sdcjournal

I’ve been chatting with a couple of my trusted friends about my last
couple of weeks, and have had to tell the general story over and
over… so, for the benefit of no one in particular, a summary of whats
going on.
===== i tend to rush into things really fast.. .and i kinda had like…
a breakdown cause i didn’t really know where things were going after a
month and a half…and i wanted to be further along…. couldn’t go to
work for half of the week before this.. etc etc..
her ex is also her business partner…and he’s nuts… so like…when
we were out where he was we’d have to like… hide in order to make out
or whatever…she “has to maintain a public image to get stuff
done”…couldn’t be bf/gf-y.. and like.. we were only seeing each other
maybe once a week at public stuff…and i’m all about like… sitting
at home and cooking dinner and hangin out and watching dvds and so she
seemed fine with where we were… thought we were being ‘intense’ for
so early on… so we had a long conversation about it…about where i
wanted to be and where she was comfortable being… no conclusions
reached…but after that things didn’t go too well for me… the whole
depressive break thing…spent most of wednesday before this hiding in
an office at work crying
its okay… i had like a week of depressive hell… went to therapy
monday… have another appointment this coming monday… things have
changed quickly this week though… she no longer works at that
place… she got into a physical altercation with the ex and
resigned…. looking for a new job… and a lot of the issues we had
(or i had) were because of all the stuff with her job… so we’ll see i
guess.. .still not quite sure where we are or supposed to be…but
trying not to stress it that much… besides work dicking me around
about a raise i’ve been owed for the last year…it all became totally
overwhelming .. i just wanna be someone she can open up to and feel
safe with ya know… i’m mushy like that … i suck at the beginnings
of things like this…i just want to skip ’em…cause i guess its
important to me to know whether i’m as important to someone as they are
to me
====
So there you go…
Trying not to stress… haven’t seen the girl in two weeks… she’s
focusing on sending out resumes everywhere to find a job… i think
this will change things, i hope for the better… not sure how high up
to place this stuff in my ‘world priority’ list… i guess if its too
high up i end up obsessing… but i dont not care…
we’ll see…we’ll see.

So Carlin got into a physical altercation with Ed (her ex boy slash
roommate / business partner) and resigned her post at Pseudo… This
happened Tuesday… I wasn’t sure i wanted to talk to her, but once she
told me what happened I immediately snapped into ‘what can i do to help
you’ mode… not sure whether it came from a general
‘being-there-for-people’ urge, from my feelings for her, or from some
kind of power thing…
she’s kinda in a similar boat as i was this past week…not quite so
bad, but … stuff has changed… a lot of the issues i have with our
relationship had at least something to do with her having to project an
image for the sake of her company, and her dealings with Ed…. not
sure what is going to happen now with either of those or with us
she’s being antisocial, though i’m still getting to talk to her online,
seems like she needs to work through some stuff, she’s feeling
‘played’… just want her to know that i’m not them… she’s not an
idiot i’m sure she has some idea, but i’m there for her, i have told
her that…. hope she takes me up on my offer of assistance… just
want to be someone she can talk to on an honest level… she’ll see, i
guess

Well I had the first meet with the therapist today. Things went okay, I
guess we covered a lot of ground… I feel a little lighter of mood…
going to try to go to work tomorrow for at least part of the day and
see how far i get.
chrrybmbnyc: i feel like i shouldn’t be talking to you – don’t know why

SoftLord: right now or in general?

chrrybmbnyc: in general

SoftLord: really…

chrrybmbnyc: yeah i think that i’m too crazy for you. not a good influence

SoftLord: an interesting statement considering i’m the one goin to a therapist

chrrybmbnyc: i do self therapy. it’s cheaper and takes less time

SoftLord: hows that workin out for you

chrrybmbnyc: pretty good.

SoftLord: i
was gonna say perhaps cause some of the reason i’m doin the therapy
thing is cause of relationship stuff and you dont want to affect that
right now one way or the other… but maybe i’m wrong

chrrybmbnyc: come again

SoftLord: the reason you felt like you shouldn’t be talking to me

chrrybmbnyc: hold on – phone call
And thats all she wrote… Not quite sure what to make of that… never
quite sure how much confidence to give in peoples opinions of
themselves in that context… mom thinks she’s just transposing my
recent issue onto herself, or blaming herself …
Can’t think about this right now, don’t really know what I’m talking
about.
Lighter is good…not good enough, but I guess it’ll have to do for now
… don’t have much choice in the matter …
I do feel stuck and powerless in a lot of my life right now… hadn’t
thought about it that way…
I guess we’ll see what’s next.

Still feeling the effects… I hope tonight helps… dont know how much
more of feeling like thsi i can deal with… i suppose thats why theres
an appointment today… spent so long avoiding the issues, i hope i can
…deal with them … don’t want it to be too little too late…
writing thinking about thinking about not thinking… why do people
(okay, me) get themselves into such complicated situations.
the questions start soon… i hope i have the answers that will help me
move forward and resolve/relieve some of this. that sentence was very
difficult to write … guess its my brain trying to convince me that
there are big decisions ahead that probably wont work out how i’d
like… dont know if thats true, but i probably can’t trust my feelings
still.
oh well…. time.

I felt a little better this morning, but i think i’m slipping back into
it… been feeling nauseous… i should probably eat something… brain
still struggling to find something to obsess over… its a lot of work
distracting myself… can’t give in to it though…
okay…crying does not help, for the record… i really hope tomorrow
will help … i guess maybe i’m counting on things too much…
hopefuly won’t have to deal with this for too much longer, no matter
how things go … i hope my life will wait for me. not that i don’t
have a habit of having major life decisions made for me..
my brain is still trying to bring things back to miss c. can’t think
about it … can’t think about it … won’t help anything anyway, I’m
not exactly objective in my ability to process such issues right now.
its not too comforting that i find myself unable to listen to music…
that’s like… a bizarre twist in my world.
And i still can’t speak… no energy behind my voice, throat hurts…
not that i have much of a reason to, but…
feel like its getting in through the cracks…. must find better
distraction…
maybe tv is it.
still, so cold.

So much for upswing.
Sleep will bring some relief, but for how long?
I’m too tired to think about that part.
May tomorrow be easier to get through.
Not sure whether talking to Carlin is making me feel better or worse…
she seems okay with not talkin about us, but then again she seems okay
with anything.
less of a dull throb, but more noticable when the waves happen.
time for an empty bed, even when i’m in it.

Still have this weird taste in my mouth….suppose it comes from not
eating anything substantial for almost a week…. Got to talk to Carlin
for a bit today… she seemed supportive but not worried… i suppose i
shouldn’t expect anything less from her, she has been around awhile, so
she keeps saying.

chrrybmbnyc:
depression is one of those things in life. my father was clinically
depressed when i was a girl. alot of it is just controlling your
thoughts. not letting yourself whirl off. finding something positive in
everything. i was depressed as a child probably genetic. took me a long
time and a lot of self therapy to find my balance. for me, i really had
to control my thoughts. if i was thinking something i knew was going to
sink me i would say to myself in my head, “knock it off” then tell
myself something i liked about myself.

she’s got the control thing down… i’m just trying to keep afloat at
the moment… though i have been feeling a little better… suppose i
shouldn’t say that or i’ll jinx myself… mom is being really
supportive as usual… she always helps me get through the hard times
and i love her for that… i know i must be a burdon on people right
now…nobody likes talking to mopeypeople…even those that get paid to
do it… everyone says it’ll get better, and i know it will… just not
sure when and what will happen then… guess its true, change is
scary… just seems weird to be obligated to change when i thought
things were going pretty swimmingly, at least overall…
dad as usual is dealing by trying to be helpful but then avoiding the
issue and bugging me about going to work…we all do things in
different ways, and i know he does the best he can when i get like
this…
still in the midst of it… every time i think to say that the end is
in sight a rush of nerves comes over me… see previous entry…dealing
with stuff… tomorrow is another day…hopefully i’ll feel okay enough
to go outside or something (apparently i’m on somewhat of an upswing
right this second…feel almost almost human)… we shall see…
why does that feel like i’m cheating…again.
brain chemistry is a strange thing.

SoftLord: if i start feeling
better then i will start having to deal with the issuese at hand…as
long as i still feel awful i can just concentrate on not feeling awful.
SoftLord: and thats scary for a
whole bunch of reasons.
why is this so difficult… watching the minutes tick by..
debating just going back to sleep… its the easiest escape from
everything…
don’t want it to hurt anymore… see above.
its all scary… any move is scary…
what am i going to do? dull throb.

friday-
Didn’t sleep in… couldn’t make it to work as expected… sat on the
computer all day, spoke to mom and sue and alex, who is also depressed
about love… not sure what to make of her situation, since she never
actually got to meet the person in question… i guess that doesn’t
matter much. still trying to distract myself… organizing mp3s via
itunes for windows…woohoo.
Feel like my brain is searching for something to obsess about about my
situation…volatile… like its the enemy… like in the matrix…
must keep distracted… what i’m keeping distracted from doesn’t matter
so much, apparently…whatever it may be, thinking about it hurts, so
I’m trying not to… Every once in awhile, i hit the point where I’m
feeling a little better and then I kinda feel bad for feeling better,
like I should be depressed right now… or that somehow feeling better
is scary or the wrong thing to have happen or cheating or something…
not really sure what that’s about… i guess its testing the waters or
something… but if you ask me right now, i dont know if i want to feel
better… or whether i feel like i should, more to the point. I’ve been
through this before, but it feels compressed this time…its all
happening at once. I feel so ill-equipped to deal with human
interaction on this level… one thing goes weird and i totally fall
apart… carlin keeps bringing up the age thing.. it doesn’t bother me
about her but i think it might bother her about me… we’re on
different pages… i wish we weren’t. i think we’re at least in the
same book, which is rare for either of us to find, apparently… I
actually ate something today for the first time since Tuesday. I should
get some multivitamins if I dont feel more hungry. I hope this can all
be resolved soon.
I miss me from last week. Though I guess some of the problems were
beginning to creep in.

wednesday-
unable to focus, hid in joanne grand’s old office…cried.. spoke to
nandi…
thursday-stayed home, slept til 1pm, obsessed over the carlin
situation…even typing the name sends waves… spoke to my mom and nandi
about the situation. emailed vera that i wouldn’t be in today or
tomorrow…she said ‘if i need anything…’ .. i guess people miss
me… though its not my self-confidence thats being affected here…
not in the overall aspect… just my love confidence and my ability to
function with other people
nandi said call carlin, so i did… spoke for 2 hours, explained the
situation… she can’t be what i need right now because of her job, and
what people expect of her in order for her to keep the upper hand in
business… does really like me.. kept saying (or maybe i’m just
repeating it over and over in my mind) that its only been a month and a
half, and thats not that much time, and that she thought she was doing
well by showing up to the coffee shop… i told her i wouldn’t even
have to think about showing up for one of her events.
neither of us is in the wrong here, which is what makes it so hard. But
I can’t keep obsessing over this right now, I just wanted to get it
out.