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Private Journal – Keep Out.

Archive for January, 2004

Drama! Intrigue! Stupidity!

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So Todd [Director of IT, TVT Records] comes into my office last Monday,
hands me a package containing an Archos AV380 Audio/Video player (this
portable thing with an LCD screen and a hard drive that plays mp3s and
video files and such) and says “Steve [president, TVT Records]needs the
last 18 months worth of TVT Media on here”. Tall order to begin with,
especially since that doesn’t exist all in one place anywhere (it
WOULD, if anyone around there had been listening to me that we need an
Asset Management System in place), so basically i’d have to get the
last 18 months worth of TVT CDs and rip them all (10minute per CD *
like 23-24 CDs=hmmmm…) plus collect all of the videos we’ve done that
we have on DVD or CDROM and re-encode them for this device (~10 videos
@ 20 minutes each = ???).
So anyway, I knew Steve was going to be away next week, so i figured
i’d just work on it then and have it ready for him when he comes back.
So Todd comes in Friday ngiht at like 5:30 and is like ‘hey man, is
that thing done for Steve?’ So I’m like ‘ummmmm…. no… should it
be?’ So theres like… a second of silence before he says ‘He leaves in
an hour!’ and starts getting all panicked… so i’m like ‘ummm…nobody
mentioned to me that he needed it for his trip!’ so he’s like ‘its a
steve thing you need to drop everything when he asks for something its
the highest priority!’ So my response was ‘A lot of things around here
are my highest priority’ so he storms off in a panic or whatever.
So about 10 minutes later Vera [Controller/HR, TVT Records] storms into
my office and proceeds to accuse me self-righteously of “trying to
sabotage Todd’s job” for like 2 full minutes before I could get a word
in edgewise. So i’m like “Vera…be quiet for a second… if i’d KNOWN
he needed it for MIDEM [the music conference he’s going to next week] i
would’ve had it DONE for MIDEM… but nobody gave me ANY context or ANY
deadline”
She stops and thinks for a second and is like ‘oh, cause you know what
MIDEM is and todd doesn’t’ And i’m like “uhh…yes.”… so she like…
halfway apologizes but not really and offers to pay me overtime if i
come in on saturday and get it done before Steve goes to the plane.
So I was at work until midnight last night with Todd trying to get as
much video and audio onto it as possible, which seems futile since he’s
probably just going to break it, lose it or not use it anyway.
Sabotage! What am I, the freakin KGB?
i’ve been there 3 years…the fact that there wasn’t even THOUGHT put
into that before the accusations began flying…
I need to get out of there.

Written by admin

January 24th, 2004 at 4:37 pm

Posted in TVT

Ende Game

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Carlin-
Although I’m not sure I feel like this is even worth it, here it is.
I need to move on. I don’t feel like I’m being treated how I need to be
treated to be involved with you in any capacity right now. I know you
have a busy schedule, and obviously you feel you need to focus on that.
However, I’m not okay with being put in limbo and on hold, especially
when there have been such mixed messages as to the nature of things
throughout.
I do wish you the best of luck in all your endeavors, though I have no
doubt you’ll be successful at whatever you put yourself to.
That’s really all I had to say. I don’t think it would be good for us
to remain in contact right now.
Be well.
-Jeremy

Written by admin

January 21st, 2004 at 11:56 pm

Posted in Carlin Drama

Confrontation: The Big One

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Ah yes, the letter. Haven’t yet written the letter. Thoughts are
scattered about inclusions. here are some points i need to make
– hasn’t felt like a relationship in awhile
– need to move on
– understand that you dont have time for me, but i can’t wait around,
it’s not fair to me
– according to everyone else we weren’t together anyway, never really
felt it from you

Written by admin

January 14th, 2004 at 9:41 am

Posted in Carlin Drama

Confrontation, part the second.

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Was talking to Rebecca about my situations, as usual. she’s got a wise
mind and a good ear… poisonivy270: it can’t be that bad
SoftLord: no its not, but its like.. a lot of medium sized things that
add up
poisonivy270: yeah
poisonivy270: i’ve been there
poisonivy270: sorry babe
SoftLord: alex is all like.. ‘my heart hurts’ and like…expecting me
to be there for her and stuff, and since talking to my therapist i’ve
been trying to figure out places in which i’m being taken advantage of
and trying to figure out how to deal with them… so i basically called
her
on flaking on plans twice in the last week and a half…and we have
plans friday which now she’s not sure if she can do… and its not fair
to me
poisonivy270: not at all
poisonivy270: not right now
poisonivy270: but you need to call her on it
poisonivy270: talk bout it
SoftLord: i did and she got all huffy, of course
poisonivy270: ugh
poisonivy270: yuck
poisonivy270: what a bad situation
SoftLord: yea
poisonivy270: she clearly feels like it’s not flaking
poisonivy270: bleah
SoftLord: well its alex’s world, we’re just livin in it
poisonivy270: ugh
SoftLord: i just felt like it needed to be made clear that its
irresponsible and unfair to flake on plans twice in one week…
poisonivy270: yes
poisonivy270: you have to express how you’re feeling
SoftLord: and yet, theres the reaction… doesn’t make me want to
continue working toward learning to confront unfair situations
poisonivy270: true too
SoftLord: it really amazes me how much i lack even rudimentary skill at
that aspect of life…i hadn’t even noticed it mostly… just gotten so
used to being underappreciated and mistreated, took it for granted
poisonivy270: eventually you have to take care of yourself
poisonivy270: without disrespecting others
poisonivy270: it’s hard
poisonivy270: especially when they get mad and make you feel guilty
SoftLord: do you think i crossed a line?
poisonivy270: i can’t judge
poisonivy270: i don’t know the whole thang
SoftLord: true enough
SoftLord: i dont feel guilty i feel like my efforts were ineffectual
poisonivy270: but it seems as though she doesn’t feel like she’s
disrespecting you….just wants to be alone
SoftLord: well then she shouldn’t make plans with me should she
===

Written by admin

January 14th, 2004 at 12:02 am

Posted in Alex

Confrontation, part the first.

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Not exactly giving me a ton of hope for natural talent.
i gave it a shot tonight and…
===
Diddlms: my heart hurts
SoftLord: okay
Diddlms: okay?
SoftLord: well what would you like me to say
Diddlms: nothing
SoftLord: something i can do to help?
Diddlms: guess not
SoftLord: er…okay
Diddlms: feel like shit
SoftLord: i didn’t get home til 10
Diddlms: ah
Diddlms: suxs big ballz
SoftLord: i wasn’t nearly done
Diddlms: sucks alt
SoftLord: *shrug* i’ll deal
SoftLord: its the only time i can get any work done
SoftLord: and the week’s almost half over…wooo
Diddlms: yeah what ever i feel like so roller coaster
Diddlms: i dont even know what i wanna do this weekend anymore
Diddlms: i hate it
SoftLord: well, we have plans friday.
Diddlms: if i still feelin it i dont intend on goin out upset
SoftLord: i will be very upset if you cancel on me twice in one week
after making plans.
Diddlms: yeah well if you cant understand how im feeling lately then
what the fuck. i dont wanna dis but i just dont feel like being
anywhere but my room lately
Diddlms: clearly im not been good actually less than good lately
Diddlms: tonight i was less than that im sorry if you dont understand i
feel very alone in my head im trying to deal SoftLord: i can understand
how you’re feeling. it’s just unfair to me. i want to spend time with
you and i think we cheer each other up hwen we’re together, but flaking
on plans we’ve made is irrespinsible and disrespectful to me
SoftLord: and that doesn’t mean i dont understand how you feel
SoftLord: or appreciate it
Diddlms: im not trying to be fucked up but im depressd ive admitted it
i feel like shit worse than that and i dunno if being with friends has
even helped SoftLord: so would you like to cancel our plans, then?
Diddlms: like i said i dunno yet. i feel like i dunno what i feel
anymore. so if you can handle we can make it solid friday im not saying
their canecelled im saying i cant deal with anything lately is all
Diddlms: i need to go to bed today has just been too much for me i need
to end it here. we shall chat at work tomorrow
Diddlms signed off at 11:18:40 P. ====
followed up with this email:
i understand how you’ve been feeling and i am here for you, but you
have to understand how it makes me feel to consistantly have plans
cancelled. I’ve been there for you through your hard times, and it’s no
chore for me, but when what I get in return is constant flaking of
plans, it means I’m being mistreated, whether intentional or not. And I
need to not be mistreated.
I know you’re going through a rough time, and if that means that you
can’t or don‚€™t want to spend time with me that’s one thing, but when
we make solid plans then I expect them to happen, barring an emergency
Love you always
-j

===
doesnt seem like it was very effective… baby steps.

Written by admin

January 13th, 2004 at 11:59 pm

Posted in Alex

personal.doc

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What would be the circumstances that would have to occur in order to have the current aspects of my life revise themselves to their ideal state?

Work:
– no more IT (or severely limited)
– time to redesign intranet for more user-based additions and modifications (asset DB / etc)
– pay increase as measure of respect

Home
Рdynamic change…not sure about the details of this…do I have to leave?

Relationship
– would have to be much more of a priority to the girl
Рwould she have to leave pseudo? Not sure… not just for my happiness… a lot of the issues stem from that situation and her choice to return
– things would have to be less complicated
– am I asking for too much? Or too much from this person?
РStill falling into old patterns … can’t change people… can however be a positive influence on their lives… I guess I am that, at least
РWhat to do? Stay or move on…is it worth it… can changes be made… am I giving up where I shouldn’t?
РThought of failure threatening…what must i do or be to make a relationship succeed for any length of time? Whose responsibility is it…
– Obsessing.
– Why is this list so much longer than the others

Written by admin

January 7th, 2004 at 10:18 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

personal.doc

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What would be the circumstances that would have to occur in order to have the current aspects of my life revise themselves to their ideal state?

 

Work:

         no more IT (or severely limited)

         time to redesign intranet for more user-based additions and modifications (asset DB / etc)

         pay increase as measure of respect

 

 

Home

            Рdynamic change…not sure about the details of this…do I have to leave?

 

 

Relationship

         would have to be much more of  a priority to the girl

         would she have to leave pseudo?  Not sure…  not just for my happiness… a lot of the issues stem from that situation and her choice to return

         things would have to be less complicated

         am I asking for too much?  Or too much from this person?

         Still falling into old patterns … can’t change people… can however be a positive influence on their lives… I guess I am that, at least

         What to do? Stay or move on…is it worth it… can changes be made… am I giving up where I shouldn’t?

         Thought of failure threatening…what must i do or be to make a relationship succeed for any length of time? Whose responsibility is it…

         Obsessing.

         Why is this list so much longer than the others

Written by admin

January 7th, 2004 at 9:18 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

I’m done.

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So I’m thinkin about breakin it off with Carlin. After a voicemail and
and email and an IM conversation/threat with Ed, it has officially
become too much work and drama for the time we get to spend together.
And I used to just be able to say ‘hey it’ll get better just be
patient’ but this is just getting ridiculous… When we ARE together we
dont get to be anything resembling what I (or what i think most people)
need in a relationship. I feel bad cause she is still quite a package
and at least part of this is not her doing, but I guess enough is
enough. Maybe someday I’ll let myself be angry about it but for now…
I dont really feel anything…maybe because I haven’t actually told her
its over it doesn’t seem real, but… I haven’t heard from her since
12/30, and I’m not going to be making an attempt to contact her anytime
soon.
Oh well.

Written by admin

January 4th, 2004 at 2:55 am

Posted in Carlin Drama