Private Journal – Keep Out.

Archive for March, 2004


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Diddlms: hi

SoftLord: heya

Diddlms: wanna die

Diddlms: heart break

SoftLord: you’ll geto ver it

Diddlms: doesnt feel like it

SoftLord: you’re not breaking up with her

Diddlms: i know

Diddlms: but it hurts

SoftLord: you’ll see her again… maybe its good to
give yourself some distance so you dont lose
yourself in her

Diddlms: i already have

Diddlms: and she loves me too

SoftLord: ?

Diddlms: i mean

Diddlms: my feelings

Diddlms: im so in love with her

SoftLord: yeah…maybe you need some distance,
so you can be comfortable being apart

Diddlms: yeah i know

SoftLord: theres love and then theres obsession
you know

Diddlms: but ive had that for so long jus sucks haveing
her back behind the computer screen

SoftLord: i know, but as i said… you want to be
able to be apart…otherwise you have a
codependent relationship and those never work out

Diddlms: yeah i know

Diddlms: your really right bout that one

SoftLord: of course i am 😛

SoftLord: i speak frome experience

Diddlms: your jeremy your always right

SoftLord: there was a point where i’d do anything to keep from being apart from a girlfriend… and that doesn’t lead to anything good

Diddlms: 😀

SoftLord: not always… i just tend to be pretty spot on about human nature

SoftLord: and you’re predictable

SoftLord: not in a bad way

Diddlms: how so?

SoftLord: there are certain ways you behave and certain thingis you want and things you do to try to attain them

Diddlms: who me?

Diddlms: so how is that

Diddlms: im curious

SoftLord: only if you wont get defensive, since i’m not attacking you

Diddlms: babe its ok

SoftLord: you always want attention however you can get it… whether its healthy for you or not… to make up for being abandoned by your dad
(this being my theory)… especially from men… which is why you’re such a tease… you need to have the power over men… you need people to
think you’re special, but you dont think you’re special enough on your own (which you are) so you use your sex appeal and flirting to have people
want to hang around you… i think on some leve you know that thats not really genuine affection, which you could have…but you enjoy the
attention and power still… i think you know that until you take a look at some of the things causing this you’re not gonna be able to have a real
connection with people, so when you find someone you do like you become very desperate to use any of your existing tools to keep them around…
i dont think you’ve really had the rolemodels for a healthy interaction to base your behaviors on (neither have I)…

SoftLord: so you get obsessive and codependent (i do too sometimes) because you really want to be loved for something other than what you put
out there, but you dont really feel like you know how to put something elsee out there, or that anyone deserves to know ‘the real you’ … because
they might not like what they see, and you know they’ll ‘love’ you if you flirt and give them attention like that

Diddlms: ding ding ding

SoftLord: so you become kinda an energy-parasite, needing false attention so much

Diddlms: true

Diddlms: true ture

Diddlms: but

Diddlms: i do like attention

Diddlms: and thats because it feels good to be important

Diddlms: but

SoftLord: yeah but its not like ‘real’ importance…dont know if i’m being clear

Diddlms: i really like this girl… and honestly im willing to be real with her…even if it means she may hurt me

SoftLord: having someone pay attention to you because you spend 10 minutes on how much you love sucking cock isn’t ‘real’ attention

Diddlms: but its worth it

SoftLord: yes but you were saying similar things with Dan

Diddlms: dan is an idiot

SoftLord: and i dont know, do you think you have the ‘tools’ to be real with her?…the behavior patterns… thats not a slight against you, just in my
experience it looks like its very difficult for you and probably very frustrating

Diddlms: well…so far… its been really nice

Diddlms: shes really made me see things i didnt know aobut myself

SoftLord: but you see how you’ve become obsessive

SoftLord: i’m glad she has

Diddlms: that i dont wanna leave her

Diddlms: it that bad<<?

SoftLord: but its like… i do the same thing… go from 0 to 160…

Diddlms: i mean i know

SoftLord: no turning back… its like… desperation, you know?

Diddlms: space is good

Diddlms: yeah

Diddlms: i know space is good

SoftLord: cause you so want it to work… but you dont really know how

Diddlms: but i jus gonna miss her

SoftLord: its like someone who can’t swim jumping off the deep end…you want to do a double pike with a twist and you think you should but you
end up bellyflopping and then flailing around

SoftLord: with the best intentions

Diddlms: so what do u suggest?

SoftLord: well…i think the space is a good thing… but overall i think for your sake its time you start addressing some of these underlying issues
with an impartial third party

Diddlms: cant afford that not at the moment atleast

SoftLord: its something to think about working toward, though… a job with medical benefits

Diddlms: yeah well i dont wanna do it here

Diddlms: i wanna move out here

SoftLord: tis the birthplace of therapy

Diddlms: hehe

Diddlms: your really something

SoftLord: its just… its time, ya know?

Diddlms: but i thought it was vienna

SoftLord: how so

Diddlms: freud

SoftLord: no i meant how so to "your really

SoftLord: you’re right…vienna

Diddlms: you just matured so much

SoftLord: ahh…

SoftLord: i still have a bit to go

Diddlms: i was talking bout u in the bath with dani sat

SoftLord: thats random

Diddlms: how special u are

SoftLord: did you mention how cute i am? 😉

Diddlms: hehehe

Diddlms: we we were discussing people

Diddlms: and personality brought u to mind

SoftLord: i c

Diddlms: not shallow shit

Diddlms: ya know

SoftLord: i realize

SoftLord: i was teasin

Diddlms: hehe yeah

SoftLord: i’m just … so used to the "well he’s a
really great guy" that implies "shame he’s fat and
ugly"…at least in my brain

Diddlms: no

SoftLord: not sayin that thats how you meant it

SoftLord: whatever…thats my stuff

Diddlms: well ur not

SoftLord: k 🙂

SoftLord: hey i believe it more now than i did in the

Diddlms: well good cause its true

SoftLord: but as i said, thats my stuff

SoftLord: so ther you go…nothing you havent
heard before, prolly from me…or don’t know…

SoftLord: but i love ya anyway

Diddlms: me too

Diddlms: love me too

Diddlms: 😛

Diddlms: na

Diddlms: love u too

SoftLord: no comment on that one.

SoftLord: oh so here’s some happy news

SoftLord: haras and barney are getting hitched

Diddlms: no way

Diddlms: thats fantastic

SoftLord: yeah

SoftLord: good for them

Diddlms: yeah thats really nice

SoftLord: well done

SoftLord: a year ago you woulda made some crack
about how even ugly people can find love

Diddlms: yeah i know but i thats really mean and they
love each other and that sucks to be nasty like that

SoftLord: right

SoftLord: thats why i said well done

Diddlms: well honey i have to get some sleep early flight

SoftLord: oh yay you’re home tomorrow

Diddlms: i know…yay i miss u

SoftLord: do you want to plan something for

Diddlms: yes def

Diddlms: like what sleep over sort of stuff?

SoftLord: sure

Diddlms: he he cool

SoftLord: as long as i dont have to go clubbing

Diddlms: that would be great

Diddlms: well no more pyramid so i dont see how we

SoftLord: haven’t been clubbin in months, dont miss
it, not planning to go anytime soon.

Diddlms: i miss pyramid only go to down time cause im

Diddlms: i dont forsee any major plans but how bout bout we leave thursday pending on account my
family might get annoyed athat i been home like two days
and i didnt settle in and take care of shit

Diddlms: so sound ok

Diddlms: so i dont fuck u over

Diddlms: cause i dont want thatt

SoftLord: would you rather make it a definite on

SoftLord: i just don’t want you to tell me on
thursday at 5:45 that you’re not gonna be able to
make it

Diddlms: i know i dont want that either

Diddlms: how bout we discuss tomorrow then

Diddlms: ?

SoftLord: theres a dream theater show on
saturday…if i’dve known you were comin back i
would have gotten you a ticket…i only have one

Diddlms: aw well u goin alone?

SoftLord: yea

Diddlms: sound fun

SoftLord: i know you hate live music 😛

SoftLord: they’re gonna be on for 3 hours

Diddlms: ok kiddo i need some rest chat with u

SoftLord: no opening act

SoftLord: i cant’ wait

Diddlms: love u

SoftLord: u2…go sleep

Diddlms: ill try

SoftLord: or whatever it is you do

Diddlms: night honey

Written by admin

March 29th, 2004 at 8:48 am

Posted in Old Chat Logs

Am i…

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Am I still staying late after school to avoid trauma at home?


Written by admin

March 23rd, 2004 at 7:43 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

Not Ready

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“I dont feel like he deserves to get my communication” … after the misery that was those years of my life…

– should i feel bad about it?
– what would change my mind…what would it take for me to forgive him…should i even be thinking about it like that
– is this part of the reason why i let myself be walked on by girlfriends (they can do it but you can’t)
– why wont i let myself say it

‘divorced from my feelings’…..embrace the stereotype (hate it hate it…dont want to be such a cliche)

every time i think i’m okay, theres something else.

i’m so lonely.

Written by admin

March 23rd, 2004 at 1:52 am

Posted in Family

I got an IM from

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I got an IM from Carlin tonight…apparently she was going through some
photos and such and feeling nostalgic. Wasn’t quite sure that I wanted
to respond, but in the end I decided to. Had an interesting
conversation, where basically she said that she’d missed me and that
i’d had an influence in her life, being able to stop and think about
whats really important (friends, music, etc)… Was weird talking to
her, but I pretty much laid it out, since I’m feeling honest. Told her
that there are many things i like about her, but i didn’t think how she
treated me while we were together was very nice and that it didn’t make
me feel like she wanted me there or that i was important. She seemed to
understand where i was coming from and didn’t begrudge me. Basically,
it seemed like she missed me and wanted to reach out. I guess we’ve
both changed a bit. I don’t think I would’ve gotten that level of
forthcomingness and honesty from her 6 months ago, and on the other
hand I dont think I would have been able to verbalize how she’d made me
feel either.
SoftLord: you were saying
chrrybmbnyc: that you’ve had an influence on me
SoftLord: right…and i was asking in what way
chrrybmbnyc: positively. seeing things that I don’t normally take the
time out to see. SoftLord: interesting…like?
chrrybmbnyc: like taking time for me. appreciating music and friends
SoftLord: good!
chrrybmbnyc: thank you
SoftLord: i’m happy to have been the motivation for you realizing whats
really important in this life
it sounds like reassessing life a bit… I’m glad that I was able to be
a good influence on someone that I held in such high regard. Past tense
is still up in the air. I did enjoy chatting with her, I’d missed it.
I think I’m strong enough right now to be able to recognize if I begin
to fall into old patterns, and I think she realizes she respects me
enough not to put me through that again.
It’s nice to have another person to talk to.
This should be interesting, at least.

Written by admin

March 7th, 2004 at 3:08 am

Posted in Carlin Drama

Perspective = Everything

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Still can’t just relax and enjoy vacation…in work mode… happens.
Interesting converstaion of the day so far:
SoftLord: razz

Diddlms: heeey

Diddlms: u jus wake up?

SoftLord: ja

SoftLord: i think i’m getting sick 🙁

Diddlms: oh hon

SoftLord: my throat hurts

Diddlms: sorry… drink tea

Diddlms: dude

SoftLord: ?

Diddlms: i jus spent 3 hours talking with her grandmother

Diddlms: the woman speaks no english

Diddlms: by friday i should be able to teach a course

Diddlms: needless to say my head hurts

SoftLord: well thats good

Diddlms: so when do u start this new job?

SoftLord: monday

Diddlms: great a nice vacation b4 u start

SoftLord: yup

SoftLord: which is good since at the moment i can’t talk

Diddlms: cant talk? why?

SoftLord: my throat hurts

Diddlms: ahh hurts that much hm?

SoftLord: well i sound like i have the worst hangover ever

Diddlms: ic ic… so what u up to these days? go anywhere see anyone?

SoftLord: no not really…haven’t been feelin like goin out lately… we had this conversation

SoftLord: dont want to have to be someone i’m trying not to be so much anymore

Diddlms: yeah i know. frankly im tired of it to. but its rough cause everone we know is always enjoying drama… so what to do then

..forget everyone and sit at home alone?

SoftLord: also everyone we know is expecting me to always be there for them regardless of any of my own plans wants or needs … the

expectation is ‘oh we’ll just get jeremy to do it’ or whatever.. and i’m not cool with that anymore…i can’t be

Diddlms: of course not. its not right.

Diddlms: i
myself am guilty of not being so nice to you by blowing plans off …
so i am sorry. ive had alot of time to think while i was here… and i
think leaving tvt and comming here was good for me to really gain
perspective on the ones who matter most… you bieng one of them

SoftLord: thanks, i appreciate that, i really do

Diddlms: yes
well …its the truth. my life was so bombarded with bullshit that i
didnt see who mattered most. i tried to distribute my time to everyone
instead i missed on the most valuable

Diddlms: i was running around too much…never settled… never relaxed

Diddlms: i know why i did this-… its because im afraid if i actually sit and stop and think… i will be very sad

SoftLord: I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. -Bill Cosby

Diddlms: smart guy. .. brb i need to run out and get smokes … two minutes…

SoftLord: yes… but you might also gain some perspective on certain aspects of your life, enough to be able to change them if you like.

SoftLord: and that on the other hand is something that i will try to always have time for you for

SoftLord: blah

Diddlms: ok signing off dani needs the computer love u chat with u soon

SoftLord: you did it again razz

Diddlms: love u kid

SoftLord: i’m just saying that you did

Diddlms signed off at 11:04:45 A.

Written by admin

March 1st, 2004 at 11:59 am

Posted in Alex