Private Journal – Keep Out.

Archive for August, 2004

a look inside my head

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a constant stream of voices from all sides, some hopeful forward-thinking and positive, but those tend to be beat down by the mostly rage-filled smarmy and self-defeating ones both trying simultaneously to analyze the context of, talk me into and talk me out of anything i might be doing and the meta-implications therein both for my self-definition and how I fit with my surroundings in some kind of perverse ourobouros-ian self-feeding confusion spree so convoluted and self-contradictory that its amazing that i can get anything done at all…

maybe thats why i’m such a pop culture and information junkie…cause it distracts me enough that the voices are mostly a dull hubbub…

does that mean if i work through it i wont be as good at my job or as a DJ? (my mind immediately kicks in)… of COURSE… cause without them where would i be… evil always finds a way to rationalize its existance

i just wish i could shut them up long enough to not think myself out of having them shut up long enough to do soemthing about something or give myself credit for having done something or …

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August 4th, 2004 at 10:45 pm

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It occurs to me as I was home sick from work today (woke up with a sore throat from hell) that I’m totally lost when it comes to people expressing any true concern for me.

I was talking to some work people who were saying that i should feel better and offering suggestions on how to help my stiff neck, and it just confused me that people would actually be interested in how i was feeling…. i felt myself discounting their interest by force of habit and it made me sad…

why am i such a mess

and why do i let myself say things like that

and why would i rather believe them than disagree

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August 3rd, 2004 at 11:09 pm

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