Private Journal – Keep Out.

Kate Conversation About Boundaries

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* Was explaining the boundaries thing to kate in terms of when i have a thing to say that i think might be uncomfortable for her, i just dont say it and let it fester, heard myself immediately saying “but thats not because of anything you did or are doing” and then got really verbally mad at myself … “I can’t even talk about wanting to talk about things without pre-emptively dropping it to spend emotional labor to ensure your comfort”

* Ended it with saying that i feel like my having needs is something I need to protect people from.

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February 26th, 2022 at 5:16 pm

Posted in Kate

Balcony and Edging story

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so currently im not allowed to cum without permission from one of a few people and they are figuring out a schedule and/or ways i can earn it denial and stuff is super hot for me in addition, I’ve been instructed to edge regularly and also Kate has been edging me before bed and take pics/vids (which as always you are welcome to) and some other stuff that’s not specific to the story which i can share if you want

anyway, last night i got teased and blown out on the balcony by Kate. and told not to cum . and then licked my precum off her face. and fingered her for awhile. after which she sent me inside and told me i was a good boy for obeying doing her bj. it was dark but people could probably have seen if they were looking .

i wanted to get face rides but she’d walked a few miles home and felt self conscious about it. which would not stop me (especially in the framework of being made to do stuff. not that i ever need to be made to eat pussy generally or hers in particular) but whatever. and she said she likes sucking my cock in public maybe more than in private so I asked about maybe at a swing club or in front of people we know or in front of people we know (which would include the other people who decide if and when i get to cum), which she was not opposed to.

So yeah, super hot and exciting implications and so nice to get to explore and hear about a thing she realizes she’s into that might not have come (heh) up previously.

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August 10th, 2021 at 6:23 pm

Posted in Kate

Bdsm thoughts

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I’m kind of in a weird spot with bottoming because I have a good sense in general that I enjoy ceding control of my autonomy to others sometimes and also sensation stuff but 1)not really well versed in the kinds of physical things I either enjoy or don’t enjoy in person and 2) still trying to figure out my vibe as a sub/bottom.most of my experience on that side of the slash has been virtually. Also one of my growth edges is being center of attention and also it’s a thing that feels good to me so… I really liked the cage because focused attention, that was the good feeling/discomfort for me. And why I tend to like nurturing/gentle topping rather than strictly disciplinarian. Just a fine line. Dunno really

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July 2nd, 2018 at 1:34 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

“I’m Tired” letter

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I’m tired.

I’m tired of having sex with you once a year.

I’m tired of having it explained to me over and over in dozens of different ways why it is difficult for you. As a woman. As a person living in a sex-negative culture. As a person with anxiety.

I’m tired of wanting you and having that desire cause panic attacks.

I’m tired of thinking that things might get better if only we talked more.

I’m tired of having the dynamic feel like I’m the bad guy or the aggressor by wanting to touch you and be passionate with you.

I’m tired of my attempts at spontaneity being responded to with rejection or discomfort.

I’m tired of being lectured as to why you’re uncomfortable.

I’m tired of feeling like an asshole for wanting to fuck you more than annually, and more than occasionally getting to go down on you.

I’m tired of not having gotten a blowjob from you for three years.

I’m tired of feeling like a bad person for not being more patient, or like I’m being unreasonable. I’m tired of feeling guilty. I’m tired of beating myself up for not being more compassionate.

I’m tired of not knowing what to do. I’m tired of being upset. I’m tired of the conversations. I’m tired of not being able to talk to you about it. I’m tired of talking about it and things not changing. I’m tired of internalizing. I’m tired of thinking that its counterproductive to get angry about wanting to do more of something that doesn’t really coexist with anger. I’m tired of feeling unkind, when I’ve been kind for so long about this.

I’m tired of feeling like I don’t know the real reason. I’m tired of hoping you’ll work it out in therapy. I’m tired of wondering if we should go back to couples therapy.

I’m tired of shouldering more than my share of this burden. I’m tired of crying about it while you’re away. I’m tired of hearing things like “This is just how it is in long term relationships”. I’m tired of worrying about talking to you about how I feel. I’m tired of worrying about your rebuttals. I’m tired of toning down my upset so you don’t think i’m a monster. I’m tired of feeling that sharing my upset will do nothing but make you feel shitty.

I’m tired of feeling like there is no solution.

I’m tired of waiting.

I’m tired of hurting.

I’m tired.

I love you and I’m so tired and I needed you to know because I don’t want to continue to go on like this.

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August 3rd, 2017 at 12:22 pm

Posted in Kate

Narc Letter to Lissa

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On reflecting upon our latest session (and feel free to correct me if I’m wrong), it seemed like you may have been a little frustrated about my situation, in a “he knows what the problem is, he knows what the solution is, why doesnt he just do the thing he knows will help” way. I, too (assuming i read the situation accurately), am frustrated about this aspect of myself and my psyche.

I guess what I wanted to share about this was some information about the lasting impact of a narcissistic parent, not for the sake of pity or compassion certainly but to give more context as to the block that needs untangling.

Basically my sense of individual self both in terms of value as well as autonomy was never developed, or rather it was developed as to be subsumed by my parents needs so that my sense of self is inextricably (for now) tied to meeting other people’s needs, rather than meeting my own or even being concretely “aware” of them in a way that can be connected to action or even be acceptable. This is why it is much easier for me to take action when it is “Assigned” or when someone else “makes me” do it (and why the BDSM power-exchange stuff is attractive to me), and also why those power dynamics can bring up complicated feelings (both because i don’t WANT to have that be the main thing that makes me take action for myself, and also because the dynamic echoes earlier toxic dynamics regardless of the person initiating the dynamic). Also why the concept of being “Seen” is so attractive to me.

I do feel like i’ve made progress in this, and i also feel really frustrated because I’ve had to contend with this for most of my life to some degree or another, and I’m not really making the kind of advances on this specifically that I would like to, and obviously it has an effect on my relationships and my day-to-day existence that are having many deleterious effects.

So, I hope that you will continue to be patient with me and maybe this information and the links below will be helpful in creating a treatment plan, and help to explain why ‘he knows what needs to happen, why doesnt he just do it’ isnt really as simple as it seems? (but maybe you know that)

Thanks for your attention

Uncover a Narcissist! Have Needs

Healing from Narcissistic Mother Requires Perpetual Self Care

Narcissistic Parent: Collateral Damage

Coping Skills for Adult Children of Narcissist Parents.
Surviving the Narcissistic Parent: ACoNs (Adult Children of Narcissists)

How Your Narcissistic Upbringing Keeps You from “Bothering” People

The Child of a Narcissistic Parent: Why Don’t I Meet My Needs?

The Pain of Having a Narcissistic Parent

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December 8th, 2016 at 9:35 pm


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Ever since leaving my last full-time job I have been feeling directionless and adding lots of guilt and shame on top of my feelings, and then pile on guilt and shame on top of that.   I had not been able to get myself out of this cycle. But I found a really good website, if you want to check it out then visit this website.


Recently through a lot of hard work, I have been able to get myself to start the process of connecting with internships and give myself more distance between taking this action and the feelings and cognitive coping mechanisms that reflexively follow.  This is very difficult for me and I expect there may be future stumbles, and I can take a moment to appreciate to the best of my ability the amount of work that it has taken to get me here before the self-critical thoughts take over.  I will continue to monitor with the most self-compassion i can muster, knowing that my abilities in this regard may change from moment to moment and being especially aware of judgment/shame that layers on top of itself.

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August 23rd, 2016 at 1:54 pm

Kate Sex Letter

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As you know, this was very difficult for me to get out. To initially put your mind at ease, there are no major bombshells in this text and no breakup-level conclusions.

With that out of the way…

I have been thinking about my relationship with our sex life. You said when we first opened our relationship that you were scared that I would be “outsourcing” my sexual needs. It wasn’t intentional, but there is a way in which that has happened, in some respects. That was not my intent and I apologize.

In order to begin to address this, I think it’s important for me to share more directly some of my thoughts and feelings about my own sexual expression and how it relates to our life together in the hopes that the information can be useful. I hope that this helps you and I figure out how to fix the ways in which we go about approaching each other, making ourselves available for and guiding ourselves and each other through regular satisfying sexual encounters with each other.

Here’s some context. Throughout my life, sex and sexual validation has been a space that I’ve gone to for reasons other than just arousal. It is a space where I can feel validated and seen and feel like I’m worth something through another person’s eyes. It is a space where I can feel like people want me around, and where I can be useful. It is a space that can be a manifestation of my desire to please and aid and give pleasure to the people I care about. It is also an area where it is distinctly uncomfortable to focus on verbalizing my own wants for pleasure or satisfaction. There is an element of it that I would define as submissive or bottom-y. It has a specific energy. It is probably related to my challenges with asserting my needs.

These needs and desires express themselves in many areas that are not uncommon. On my own, there’s webcamming, flirting with people, casual dating. They scratch the itch.

Lately (and especially since the breakup with Jess), another way I’ve found to scratch the itch is to explore these energies in a more explicitly Domme/sub situation with a new friend. She’s been texting me specific demands (relatively innocuous ones, mostly around pictures and video and fantasy), and I am to fulfill them immediately. She is also sharing my number (and a password) with a select group of her fun pervy friends with similar interests and I am to fulfill their requests as well. It feels powerful to be desired and to have my existence and behaviors serve their pleasure in specific ways.

I don’t have any particular attachment to this person (though she seems cool otherwise), this is not the only thing that turns me on (and I don’t think that it would be a turn on if it were more on the sadistic scale), this is not Who I Am particularly. However, getting to explore this side of me is definitely A Thing That Turns Me On, and I am grateful for the opportunity to see what it’s like. I also feel sad and frustrated that it seems to me like it would be very challenging for me to come to you with a request like this and be able to try it. That may be a self-fulfilling prophecy, I’m not sure.

Within a relationship, I think people will commonly share sexy pics on snapchat, flirt and get flirted with during the day to build up tension, share sexual touches. We partner up and do these things to express desire, attraction and mutual validation of our partners attractiveness and sexual worthiness. These are some areas that, from my perspective, you do not seem as interested in. I feel sad about this. I may be misinterpreting, and it definitely provokes a long, compounded emotional response.

I want our sex life to be fun and adventurous and experimental, maybe in a way that is outside of what your interests/comforts are. I want you to trust me enough to let things happen that you aren’t expecting. I want to trust you enough to tell you what I want and feel like I have the right and expectation that you will do your best to make it happen. I want to go to swing clubs and see what they’re like. I want to play around with power structures with you. I want to have the ability to be both romantically sexual and dirty sexual, and I’m scared that you will be more into the vanilla stuff and we will not find compatibility and compromise.

I don’t really feel like the pattern we’re in allows me to do this. I don’t feel like I can be playful and direct and actually do the things that you talk about wanting to do. We talk about wanting to do things and then they don’t happen, and we just drop it. We talk about particular activities and then for whatever reason we don’t follow through. I feel sad and rejected and powerless to adjust this pattern. It seems sometimes like each of us is sometimes more interested in talking about wanting to do things than actually doing them.

My sex life with you can sometimes feel like a scary space with unclear intent and rules and boundaries and interests and comfort levels where intent is not followed by action, where a welcome touch one moment can lead to feeling tickled to the point of me needing to move away, or to the point of discomfort being communicated. I am aware that a lot of this is reflex and not a personal attack. I need to make you aware that even though I understand this, it still affects me.

I don’t really know what you mean when you talk about attraction as being different after being together so long. I’m worried it means you aren’t sexually attracted to me. I am still very much into you in that way. I still desire your touch. I still see you and get excited. I’m scared that it’s not the same for you. I don’t know what I can do about this, if there’s anything that I CAN do.

Maybe you just aren’t interested in sex in the same way that I am. Maybe you are and it hasn’t been communicated. I’m not sure. I do think that there are some fundamental differences that exist and some ways in which we haven’t acknowledged what we each want. I also think there are ways in which we could both be open to trying things outside of our comfort zone, be it specific activities or being more proactive in asking for what we want.

I am invested in figuring this out. I think maybe the elephant in the room that we don’t talk about in therapy isn’t that we aren’t having sex, it’s that sex serves two different functions for each of us and neither of us are clear on what this means for how we can be good partners for each other and how we can’t. I, for one, would like to begin to take a look and unpack this both together and in therapy so that we can adjust each of our expectations appropriately for the moment. I do not mean this to sound defeated or like I’m just trying to salvage what is possible to salvage. I am doing my best to look at this aspect of our relationship for what it is and meet each other where we are and then build outward.

These are my messy and jumbled thoughts and feelings, the product of a lot of thinking and late-night writing. Please be gentle with how you choose to respond.



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July 13th, 2016 at 5:32 pm

Posted in Kate

Direct Communication Letter

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What I wanted to say is this.  I think when we have these conversations, I hear you express fear that saying things that you think will be difficult for me will lead me to be angry or sad and therefore you are scared to say them and that’s why you don’t.  I understand your perspective on this.

I think that we have to, HAVE to be okay with saying the things we are scared to, and learn how to say them to each other in a way that is compassionate, direct and kind. we are each responsible for our own emotions and also for being aware of each others triggers and deliver information in a useful way.  It seems like you feel (and correct me if i’m wrong) that there is no space to share information that you determine will cause emotional distress.  I do think that we have not yet done a great job of normalizing this.  I cannot overstate how important it is that we figure out a way to do this.

I think also that part of the problem is that this tends to be framed as “I have all this stuff to tell you that will hurt you so i don’t tell you” so I end up in a position where I’m arguing that you should hurt me, which is like… not a fair place for me to be.  What I actually want to say around this is that we both must be direct with each other about things we are thinking and feeling in as close to real time as possible and be clear on the ways both to hear and to say them so that the other person can hear and respond in a productive way, rather than feeling attacked or blamed.

Obviously this is not a thing with a  100% success rate, but if we keep talking about “i have all this shitty stuff that i can’t say to you because you are going to get really angry and i feel sad about it” then all it does is put me in a place where if i argue that you should say stuff more and then you say a thing and I react in an emotional way, or if I actually feel hurt by what you say, then it will be used as evidence that you should not have been direct with me in the first place, which is really shitty manipulation (and yes of course I realize that you are not consciously intending it to be this.  This is the effect it is having.)   I grant you permission and encourage you to be both kind and direct when sharing your feelings and thoughts about whatever you like.  I do not grant you permission to have that sharing be contingent on me only being able to respond in a certain way in order to not indirectly justify your lack of sharing.

I know you think you are sparing me emotional distress.  I want to dissuade you of this.  I do not want to have a no-conflict relationship.  I have felt off and on for a long time that there has been a tone and situation where a lot of day-to-day conflict was off limits or unsafe and to be avoided, and if I say a potentially conflict-y thing, I am accused of being mean to you or picking on you or hurtful.

Even typing this, I am anticipating that reaction and trying to figure out ways to soften what I am saying to make it more likely that you will take it in the spirit in which it is intended.  I am aware that some of this is my own stuff.

A no-conflict relationship is both impossible and creates its own silent resentment which is significantly more toxic than a relationship with uncomfortable conversations and sometime-hurt-feelings.  I don’t think either of us want this.  You said you don’t want a companionate relationship. I think “no-conflict” is another word for this, or at least that it is a symptom.

So, what I think needs to happen is that we need to have some serious talk about how to create a safe space for what we perceive to be difficult information. What words to use, the setting, the frequency.  We also need to talk about the assumptions that either of us make regarding how we think the other person will take information and how much weight we give that assumption when deciding whether to actually say the thing or not.  I think that we both use that process as a way to avoid conflict and it needs to stop.

I do think that these behaviors make it more difficult to share good things, or gratitude or appreciation or genuinely positive. When we both pull toward “Fine” or “conflict-free” in different amounts or in different ways, then it creates a shallowness to the relationship in all but the most vulnerable of situations (like right before bed or sometimes when driving).  It pulls everything toward the middle for the sake of not having things be ‘below the line’.  I do not want this to be what our relationship is. This does not feel safer to me or better to me.  This feels emptier and less fulfilling.

I appreciate so much when you are open and honest with me.  I appreciate so much when you share your thought process. I appreciate so much when you are able to give me feedback with the goal of improving your experience in the relationship.  I appreciate so much your continued willingness to come to couples therapy and sit in difficult conversations.  I appreciate so much your willingness to read what I have to say and really take it in.

My aim is not to place blame or threaten or even to encourage you to say things you feel will be hurtful to me in a hurtful way for the sake of having said them.  I don’t think that the only two options are to be hurtful or to say nothing. It is possible to be both direct and kind.  We can teach each other what that means for each of us. We are teaching each other.

All my love always


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June 30th, 2016 at 4:21 pm

Posted in Kate

What Do I Want 2016

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Routine-reward loop. Sitting with achievement

What do I want from a accountability place (job/volunteering/whatever):
Flexible Hours
Small space
Walkable/short drive
Not just sitting in front of a computer
Opportunity to learn something new

What do I want from a spiritual practice:
Relaxing and nourishing
Elements of social
Calming space

What do I want from a health/physical practice:
feedback and progression
The ability to invest personally and flip the balance of feeling “deserving”

What do I want from an education/training/personal growth practice:
Personal attention
Routine and accountability
Practical skills
Not tech-related

What do I want from a recreation/leisure:
regular trips to natural areas
the ability to live in fun without shame

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June 21st, 2016 at 9:46 am

My Demons

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My demons tell me I waste my life.

My demons tell me the solution is to waste more.

My demons tell me my motivation is shame

My demons tell me I have no voice.

My demons tell me everything I do is a waste of my time .

My demons tell me my life is on hold.

My demons tell me my accomplishments don’t count.

My demons tell me how to fill the hole.

My demons tell me there’s a hole that needs filling.

My demons tell me I’m stuck and can’t unstick.

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June 14th, 2016 at 10:06 pm