Archive for March, 2004
alex.htm
SoftLord: heya
Diddlms: wanna die
Diddlms: heart break
SoftLord: you’ll geto ver it
Diddlms: doesnt feel like it
SoftLord: you’re not breaking up with her
Diddlms: i know
Diddlms: but it hurts
SoftLord: you’ll see her again… maybe its good to
give yourself some distance so you dont lose
yourself in her
Diddlms: i already have
Diddlms: and she loves me too
SoftLord: ?
Diddlms: i mean
Diddlms: my feelings
Diddlms: im so in love with her
SoftLord: yeah…maybe you need some distance,
so you can be comfortable being apart
Diddlms: yeah i know
SoftLord: theres love and then theres obsession
you know
Diddlms: but ive had that for so long jus sucks haveing
her back behind the computer screen
SoftLord: i know, but as i said… you want to be
able to be apart…otherwise you have a
codependent relationship and those never work out
well
Diddlms: yeah i know
Diddlms: your really right bout that one
SoftLord: of course i am 😛
SoftLord: i speak frome experience
Diddlms: your jeremy your always right
SoftLord: there was a point where i’d do anything to keep from being apart from a girlfriend… and that doesn’t lead to anything good
Diddlms: 😀
SoftLord: not always… i just tend to be pretty spot on about human nature
SoftLord: and you’re predictable
SoftLord: not in a bad way
Diddlms: how so?
SoftLord: there are certain ways you behave and certain thingis you want and things you do to try to attain them
Diddlms: who me?
Diddlms: so how is that
Diddlms: im curious
SoftLord: only if you wont get defensive, since i’m not attacking you
Diddlms: babe its ok
SoftLord: you always want attention however you can get it… whether its healthy for you or not… to make up for being abandoned by your dad
(this being my theory)… especially from men… which is why you’re such a tease… you need to have the power over men… you need people to
think you’re special, but you dont think you’re special enough on your own (which you are) so you use your sex appeal and flirting to have people
want to hang around you… i think on some leve you know that thats not really genuine affection, which you could have…but you enjoy the
attention and power still… i think you know that until you take a look at some of the things causing this you’re not gonna be able to have a real
connection with people, so when you find someone you do like you become very desperate to use any of your existing tools to keep them around…
i dont think you’ve really had the rolemodels for a healthy interaction to base your behaviors on (neither have I)…
SoftLord: so you get obsessive and codependent (i do too sometimes) because you really want to be loved for something other than what you put
out there, but you dont really feel like you know how to put something elsee out there, or that anyone deserves to know ‘the real you’ … because
they might not like what they see, and you know they’ll ‘love’ you if you flirt and give them attention like that
Diddlms: ding ding ding
SoftLord: so you become kinda an energy-parasite, needing false attention so much
Diddlms: true
Diddlms: true ture
Diddlms: but
Diddlms: i do like attention
Diddlms: and thats because it feels good to be important
Diddlms: but
SoftLord: yeah but its not like ‘real’ importance…dont know if i’m being clear
Diddlms: i really like this girl… and honestly im willing to be real with her…even if it means she may hurt me
SoftLord: having someone pay attention to you because you spend 10 minutes on how much you love sucking cock isn’t ‘real’ attention
Diddlms: but its worth it
SoftLord: yes but you were saying similar things with Dan
Diddlms: dan is an idiot
SoftLord: and i dont know, do you think you have the ‘tools’ to be real with her?…the behavior patterns… thats not a slight against you, just in my
experience it looks like its very difficult for you and probably very frustrating
Diddlms: well…so far… its been really nice
Diddlms: shes really made me see things i didnt know aobut myself
SoftLord: but you see how you’ve become obsessive
SoftLord: i’m glad she has
Diddlms: that i dont wanna leave her
Diddlms: it that bad<<?
SoftLord: but its like… i do the same thing… go from 0 to 160…
Diddlms: i mean i know
SoftLord: no turning back… its like… desperation, you know?
Diddlms: space is good
Diddlms: yeah
Diddlms: i know space is good
SoftLord: cause you so want it to work… but you dont really know how
Diddlms: but i jus gonna miss her
SoftLord: its like someone who can’t swim jumping off the deep end…you want to do a double pike with a twist and you think you should but you
end up bellyflopping and then flailing around
SoftLord: with the best intentions
Diddlms: so what do u suggest?
SoftLord: well…i think the space is a good thing… but overall i think for your sake its time you start addressing some of these underlying issues
with an impartial third party
Diddlms: cant afford that not at the moment atleast
SoftLord: its something to think about working toward, though… a job with medical benefits
Diddlms: yeah well i dont wanna do it here
Diddlms: i wanna move out here
SoftLord: tis the birthplace of therapy
Diddlms: hehe
Diddlms: your really something
SoftLord: its just… its time, ya know?
Diddlms: but i thought it was vienna
SoftLord: how so
Diddlms: freud
SoftLord: no i meant how so to "your really
something"
SoftLord: you’re right…vienna
Diddlms: you just matured so much
SoftLord: ahh…
SoftLord: i still have a bit to go
Diddlms: i was talking bout u in the bath with dani sat
night
SoftLord: thats random
Diddlms: how special u are
SoftLord: did you mention how cute i am? 😉
Diddlms: hehehe
Diddlms: we we were discussing people
Diddlms: and personality brought u to mind
SoftLord: i c
Diddlms: not shallow shit
Diddlms: ya know
SoftLord: i realize
SoftLord: i was teasin
Diddlms: hehe yeah
SoftLord: i’m just … so used to the "well he’s a
really great guy" that implies "shame he’s fat and
ugly"…at least in my brain
Diddlms: no
SoftLord: not sayin that thats how you meant it
SoftLord: whatever…thats my stuff
Diddlms: well ur not
SoftLord: k 🙂
SoftLord: hey i believe it more now than i did in the
past
Diddlms: well good cause its true
SoftLord: but as i said, thats my stuff
SoftLord: so ther you go…nothing you havent
heard before, prolly from me…or don’t know… 🙂
SoftLord: but i love ya anyway
Diddlms: me too
Diddlms: love me too
Diddlms: 😛
Diddlms: na
Diddlms: love u too
SoftLord: no comment on that one.
SoftLord: oh so here’s some happy news
SoftLord: haras and barney are getting hitched
Diddlms: no way
Diddlms: thats fantastic
SoftLord: yeah
SoftLord: good for them
Diddlms: yeah thats really nice
SoftLord: well done
SoftLord: a year ago you woulda made some crack
about how even ugly people can find love
Diddlms: yeah i know but i thats really mean and they
love each other and that sucks to be nasty like that
SoftLord: right
SoftLord: thats why i said well done
Diddlms: well honey i have to get some sleep early flight
SoftLord: oh yay you’re home tomorrow
Diddlms: i know…yay i miss u
SoftLord: do you want to plan something for
thursday?
Diddlms: yes def
Diddlms: like what sleep over sort of stuff?
SoftLord: sure
Diddlms: he he cool
SoftLord: as long as i dont have to go clubbing
Diddlms: that would be great
Diddlms: well no more pyramid so i dont see how we
could
SoftLord: haven’t been clubbin in months, dont miss
it, not planning to go anytime soon.
Diddlms: i miss pyramid only go to down time cause im
bored
Diddlms: i dont forsee any major plans but how bout
this..how bout we leave thursday pending on account my
family might get annoyed athat i been home like two days
and i didnt settle in and take care of shit
Diddlms: so sound ok
Diddlms: so i dont fuck u over
Diddlms: cause i dont want thatt
SoftLord: would you rather make it a definite on
friday?
SoftLord: i just don’t want you to tell me on
thursday at 5:45 that you’re not gonna be able to
make it
Diddlms: i know i dont want that either
Diddlms: how bout we discuss tomorrow then
Diddlms: ?
SoftLord: theres a dream theater show on
saturday…if i’dve known you were comin back i
would have gotten you a ticket…i only have one
🙁
Diddlms: aw well u goin alone?
SoftLord: yea
Diddlms: sound fun
SoftLord: i know you hate live music 😛
SoftLord: they’re gonna be on for 3 hours
Diddlms: ok kiddo i need some rest chat with u
tomorrow?
SoftLord: no opening act
SoftLord: i cant’ wait
Diddlms: love u
SoftLord: u2…go sleep
Diddlms: ill try
SoftLord: or whatever it is you do
Diddlms: night honey
Not Ready
“I dont feel like he deserves to get my communication” … after the misery that was those years of my life…
– should i feel bad about it?
– what would change my mind…what would it take for me to forgive him…should i even be thinking about it like that
– is this part of the reason why i let myself be walked on by girlfriends (they can do it but you can’t)
– why wont i let myself say it
–
‘divorced from my feelings’…..embrace the stereotype (hate it hate it…dont want to be such a cliche)
every time i think i’m okay, theres something else.
i’m so lonely.
I got an IM from
I got an IM from Carlin tonight…apparently she was going through some
photos and such and feeling nostalgic. Wasn’t quite sure that I wanted
to respond, but in the end I decided to. Had an interesting
conversation, where basically she said that she’d missed me and that
i’d had an influence in her life, being able to stop and think about
whats really important (friends, music, etc)… Was weird talking to
her, but I pretty much laid it out, since I’m feeling honest. Told her
that there are many things i like about her, but i didn’t think how she
treated me while we were together was very nice and that it didn’t make
me feel like she wanted me there or that i was important. She seemed to
understand where i was coming from and didn’t begrudge me. Basically,
it seemed like she missed me and wanted to reach out. I guess we’ve
both changed a bit. I don’t think I would’ve gotten that level of
forthcomingness and honesty from her 6 months ago, and on the other
hand I dont think I would have been able to verbalize how she’d made me
feel either.
SoftLord: you were saying
chrrybmbnyc: that you’ve had an influence on me
SoftLord: right…and i was asking in what way
chrrybmbnyc: positively. seeing things that I don’t normally take the
time out to see. SoftLord: interesting…like?
chrrybmbnyc: like taking time for me. appreciating music and friends
SoftLord: good!
chrrybmbnyc: thank you
SoftLord: i’m happy to have been the motivation for you realizing whats
really important in this life
it sounds like reassessing life a bit… I’m glad that I was able to be
a good influence on someone that I held in such high regard. Past tense
is still up in the air. I did enjoy chatting with her, I’d missed it.
I think I’m strong enough right now to be able to recognize if I begin
to fall into old patterns, and I think she realizes she respects me
enough not to put me through that again.
It’s nice to have another person to talk to.
This should be interesting, at least.
Perspective = Everything
Still can’t just relax and enjoy vacation…in work mode… happens.
Interesting converstaion of the day so far:
SoftLord:
Diddlms: heeey
Diddlms: u jus wake up?
SoftLord: ja
SoftLord: i think i’m getting sick 🙁
Diddlms: oh hon
SoftLord: my throat hurts
Diddlms: sorry… drink tea
Diddlms: dude
SoftLord: ?
Diddlms: i jus spent 3 hours talking with her grandmother
Diddlms: the woman speaks no english
Diddlms: by friday i should be able to teach a course
Diddlms: needless to say my head hurts
SoftLord: well thats good
Diddlms: so when do u start this new job?
SoftLord: monday
Diddlms: great a nice vacation b4 u start
SoftLord: yup
SoftLord: which is good since at the moment i can’t talk
Diddlms: cant talk? why?
SoftLord: my throat hurts
Diddlms: ahh hurts that much hm?
SoftLord: well i sound like i have the worst hangover ever
Diddlms: ic ic… so what u up to these days? go anywhere see anyone?
SoftLord: no not really…haven’t been feelin like goin out lately… we had this conversation
SoftLord: dont want to have to be someone i’m trying not to be so much anymore
Diddlms: yeah i know. frankly im tired of it to. but its rough cause everone we know is always enjoying drama… so what to do then
..forget everyone and sit at home alone?
SoftLord: also everyone we know is expecting me to always be there for them regardless of any of my own plans wants or needs … the
expectation is ‘oh we’ll just get jeremy to do it’ or whatever.. and i’m not cool with that anymore…i can’t be
Diddlms: of course not. its not right.
Diddlms: i
myself am guilty of not being so nice to you by blowing plans off …
so i am sorry. ive had alot of time to think while i was here… and i
think leaving tvt and comming here was good for me to really gain
perspective on the ones who matter most… you bieng one of them
SoftLord: thanks, i appreciate that, i really do
Diddlms: yes
well …its the truth. my life was so bombarded with bullshit that i
didnt see who mattered most. i tried to distribute my time to everyone
instead i missed on the most valuable
Diddlms: i was running around too much…never settled… never relaxed
Diddlms: i know why i did this-… its because im afraid if i actually sit and stop and think… i will be very sad
SoftLord: I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. -Bill Cosby
Diddlms: smart guy. .. brb i need to run out and get smokes … two minutes…
SoftLord: yes… but you might also gain some perspective on certain aspects of your life, enough to be able to change them if you like.
SoftLord: and that on the other hand is something that i will try to always have time for you for
SoftLord: blah
Diddlms: ok sorry..im signing off dani needs the computer love u chat with u soon
SoftLord: you did it again
Diddlms: love u kid
SoftLord: i’m just saying that you did
Diddlms signed off at 11:04:45 A.