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Private Journal – Keep Out.

Archive for April, 2004

Verbatim

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“Umm…yesterday, I didn’t want food from that chinese place, and by the time I decided that, I wasn’t hungry anymore”
“Jeremy, just talk to me…thats fine..owoulda been someplace else”
“Yeah…theres other stuff I want to talk to you about too, but I can’t yet”
“Personal stuff? Friend stuff?”
“No, I…just can’t yet”
“Well when you can, i’d love to hear it”

Step one.

Written by admin

April 5th, 2004 at 7:47 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

No Winning

one comment

I’m stuck again.

Dad called me on the whole lack of communication thing and asked whether i was mad at him, and i didn’t really have a response…so he started in on the guilt, saying that it was “unfair”… and I wanted to shout back “no its unfair to make me feel like a 13 year old dissapointment whos friends are too scared of you to come over for 12 years of my life, and keep me from being able to have a healthy relationship that doesn’t involve me taking shit for months at a time” and on and on… but of course theres no spigot in place for those things to come out reasonably, so the pressure just builds and builds until…well, i guess in the past it would be until i shut down in a fit of depression… dont know about now…

And he’s not talking to me today. It’s like… no. YOU can’t not talk to ME… I’m not talking to YOU.

Such childish behavior…

I guess me not being able to express my anger is basically in his best interest, since it keeps him in control.

I feel like a pressure cooker with no release valve when it comes to this situation. I’m okay at expressing other emotions… maybe not feeling them so much, but i’m learning. but the anger and frustration and powerlessness is just.. I have no way of releasing it, so things stay as they are, except I feel worse and worse.

And I do feel bad because these last few years, he has been generally more supportive of me, tho sometimes it feels like its happening speciflcally to justify the rest of it. Thats in my head though, I think.

I got nothing.

Written by admin

April 5th, 2004 at 3:31 pm

Posted in Family