sdcjournal

– Every time i get enough energy to say “i value myself more than this situation” i turn it back against myself
– on many levels i crave the invalidation/rejection…why?
– need it to prove/justify (?)
– pity is not respect
– inverse processing
– only want respect/value from those i feel are “Beneath me”
– stuck in endless complex loop
– sout the milk
– learn to rject rather than feed on invaludation
– what is the fear
– inverted/inside out

– Admiration
– be “on the list”
– unconditional love
– paranoia…was i an attempt to distract from other problems
– grandiosity
– giving away control
– advice = no win
– doesn’t everyone want respect
– blurry memories
– craving rejection as much as admiration
– rejection of “False self”
– contempt/envy
– hollow
– inward contempt for which self
– emotional masochism as manifestation of rage against … (?)

Just stop

Don’t ask me if I want anything from outside. If I need anything I’ll either ask you or get it myself.

Don’t go into my room for any reason. It’s not because I’m hiding something, it’s because its my room. Don’t come in to get towels for laundry, don’t come in for any reason.

Don’t touch my fucking laundry. No matter what you might say its not “part of your job”. I’m 25, I can do my own laundry. As a matter of fact I’ve been doing it for the better part of my life. It’s not your obligation, leave it the fuck alone. If the noise from the dryer being done is bothering you, stop it from buzzing, or come tell me.

It’s not your job. I’m an adult. An adult.

Do you understand how doing these things makes me feel like less than a person? Do you care?