sdcjournal

Private Journal – Keep Out.

Archive for December, 2003

For posterity’s sake

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Snarki2: I feel that Ed’s a selfish ass
hyperthetical: yeah
hyperthetical: one more chance, eh? 😉
Snarki2: I need him right now. gotta drive the car till the wheels fall
off sometimes
hyperthetical: well… once he stops being of any use… hyperthetical:
i’m just sayin
Snarki2: I hear you. and you know that I know the deal. jaded and all
hyperthetical: listen, about yesterday…i dont mean to be over
dramatic, i just don’t wanna be sittin around and not getting to see
you when i’d like to be… i understand your situation, i guess i’m
just worried that the payoff wont’ come and i’ll just have been waitin
around… i know i’m important to you, but it confuses me when you say
one thing and then do another… i’m sure you can understand it…
maybe i just dont fully grasp where you’re comin from or how this is
gonna work in your mind, and i’d like to…
hyperthetical: since opening yourself up and communicating your
feelings isn’t exactly your strong suit… 😉
hyperthetical: tho i know you’re better at it with me than with most
Snarki2: here’s how it’s gonna work. I’m going to close a deal
licensing the old Pseudo archive and our new programming to Playgirl, a
new Hip Hop channel, etc. Then I’m going to have 3 of our DVDs hit the
market. Finally, we’re going to have our patent granted at the same
timet that Pseudo is going to be 10 years in may. I’m going to ring the
dinner bell and teh $ is going to come rolling in. Then, I’m going to
buy a beach house, chill out, and write
hyperthetical: and how in your mind do i figure in to that
hyperthetical: honestly
Snarki2: you can come over and help me shovel sand
hyperthetical: you knew what i meantm
hyperthetical: meant
Snarki2: thought I did answer
hyperthetical: that wasn’t an answer razz

Snarki2: yes it was. let’s just focus on fun right now

hyperthetical: well that was the plan for friday night

hyperthetical: i thought

Snarki2: all work and no play

hyperthetical: apparently

Snarki2: so how’s your day

hyperthetical: nobody’s puttin a ring on yer finger but you gotta at least try to show up, ya know? razz
hyperthetical: busy busy
hyperthetical: fun to be had and all that
Snarki2: not looking for a ring and you know that. just looking to get
out of my business with some $
hyperthetical: i know… i’m just sayin in the meantime, not to be
selfish, but i think its fair to ask for some part of your time to make
it worth it to stick around… otherwise, no matter how special i might
find you, i’m just a sucker sittin with my thumb up my ass waitin for
you to cash out
hyperthetical: in other words i dont need another 6 months of bein
flaked on in my life 🙂
hyperthetical: and contrary to what you might think i’d much rather be
havin fun than havin these convos every other week razz

Written by admin

December 15th, 2003 at 5:00 pm

Posted in Carlin Drama

Resolution?

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SoftLord:: hi.

chrrybmbnyc: he you

chrrybmbnyc: hey

SoftLord:: yes

chrrybmbnyc: just correcting my misspelling

SoftLord:: right

chrrybmbnyc: so how are you

SoftLord:: sick of stuff being difficult that should be easy.

chrrybmbnyc: hear that

SoftLord:: not sure that you do

chrrybmbnyc: ofcourse I do

chrrybmbnyc: I called to hang this weekend

SoftLord:: and i didn’t answer

chrrybmbnyc: don’t I get points for that

SoftLord:: howd that feel

chrrybmbnyc: tit for tat I see

SoftLord:: no, if it’d been tit for tat i wouldve set up plans and then not picked up… quite a few times

chrrybmbnyc: did I miss something

chrrybmbnyc: was working Friday night until 3am – not fun being at a club from 8:30-3am on your feet getting talent releases

SoftLord:: dunno…did you… we
had plans friday night to hang out after our respecive social
obligations… called at 1:30 (When we were supposed to meet up) and
again at 2 and again at 2:30…did not get an answer each time
SoftLord:: not even to say “hey sorry but i got stuck here and i’m just gonna want to go home”, which would’ve been fine

chrrybmbnyc: do you really think I had cell reception in Crobar – buried in the bottom floor with tons of audio equipment

chrrybmbnyc: guess I should have called at 3:00 and wake you up

SoftLord:: if we had plans i think i wouldve thought to check messages or call to reschedule or at least update…

SoftLord:: i was up at 3

SoftLord:: home bein sad cause i didn’t get to see you cause you’d not picked up…again.

chrrybmbnyc: I was working my ass of

chrrybmbnyc: f

SoftLord:: i dont doubt that

chrrybmbnyc: and I was miserable.
sitting there listening to fucking WIT suck balls and kissing their ass
to sign off on the release. all when I don’t even care cause THEY SUCK
SoftLord:: sounds like a good end to that evening wouldve been to have someone to unwind and snuggle wif

chrrybmbnyc: making sure that Chad
did just enough coke to be functional but not enough to fuck himself
(cause he won’t stop doing it), having ed up my ass, and buying Paulina
and Karen drinks. Not my idea of fun
SoftLord:: i know how hard you work

chrrybmbnyc: and now I’m sick

SoftLord:: i just dont know what to
do … i feel like i can’t make plans with you because for one reason
or another they’re not gonna happen and i’m just gonna end up feeling
hurt by it … i dont want to be an obligation, and i dont think its
‘work’ when we’re together…
chrrybmbnyc: no, and we’re going to that christmas party on Thursday

chrrybmbnyc: hold on

SoftLord:: whether or not you do it
maliciously is irrelivant… when we make plans and then you dont show
up it hurts… cause really, what are we doing if we dont end up
spending any time together?
SoftLord:: and i LIKE spending
time with you, and it makes me feel like the opposite is not true if
you can just blow me off… i know you’re busy, and i know you weren’t
just out partying, but…
SoftLord:: and i’m sick of being
flaked on and i’m sick of having this conversation and i’m sick of
things being hard when they should be easy… and thats what i wanted
to say
chrrybmbnyc: well I’ll give you
that. I’m sick and I’m tired and this week I have even more work and
more events. so I don’t ‘know what to say. I hate everything
SoftLord:: i guess i’m just confused as to why you wouldn’t want some positivity in your life with all your other shit going ong

chrrybmbnyc: because I don’t have time for positivity.

chrrybmbnyc: I’m going to go crash on the couch. This antibiotic is kicking my ass. have a good night. sorry. C

SoftLord:: you had the end of friday night and the morning of saturday between business things…

SoftLord:: okay well i dont know
what to do now still…so.. let that be said.

Written by admin

December 14th, 2003 at 7:54 pm

Posted in Carlin Drama

This isn’t going to be easy, is it…

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Had a generally good week.
Bullet points:
– DJed with Red Alert and Joey on Tuesday. Had fun, felt totally
outclassed. I’m so used to being in the upper echelon of DJs in my
particular scene (having been in it 6 years) that when i spin with
people who’ve been doin it 20+ i felt like the small fry. Not that i
didn’t think I did a good job, and i’mi sure when i’ve been doin it as
long as they have i’ll be as good as them. Anyway, they want me to be a
resident! I get to spin with these guys every month starting in
february. Good deal.
– Got to have lunch with Carlin on Wednesday. She needed my advide on
some stuff going on. Basically Ed (the psycho ex/business partner)
stole her paycheck and spent it on coke and strippers. People have been
telling her to cut him loose and i guess she just wanted a friendly
face to tell her too.
Spoke to her Friday, apparently she’s giving him ‘one more chance’ and
then he’s out… dont know what to make of that. told her she was ‘too
forgiving’…not that she didn’t know that.
Let’s see if this sounds familiar to anyone.
Carlin was in a really good mood apparently on Friday… sorta
scheduled to meet up after her shoot of the evening at around 1:30… i
went out clubbin and called 3 times when we were supposed to meet…no
dice.
She called Saturday morning, I didn’t answer (breakin the pattern).
Left a message saying that she’d been out til like 4 last night and
didn’t remember most of it, and wanting to see if i wanted to hang out
cause she was going to be in the city and had some free time. Left
another message that afternoon saying “I’m beginning to think you’re
ignoring me. Oh well, just desserts and all that. Give me a call if you
want to do something today.”
Its strange, this is the first day i’ve realized how out of touch with
some of my emotions I am. I felt angry that she flaked again, since i
was looking forward to having an evening with her. But this weekend I
was not at all sure how long i was supposed to be mad for or whether i
was supposed to call or anything… not at all sure how to handle the
situation.
How do you make other people see their patterns and break them? Or is
it ones place? Does it change when you’re directly affected? Why don’t
I know how to handle this?

Written by admin

December 14th, 2003 at 5:01 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

State of the Union

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chrrybmbnyc: just

finished meeting with your boy, Tom

hyperthetical: heh…fun fun

hyperthetical: he’s good people

chrrybmbnyc: very nice. although when i first walked in I kind of forgot if and when we met…or rather how drunk I was

hyperthetical: wereyou drunk?

chrrybmbnyc: fuck you

hyperthetical: no, i dont remember

hyperthetical: you met him a couple of times…once at pseudo with me and ed and adam and once at the BBQ

chrrybmbnyc: BBQ?

hyperthetical: that thing in williamsburg

hyperthetical: you bought me soda

hyperthetical: and we flirted

hyperthetical: hehe

chrrybmbnyc: right….he was there? dont remember

hyperthetical: he was, yes

chrrybmbnyc: you tried to flirt you mean

hyperthetical: well who had to try, i already got you to buy me a drink

hyperthetical: :*

hyperthetical: admittedly i was not trying very hard… but it did advance my opinion of you

hyperthetical: i’m like the worlds most easily baited person arent i

chrrybmbnyc: i know

hyperthetical: you know what

chrrybmbnyc: what?

hyperthetical: chrrybmbnyc: i know

chrrybmbnyc: you’re easy

hyperthetical: and at this point you know that from what… distant memory? 😛

hyperthetical: i’m easy for some

chrrybmbnyc: for me…and I like it

hyperthetical: thats part of the reason i continue to let you get away with some of it razz

chrrybmbnyc: so twisted

hyperthetical: what can i say… i like you… i have a pretty high tolerance with people i like…

hyperthetical: i really wish we had the time together to get further than the ‘like’ part.

chrrybmbnyc: you mean the sticky part

hyperthetical: not just that

hyperthetical: the snuggly sweatpants connection closeness corny part too

hyperthetical: if i just wanted to get into your panties dont you think i wouldve found a more

appropriate person by now

hyperthetical: perhaps you dont yet get
it… if we’re in this then i’m in it for real… i dont like just
playing around with something that isn’t at least going to have the
option to go somewhere forward-like…to have a real, meaningful, deep
connection with someone…which is not to say i’m searchin for
serious-all-the-time certainly… but… real… someone to comfort at
the end of a stressful day, someone to have inside jokes and be silly
with… hyperthetical: and you LOVE my speeches.

chrrybmbnyc: I’d call them diatribes

hyperthetical: well pardon me for being eloquent 😛

chrrybmbnyc: ]shocked

hyperthetical: what’s that for

chrrybmbnyc: just like making an angry face

hyperthetical: you also like not giving me anything by way of your side of things…sometimes it

feels like i’m talkin to a sponge…. a cute sponge, but a sponge nonetheless..

hyperthetical: stupid wireless…back

hyperthetical: *waits*

chrrybmbnyc: *pants*

hyperthetical: ?

chrrybmbnyc: too easy

hyperthetical:

hyperthetical: yuo’re just not gonna make any of this any easier are you

hyperthetical: for either of us

chrrybmbnyc: sorry I’m in a playful mood

chrrybmbnyc: well rested and all

hyperthetical: so i see… doesn’t mean i dont deserve an actual response 😛

chrrybmbnyc: of course not.

hyperthetical: yuo’re new to this whole ‘prompting for a response’ thing arent you

hyperthetical: most people would have at
least something to say in response to something like that…be it
‘sounds good lets go for it’, ‘i cant commit to something like that
right now’ … ‘sorry but i’m just using you for your eloquence’ …
something. does not make me feel too good about it that you chose to
say “*pants*”instead
hyperthetical: what is it that you’re scared of

chrrybmbnyc: commitment

hyperthetical: because the last time it happened you got fucked over

chrrybmbnyc: I’m not bitter. It wasn’t
that I got fucked over it’s that it didn’t work and I think it was me.
Don’t think I have the personality for it. So maybe I’m internalized
things too much

hyperthetical: things dont work out
sometimes… doesn’t mean you should give up on them forever…. people
change… if we didn’t change and grow what would be the point of life.
hyperthetical: Carlin. I won’t make a fool of you.

hyperthetical: i’m just sayin.

hyperthetical: we’ve all had things not
work out.. certainly i’ve been burned my fair share… but i gotta
believe if i continue to try my best to keep an open mind to new
people, things will work out… doesn’t mean i dont have walls same as
you or that its difficult to let people in… i just feel like
sometimes its worth it to try.
hyperthetical: brb dont go nowhere

hyperthetical: back

hyperthetical: and you couldve just said that at the beginning

chrrybmbnyc: just gun shy…relax. I can’t promise anything but lots of fun and a true friend

hyperthetical: i have a lot of friends.

chrrybmbnyc: I’m not making a statement about sexuality but about being real

hyperthetical: as was i

chrrybmbnyc: just going to rub me hard today

hyperthetical: apparently… i’m
sick of treading water with things that are important to me… not just
you…i need something to progress…for my own sanity, and you’re
probably the part of my life with the greatest possibilities…i just
wanna be on the same page
chrrybmbnyc: on the same page with you – have a line on an apartment. trying to progress also

hyperthetical: just want to know
that i’m part of your plans like you’re part of mine, ya know…call me
insecure… 😛 .. .and just want to get on with it, ya know… good
times are ahead!

Written by admin

December 4th, 2003 at 5:43 pm

Posted in Carlin Drama

More Ruminations

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SoftLord: i’m
involved with someone who doesn’t have time for me but wishes she did,
and i’m waiting because i dont have somewhere better to be and it
doesn’t suck enough to leave

Jaesabel: oh been there

Jaesabel: not a fan

SoftLord: no

Jaesabel: Eid doesnt really have time for me either

SoftLord: but i get a taste of her a couple of times a week… enough to keep me hangin on

SoftLord: and i haven’t seen her in 3 weeks… again…

Jaesabel:
he still hasnt told his dad but he told his mom and all of his friends
and extended family know me so i think its no coincidence that his dad
suddenly needs him all the time

Jaesabel: three weeks is a long time jemmy

SoftLord: and i find myself rehearsing a breakup speech that i dont want to give cause i do genuinely like her

Jaesabel: yup

SoftLord: and if the timing were different…

SoftLord: but if we end it, i have the gut feeling that the window wont reappear

Jaesabel:
i find myself thinking of people i shouldnt back home and how poorly
Eid will fit in there to give myself an excuse to end it now

Jaesabel: yeah….

Written by admin

December 1st, 2003 at 12:22 am

Posted in Carlin Drama