Private Journal – Keep Out.

Archive for August, 2000

mom IM re: dad

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StillwelNY: are u there?

SoftLord: yeah

StillwelNY: how u doing

SoftLord: been better been worse

StillwelNY: your message got me very concerned

SoftLord: yeah well its not just you.

StillwelNY: what do you mean

SoftLord: i’m not all that pleased about it

StillwelNY: o

StillwelNY: did u make a doctor appointment

SoftLord: i think dads going to

StillwelNY: ask him right now if he did

SoftLord: but i got the ominous “we’re going to
have to have a talk” today from hjim

StillwelNY: did he make an appointment

SoftLord: i didn’t ask him yet…

StillwelNY: just ask him

SoftLord: give me a sec

StillwelNY: k

SoftLord: apparently what i did two weeks
ago, which i thought was standing up for
myself was nothing but an attempt to be cruel
and heartless to him, and apparently i also said
things that he wouldn’t have said to me
although he had the right to, and we’re not
roommates, he’s my father, and he applauds
my thinking that i’m an adult so now he will be
shopping fro himself and i can make my own
damn doctors appointments and bank deposits
and such…and in the same breath he suggests
i take better care of myself annd go to the
dentist and eat some green vegetables.

StillwelNY: okay

SoftLord: i need a spiked wall to bang my head

StillwelNY: i do know how frustrating it is – but it
must be frustating for both of you – being the house
so much together

StillwelNY: being in the house

SoftLord: i know… but when he tells me that
me sticking up for myself after months and
months of bottling up agression based on his
totally arbitrary rules that made no sense was
nothing more than an attempt to be cruel to
him it affects me and makes me not want to
do it again.

StillwelNY: i hear you – you are both being hurt by
eachother – and both hurting eachother – it is really a


SoftLord: i don’t understand how so much
conflict can come when we both basically just
work around each other in realtime

StillwelNY: it takes alot of work for a parent and
child to be able to avoid conflict – and perhaps it is
inevitable because when you assume the role of
parent and child

SoftLord: it would be nice to have an escape,
but at the moment even going to clubs seems
like an obligation

SoftLord: as does being in communication with
people by being online

StillwelNY: i hear you – it sounds like these are
symptoms of depression

SoftLord: or a stressful situation

StillwelNY: or / and u need to do some serious soul
searching about your life

StillwelNY: or both

SoftLord: i’m not disagreeing that i’m heading
toward some sort of depression, i’m just not
positive that the need for some decompression
space is a symptom

StillwelNY: you are right

StillwelNY: you are welcome to come to avenue c
at any time

SoftLord: i know

StillwelNY: in fact there is no one there during the

SoftLord: i hate my damn brain chemistry

SoftLord: and endocrinological chemistry

StillwelNY: i know exactly what you mean – i think
there are many factors as u know

SoftLord: i know i need a job…i just really
want to find somewhere i fit in and can do
what i’m good at rather than just finding s shit
job that i hate, you know…

StillwelNY: what is a shit job

SoftLord: i don’t know

StillwelNY: do u mean easy job or mindless or

SoftLord: i don’t know what i mean

StillwelNY: u might want to call my friend john who
is working on a website and would like u to work
with him – the site is jobfather about finding jobs and
the jobs u like using the internet.. he is a good job
counseler also and a very nice man

StillwelNY: he also know alot about depression

SoftLord: yeah, but you know…i’ve been
through this before, i know the drill…

SoftLord: er…the depression

SoftLord: does this person have an e-mail?

StillwelNY: and medication helps you – so there is
always the possiblity of relief

StillwelNY: yes he does one moment


SoftLord: so i cut my finger last night and now
its bugging me

StillwelNY: r u gong to dj tomorrow?

SoftLord: i wasn’t planning on it

StillwelNY: will they still have u

SoftLord: that was a one time thing

StillwelNY: oh

StillwelNY: it sounds like u did very well Sunday

StillwelNY: are u going back next sunday?

SoftLord: we made a little under $200 at the

StillwelNY: that sounds good to me

SoftLord: after expenses we made about $40

StillwelNY: that is more than you have made before

SoftLord: i know…that wasn’t a complaint

SoftLord: but this is the last club night i’m
going to get involved with the business end of

StillwelNY: what does that mean the business end

SoftLord: promoting/organizing/running a night

StillwelNY: oh that does seem like lots of work –
can u just get individual gigs

SoftLord: its not just the work, its the politics
and B.S.

StillwelNY: what do u mean exactly

SoftLord: scene politics and jealousy and
politics, and people trying to screw you over
and such

StillwelNY: does it effect u directly – or can u do
your thing without getting involved

SoftLord: it does, it wont after two sundays
from now

StillwelNY: what do u mean

SoftLord: as i said…this is the last club night
that i’m getting majorly involved with the
business end of

StillwelNY: does that mean u will be doing any dj

SoftLord: sure, if people want me to

SoftLord: i still have my scene contacts, i just
dont’w ant to be running a night

StillwelNY: k

StillwelNY: how do u avoid the business – does
that exclude pyramid club

SoftLord: if i can just come in, dj and leave i’m

StillwelNY: why can’t u?

SoftLord: on sundays you mean?

StillwelNY: yes

SoftLord: cause its my night…i’m responsible
for stuff being run, and handling who gets paid
what and making sure everything goes
smoothly and advertising it and everything else

StillwelNY: i did not realize that

SoftLord: yup

SoftLord: *sigh*

StillwelNY: were u given this night

SoftLord: sorta…

StillwelNY: for more than 3 sundays

SoftLord: no

SoftLord: its just for three sundays

SoftLord: that being hte point of the night

SoftLord: i guess

SoftLord: cause the last night ended last
sunday and the manager, Corrino, doesn’t have
another night scheduled until aug 27th, so he
asked me if i wanted to od a night for 3 weeks
and i would keep the door

StillwelNY: so i sounds like u don’t have to really
do anything to get people in the door – u just need
to keep track of the moeny and divide it

SoftLord: of course at 3:45 last night he tried
to make me pay him for doing security and also
pay the tech guy out of the door when the
agreement was that we’d split it

SoftLord: i’ve been advertising it on the net, i
also created and printed flyers and have been
distributing them, and e-mailing lots of people


StillwelNY: the problem seems to be the manager
– he seems to like to get more than he deserves

SoftLord: well whatever

SoftLord: nothing i can do about it

StillwelNY: and when u get famous and in demand
u can just by pass him – but u need to start
somewhere does that make sense

StillwelNY: and as u say the money is not the most
important part at this time – it is the exposure

SoftLord: i don’t want to get famous as a club
night promoter

SoftLord: or particularly as a dj either…i dj
cause i like it not cause i want to make a living
at it

StillwelNY: i know that u like it tho

StillwelNY: it is just fun to do something u like and
perhaps get paid for it.

StillwelNY: it just paid money to do what i like

StillwelNY: i just paid

SoftLord: and having to deal with the business
end and all the B.S. really kills any enjoyment i
may have for the dj part

SoftLord: *swallows down yet another bout of

SoftLord: what i really want to do is be one of
a couple of people working on some sort of
music or tehcnology-oriented web site in an
environment with nice people and maybe
someone i know already working there

SoftLord: and whatever i get paid, i get paid.

SoftLord: i don’t want to be the only one there
that everyone else asks how to do stuff…i
want to be able to not know how to do
somethng and ask someone else and have
them do the same

StillwelNY: does not seem like an excessive

StillwelNY: i need to get going – do u want to set
up a time to get together – or we can talk tomorrow

SoftLord: and i’d like it to be soon before i go

StillwelNY: i am available tonight after therapy at
7:30 ish

StillwelNY: and the rest of the week after work –
and if u want we can do some music stuff at avenue
c on Friday when i am off


StillwelNY: i need to leave – so if we are not
meeting tonight – we can set something up tomorrow

SoftLord: then tomorrow i guess…i’m tired

StillwelNY: think about what u want to do

SoftLord: i take it back, my eyes don’t want to
stay open but i’m nto really tired

StillwelNY: i understand – please make the doctor

StillwelNY: gotta go

StillwelNY: bye and i love u

StillwelNY signed off at 5:44:20 PM.

Written by admin

August 8th, 2000 at 9:01 am

Posted in Family