Private Journal – Keep Out.

Archive for December, 2004


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KealliGirl (1:14:52 AM): you have issues with sex?
KealliGirl (1:14:55 AM): we’ve never talked about that
SoftLord (1:15:00 AM): well
SoftLord (1:15:22 AM): i have issues with choosing partners and why i decide to play with certain people
KealliGirl (1:15:47 AM): may i have some examples.. or further explanation?
SoftLord (1:16:03 AM): will hook up with ppl i’m not attracted to in order to hurt myself
KealliGirl (1:16:09 AM): oh.
SoftLord (1:16:15 AM): or shame myself
SoftLord (1:16:16 AM): or something
SoftLord (1:16:17 AM): dunno
SoftLord (1:16:38 AM): you dont fall into that category so stop being insecure in your brain
KealliGirl (1:17:03 AM): well.. thanks. those are my issues 😛
SoftLord (1:17:10 AM): i know
SoftLord (1:17:20 AM): which is why i mentioned specifically
SoftLord (1:18:00 AM): but you know…on the same level… i’m attracted to you, and you’re unavailable to me, and sometimes playing with you makes me feel bad cause you’re in a relationship…so i guess its not totally different
KealliGirl (1:18:17 AM): i don’t want to make you feel bad.
KealliGirl (1:18:23 AM): i think i understand better now..
KealliGirl (1:18:30 AM): why you put up a fight sometimes
SoftLord (1:18:35 AM): good
SoftLord (1:22:05 AM): i just dont feel like i’m worth risking something real…maybe some of that is self-worth issues in that realm, but sometimes it bothers me more than others cause i get scared that you or whoever is gonna get feelings for me…its like…being afraid of my worthiness
KealliGirl (1:22:35 AM): interesting.
SoftLord (1:22:46 AM): yeah..thanks for that, dad
KealliGirl (1:24:31 AM): when i was 12 my dad said.. “thats why your friends dont want to go out with you.. because you’re fat” which was so lame because i’ve always had a lot of friends. in that paticular moment it was just stupid jr high girl bullshit
SoftLord (1:24:53 AM): thats the kind of stuff that sticks with you
KealliGirl (1:25:01 AM): oh totally
SoftLord (1:25:03 AM): my dad had a habit of screaming at me in front of my friends
KealliGirl (1:25:09 AM): ugh
SoftLord (1:25:11 AM): so they’d feel guilty for even being ther
SoftLord (1:25:12 AM): e
SoftLord (1:25:33 AM): so the connection… have people who like me who are around, get humiliated
KealliGirl (1:26:27 AM): ah.. i get it
SoftLord (1:26:42 AM): it’s all math
SoftLord (1:27:33 AM): so yeah…i stick to dating and fucking people who either dont really care about me that much or are so insecure about themselves that they put me on some kind of pedestal
SoftLord (1:30:01 AM): or…have stuck to
SoftLord (1:30:46 AM): at the moment i’m not stickin to anyone
SoftLord (1:30:57 AM): except the mishandling of the jen situation
SoftLord (1:30:57 AM): heh
SoftLord (1:32:03 AM): you’re fascinated, i can tell
SoftLord (1:32:04 AM): 😉
KealliGirl (1:32:31 AM): i just.. they arent my issues.. i’m seriously sitting here trying to put myself in your situation.. to understand it.
KealliGirl (1:32:35 AM): so i kind of don’t know what to say.
KealliGirl (1:35:47 AM): its hard for me to imagine that.. people of worth.. or that you like = humilation..
SoftLord (1:35:49 AM): s’ok i was not lookin for you to relate… just to listen

Written by admin

December 29th, 2004 at 2:11 am

Posted in Women

Dear Mom

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This is my attempt to explain the circumstances behind the events post-thanksgiving.

As you have probably noticed (or maybe not), I tend to not feel comfortable with events traditionally associated with family, since the breakup of what i consider to be my ‘real’ family.

I think a large part of why I didn’t tell you that I wasn’t going to show was that I felt like you needed to know that I have a lot of anger and hurt left over from when you left here, and the general turbulance of my adolescent years at home. Although I understand that you had to leave and that it was ultimately for the best for you, I still felt and to some extent still do feel like I was abandoned.

I know that we have both grown as people and some of these feelings are from a long time ago, but I still feel them enough to have them manifest in things like making plans for family-related events and then not showing up to them. You see, that’s not what’s in my brain and emotions as “my family”. My family is gone. And to let my guard down and enjoy a situation like that would be a betrayal of what I consider to be my true familiy, even though that unit does not exist anymore.

So maybe I did want you to feel some of what I felt when you left. It feels strange to me to be admitting this after so long, and I’m glad we’re as close as we are now, but I just thought I should let you know where I’m coming from when things like that happen.

I’m not sure whether there’s anything to be done about this situation right now, but there it is.

Thank you for helping me get to a point in which I can share this with you.

I have more to say, but that will have to wait for another time.

My love always,


Written by admin

December 15th, 2004 at 2:06 am

Posted in Family