sdcjournal

I’m mad at you for creating contradictions, no-win situations and traps for me to make yourself feel better
I’m mad at you for not giving me freedoms i deserve
I’m mad at you for tearing my family apart
I’m mad at you for trying to control me
I’m mad at you for not giving me an outlet for my anger
I’m mad at you for not giving me a safe place to grow up
I’m mad at you for hurting me and my mom
I’m mad at you for not letting me be an adult
I’m mad at you for leaving me with a habit of setting impossible standards for myself
I’m mad at you for stifling my emotion
I’m mad at you for making it possible for me to blame myself
I’m mad at you for showing me that its better to suffer than to change
I’m mad at you for showing me that its better to do without than to indulge, unless it’s food.
I’m mad at you for making connection dangerous
I’m mad at you for not letting me let myself make mistakes
I’m mad at you for making me thing that some of these things arent because of you
I’m mad at you for teaching me to second guess myself at every opportunity

I’m mad at you for not knowing why i’m mad at you
I’m mad at you for not letting me hate you

– Staying late after school…still
– keeping myself from having anything to look foward to
– Forgetting to eat at lunch, and eating when i’m lonely
– being mad at my dad, and then being mad that i’m mad, and then being mad about that.
– being lonely no matter what
– keeping myself isolated
–

“Dawson: What is wrong with being mature for my age?

Jen: Because it’s going to trap you, Dawson. Because you’re going to wake up one morning and you’re going to realize that the reason you’re not growing is that you never allowed the process. There’s a reason that we go from infancy to old age. Think about that.” -dawsons creek season 2 episode 7

” Dawson: Let’s just say, I’m geared to respond to life in a certain way and you say I don’t respond like a typical adolescent, and you’re right, I don’t, but emotionally, I do. I always have. I am very much my age emotionally, maybe even younger. And my feelings are in constant conflict with my overachieving self-aware brain and it’s just a constant battle. And that’s what’s driving me crazy. Am I making any sense?”

I’d like to

• have the option to connect with my feelings without having to be overcome with loneliness or anxiety
• be able to feel appreciated and not have unrealistic expectations for myself that can never be reached short-term
• be able to pro-actively take positive steps for my life rather than contuing to sabotage my happiness
• be able to see more grey area in interpersonal relationships
• be able to accept nurturing as something i’m worthy of
• not be scared to lose self-confidence by connecting with emotion
• not always put myself in the position of caretaker
• be able to rely on people and/or find people worthy of being relied upon

I feel alone…stripped…raw…invisible… just want to cry… if i’d let myself have that relief.

I need someone to hug me so bad I could scream

Is this what I’ve been missing?

HARMONIZER CLARIFIER
Going with the flow. Knowing what is behind what is said. Uncovering mysteries. Exploring moral questions. Talent for facilitative listening. Relate through stories and metaphors. Balancing opposites. Getting reacquainted with themselves. Have a way of knowing what is believable. Struggling with structure and getting their lives in order.

+ Type Code: INFP
+ Temperament: Idealist
+ Interaction Style: Behind-the-Scenes
+ Cognitive Processes: Fi – Ne – Si – Te — Fe – Ni – Se – Ti
http://www.16typesuniversity.com/16types.html

I impress people to have power over them. This is least harmful to them and most harmful to me, because it puts distance between us immediately.

Those who put themselves down are of no use to me because there is pre-existing distance and therefore my attempts will have no effect.

This is counterproductive on a grand scale, as it separates my value and contributions from me as a person, but somehow I need to have that separation, perhaps because I dont value myself as a person, because I dont feel like theres anything defined there, and how can one value nothing. “Nothing” is not meant in this case as having a value of “0” it is meant as an undefined entity, which is different.

By allowing the self to define itself, there will hopefully strike a balance and a connection between my contributions to the world and myself as an entity.

…or something.

– I make things more complicated than they need to be, i think because if they were too easy then i wouldn’t feel any sense of accomplishment at all.

“You know i’ve always gor your back. I dont want anything to happen to you” -Alex, this weekend.