sdcjournal

Private Journal – Keep Out.

Archive for February, 2004

Aphorism Thoughts, Volume 1

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1. “Always leave enough time in your life to do something that makes
you happy, satisfied, even joyous. That has more of an effect on
economic well-being than any other single factor.” – Paul Hawken
What do I have like that? If i did have something like that would i be
able to feel it enough to know that i did?

Written by admin

February 29th, 2004 at 3:24 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

Catching Up

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So much to catch up on.
Interviewed and accepted job offer at Sony Music, working for Tom &
Cory. looking forward to something new.
As for the rest of it. So much is going on with the therapy, i feel
like i’m ‘in process’…trying not to feel so empty anymore… not
quite sure how i’m going to go about it, giving myself credit for being
me… still hear the voices warning me about letting myself be happy,
or feeling good about myself… not quite sure what specifically
they’re saying, just underlying blocks to get through…guess it would
be helpful to identify what it is that they’re sayin…
Not really going out much anymore… dont want to fall back on old
patterns just because they’re there and there are people expecting me
to be a certain way. I know that just because thats true that doesn’t
mean i have to give them what they want, but it’s just easier this way.
I do miss dancing though.

Written by admin

February 28th, 2004 at 7:33 pm

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Some pretty swell poetry

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Treat me however you want
I’m here for your amusement
for your benefit
for your education
for your everything
don’t think about me
i wouldn’t want to seem selfish
it isn’t really about me anyway
i provide
it makes me feel like something
maybe
but then again
i do for myself
why, just look at all this stuff
all this
stuff
it can’t really be both
can it?
i take too
not purely a giver
i take but it doesn’t count
because i don’t count
or is that a copout
i can’t even let myself disregard myself
arguing in my head
‘deserve’
the core
deserve.
everything swirls around the word
a visual neurosis vortex
around and around
feeding on each other
taking bites
do i even deserve to be writing about deserving to write?
I should be a capital
de-serve.
de-serve it.
de-serve it all.

Written by admin

February 3rd, 2004 at 1:51 am

Posted in Poetry

Perspectives

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Almost cried while going home… I feel coreless… like i’m built on
nothing… only its more removed than that… i feel like i’ve
convinced myself that i’m built on nothing for so long that its become
closer to true than is really okay…. usually i can push these
feelings to the side so they integrate, but talking about them rattles
things up… always fun to have multiple levels of feelings going on…
nature of reality and all that…if you believe something to be true,
that makes it true… and questioning the nature of the truth shakes
things up… to the core…
but as i said… i dont feel like i have one of those.
on the upside, it does lead to some pretty swell poetry.
====
RadioTrixie: hey sweetie
SoftLord: whatsup kitten
RadioTrixie: not much RadioTrixie: how are you?
SoftLord: crappy, but i’ll manage
RadioTrixie: awww sweets. whats goin on?
SoftLord: nothin….just…therapy…bringin up some old
stuff…recognizing patterns…
RadioTrixie: :-\
SoftLord: how my self-worth is basically nil
RadioTrixie: well i love you
SoftLord: thanks that means a lot
SoftLord: its weird…its not like…my self-esteem..i know i have a
lot going for me and such
SoftLord: its just like… i feel like how people treat me doesn’t
really matter, cause i dont really matter
SoftLord: even tho i know intellectually that thats an unhealthy
viewpoint
SoftLord: its just very ingrained into how i deal with things
SoftLord: why i can’t confront people
RadioTrixie: you have to go by the diana rule: everyone sucks until
they prove themselves worthy. SoftLord: why i dont really connect with
people
SoftLord: yes but even the people who make the worthy list take
advantage of me RadioTrixie: :-\
SoftLord: because as i said..idont matter
RadioTrixie: you feel like you dont matter. regardless of what you
think, you DO matter.
SoftLord: yes i know, but thats the same thing isn’t it
SoftLord: we are what we feel…we are our perspectives on ourselves
RadioTrixie: gotta go with life as it unrolls jeremy

Written by admin

February 3rd, 2004 at 1:50 am

Posted in Uncategorized