sdcjournal

Private Journal – Keep Out.

Sex

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KealliGirl (1:14:52 AM): you have issues with sex?
KealliGirl (1:14:55 AM): we’ve never talked about that
SoftLord (1:15:00 AM): well
SoftLord (1:15:22 AM): i have issues with choosing partners and why i decide to play with certain people
KealliGirl (1:15:47 AM): may i have some examples.. or further explanation?
SoftLord (1:16:03 AM): will hook up with ppl i’m not attracted to in order to hurt myself
KealliGirl (1:16:09 AM): oh.
SoftLord (1:16:15 AM): or shame myself
SoftLord (1:16:16 AM): or something
SoftLord (1:16:17 AM): dunno
SoftLord (1:16:38 AM): you dont fall into that category so stop being insecure in your brain
KealliGirl (1:17:03 AM): well.. thanks. those are my issues 😛
SoftLord (1:17:10 AM): i know
SoftLord (1:17:20 AM): which is why i mentioned specifically
SoftLord (1:18:00 AM): but you know…on the same level… i’m attracted to you, and you’re unavailable to me, and sometimes playing with you makes me feel bad cause you’re in a relationship…so i guess its not totally different
KealliGirl (1:18:17 AM): i don’t want to make you feel bad.
KealliGirl (1:18:23 AM): i think i understand better now..
KealliGirl (1:18:30 AM): why you put up a fight sometimes
SoftLord (1:18:35 AM): good
SoftLord (1:22:05 AM): i just dont feel like i’m worth risking something real…maybe some of that is self-worth issues in that realm, but sometimes it bothers me more than others cause i get scared that you or whoever is gonna get feelings for me…its like…being afraid of my worthiness
KealliGirl (1:22:35 AM): interesting.
SoftLord (1:22:46 AM): yeah..thanks for that, dad
KealliGirl (1:24:31 AM): when i was 12 my dad said.. “thats why your friends dont want to go out with you.. because you’re fat” which was so lame because i’ve always had a lot of friends. in that paticular moment it was just stupid jr high girl bullshit
SoftLord (1:24:53 AM): thats the kind of stuff that sticks with you
KealliGirl (1:25:01 AM): oh totally
SoftLord (1:25:03 AM): my dad had a habit of screaming at me in front of my friends
KealliGirl (1:25:09 AM): ugh
SoftLord (1:25:11 AM): so they’d feel guilty for even being ther
SoftLord (1:25:12 AM): e
SoftLord (1:25:33 AM): so the connection… have people who like me who are around, get humiliated
KealliGirl (1:26:27 AM): ah.. i get it
SoftLord (1:26:42 AM): it’s all math
SoftLord (1:27:33 AM): so yeah…i stick to dating and fucking people who either dont really care about me that much or are so insecure about themselves that they put me on some kind of pedestal
SoftLord (1:30:01 AM): or…have stuck to
SoftLord (1:30:46 AM): at the moment i’m not stickin to anyone
SoftLord (1:30:57 AM): except the mishandling of the jen situation
SoftLord (1:30:57 AM): heh
SoftLord (1:32:03 AM): you’re fascinated, i can tell
SoftLord (1:32:04 AM): 😉
KealliGirl (1:32:31 AM): i just.. they arent my issues.. i’m seriously sitting here trying to put myself in your situation.. to understand it.
KealliGirl (1:32:35 AM): so i kind of don’t know what to say.
KealliGirl (1:35:47 AM): its hard for me to imagine that.. people of worth.. or that you like = humilation..
SoftLord (1:35:49 AM): s’ok i was not lookin for you to relate… just to listen

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Written by admin

December 29th, 2004 at 2:11 am

Posted in Women

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