Private Journal – Keep Out.

Letter to Andy (summary of learnings and ask)

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Hey there-

I know i’ve been flooding you with texts as i process so I wanted to create a bit of a summary along with an ask for therapy.  I’m gonna skip the “what happened and how i reacted” bit because I think you’ve probably got a pretty solid understanding of that. i’ll try to do it in ADHD-friendly format so its nota  bunch of block paragraphs that are impossible to concentrate on because I’m nice like that.



I’ve done a deep dive into Attachment Styles and identified myself as a Fearful Avoidant type (aka Disorganized Attachment).  I have no idea if you’re up on that stuff so for the sake of super clarity: 

Disorganized Attachment comes from childhood when a child is looking for support and attachment from a parent or caregiver, but also the caregiver is dangerous and/or the reason for the need for support and attachment, making the child have to go it on their own without the tools or base level of support.

 This leads to a situation where Attaching/connecting with others feels dangerous, but also avoiding attachment leads to anxiety and loneliness and desperation for connection.

For this reason, I will vascillate between the two, never letting people get too close but also wanting to feel strong attachment to me in a way I can control/feel safe about.  I’ll link a few more in-depth descriptions below.  Interestingly, disorganized attachment/fearful-avoidant people tend to have a larger amount of sexual partners.

General Info:

General info :

General Info (and a great site):

This resonated with me as similar to my experience in relationships (sometimes) –


Another fundamental belief of FA people that resonates  with me is a feeling of being fundamentally unworthy of love, and that people close to me will eventually abandon me and I should expect that will happen (that’s the avoidant side) along with a spectacular fear of abandonment (that’s the anxious side). I have historically probably sabotaged relationships in order to prove this true.  One of the ways this happens is through co-dependent behavior, which I now recognize a lot in my relationships including my relationship with Kate. I rely on her for a lot and probably more than is healthy in maintaining a solid interdependence .

This seems relevant to the abandonment stuff –


It totally makes sense to me, then, that Kate going on a date and having sex with someone would set me off into a spiral of emotional reactivity.

I felt abandoned and that a significant person in my life had proven me right. I felt unloveable and desperate for attachment, as well as wanting to push her away for having ‘hurt me’. 

This, I think explains why after she picked me up and said she was nervous about telling me, I told her to tell me everything and then spent a lot of energy soothing her and reassuring her that it was all okay and that I wasn’t upset.   I was upset but I was also trying to “earn back her love”.  I was also very fearful of sharing my upset and needs at that moment causing more distance and also ruining her time by leading her down a path of “Look what happened, I did a thing outside my comfort zone and now I’ve hurt Jeremy and ruined everything”.  I get that others feelings are not my responsibility. I think in this case it may have been slightly justified to be gentle about it.

I feel a lot of embarrassment and shame around my reactivity (even though I know it’s as a result of my programming and not my fault) just due to the vast chasm between my understanding of the reality of the situation and where my brain has been at. 

Kate has expressed that she’s trying not to think about it in terms of blaming herself for my trauma trigger, and I have assured her as best I can that basically “yes I was set off as a result of my attachment trauma being poked, but that doesn’t mean I am legitimately upset or bear any grievance for you going out on dates and having sex with someone” and like… trying to separate those things out for both of us.


I don’t feel like I have any effective tools for self-soothing when emotionally activated.  In my life I seem to always have either asked for or manipulated others into providing me the soothing I needed (which is a short-term band-aid and not an actual fix).  I’ve been trying to do that a little with Kate this week which is definitely unfair to her since she has a lot of her own processing going on.  I was able to communicate where I’m at and make a reasonable ask, and she shared some of her fear as well (she’s scared that i’m looking for a nurturing parental figure which she can’t be for me, which is fair).

I was talking with Sue (my bff since high school and a friend who i’ve been closest to the longest) and she made the point that my manipulating people into soothing me would have been a necessary survival skill in my household growing up. If I was wounded by my dad, I would have had to manipulate my mom into redirecting the energy she was spending soothing and stroking his ego and direct it to me for a little bit.

But also, to quote her: “And it seems like having to put a ton of energy into developing that skill doesn’t leave a whole lot of capacity for developing other tools. But also your dad went out of his way to smack at any attempt you made to build healthy coping mechanisms, emotional support networks, or like joy. So yeah, hard to build a toolbox if someone is yanking out the tools and demanding that you return to manipulating them the way they’ve taught you to to get their attention and soothing (and to stroke their ridiculous ego needs) And hard to build a toolkit if getting what you need from your other parent is contingent on manipulating them to pull their attention from attending to the ego needs of the first.”


One of the things in the ‘healing fearful avoidant attachment’ literature focuses on re-parenting and listening to the inner child and offering it what it asks for.   I tried a meditation about this ( ) and i broke down crying. As I said, i really shouldn’t have been doing it out in public. But I guess thats good knowledge for me. 

I’ve also found a methodology that is called Ideal Parent Figure Protocol started by Dr Daniel P Brown (who i THINK Is also part of where this is externalized and the process is more like “imagine yourself as a child, and now imagine yourself in a situation where you needed support. Now picture an ideal parental figure or figures giving you excited love and unconditional support and seeing you” etc.  There’s a video at which was also really emotional for me.  

It’s also demonstrated effectiveness in treating cPTSD which I definitely think is part of my experience.


Kate has identified as an avoidant-attachment person which means that growing up she learned that she couldn’t trust her parents and caregivers for support so built walls and became self-reliant, and keeps people out.  She has a need for space in order to feel safe, but also has a deep need for connection which may be either suppressed or frustrated, and will shrink away from strong (anxious) attempts at connection, creating a pursue/retreat cycle which is toxic to relationships (this is what I feel about our sex life). 

After doing a lot of reading, however, I have a gut feeling that she may actually also be Fearful Avoidant? She has general anxiety disorder and a lot of worry and interpersonal strife and stuff.  Fearful Avoidant people can lean more toward the fearful or more toward the avoidant type. It would be really interesting if we were the same type and could be really helpful in untangling conflict and areas of disconnect.  I found a video on “how two fearful-avoidant people can thrive in a relationsip together” which seemed really relevent to both of us …


In a way I’m glad this all has happened (even though I still feel slightly dysregulated and i realize that hyperfocusing on it is not actually helping, which is why I’m trying to summarize and go do something else for a little bit) because it has yanked my attention toward something that clearly needs to be a priority for me.

  • I don’t want to remain in a place where stuff that is a thing that is maybe mentally uncomfortable but within my hypothetical tolerance threshold send me off the deep end.
  • I want to develop internal tools for processing and getting perspective and soothing rather than NEEDING to rely on external sources for soothing rather than support. I get that it is part of my programming and not my fault and that people can be happy to provide that (especially other anxious attachment folks) but i don’t want it to be my only option.
  • I want to do the reparenting work (even though it feels scary as hell) and learn how to give myself what I need.
  • I want to move from co-dependent behavior in relationships to co-regulating behavior

So, slightly off topic but I think i’ve actually been doing a lot better in terms of setting boundaries for myself and asking for things from people (several people have commented on noticing a change).  Still suck at sharing my feelings (or even knowing what they are), but progress is progress.

Anyway I really appreciate your availability as i text flood at you, and I’m grateful for the hard work we have been doing. I think I’ve made more strides with you this year than I have with my last 4 or 5 therapists.


Jeremy Meyers
Small Businesses Website Refreshes and Redesigns (
Lead Producer, Deeper Context ( | @deepercontext)
Twitter @JeremyMeyers | Blog ( | chat clients & Skype: JeremyMeyersFTW
Phone: 646-594-6515

So, what's your story?

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July 21st, 2022 at 4:05 pm

Texts to Therapist re: Kate Dating Reactivity

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as a followup to my email, diving into Polysecure the book and some youtubes and i think it’s basically exposing the raw nerve of insecure anxious attachment system of mine as the (not entirely accurate) sense of security that came from being Kate’s only sexual connection becomes less true… which will need some processing hel

thanks. I’m doing attachment trauma reading and trying really hard not to burden Kate with helping me process stuff that’s coming up around everything because that feels unfair to her even if she’s generally willing to do it to be supportive. it’s hard to find a balance when i already feel like any asking for help or boundaries from anyone is an imposition, but also in trying to change that have a fear about setting myself up for isolation. (not asking you for a response rn, just infodumping).

I guess i just didn’t expect this level of dysregulation over something that would be pretty rote on my side in terms of what happened and how it does or does not affect my relationship with Kate generally.

is me – is Kate –

if as someone with an anxious attachment i sometimes use sex as a means to feeling validated and loved and secure and my partner as an anxious avoidant attachment feels uncomfortable any overwhelmed with bids for connection that require vulnerability and focus in the moment, then that is probably a pretty mutually unsatisfying dynamic

(for the record, the avoidant thing for her is a thing she’s identified herself and told me, it’s not me diagnosing)

theres a lot of memes and articles about like “anxious attachment and avoidant attachment are a bad relationship combo because their needs and comfort are diametrically opposed”. and surprise surprise my anxious attachment sees that an thinks “oh no, we’re going to have to break up because we will never be able to meet each other’s attachment needs in a satisfying way”.

or “I’m never going to be able to have the kind of fun satisfying sex life that i want with my person because i think of it as a means to connect and explore and be close and she thinks of sex as a way to gain status and maximize distance and separation and really prefers emotion-free sex”

but of course that explains why for her it was fine and no big deal and less complicated and for me it felt painful and disconnecting. because for her that was getting her need for sex at a safe feeling level of connection and for me it felt like she was out doing a connection-building thing with someone that she’d just met when it can be like pulling teeth for anything like that to happen between us more than once every few months or whatever

and why it felt viscerally dangerous to me (the implication that she’s backing away from me and towards not-me super casually and without care for me which of course both as her partner who knows her well and as a person with a decade of experience building connections with other people i know is not accurate, but i guess that’s why it’s called a trauma trigger and not a considerated response

really the Internet seems super anti avoidant attachment pairings, especially pairings with anxious attachment people. but also probably people in okay relationships or also avoidant people in general are not the ones writing or seeking attachment based relationship advice on reddit or whatever

sure. the posts i see from avoidants are more along the “i hate that I’m disappointing my partner over and over i just feel really suffocated, what do”. i imagine there aren’t really very many self aware avoidants who are super happy with where they are

boy people aren’t kidding when we talk about poly surfacing old wounds

but maybe not entirely anxious avoidant but more that this situation triggers the anxious side of disorganized attachment? because i think i can minimize bonds while wanting them, too


i guess the label doesn’t really matter

my experience when hearing about the sex she had was simultaneously betrayal and rupture and also need for reconnection and giving soothing, plus embarrassment at my reactivity. i spent a lot of time reassuring her that while i was feeling overwhelmed and reactive, i wasn’t upset at the fact of it and she hadn’t done anything “wrong”. which to which she basically said “yes, i didn’t do anything wrong, and i told you immediately”

maybe we could try EMDR? am i making it up that that’s a thing you mentioned at the beginning?

(TUESDAY 7/19)

this all happened Saturday night and now it’s Tuesday night and I’m still feeling dysregulated and I’m so tired.


is it ok to keep texting or would you prefer i compile into an email?

note to self: don’t do childhood abandonement healing meditations while out for a stroll if you are not prepared to be a crying mess on the sidewalk half way through

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July 20th, 2022 at 12:31 pm

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Braindump on Kate Date / Sex

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So Kate had a second date with the guy she went out with on Saturday night, a dinner at his house. They ended up having sex. I was over at Katie’s and Kate was supposed to pick me up after her date, but it got to be around 2am and i hadn’t heard from her, until i texted and she finally responded and said she would leave to come get me.  She was really nervous about telling me what had happened, but walked me through the date and the sex that they had and how she felt about it (she felt okay, he was nice and respectful, she had fun, she was scared about how i would react even though she knew it was okay for her to do that)

I’m not sure I knew how I would react, though I mean, i have been encouraging her to go and have experiences and stuff.   I feel overwhelmed and pretty triggered at the moment.  Mostly I feel kind of blindsided because this had gone from a presumably mono/poly relationship (in practice if not in theory) over the course of two weeks to Kate fucking a new guy for the first time since we started dating.  At this moment I feel dysregulated and anxious and like some trauma has been triggered.  I’ve been doing some thinking and I think what’s happening (beyond us not having talked about it) to cause this much of a visceral reaction in me is that it possibly touched a trigger around my having been cheated on in the past. it’s kind of bringing up similar emotions?  At the same time, I am aware that this is because its very new and I haven’t had time to adjust and that there are many positives that can come from this door opening.  I think also maybe I’m mourning the end of the old chapter of where our relationship was?

Now, conceptually of course I don’t have an issue with this (and i’m kinda beating myself up about it because hypocrisy), and I’m glad she got to try a new thing and have an experience with someone who seems like a good guy that apparently she’s been chatting with for over a month but didn’t mention? (not that she’s obligated to mention, and not that i mention everyone that i connect with to her). i don’t feel like…. jealous or whatever? it’s just that it kinda went from 0 to 100 really quick after nothing happening for years and I feel really unprepared to process the huge change in the dynamic of our relationship.

We’ve been talking about it a lot and stuff.  I’m noticing when i’m in my “reassure the other person that i’m not upset and its okay and nothing is wrong” mode and when i’m in a “let me be a source of advice and validation for you” mode as opposed to actually being able to be present and say “this feels very uncomfortable and upsetting for me even though I don’t believe you did anything out of bounds”.  I was able to communicate that I really wish that we’d had a conversation when she was considering actually going out on dates with people to set some expectations for both of us and for me to better prepare myself and what might come up for me.

I think she was operating under the assumption that I would like to be notified in the way that I let her know when i’m going on dates or whatever, at this point, like no big deal. I was able to communicate that though it’s old hat for her to have me going out for whatever, for me it’s a huge shift and very difficult, and asked her to remember how she felt when i first started dating. not that it’s 1:1 but it’s not as vastly different as she might have assume.  She’s had a decade to adjust and normalize and I have had basically zero time. Which she took responsibility and apologized for.

We went out for dinner last night and kept talking and she was saying how this is kind of a pattern for her, how on second dates she’ll behave ‘out of character’ or ‘extra slutty’ or whatever and that she doesn’t feel great about what happened and how it happened (though it was obviously a consensual experience) but that it felt informative for her.   I’ve talked about how I feel about it and basically that i’m proud of her for doing a thing outside her comfort zone and also that i feel really overwhelmed and like its a lot for me to process.  At the same time, i’m still processing my mom dying, the will drama, and potentially some other relationships transitioning away from physical/romantic. So its a big thing on top of a lot of other big things.

An additional complicating factor is how little sex Kate and I generally have.  In our most recent conversation about that, she has shared specifically that there’s so much baggage between us about our sex life that she feels like her anxiety prevents her from being present in her body very much, and that instead she’s always monitoring me for whether i’m happy with whats happening or whether she’s responding in a way that I want or whether she’s “doing something wrong”, so more often than not over the last years, my attempts to initiate will be rejected, and if we do play, i can see her get up in her head at some point and the fun stops and at least part of the time there are tears.  Which sucks because it both prevents us from having sex play and also its somehow because of me, even though I have no agency around it and can’t really do anything about it?  It gets me in my head like “”ok so Kate can’t enjoy sex because she’s taking responsibility for my enjoying it, so i then have to be either hyper-vigilant about not showing anything but pure positivity or it will all stop and it will be because of me but not really because it will be because of Kate’s assumptions about how I’m doing that then spiral. So it’s a thing that is about me but not anything I have any agency to change or adjust because its happening in her head”.

We’ve also had conversations about us both being more verbally communicative during sex, both for giving instructions and feedback, and she has said that it’s hard for her because she’s basically already trying to stay out of her head and when i ask for feedback like that it just makes her feel like she has yet another task to keep track of and juggle while having sex”  So the combination of those things really leaves me no room for anything but waiting for it to go south?

I’m trying to treat these as separate things rather than intertwine them because that seems like it would be way less useful.

I’m so confused as to the boundaries right now. What is appropriate to share with her about how i’m processing? What is too much? What responsibility do each of us have toward the others comfort? I guess that’s between the two of us.  I’m trying to check in with her about how much she wants to hear about where i am with processing everything, and may be overexplaining and caretaking “this brought up feelings about being cheated on, and i know thats not whats happening and not something for you to take on”.  And also I think that I have an assumption that her brain is going to use stuff i say to beat herself up with, which is not necessarily the case.

Anyway, I don’t actually think my relationship is in danger or that these things are unresolvable or anything, so that’s something I can look to for comfort at least. Just ouch.

Anyway that’s what’s been happening on that front.


Jeremy Meyers
Small Businesses Website Refreshes and Redesigns (
Lead Producer, Deeper Context ( | @deepercontext)
Twitter @JeremyMeyers | Blog ( | chat clients & Skype: JeremyMeyersFTW
Phone: 646-594-6515

So, what’s your story?

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July 20th, 2022 at 12:26 pm

Posted in Kate,Poly Stuff,toexport

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Kate Conversation About Boundaries

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* Was explaining the boundaries thing to kate in terms of when i have a thing to say that i think might be uncomfortable for her, i just dont say it and let it fester, heard myself immediately saying “but thats not because of anything you did or are doing” and then got really verbally mad at myself … “I can’t even talk about wanting to talk about things without pre-emptively dropping it to spend emotional labor to ensure your comfort”

* Ended it with saying that i feel like my having needs is something I need to protect people from.

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February 26th, 2022 at 5:16 pm

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Balcony and Edging story

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so currently im not allowed to cum without permission from one of a few people and they are figuring out a schedule and/or ways i can earn it denial and stuff is super hot for me in addition, I’ve been instructed to edge regularly and also Kate has been edging me before bed and take pics/vids (which as always you are welcome to) and some other stuff that’s not specific to the story which i can share if you want

anyway, last night i got teased and blown out on the balcony by Kate. and told not to cum . and then licked my precum off her face. and fingered her for awhile. after which she sent me inside and told me i was a good boy for obeying doing her bj. it was dark but people could probably have seen if they were looking .

i wanted to get face rides but she’d walked a few miles home and felt self conscious about it. which would not stop me (especially in the framework of being made to do stuff. not that i ever need to be made to eat pussy generally or hers in particular) but whatever. and she said she likes sucking my cock in public maybe more than in private so I asked about maybe at a swing club or in front of people we know or in front of people we know (which would include the other people who decide if and when i get to cum), which she was not opposed to.

So yeah, super hot and exciting implications and so nice to get to explore and hear about a thing she realizes she’s into that might not have come (heh) up previously.

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August 10th, 2021 at 6:23 pm

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Bdsm thoughts

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I’m kind of in a weird spot with bottoming because I have a good sense in general that I enjoy ceding control of my autonomy to others sometimes and also sensation stuff but 1)not really well versed in the kinds of physical things I either enjoy or don’t enjoy in person and 2) still trying to figure out my vibe as a sub/bottom.most of my experience on that side of the slash has been virtually. Also one of my growth edges is being center of attention and also it’s a thing that feels good to me so… I really liked the cage because focused attention, that was the good feeling/discomfort for me. And why I tend to like nurturing/gentle topping rather than strictly disciplinarian. Just a fine line. Dunno really

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July 2nd, 2018 at 1:34 pm

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“I’m Tired” letter

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I’m tired.

I’m tired of having sex with you once a year.

I’m tired of having it explained to me over and over in dozens of different ways why it is difficult for you. As a woman. As a person living in a sex-negative culture. As a person with anxiety.

I’m tired of wanting you and having that desire cause panic attacks.

I’m tired of thinking that things might get better if only we talked more.

I’m tired of having the dynamic feel like I’m the bad guy or the aggressor by wanting to touch you and be passionate with you.

I’m tired of my attempts at spontaneity being responded to with rejection or discomfort.

I’m tired of being lectured as to why you’re uncomfortable.

I’m tired of feeling like an asshole for wanting to fuck you more than annually, and more than occasionally getting to go down on you.

I’m tired of not having gotten a blowjob from you for three years.

I’m tired of feeling like a bad person for not being more patient, or like I’m being unreasonable. I’m tired of feeling guilty. I’m tired of beating myself up for not being more compassionate.

I’m tired of not knowing what to do. I’m tired of being upset. I’m tired of the conversations. I’m tired of not being able to talk to you about it. I’m tired of talking about it and things not changing. I’m tired of internalizing. I’m tired of thinking that its counterproductive to get angry about wanting to do more of something that doesn’t really coexist with anger. I’m tired of feeling unkind, when I’ve been kind for so long about this.

I’m tired of feeling like I don’t know the real reason. I’m tired of hoping you’ll work it out in therapy. I’m tired of wondering if we should go back to couples therapy.

I’m tired of shouldering more than my share of this burden. I’m tired of crying about it while you’re away. I’m tired of hearing things like “This is just how it is in long term relationships”. I’m tired of worrying about talking to you about how I feel. I’m tired of worrying about your rebuttals. I’m tired of toning down my upset so you don’t think i’m a monster. I’m tired of feeling that sharing my upset will do nothing but make you feel shitty.

I’m tired of feeling like there is no solution.

I’m tired of waiting.

I’m tired of hurting.

I’m tired.

I love you and I’m so tired and I needed you to know because I don’t want to continue to go on like this.

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August 3rd, 2017 at 12:22 pm

Posted in Kate

Narc Letter to Lissa

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On reflecting upon our latest session (and feel free to correct me if I’m wrong), it seemed like you may have been a little frustrated about my situation, in a “he knows what the problem is, he knows what the solution is, why doesnt he just do the thing he knows will help” way. I, too (assuming i read the situation accurately), am frustrated about this aspect of myself and my psyche.

I guess what I wanted to share about this was some information about the lasting impact of a narcissistic parent, not for the sake of pity or compassion certainly but to give more context as to the block that needs untangling.

Basically my sense of individual self both in terms of value as well as autonomy was never developed, or rather it was developed as to be subsumed by my parents needs so that my sense of self is inextricably (for now) tied to meeting other people’s needs, rather than meeting my own or even being concretely “aware” of them in a way that can be connected to action or even be acceptable. This is why it is much easier for me to take action when it is “Assigned” or when someone else “makes me” do it (and why the BDSM power-exchange stuff is attractive to me), and also why those power dynamics can bring up complicated feelings (both because i don’t WANT to have that be the main thing that makes me take action for myself, and also because the dynamic echoes earlier toxic dynamics regardless of the person initiating the dynamic). Also why the concept of being “Seen” is so attractive to me.

I do feel like i’ve made progress in this, and i also feel really frustrated because I’ve had to contend with this for most of my life to some degree or another, and I’m not really making the kind of advances on this specifically that I would like to, and obviously it has an effect on my relationships and my day-to-day existence that are having many deleterious effects.

So, I hope that you will continue to be patient with me and maybe this information and the links below will be helpful in creating a treatment plan, and help to explain why ‘he knows what needs to happen, why doesnt he just do it’ isnt really as simple as it seems? (but maybe you know that)

Thanks for your attention

Uncover a Narcissist! Have Needs

Healing from Narcissistic Mother Requires Perpetual Self Care

Narcissistic Parent: Collateral Damage

Coping Skills for Adult Children of Narcissist Parents.
Surviving the Narcissistic Parent: ACoNs (Adult Children of Narcissists)

How Your Narcissistic Upbringing Keeps You from “Bothering” People

The Child of a Narcissistic Parent: Why Don’t I Meet My Needs?

The Pain of Having a Narcissistic Parent

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December 8th, 2016 at 9:35 pm


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Ever since leaving my last full-time job I have been feeling directionless and adding lots of guilt and shame on top of my feelings, and then pile on guilt and shame on top of that.   I had not been able to get myself out of this cycle. But I found a really good website, if you want to check it out then visit this website.


Recently through a lot of hard work, I have been able to get myself to start the process of connecting with internships and give myself more distance between taking this action and the feelings and cognitive coping mechanisms that reflexively follow.  This is very difficult for me and I expect there may be future stumbles, and I can take a moment to appreciate to the best of my ability the amount of work that it has taken to get me here before the self-critical thoughts take over.  I will continue to monitor with the most self-compassion i can muster, knowing that my abilities in this regard may change from moment to moment and being especially aware of judgment/shame that layers on top of itself.

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August 23rd, 2016 at 1:54 pm

Kate Sex Letter

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As you know, this was very difficult for me to get out. To initially put your mind at ease, there are no major bombshells in this text and no breakup-level conclusions.

With that out of the way…

I have been thinking about my relationship with our sex life. You said when we first opened our relationship that you were scared that I would be “outsourcing” my sexual needs. It wasn’t intentional, but there is a way in which that has happened, in some respects. That was not my intent and I apologize.

In order to begin to address this, I think it’s important for me to share more directly some of my thoughts and feelings about my own sexual expression and how it relates to our life together in the hopes that the information can be useful. I hope that this helps you and I figure out how to fix the ways in which we go about approaching each other, making ourselves available for and guiding ourselves and each other through regular satisfying sexual encounters with each other.

Here’s some context. Throughout my life, sex and sexual validation has been a space that I’ve gone to for reasons other than just arousal. It is a space where I can feel validated and seen and feel like I’m worth something through another person’s eyes. It is a space where I can feel like people want me around, and where I can be useful. It is a space that can be a manifestation of my desire to please and aid and give pleasure to the people I care about. It is also an area where it is distinctly uncomfortable to focus on verbalizing my own wants for pleasure or satisfaction. There is an element of it that I would define as submissive or bottom-y. It has a specific energy. It is probably related to my challenges with asserting my needs.

These needs and desires express themselves in many areas that are not uncommon. On my own, there’s webcamming, flirting with people, casual dating. They scratch the itch.

Lately (and especially since the breakup with Jess), another way I’ve found to scratch the itch is to explore these energies in a more explicitly Domme/sub situation with a new friend. She’s been texting me specific demands (relatively innocuous ones, mostly around pictures and video and fantasy), and I am to fulfill them immediately. She is also sharing my number (and a password) with a select group of her fun pervy friends with similar interests and I am to fulfill their requests as well. It feels powerful to be desired and to have my existence and behaviors serve their pleasure in specific ways.

I don’t have any particular attachment to this person (though she seems cool otherwise), this is not the only thing that turns me on (and I don’t think that it would be a turn on if it were more on the sadistic scale), this is not Who I Am particularly. However, getting to explore this side of me is definitely A Thing That Turns Me On, and I am grateful for the opportunity to see what it’s like. I also feel sad and frustrated that it seems to me like it would be very challenging for me to come to you with a request like this and be able to try it. That may be a self-fulfilling prophecy, I’m not sure.

Within a relationship, I think people will commonly share sexy pics on snapchat, flirt and get flirted with during the day to build up tension, share sexual touches. We partner up and do these things to express desire, attraction and mutual validation of our partners attractiveness and sexual worthiness. These are some areas that, from my perspective, you do not seem as interested in. I feel sad about this. I may be misinterpreting, and it definitely provokes a long, compounded emotional response.

I want our sex life to be fun and adventurous and experimental, maybe in a way that is outside of what your interests/comforts are. I want you to trust me enough to let things happen that you aren’t expecting. I want to trust you enough to tell you what I want and feel like I have the right and expectation that you will do your best to make it happen. I want to go to swing clubs and see what they’re like. I want to play around with power structures with you. I want to have the ability to be both romantically sexual and dirty sexual, and I’m scared that you will be more into the vanilla stuff and we will not find compatibility and compromise.

I don’t really feel like the pattern we’re in allows me to do this. I don’t feel like I can be playful and direct and actually do the things that you talk about wanting to do. We talk about wanting to do things and then they don’t happen, and we just drop it. We talk about particular activities and then for whatever reason we don’t follow through. I feel sad and rejected and powerless to adjust this pattern. It seems sometimes like each of us is sometimes more interested in talking about wanting to do things than actually doing them.

My sex life with you can sometimes feel like a scary space with unclear intent and rules and boundaries and interests and comfort levels where intent is not followed by action, where a welcome touch one moment can lead to feeling tickled to the point of me needing to move away, or to the point of discomfort being communicated. I am aware that a lot of this is reflex and not a personal attack. I need to make you aware that even though I understand this, it still affects me.

I don’t really know what you mean when you talk about attraction as being different after being together so long. I’m worried it means you aren’t sexually attracted to me. I am still very much into you in that way. I still desire your touch. I still see you and get excited. I’m scared that it’s not the same for you. I don’t know what I can do about this, if there’s anything that I CAN do.

Maybe you just aren’t interested in sex in the same way that I am. Maybe you are and it hasn’t been communicated. I’m not sure. I do think that there are some fundamental differences that exist and some ways in which we haven’t acknowledged what we each want. I also think there are ways in which we could both be open to trying things outside of our comfort zone, be it specific activities or being more proactive in asking for what we want.

I am invested in figuring this out. I think maybe the elephant in the room that we don’t talk about in therapy isn’t that we aren’t having sex, it’s that sex serves two different functions for each of us and neither of us are clear on what this means for how we can be good partners for each other and how we can’t. I, for one, would like to begin to take a look and unpack this both together and in therapy so that we can adjust each of our expectations appropriately for the moment. I do not mean this to sound defeated or like I’m just trying to salvage what is possible to salvage. I am doing my best to look at this aspect of our relationship for what it is and meet each other where we are and then build outward.

These are my messy and jumbled thoughts and feelings, the product of a lot of thinking and late-night writing. Please be gentle with how you choose to respond.



Written by admin

July 13th, 2016 at 5:32 pm

Posted in Kate