sdcjournal

I love me

I used to, anyway

I so much want to be normal

With “normal” problems

And normal fears

I have been better

I don’t know anyone

Anyone real

They’re just words

They aren’t real people

I miss people

Yet I’m scared of them

Scared of what they make me

What I make me

I am by myself

Alone

Even with others

I am inside myself

Fighting to get out

Fighting with e

I want to

I can’t

I can

I don’t want to

I must

Oh?

Must I

I thought I could
I guess I’m just destined to be alone

Within myself

Forever

My only friend

Fighting to get out

Be normal

Be anything

But I’m not

I’m nothing

I’m myself

When all you do is look inward

You miss out on everything outside

That’s me

That’s who I am

How I am

What I am

I wish it were different

It wont be

Ever

This is how I am

By myself

Late at night

Talking to words

Instead of people

Staying inside to talk to words

Instead of

Going outside and talking to people

I wish I could

So much fighting

I am the enemy

Inwards

Looking inwards

It’s a damn lonely place

Inside of yourself

Thoughts echo

Emotions multiply

Pain increases

I am bouncing around inside myself

Looking for an opening

Alas, there4 are few

And when I find one

Somehow the inside looks a lot better

Easier

Less complicated

And still I bounce

Echoing.

SoftLord: bleh

NervaVels: TOTALLY

SoftLord: i just had it out with my dad about stuff

NervaVels: oh no.

SoftLord: i think some things have been resolved

SoftLord: though apparently he’s planning to sell the place in order to be able to pay for retirement and such

SoftLord: i told him how could he expect for me to start doing things like washing my own dishes when he never
gives me the chance to get into the habit of doing so…

SoftLord: and we discussed/argued over the letting people crash thing, and i guess i got to more of the core
issues

NervaVels: oh dear.

SoftLord: which were he thinks that the reason that people stay here is purely because its convenient

NervaVels: it’s a lovelyp lace, and I would stay there to steep in your dad’s work, but that’s neither here nor there

SoftLord: and i explained to him that i wasn’t planning on just letting people crash randomly after clubs if they’re
too lazy to take the trip home, but if people ahve been chilling with me throughout the evening and its either
sleep at my house for 3 hours and then go to work or trek back to their house in harlem which takes 45 minutes
each way only to come back to work on canal street i think thats a reasonable reason and i shouldn’t catch hell
because of it.

NervaVels: and he said?

SoftLord: i’m not quite sure… he offered some pithy argument which i shot down, but i think he relized that i have
a legitimate point

NervaVels: what was his pithy argument

SoftLord: his whole big thing is that he ‘doesn’t want this place to become a crash pad’ and was all like ‘well the
person i’m talkingto now isn’t the person i spoke to a year ago’

NervaVels: huh?

SoftLord: er…apparently a year ago i was letting people crash after clubs

SoftLord: which i wasn’t planning on doing anymore, unless i’m sleeping with them.

NervaVels: okay I’m confused.

NervaVels: you actually don’t let very many people sleep over.

SoftLord: i know

SoftLord: this and you know this

SoftLord: but i used to

SoftLord: and theres never any grey area with him

SoftLord: it takes an hours worth of arguing to get to any sort of compromise, and we’ll see how long this lasts

NervaVels: he’s like his paintings, and the building.. static.

SoftLord: he just doesnt want to let go of parental control

NervaVels: changes occur around him, but he doesn’t change to meet them – just uses the same thigns to meet evolving
problems – or things he sees as problems. Most of us parents do that; it’s not just your dad. 🙁

SoftLord: oh i know

SoftLord: he makes up problems or uses specific things as targets for what is actually bothering him

NervaVels: You might see things in a different light when it’s your own place, but I very much doubt you’ll be your dad.

SoftLord: i.e. it wasn’t people crashing that was bothering him it was why and when

SoftLord: but he chose to eliminate people crashing altogether

NervaVels: it was the fact he had no control over it.

SoftLord: i guess…partially at least

SoftLord: i think he also just thought i was being used and therefore he was being used

NervaVels: then he has a valid concern, but he’s not letting your own good judgement come through

SoftLord: i don’t know on what planet he thinks i didn’t know that certain people were crashing cause it was
convenient

NervaVels: perhaps the one where parents don’t believe their kids can get along without him

SoftLord: but i also know that were i to need a place to stay, i could ask any one of them

NervaVels: them. I mean.

SoftLord: freud would be proud

NervaVels: haha

SoftLord: at this point, he’s made himself somewhat indispensible in my life

SoftLord: er…not malevolently, just factually

SoftLord: to be fair, he does most of the chores around the house… i do my own laundry and try to clean up
after myself, but he does the shopping and takes out the garbage and such

NervaVels: it’s not an easy thing.

SoftLord: of course not

SoftLord: i mean i understand feeling old and not wanting to feel dispensible (not the word i was looking for but oh
well) but…

SoftLord: he refuses to deal with me on a man-to-man level

SoftLord: and apparently will continue to do so
until i’ve moved out

SoftLord: which, up until the news that he’s
planning to sell the place, i wasn’t planning on
doing…i was totally planning to continue living
here as long as i can with or without him or
anyone else

NervaVels: ouch.

SoftLord: its a great space thats ridiculously
inexpensive in a great neighborhood

SoftLord: we pay $1000 a month

SoftLord: which is unheard of

SoftLord: in this neighborhood for anything
resembling this type of space

NervaVels: that hurts, in a visceral way, to me.

SoftLord: what…how much we pay or me not
being able to live here?

NervaVels: how much you guys pay – remember
your talking to someone who actually could make a
payment monthly of 1000 with a job and kids if she
coudl find a space like that… and as for you not
living there, that could realistically change you.

SoftLord: *nod* so much of who i am is where
i live

SoftLord: or did you mean that as a positive

NervaVels: the first statement. I am having a hard
time trying to expressmyself.

SoftLord: s’ok

SoftLord: thats why i ask for clarification

NervaVels:

SoftLord: *sigh* s’ok…

NervaVels: waht does your dad want? I am in the
unenviable position of trying to figure out what’s best
for ebo, as she’s vascillating.

SoftLord: what do you mean what does he
want?

NervaVels: and I feel any decision I make is going
to hurt her in some way. What does he want?
What are his desires, his goals, his needs? does he
want to continue taking care of you? ist here
anyroom there for movnig a relationship from
parent/child to older/younger roommates, bother the
bloodties?

SoftLord: he’s 66 years old…change is a slow
process

SoftLord: i have no idea what he wants

SoftLord: and i don’t think roommate is a
realistic goal at this point…he’s too tied up in
not being expendable (THAT was the word i
was looking for)

NervaVels: he is, for you, right now indispensable..

SoftLord: well besides the fact that he’s my
dad and i love him

NervaVels: but .. what’s the thought I’m trying to
give here.. he’s enveloping too much instead of
supporting.

SoftLord: i hope you’re taking into account
that my talking to you is not taking into
account the good points in our relationship

SoftLord: oh believe me i know…

SoftLord: do you think its helping my sex/love
life to know that i can’t take someone home
from a club or have someone spend the night
without severe scrutiny and getting yelled at?

NervaVels: you know why I think of you so very
well? so highly? because you CAN love your dad,
Because you know the good points of this. Because
you can, despite the trials and tribs, love your dad.

SoftLord: well…i get a lot of my best
attributes from him

SoftLord: humor, generosity, art/design
proficiency

SoftLord: when we get along we often tell the
same joke at the same time

SoftLord: i mean, its mainly cause i know that
all of this isn’t based on any personal
malevolence toward me.

SoftLord: if i thought for a second he was
doing any of this just to piss me off or for
something other than what he thinks is looking
out for my best interests i’d be so out of here.

NervaVels: well, you neede dto get this out and
work it out. it will be a long process, and might
mean you being on your own.

SoftLord: *Shrug*

SoftLord: i’m more worried about him being on
his own than me

SoftLord: what’ll he do without someone to be
a jewish mother to

SoftLord: all praise the creators of
tinactin…my foots almost cleared up 🙂

NervaVels: yay1

SoftLord: more than you needed to know, i
know

NervaVels: no no no.. I know how well tinactin
works.. I’m glad it’s working, it’s why I
recommended it.

SoftLord: hey has diana spoken to you about
me?

NervaVels: i haven’t spoken to di for a while. she
wants me to go out.

SoftLord: ah

SoftLord: just curious

SoftLord: we’ve got this silly flirting thing going
on and we’ll probably take each other home at
some point