sdcjournal

Private Journal – Keep Out.

Archive for November, 2003

Another Letter I’ll Never Send

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for someone who has such impressive rhetoric about people who make
relationships more complicated, you do have a knack for creating
complication. you with your non-answers and mixed messages and busy
schedule. You do a good job of making it difficult to want to be with
you. Then again, you did say that in the beginning, though I called it
a copout at the time (as i always do, as I have a feeling anyone with
half a brain who’s heard that line does.
If you decided to take the time to let someone in, (as opposed to
‘keeping them on their toes’) perhaps your feelings would change about
yourself and other people. Stringing people along is not fun for anyone
involved, however, and thats what i’m feeling. And yet even as I write
this I’m feeling bad about it because you say you are trying, and that
you do want to be with me. So I find myself, as with seemingly
everything else in my sad little existance, treading water.
Don’t want to end it before anything has a chance to start, dont want
to continue on like this, haven’t gotten any indication that anything’s
going to change. Same place we’ve been for the last 2 months. A
significant portion of our interaction.
If this doesn’t matter to you, if you’re unconcerned, or not concerned
enough to act, or dont see anything amiss, or whatever, then I don’t
know. I don’t want to feel like interacting with you is a waste of my
time, but… I’ve done pretty much all I can do to move things forward
even a little bit, to no avail. If you can’t be in something, then tell
me, and I can work with it.
Give me heaven or give me hell, but not this purgatory.
And yet I know if you call me tomorrow I’ll still get that rush.
Tick tock.

Written by admin

November 30th, 2003 at 4:48 am

Posted in Carlin Drama

Here’s one i’m not sending.

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You’re a trip. All I want is to spend time with you, to learn about
you, to feel with you, your touch, your spirit. To learn to love you.
And what you give me is phone flirtation and invites to clubs. I’m not
that guy. I’m not the guy you go out with, I’m the guy you come home
to. I’m not the guy you shmooze at the club, i’m the guy who makes fun
of that guy with you after he leaves. I’m not fake, I’m real. And that
deserves some attention. Twice in two months, no matter how hectic your
schedule is, doesn’t tell me that I’m important to you. And its
something that bothers me. I need to feel like i’m important to you.
I’m just down the block. Take some of your precious time and spend it
with me. An hour a week? We all have crazy lives. Some of us realize
that there are people in our lives that can keep us sane and grounded;
people we can think about and be happy that they’re in our lives. Some
of us try very hard to let those people know that they’re important to
us. Take the time. Some of us are worth the trouble or working them in
to your crazy life. Without avoiding the question, or suggesting backup
plans.
The funny thing is, if you wanted to, you could do all of these things,
and it wouldn’t take that much at all. You could take me, take us, a
little bit seriously. I guess we can’t both have it our way.
Such a trip.
Too bad you’ll never fucking read this.
Tick tock.

Written by admin

November 29th, 2003 at 12:17 am

Posted in Carlin Drama

The response.

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chrrybmbnyc: hey you

SoftLord: hi. check your mail.

chrrybmbnyc: i just saw your message

SoftLord: okay

chrrybmbnyc: what are you up to?

SoftLord: respond to my message first razz

chrrybmbnyc: ok i read it

chrrybmbnyc: didn’t seem like there was a question

SoftLord: well…the implied question was “where the heck were you and why didn’t you call”, i thought

chrrybmbnyc: you know me…I get sucked into things and I’m the worst at phone calls. I’m sorry

SoftLord: i
do… but i wouldve really appreciated the 30 second “hey i can’t make
it tonight, but lets do it another time”… it wouldve meant a lot

chrrybmbnyc: I know…I’m trying. one of these days I’ll surprise you

chrrybmbnyc: just the stress. with adam’s second surgery I’ve been kind of fucked up

SoftLord: it
makes me feel like i’m important enough to you to think about when
we’re not together…and lets me know not to wait around so i can make
alternate plans

chrrybmbnyc: with me, you should always make alternate plans

SoftLord: i
know hon… its not the fact that you didn’t make it that annoyed
me…i know yuo’re havin a crazy month…its just that you didn’t call

chrrybmbnyc: ok point taken

SoftLord: i didn’t want alternate plans, i wanted to cook you dinner and hang out and fall asleep wrapped around you

chrrybmbnyc: i see

SoftLord: i thought that wouldve been a nice evening… had food all ready and everything

chrrybmbnyc: what kind of food

SoftLord: schezuan stir-fry with chicken and veggies

chrrybmbnyc: oohhh

SoftLord: yea

chrrybmbnyc: so PLaygirl wants cherybomb

chrrybmbnyc: that’s what i’ve been doing

SoftLord: playGIRL?

chrrybmbnyc: yeah

chrrybmbnyc: new line of programming

SoftLord: ahhh

chrrybmbnyc: female oriented

SoftLord: tv? or print?

chrrybmbnyc: tv

chrrybmbnyc: time for dinner brb

Written by admin

November 21st, 2003 at 10:03 pm

Posted in Carlin Drama

The Letter

one comment

C-
So you got swamped with stuff. I can understand that. But you should
have called to let me know that you’d have to reschedule. That’s the
thing that made me mad. You knew that. It would’ve taken 2 minutes, and
you didn’t, for whatever reason.
So here’s the deal. I know you’re having a ridiculously busy month. I’d
love to hear from you whenever you have time, but I think it needs to
be you who sets the plans for now, since my schedule is more flexible
than yours at the moment, and since making plans and then having you
not show up just makes me angry, and I donšt like being angry at you.
So do let me know when you’d like to do something. Or just to say hi.
Or whatever.
That’s two you owe me now. Plus the Impresario thing.
-J

Written by admin

November 21st, 2003 at 9:59 pm

Posted in Carlin Drama

Just the Way…

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I was supposed to have dinner plans with miss C but she ended up having
to shmooze the CEO of yellow rat bastard instead… on 3 hours of
sleep, tired and grouchy and having to miss plans with me, which she
seemed genuinely dissapointed about…poor thing… offered weekend
plans… maybe i’ll drag her clubbing with me tomorrow…somewhere not
cool … i like uncool places.. i have a feeling she does too…
hang in there…
for the both of us.

Written by admin

November 13th, 2003 at 11:22 pm

Posted in Carlin Drama

Hold On Loosely….but don’t let go.

one comment

The phrase that keeps running through my head is “just hang in there.”
Went out for drinks with Carlin tonight. It was really good to see her.
She caught me up on whats going on with her job… she was still
vaguely ‘work-mode-y’, but still was genuinely happy to see me… she
apparently got a call saying basically ‘what are your demands’ and then
they met all of them… so she has a few projects going on (a
clubplanet/eTV/SpikeTV thing that sounds good, as well as a clothing
line, and relaunching her CherryBomb line of stuff. She pictures
herself being able to work on a project-basis… have a project she
works on from beginning to completion for 6 months and then just be
able to bum around… hey, sounds good to me if that means i get more
time with her.
I managed to get in a “its good to see you” and other than the makin
out (which i missed, of course) i got a meaningful hand squeeze.. Its
weird, I can read her body language really well, I know how she feels
even when her ‘surface work-persona’ doesn’t exactly belie it but i can
tell her feelings run deeper than she displays publically, and she
knows I know it, which is something… And then of course i had to part
company with her a block before she got back to her job so no Pseudo
people would see us together. That’s going to keep bothering me but I
guess it’s something i’m going to have to live with. I did say it to
her, though… not that she doesn’t know that it bothers me. And not
that I don’t know that it’s not about me.
The phrase that keeps running through my head is “just hang in there.”
I find myself envious of Carlin’s financial ambition. Not in the “I
wish I was her” angry sense, in the “I wish i had that for myself”
sense. I wouldn’t know where to begin in terms of making myself money
like she has ideas to do… she says she doesn’t think she could live
on $100K a year… I feel like I could be doing stuff like that, but I
wouldn’t know where to begin. Still feeling stuck. Maybe I’ll ask her
about it, maybe she could help me move my life forward, more than just
being a positive part of my existance. Might that change the nature of
the relationship… dont want to put myself in the position to be a
project or whatever.
random thought…self-imposed arbitrary limitations on how
successful/happy i can be…where does it come from? am I ready to do
something about it? Can I in my current situtaion? What do I have to do
to get to that point? My 20s suck. They’re full of complications and
increased stakes and now it means something. However, everyones 20s
suck, apparently. Was talking to Carlin about it, her 20s sucked too.
Just trying to surround myself with people and circumstances that make
them okay until I get through them. Its just rough being an ‘old soul’
and stuck in this stuff which I kinda feel should be beneath me. Stuck
in my outside circumstances and stuck within myself. Interesting.
The phrase that keeps running through my head is “just hang in there.”
I’ll do my best.

Written by admin

November 12th, 2003 at 9:43 pm

Posted in Carlin Drama

a letter to carlin

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Hey,
I really need to know what’s going on here. I understand that your life
is in flux, but saying you’re going to call to meet up and then not
getting in contact with me for the entire weekend and yesterday hurts
me. I don’t deserve to be treated with such a lack of respect, be it by
someone I’m ostensibly ‘with’, or by a friend. If you don’t feel up to
hanging out with me, please feel free to just tell me.
There’s a lot of stuff going on with you right now. Is there anything I
can do? I’d like to be someone who you can talk to about such things,
I’d like to help if I can.
Right now, I’m not really sure where we are anymore. I’m sure you know
that I’m quite fond of you. I was feeling that with all the drama
leading to your departure from Pseudo that things would progress to a
point where you’d have more time in your life for me, as well as being
able to see you in a place where you’re treated with the respect you
deserve and the ability to lead your life without having to deal with
psycho ex’s and stupid drama. That, apparently, did not ‘stick,’ for
whatever reason, and although I know that it’s your life, I’d be lying
if I said I wasn’t at least a little disappointed. Maybe that’s
selfish, but so be it. And I’d also be lying if I said it didn’t sting
a little that you chose to spend your halloween with someone who’d
recently been physically abusive to you instead of me, regardless of
whether that was your intention.
I want to be with you, Carlin, but not if I’m not even enough of a
priority to you to be able to have the common courtesy to return a
phone call when we have plans, then there’s only so much I’m willing to
put myself through for someone, no matter how much I care about you.
Now perhaps there are extenuating circumstances that I’m unaware of,
but I can only act based on what I know and feel right now. Please give
it some thought and let me know what you want to do.
I understand you wanting to keep things casual for now, and I’m trying
to respect that, but casual does not mean (to me at least) flaking and
not returning calls when there are plans set up.
So please talk to me; I won’t bite. Much.
-Jeremy
sent @ 2:39pm… we’ll see.

Written by admin

November 4th, 2003 at 2:39 pm

Posted in Carlin Drama

What to do?

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Random Thoughts
– Why is it my responsibility to resolve this? Why do i have to be the
one to call her
– Is that a copout?
– What am i going to do about this?
I feel like all the important people in my life i’m not related to have
drifted away… i was looking for somieone to hang out with tonight and
i couldn’t find anyone i wanted to spend time with that i could spend
time with…. guess i’m just not that social anymore… all this time
spent thinking and i still dont know what actuion to take with my
situations…action is scary.
mom says dont call, that its on her… MR says to call and resolve… i
dont knowwheres my lucky streak now?

Written by admin

November 3rd, 2003 at 10:35 pm

Posted in Carlin Drama

Ideal

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What would be the circumstances that would have to occur in order to
have the current aspects of my life revise themselves to their ideal
state?
Work: – no more IT (or severely limited) – time to redesign intranet
for more user-based additions and modifications (asset DB / etc) – pay
increase as measure of respect
Home – dynamic change…not sure about the details of this…do I have to
leave?
Relationship
– would have to be much more of a priority to the girl
– would she have to leave pseudo? Not sure… not just for my happiness…
a lot of the issues stem from that situation and her choice to return
– things would have to be less complicated
– am I asking for too much? Or too much from this person?
– Still falling into old patterns … can’t change people… can however be
a
positive influence on their lives… I guess I am that, at least
– What to do? Stay or move on…is it worth it… can changes be made… am I
giving up where I shouldn’t?
– Thought of failure threatening…what must i do or be to make a
relationship succeed for any length of time? Whose responsibility is
it… – Obsessing.
– Why is this list so much longer than the others

Written by admin

November 3rd, 2003 at 10:29 am

Posted in Uncategorized

Hmmm more.

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Okay, i’ve been avoiding writing this entry for the last hour and i
guess its time… Haven’t spoken to miss C since friday afternoon (see
previous entry)… i’d assume she knows that i’m not too pleased with
her… not sure what the next step is… or how i’d react to our
inevitable re-contact…. sue said she doesn’t like that idea of me
being with someone who’s ‘partygirl’ life is more important to her than
i am… i dont think i like it either… but then of course when we DO
spend time together…. it seemed like everything was changing for the
better, and now its like nothing has changed. If i were to never see
her again, how would i feel… not sure… i’m sure she’ll have some
explanation… i dont like being led on… for someone who puts so much
lip service into having relationships be uncomplicated……..
The things that provoke a physical reaction: feeling down and eating to
feel better, to feel full of something…. craving someone to sleep
next to… thinking about returning to another work week… obsessing
about possible outcomes of the carlin situation…checking for her name
to see if she’s online… wondering how much i let myself put up with
in the different aspects of my life and whether that much is within the
bounds of how much people are supposed to put up with.
My mom says the beginnings of relationships are like this
sometimes…testing boundaries and such… This must be why i’m so bad
at them… i dont feel the need to do such things… yet another time
in recent memory where i feel out of control… i dont think i’m a
controlling kind of person, i just dont like the powerlessness
overall… i like to have some say in the plot of my life… i just
feel like life is screwing with me right now… being a tease….
job i enjoy, but stuck doing mindless IT tasks… girl i’m into who
flakes and ‘can’t make me a priority right now’… feeling wobbly,
train not firmly on track… jsut want it firmly on the tracks and not
precarious.
maybe sleep will make it better.
6 hours of blissful distraction
who am i kidding.

Written by admin

November 3rd, 2003 at 1:41 am

Posted in Carlin Drama