Private Journal – Keep Out.


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Didn’t sleep in… couldn’t make it to work as expected… sat on the
computer all day, spoke to mom and sue and alex, who is also depressed
about love… not sure what to make of her situation, since she never
actually got to meet the person in question… i guess that doesn’t
matter much. still trying to distract myself… organizing mp3s via
itunes for windows…woohoo.
Feel like my brain is searching for something to obsess about about my
situation…volatile… like its the enemy… like in the matrix…
must keep distracted… what i’m keeping distracted from doesn’t matter
so much, apparently…whatever it may be, thinking about it hurts, so
I’m trying not to… Every once in awhile, i hit the point where I’m
feeling a little better and then I kinda feel bad for feeling better,
like I should be depressed right now… or that somehow feeling better
is scary or the wrong thing to have happen or cheating or something…
not really sure what that’s about… i guess its testing the waters or
something… but if you ask me right now, i dont know if i want to feel
better… or whether i feel like i should, more to the point. I’ve been
through this before, but it feels compressed this time…its all
happening at once. I feel so ill-equipped to deal with human
interaction on this level… one thing goes weird and i totally fall
apart… carlin keeps bringing up the age thing.. it doesn’t bother me
about her but i think it might bother her about me… we’re on
different pages… i wish we weren’t. i think we’re at least in the
same book, which is rare for either of us to find, apparently… I
actually ate something today for the first time since Tuesday. I should
get some multivitamins if I dont feel more hungry. I hope this can all
be resolved soon.
I miss me from last week. Though I guess some of the problems were
beginning to creep in.

Written by admin

October 17th, 2003 at 10:47 pm

Posted in Uncategorized