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Private Journal – Keep Out.

Archive for September, 1995

I want to be able to go to school tomorrow

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I really want to be able to go to school tomorrow. However, i don’t think that i would be able to handle it mentally. I think that to do so would make me feel very bad. I am really stuck in my position. I WANT to be able to go, but i don’t think i am or am ready to. I really don’t want to seem like I’m “wimping out” or “being lazy”, because i really am not. I am very afraid that what happened with school the last few times will happen again. I don’t want to subject myself to something like that again. I might somewhat agree that this is more of a fear of the fear, and that is a very valid point, but i really do not know what to do about a fear of a fear, or even just the fear. I am really in a bind. I don’t know whether to try my hardest and really strain myself mentally and emotionally to go tomorrow, in case it turns out okay, or to be safer and stay home for the time being. I really do not know what to do. I don’t know what other options are out there and/or left 1 don’t really think that it is this school or any one school in particular, but just something about high school in general. Perhaps it is because i had such a good experience at Manhattan East, or, as Ms. Harding mentioned, because I’m used to having some kind of status at school above that of a “normal” student. I don’t know if those, or other factors come into play here. I honestly don’t. I don’t think that i “choose” not to go to school because i want to laze around all day or stay home or something, although i feel most “safe” here. I think being away from school for so long has something to do with it but if there was not the underlying problem, the time thing wouldn’t be as apparent. I sincerely hope that some kind of compromise can be worked out…not between us, but between me and school. This is a very difficult decision and i really am having trouble with it. I am truly stuck. I don’t know much about the GED except that it counts as the equivalent of high school, and employers have to treat it as such by state law. I don’t want to go through life with only an 8th grade education, but I also do not want to unnecessarily put this major negativity on myself when there is an “easier” or less painful solution with similar, if not the same results. I hope such a solution is available. Me and Ms. Harding had discussed an idea where i would come to Manhattan East as a “Teaching Assistant”, where i would basically do what i had been doing before, except i could then get recommendations from teachers towards high school or just on my record i guess, and the other days i would be studying and working towards taking a GED. I wasn’t quite sure of the details, but it sounded like a “comfortable” idea to me. I don’t want the ‘blame” to fall on anyone, because this isn’t something that can be blamed on someone. Would you blame an allergic reaction on a person? No, you wouldn’t, because its a non-conscious reaction to something. This seems to be basically the same thing.
*sigh*
I love you both with all my heart. Jeremy

Written by admin

September 10th, 1995 at 12:39 pm

Posted in Family