Private Journal – Keep Out.


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Still have this weird taste in my mouth….suppose it comes from not
eating anything substantial for almost a week…. Got to talk to Carlin
for a bit today… she seemed supportive but not worried… i suppose i
shouldn’t expect anything less from her, she has been around awhile, so
she keeps saying.

depression is one of those things in life. my father was clinically
depressed when i was a girl. alot of it is just controlling your
thoughts. not letting yourself whirl off. finding something positive in
everything. i was depressed as a child probably genetic. took me a long
time and a lot of self therapy to find my balance. for me, i really had
to control my thoughts. if i was thinking something i knew was going to
sink me i would say to myself in my head, “knock it off” then tell
myself something i liked about myself.

she’s got the control thing down… i’m just trying to keep afloat at
the moment… though i have been feeling a little better… suppose i
shouldn’t say that or i’ll jinx myself… mom is being really
supportive as usual… she always helps me get through the hard times
and i love her for that… i know i must be a burdon on people right
now…nobody likes talking to mopeypeople…even those that get paid to
do it… everyone says it’ll get better, and i know it will… just not
sure when and what will happen then… guess its true, change is
scary… just seems weird to be obligated to change when i thought
things were going pretty swimmingly, at least overall…
dad as usual is dealing by trying to be helpful but then avoiding the
issue and bugging me about going to work…we all do things in
different ways, and i know he does the best he can when i get like
still in the midst of it… every time i think to say that the end is
in sight a rush of nerves comes over me… see previous entry…dealing
with stuff… tomorrow is another day…hopefully i’ll feel okay enough
to go outside or something (apparently i’m on somewhat of an upswing
right this second…feel almost almost human)… we shall see…
why does that feel like i’m cheating…again.
brain chemistry is a strange thing.

Written by admin

October 18th, 2003 at 5:33 pm

Posted in Carlin Drama