2004 May at sdcjournal

I’m bored. Bored beyond any reasonable expectation of being bored. Bored on new multi-dimensional levels. Bored of being bored of being bored.

Bored of people and their endless predictability. Bored of people who think their situations are unique. Bored of the same poeple going through the same stuff.

Bored of my house, bored of how things look, bored of being called a nice guy, bored of not getting laid, bored of my rules, bored of being bored of my rules.

Bored of not having my life for me, or being in control…bored of only having control of me and not of my life… bored of having the potential power to manipulate other people because they’re so fucking predictable and not using it, bored of being nice bored of being a doormat bored of not doing what i want to do and fuck everyone else bored of thinking it would be arrogant to think of my own interests before other peoples bored of complaining bored of talking about it bored of routine bored of changing routines into some other boring routine bored of talking about it bored of talking about it bored of fucking talking about it bored of spinning my wheels bored of life being so FUCKING EASY.

But is the only other option having life be hard? I’m bored of that too.

Bored of my life containing fulfilling elements and not being fulfilling, bored of not adding up to enough to keep me from getting bored bored of sitting in front of a computer 18 hours a day bored of the same fucking piles of shit everywhere bored of cleaning bored of making a mess bored of sending emails and giving away CD players and watching people on TV be bored and hearing people sing about being bored. You don’t fucking know bored. I’m bored in ways you can’t begin to fathom.

Bored of people wanting me to be happy bored of not knowing what to say to them bored of making excuses bored of not knowing how i feel bored of feeling nothing bored of taking it bored of dishing it out bored of collecting bored of it all means shit bored of the same stuff as when i was five but not wanting to move bored of odl stuff bored of new stuff being old stuff in new packaging bored of beautiful people with no self-worth bored of people saying they are something when they’re quite obviously something eles but wont know it for another 5 years bored of knowing this about people bored of saying ‘i told you so’ bored of being above with no peers bored of not wanting to be one of them bored of wanting to be more like them bored of us vs. them bored of boredom bored of music bored of movies bored of IM bored of ruts. bored of rust.
Bored on new and previously unexplored levels.

Bored of not having an outlet bored of hearing myself think bored of taking my time bored of waiting on outside influnces bored of lucky streak bored of things being easy bored of things being difficult bored of everything everyone does being the fucking same. And she’s going to say “well you really mean that about yourself, not other people”. I’m bored of that too.

Bored of not having vices bored of my vice being not having any vices bored of not getting high bored of not having a distraction like everyone else bored of reality bored of fantasy i just want to trash my fucking house and start over but that would be just like something someone else did. It’s all been done before, even this rant.

People are so easy. Psycho is better than easy.]

And it makes me fucking mad that that’s what I’ve left myself with because i’m so fucking bored..

Whats new for me?

FUCK.

—- Addendum —–
Bored of not letting myself do anything stupid. Bored of having other people talk me out of doing stupid human things.

Question: What would replace ‘bored’ in most of the above statements? or is it really bored.

I’m bored of writing about being bored.

chrrybmbnyc: hey

SoftLord: yuo’re funny…like i’d want to talk to you
anymore

chrrybmbnyc: I’ve had a bad week. And I do miss you

SoftLord: good.

SoftLord: hope you treat the next nice guy who
comes along better than you treated me

chrrybmbnyc: so i finally extricated myself from ed and
the business. Had to get an order of protection, have
bruises all over my arms, and ed swallowed some pills and
is in the psych ward

SoftLord: i’m happy for you… i really can’t keep
doin this back and forth tho C… its not fair… you
get my hopes up that you might be pullin your shit
together enough to even be friends and/or
fuckbuds, either of which i would be fine with, and
then you pull the same shit you always pull

SoftLord: i used to be that much of a masochist,
but i can’t be anymore

chrrybmbnyc: it’s not the easiest situation. hope you
never find yourself there

chrrybmbnyc: oh fuck you. I didn’t do anything that
bizarre

SoftLord: you set up plans and flaked…for like the
7th time…after being all ‘i miss you and i want you
as a friend’ … its not bizarre for you, but its cruel
to me.

chrrybmbnyc: I’m sorry. I had a lot of shit to take care of.
Like keeping ed from going crazy on you. You have no idea
the type of damage he’s done to my life and the people I
care about

SoftLord: and i really dont need people being cruel
to me, no matter what the situation, past or
present might have been

SoftLord: what does ed have to do with me

chrrybmbnyc: whatever. guess you never bore the brunt of
a jealous ex-boyfriend. You don’t have to talk to me

SoftLord: remember, i had to deal with not being
your boyfriend because of him while we were
together.

chrrybmbnyc: well I paid the price

SoftLord: well i’m glad, then, that youre not in that
situation anymore

chrrybmbnyc: no, I’m free as a bird

SoftLord: it was no picnic for me either.

SoftLord: in case you hadn’t noticed.

chrrybmbnyc: I know

chrrybmbnyc: so let’s talk about the future

SoftLord: hmm.

SoftLord: here it is.

chrrybmbnyc: how’s the new job

SoftLord: in order for us to be friends, fuckbuddies,
whatever…i need to know that you’re not going to
pull the same shit you always do. cause it hurts
me. and i dont need that kind of stuff in my life.
so, when you can do that then we’ll see about ‘the
future’

SoftLord: job is great

chrrybmbnyc: ok I’ll earn your trust

SoftLord: honestly, you know i respect you and all
that, but… and i dontl ike that i’m saying this
because it means i reversed my position, and dont
think i didn’t realize it… this is your last chance…
you fuck up again, i dont want to hear from you

chrrybmbnyc: and you define the boundary so eloquently.
missed you

SoftLord: and yes, i do expect a lot from my
friends…tahts why i dont have a ton of them, and
even fewer lovers…but the ones that i do have i
treasure.

SoftLord: just dont make me regret talkin to you

chrrybmbnyc: you won’t

chrrybmbnyc: it has been interesting??

SoftLord: what has?

chrrybmbnyc: the ride

SoftLord: i was never one for rollercoasters

chrrybmbnyc: just the merry go round

SoftLord: on turbo mode perhaps

chrrybmbnyc: so what have you been up to lately

SoftLord: work…thats pretty much it…

chrrybmbnyc: that’s a pity

chrrybmbnyc: how’s your menagerie of women

SoftLord: well i seem to remember a booty call that
never happened.

chrrybmbnyc: I was talking about your Egypt and German
girls

SoftLord: *shrug* Alex has a girlfriend, Sue’s comin
back at the end of the month… everyone else can
go fuck themselves

chrrybmbnyc: that doesn’t sound good

SoftLord: nah its fine…was time to clean out the
hangers-on

chrrybmbnyc: I hear that

SoftLord: make some new friends

chrrybmbnyc: that’s always just easier

SoftLord: whatever happened to Michael…he didn’t
move along with you? i liked him, tho he was pretty
tightly wound

chrrybmbnyc: you mean ax-murderer michael

SoftLord: sure

chrrybmbnyc: he went back to new orleans to spend
some time with his son

SoftLord: ah.. he did have that NOLA vibe about
him

chrrybmbnyc: yes he did. do miss him though

SoftLord: he seemed like good people, ax murderer
aside

chrrybmbnyc: he definitely was…really did me a solid
once

SoftLord: tho apparnetly he made me nervous…i
always knock things over around people who make
me nervous

chrrybmbnyc: hold on…I have to pee

chrrybmbnyc: done peeing

SoftLord: hope everything came out alright.

chrrybmbnyc: yes, it

chrrybmbnyc: came out fine

SoftLord: good to know

chrrybmbnyc: and how’s your urethra

SoftLord: delicious

chrrybmbnyc: so what are you up to tonight

SoftLord: debating food, movie, chat, jerk off, sleep

chrrybmbnyc: in that order?

SoftLord: no, not necessarily

chrrybmbnyc: me too. adam wants to go out but I’m tired.
thinking of just kicking back and watching a movie

SoftLord: also shower might be in there

chrrybmbnyc: just showered myself

SoftLord: they’re good

chrrybmbnyc: yes, and healthy too

SoftLord: er…yes.

chrrybmbnyc: I’m pretty brain dead tonight

SoftLord: so i see

SoftLord: still, either of us at 50% is still better
than most at 100

chrrybmbnyc: very true and very sad

SoftLord: not so.

chrrybmbnyc: why not

SoftLord: most people are dumb…and we get to
take their money

chrrybmbnyc: I did neglect that point. yeah for stupid
people

SoftLord: hip hip

chrrybmbnyc: hooray

SoftLord: hoooo

SoftLord: haaaay

SoftLord: hooooo

chrrybmbnyc: did you call me a ho

SoftLord: i did not

chrrybmbnyc: well ed put a poll of cherrybomb asking who
the bigger whore was: me or christina. I took down the site
for now….but christina beat me out

SoftLord: i’msure he stacked the results

SoftLord: ho is different than whore isn’t it?

SoftLord: ho gives it away, whore makes you pay

chrrybmbnyc: isn’t ho short for whore

chrrybmbnyc: well donw

chrrybmbnyc: e

SoftLord: wasn’t evven goign for the rhyme thing

chrrybmbnyc: sometimes those things just happen

SoftLord: apparently

chrrybmbnyc: some sign of intelligence

SoftLord: as if there was any doubt

SoftLord: so are you out of pseudo.com altogether?

chrrybmbnyc: pretty much. I’ve been making too much $
producing for Playgirl. Part of my negotiation was that I get
cherrybomb.com and the brand. I don’t want to do any
more legal work for other people

SoftLord: i saw some article about playgirlTV…

SoftLord: can’t remember what it said…other than
its not all that widely available

chrrybmbnyc: yeah. Christina and I are their east coast
operation

chrrybmbnyc: but they have $

SoftLord: thought you were worried about her being
too similar to you

chrrybmbnyc: what do you mean

SoftLord: inthe manipulative
potential-for-backstabbing kind of way

SoftLord: well…last we spoke about her anyway

chrrybmbnyc: she really proved herself this week. really
was a true friend

SoftLord: k

chrrybmbnyc: but thanks

SoftLord: yeah.

chrrybmbnyc: you’re a good egg

SoftLord: thanks, i try.

SoftLord: which is why it hurts when people who
know it treat me badly.

chrrybmbnyc: ok I’m sorry….just a blanket sorry

SoftLord: heh…okay

SoftLord: i’m sorry for not letting it go

chrrybmbnyc: you’re just a man….can’t help it

SoftLord: watch it.

SoftLord: you’re still on shaky ground, you know

chrrybmbnyc: don’t worry not a man hater yet

SoftLord: wasn’t worried

SoftLord: yuo’d have every right to be, considering
most of the men in your life

chrrybmbnyc: yeah. I think it’s pretty magnanimous of me

SoftLord: *breaks out a dictionary* 😉

SoftLord: my new word is Quixotic

chrrybmbnyc: and…

chrrybmbnyc: meaning?

SoftLord: optimistic regardless of circumstance

chrrybmbnyc: that’s me

SoftLord: oh yeah.

SoftLord: never complains, always positive

chrrybmbnyc: do I detect a note of sarcasm

SoftLord: facetiousness

chrrybmbnyc: I know that one

SoftLord: argh…stupid virus scan slowing down my
computer

chrrybmbnyc: a hazard

SoftLord: better than not doin it i guess

SoftLord: still doin porn?

SoftLord: quix·ot·ic ( P ) Pronunciation Key
(kwk-stk) also quix·ot·i·cal (–kl)

adj.

1. Caught up in the romance of noble deeds and
the pursuit of unreachable goals; idealistic without
regard to practicality.

2. Capricious; impulsive: “At worst his scruples
must have been quixotic, not malicious” (Louis
Auchincloss).

chrrybmbnyc: NOT ME

SoftLord: i coulda told you that

chrrybmbnyc: yes, way too practical

SoftLord: mercurial is another good one

chrrybmbnyc: yes

SoftLord: mercurial

\Mer*cu"ri*al\, a. [L. mercurialis, fr. Mercurius
Mercury: cf. F. mercuriel.] 1. Having the qualities
fabled to belong to the god Mercury; swift; active;
sprightly; fickle; volatile; changeable; as, a
mercurial youth; a mercurial temperament.

chrrybmbnyc: kind of me

SoftLord: didn’t know i was supposed to be searchin
for a word to define you

chrrybmbnyc: no, but we did start this conversation how I
thought I was quixotic

SoftLord: true true

chrrybmbnyc: don’t worry. I’m not that self absorbed

SoftLord: did i say anything?

chrrybmbnyc: no

SoftLord: right. 🙂

SoftLord: i hope steve leaves soon too.

chrrybmbnyc: yeah

SoftLord: and then everyone i’m relatively fond of
will be gone

chrrybmbnyc: won’t that be grand

SoftLord: and it’ll just be adam running the whole
thing

chrrybmbnyc: I’m going to merge the pseudo assets with
another company. been working on it for a while. Now
everyone is out of my way. yippe

SoftLord: that url has so many visitors and so little
content of use to anyone

chrrybmbnyc: yeah. but they make $

chrrybmbnyc: we’re going to start creating new content.
Relauch streetsound, globalhouse etc

SoftLord: thougt you were leaving

SoftLord: and the brand you were taking was
cherrybomb

chrrybmbnyc: yes. but I have to set pseudo up so we’re
making $ off the investment

SoftLord: whats your percentage?

chrrybmbnyc: 50%

chrrybmbnyc: and all the IP assets

SoftLord: aj

SoftLord: ah

chrrybmbnyc: the ball is in my court

chrrybmbnyc: or should I say "balls"

SoftLord: you didn’t have balls last i checked

chrrybmbnyc: but I have the biggest balls of them all

SoftLord: so technically you could package it all up
and sell the other 50% to competent people with a
passion for it who aren’t nutjobs and have business
sense, make them prominently feature cherrybomb,
and totally ignore it and let the money roll in

chrrybmbnyc: you got it. like an IQ test

SoftLord: i just…not that its any of my business or
my call or anything… but it didn’t seem like you
were at all happy or satisfied doing the day-to-day
of running an internet company…and honestly you
weren’t that good at it (the internet side of it)…so
i wouldn’t want you to go back to it.

chrrybmbnyc: not good at it???

SoftLord: good at partnerships and making
deals…but that site is really bad… the design is
awful and not useful, you dont have any room for
standard banners on the front page, 75% of your
content links were broken at any one time

chrrybmbnyc: fake it till you make it

SoftLord: *Shrug*

SoftLord: hence, not so good at the internet side.

SoftLord: when people hit broken links too often
they get pissed off and they dont come back.

chrrybmbnyc: internet is expensive. need the
partnerships etc. before you can spend $ on content etc.

chrrybmbnyc: talk to adam. that’s his thing

SoftLord: i dont care, really…i’m just saying

chrrybmbnyc: uh huh

SoftLord: and i have spoken to adam about my
suggested redesign, weeks ago

chrrybmbnyc: good boy

SoftLord: mostly because he’s been workin with us
@sony a bunch lately and i want it to be worth our
time

SoftLord: watch it.

chrrybmbnyc: bark for me

SoftLord: it takes me two clicks to put you on block
list for good, and i dont have to answer my phone.

chrrybmbnyc: but you’d miss me

SoftLord: when was the last time i IMed you first,
Carlin?

chrrybmbnyc: ooohhh

SoftLord: i miss talking with you sometimes, but i
also wont take nearly as much shit as even i did 6
months ago.

chrrybmbnyc: a new man

SoftLord: and you’re on thin ice as it is 😛

SoftLord: yes…perhaps i have you to thank for that
in a roundabout way

chrrybmbnyc: yes you do

SoftLord: so there you have it.

chrrybmbnyc: you don’t have to thank me

SoftLord: wasn’t plannin on it

chrrybmbnyc: I know you love me

SoftLord: that remains to be seen

chrrybmbnyc: you are too much fun

SoftLord: why’s that

chrrybmbnyc: just very stimulating

SoftLord: can i ask you something honestly?

chrrybmbnyc: yes you may

SoftLord: sometimes i get the feeling that you
weasel back into my relatively good graces just to
prove that you can, and then you get
bored...anything to that?

chrrybmbnyc: not at all

SoftLord: okay…well i just thought you should be
aware that i feel that way sometimes.

chrrybmbnyc: no, just been trying to get control of my life
for the last 3 years. everyone knew I was over a barrel
because I knew ed would try to fuck the business. had to
wait

SoftLord: i see

SoftLord: and where are you now?

chrrybmbnyc: free, in control, producing, independent, and
loving it

SoftLord: happy for you

SoftLord: must be an odd feeling

chrrybmbnyc: yes, like being an adult again. sometimes I
hate being a woman.

chrrybmbnyc: hate that men can try to intimidate you
physically and business is unfair….have to always watch
your back

SoftLord: being a woman isn’t it…its being a
beautiful and smart woman thats the kicker

SoftLord: bunch of insecure men in the world who
can’t take the combo

chrrybmbnyc: yes, I can’t tell you how much of that
bullshit I"m confronting. Men hate successful/creative
women

SoftLord: and it wasn’t meant as a compliment but
as a statement of fact.

chrrybmbnyc: i know

SoftLord: dont say men

SoftLord: its not all men.

SoftLord: its men you deal with

chrrybmbnyc: men in their 40’s

SoftLord: k…wouldn’t know much about them

SoftLord: oh

SoftLord: wish me a happy birthday

chrrybmbnyc: Happy Birthday.

chrrybmbnyc: knew there was a reason I IMed you

SoftLord: oh is that why

SoftLord: i doubt that.

SoftLord: why did you IM me?

chrrybmbnyc: fate?

SoftLord: you can give me a real answer, i wont
laugh at you.

chrrybmbnyc: just wanted to reconnect now that I’m
through the woods

SoftLord: for what purpos

SoftLord: e

SoftLord: i won’t hold you to it

SoftLord: not that i could anyway

chrrybmbnyc: to enjoy you

SoftLord: a multilayered turn of phrase

chrrybmbnyc: like that don’t you

SoftLord: it did make me take notice

chrrybmbnyc: I aim to please

SoftLord: you seem like you do a decent job, from
my limited experience

chrrybmbnyc: just decent???

SoftLord: you’re so easy

chrrybmbnyc: are you saying I’m a "whore"

SoftLord: no, i’m saying you’re easily riled

chrrybmbnyc: true dat

SoftLord: and i dont remember having any
complaints except that we only did it that one night
and never got to expand the repertoire.

chrrybmbnyc: I know

SoftLord: and you made me break several of my
rules

chrrybmbnyc: I can be crafty

SoftLord: amongst other things

chrrybmbnyc: yes

chrrybmbnyc: so I think I’m going to crash for a few hours.
be back later=-O

SoftLord: you ARE a tease.

SoftLord: do you mean later or do you mean
tomorrow, honestly.\

SoftLord:

http://www.zerointerrupt.com/arkive/milkshake.jpg

Auto response from chrrybmbnyc: I am away from my
computer right now.

sdcjournal

Archive for May, 2004

Progress

Disclosure

Revelations

carlintake3

Search

Categories

Archives