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Private Journal – Keep Out.

Archive for April, 2000

crystal

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Androdaixa: my nose look bit and my arms look all chub
Androdaixa: big*
SoftLord: oh please
Androdaixa: its just depressing
SoftLord: its not true
Androdaixa: whne you watch yourself go from 80 lbs to like
105 its depressing
SoftLord: um…105 is still underweight for your
height
SoftLord: and 85 is just unhealthy
Androdaixa: sigh
SoftLord: very much so
Androdaixa: i dont care
SoftLord: apparently not
SoftLord: so waste away to nothing if thats
what you want to do
Androdaixa: well i care to a certain extent, the only thing
thats stopping me, at this point, from going back to being 85 lbs
is the fact that i couldnt walk. eh… i cant take it anymore
SoftLord: you should see someone about this.
SoftLord: there are places that can help.
Androdaixa: i have……. ive seen like 5 differnt peopleand
ive been to those places that “help” and all they do is reinforce
the behavior by treating you like crap
SoftLord: if i could find you some place or a
person that could help would you be willing to
try it?
Androdaixa: i have a doctor….. hes the only doctor that has
ever done anythingfor me but i dont have the $ to go to him at
the moment
SoftLord: do you have insurance?
Androdaixa: doesant take insurance
Androdaixa: hes actually pretty famous…… Dr.Sacker, hes
been on the news a bunch of times for helping people
SoftLord: well that doesn’t matter if you’re not
going to him
Androdaixa: eh
SoftLord: from the people o’
Androdaixa: huh?
SoftLord: i’ve spoken to the most important part
in treating this is taking charge of your own
treatment
Androdaixa: thats true,
SoftLord: deciding to fix this
SoftLord: โ€œThe first step in recovery from
anorexia is simply to choose life”
Androdaixa: behavior modificaion makes everything worse
and yet people still think it works….. i hate 99% of doctors
SoftLord: but it casn’t be FORCED behavior
modification
SoftLord: you have to want to get better.
Androdaixa: if you want to get better you dont need
behavior modification
SoftLord: if you want to get better you’ll modify
your own behavior
Androdaixa: trust me i have been in those places, it does
nothing, even for peolpe who want to get better, it makes them
worse
Androdaixa: yeh
SoftLord: do you want to get better? I can help
or suggest options that you may not have
though of if you do, but if you don’t theres
nothing i can do.
SoftLord: I’m absolutely willing to help, as are
quite a few others.
Androdaixa: like what options?
SoftLord: i’d have to research it.
SoftLord: but as with any options if you go into
it with the attitude of “you can’t fix
me…convince me otherwise,” nothing’s going to
happen.
Androdaixa: the thing is…….. the ONLY way to get better is
by doing it yourself
SoftLord: that doesn’t mean you can’t have any
support.
Androdaixa: there are no options unless your talking about
meds
SoftLord: and i don’t necessarily agree with that.
Androdaixa: i do because i have seen just about every option
tehre is
SoftLord: and how did you go into those
options… with an attitude of “this will help me”
or with an attitude of “its all bullshit nobody can
help me”
Androdaixa: well……. considering the fact that they tried to
keep me there and didnt let me outside and i couldnt like listen
to music unless i ate i knew it was all bullshit
Androdaixa: i refused the medication
SoftLord: well then you’re not giving them a
chance now are you.
SoftLord: there is no ‘magic cure’. it takes a lot
of work. but you can do it if you want to.
Androdaixa: yeh but not by haveing people deprive me of my
freedom
SoftLord: your freedom to starve yourself?
SoftLord: sometimes you need to be deprived of
your freedom to get you on the right track.
Androdaixa: no the freedom to go outside, the freedom to go
for a walk, the freedon to listen to music and watch TV
SoftLord: you have the freedom, you just have
to eat.
Androdaixa: ok……. please dont tell me that you think
behavior modification helps
SoftLord: as with everything, it depends on the
person.
SoftLord: its not for everyone
Androdaixa: i know about 100 people from the hospitals i
was in who have eating disorders.. they will all tell you one
thing… it reinforces the behavior…… the point of an eating
disorder is to punish yourself……… that wont help
SoftLord: okay
SoftLord: then perhaps its not the best
treatment for you
Androdaixa: or anyone
SoftLord: since i don’t know the background
behind your problem i can’t offer tons of advice..
I think perhaps a counselor whom you trusted
and could be open with would be helpful. If you
can get to the root of why this is happening,
you can work to cure it.
Androdaixa: background?
SoftLord: when it started, whether there are any
specific events or relationships that triggered
it…basically the ‘whys’ of the disease.
Androdaixa: i duno maybe my dad…… i had wanted to be
anorexic since i was 5 years old though for some sick reason
SoftLord: there you go.
SoftLord: these things tend to be triggered by
something. usually early in life in relationships
with the parents.
SoftLord: question…do you have any medical
insurance?
Androdaixa: ive known it was my dad for a while
Androdaixa: yeh
SoftLord: I’
SoftLord: I’m going to look for a counselor who
specializes in such things. Will you go if i find
one?
Androdaixa: i have one
Androdaixa: the only one that has done any good
SoftLord: one who takes your insurance so you’ll
actually be able to go.
Androdaixa: i dont trust anyone else
SoftLord: does he not take your insurance or not
take any insurance?
Androdaixa: anyt i dont think, maybe only One Sure Insurance
SoftLord: hmm…
SoftLord: well you’ve certainly painted yourself
into a corner.
Androdaixa: yaes… my mom found him by doing research on
doctors
SoftLord: thats not very nice of her
SoftLord: finding you a doctor who you’ve
established a trusting relationship with and then
not paying or not being able to pay for you to
go. in fact i think its pretty cruel and isn’t
helping.
Androdaixa: i went to him for like a year like right when i
got out of the hospital….. its not her fault its my dad
SoftLord: what about him?
Androdaixa: he wont pay any of the medical bills and my
mom is out of a job at the moment
SoftLord: why wont he?
Androdaixa: we owe like 1200 bux to my nutritionist and he
wont give us any of it
SoftLord: does he give a reason?
Androdaixa: because he is selfish….. he has the $ but lies
and says he doesant
SoftLord: hmm.
SoftLord: well something has got to be done.
Androdaixa: not rilly, im not dieing anymore, ive beefed up
plenty
SoftLord: yes but the feelings are still there.
and i still have never seen you eat.
Androdaixa: yeh thats cuz i rilly dont eat in front of people
SoftLord: to deny that there is a connection is
not logical.
Androdaixa: i know there is
SoftLord: you might check out
http://www.anred.com/ . It seems to have a lot
of helpful information.
SoftLord: also http://www.eating-disorder.org/
Androdaixa: http://www.eatingdis.com/
Androdaixa: this is my doctors webpage
SoftLord: *nod* have you read his book?
Androdaixa: he gave us a copy……. havent read it yet
SoftLord: it sounds interesting
SoftLord: maybe i’ll borrow it after you read it?
Androdaixa: ok i gotts find it first though… my mom put it
somewhere
Androdaixa: i have mad books on eating disorders
SoftLord: well i’d be interested to read it after
you do.
Androdaixa: cool
SoftLord: Well, I just wanted you to know that if
theres anything i can do to help please don’t
hesitate to ask as i’d be more than willing to do
whatever i can.
Androdaixa: thank you hun :o)
SoftLord: oh hey do you work mondays?
Androdaixa: nope
Androdaixa: this is my last week at the studio anyway
SoftLord: hav eyou heard that we’re starting a
night on mondays?
Androdaixa: nope
SoftLord: yup…at the pyramid… bryan, paul and
I are spinning.
SoftLord: girls get in free
Androdaixa: awesome
SoftLord: starting 4/24 ๐Ÿ™‚
Androdaixa: awesome yo
Androdaixa: ill be having classes every day prolly though :o(
SoftLord: :/
Androdaixa: blah
SoftLord: yeah

Previous message was not received by
Androdaixa because of error: User Androdaixa is
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Written by admin

April 4th, 2000 at 8:56 am

Posted in Old Chat Logs

crystaledith

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Androdaixa: oh yeh….. why you mad at edith?
SoftLord: because she’s a drama queen, only
calls me or speaks to me when she needs
something and is basically consistantly making
bad choices for herself
SoftLord: i’m not mad at her…i’m more
dissapointed in her than mad.
Androdaixa: just because you think hse makes bad choices
for herself is no reason to be mad at her
SoftLord: as i said.
Androdaixa: or even disappointed……. its her life and you really have no right to hold any of her choices against her unless they are directly
effecting you
SoftLord: yes actually i do
Androdaixa: and why is that>
SoftLord: i’m entitled to have a feeling about her decisions and it affects how i deal with her
SoftLord: what…i should like everyone no matter what they do or say?
Androdaixa: yeh but is she hurting you?
SoftLord: not particularly…mainly because i don’t see her
SoftLord: what kind of statement is that anyway? i’m not allowed to be dissapointed in someone else?
Androdaixa: so….. just because she makes bad choices doesant mean you have to treat her differently…. its her life,, if anything you should try to
help her, and if she refuses the help then theres nothing yuou can do but still you shouldnt act nasty toward her….. shes mad upset yo and thats messed
up
SoftLord: thats honestly not my problem
SoftLord: she never calls me or talks to me unless she needs a favor. i’ve offered help she says she doesn’t have
a problem or need my help
SoftLord: or unless you mention that i’m mad at her or miss her.
SoftLord: and i’m not being particularly nasty i’m just not being particularly nice… she hasn’t given me any reason
to be as of late.
Androdaixa: she doesant call anyone yo…… you should know that by now
SoftLord: okay…she doesn’t make any attempt to contact me
SoftLord: and i’m supposed to be apologetic that she’s upset that she’s not on my list of favorite people?
Androdaixa: same here……… but thats edith….. shes got a lot of things to do.. thats no reason to be nasty to her
SoftLord: oh well
SoftLord: as i said.
SoftLord: i wasn’t being nasty i just wasn’t being particularly nice
SoftLord: at the moment she’s on my list of ‘too much work to deal with’.
Androdaixa: so you mean you dont care at all that shes upset…. yer a nice friend yo……. she didnt do anything to hurt you…
SoftLord: and i don’t deal with those kind of people until they show evidence to the contrary
Androdaixa: your mad cold
SoftLord: um
SoftLord: she’s upset because of things that she did…its not my fault she doesn’t want to deal with the
consequences of her actions.
Androdaixa: like what?
SoftLord: like being a drama queen and making no attempt to contact me unless you tell that i’m mad at her or if
she needs s a favor and such.
Androdaixa: what….. as i said… she doesant really contact anyone on a regular basis…..
SoftLord: *shrug* and thats what i call being a bad friend
SoftLord: she doesn’t contact me at all unless she needs a favor or to borrow something or you mention to her
that i’d mentioned
SoftLord: for the third time.
SoftLord: i valued her friendship more than that at some point…
Androdaixa: so you mean to tell me that you cant be friends with someone you dont talk to for a while? just because someone has no time to do
stuff doesant mean they are being a bad friend it just means they have a life to live. like my friend mary.. she like one of my best friends and
sometimes i dont talk to her for like a month but well always be there. shes just mad busy….. id be mad selfish if i expected her to stop drop everything
just to call me……
SoftLord: no…i can’t be friends who makes no attempt to contact me or to talk to me in clubs or even say
hello unless she needs a favor…and thats the last time i’m going to say that.
SoftLord: stop just typing and listen to what i’m saying.
SoftLord: and i don’t expect people to drop everything but i expect to hear from my friends every once in awhile
or at least get a hello in a club if they see me.
SoftLord: and by “hearing from my friends” i mean just to say hello not “hi i need a favor can i borrow this or that
or the other”
Androdaixa: i am listening…. but i am reading nothing that justifies my good friend being upset
SoftLord: *shrug*
SoftLord: i suggest you talk to her.
SoftLord: this is not my fault.
Androdaixa: i did talk to her
SoftLord: i have a feeling anyone else in my position would feel similarly
SoftLord: i’m sorry she feels that way, but this is how i feel.
SoftLord: and if in fact she misses me she should of thought of that over the past 6 months where she didn’t
walked right past me in clubs if she showed up at all. unless of course she needed to crash.
SoftLord: and if not wanting to deal with being ignored and treated like crap makes me a bad friend, then so be it.
SoftLord: sorry, but as much as i love my friends theres only so much shit i take from anyone.
Androdaixa: i duno ive never seen her completely ignore you at a club on purpose
SoftLord: considering how often you come out, thats not surprising.

Written by admin

April 1st, 2000 at 8:57 am

Posted in Old Chat Logs