Private Journal – Keep Out.

Archive for January, 2005

People are morons.

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so we’re putting together a physical card for the official star wars fan club thats going to be handed out in a gift bag at the end of february that says “on april 5, go to to listen to exclusive music from the episode iii soundtrack!”… so michelle errante (product manager for the soundtrack) sends a comp of the card for approval to the star wars folks, who come back with “i think theres a problem, i went to that URL and theres nothing there, please resolve this immediately”…so this morning i get a frantic email from michelle saying “what the hell is going on, fix this immediately”
i’m like “ummm….the thing doesn’t go out until the freakin end of february…of COURSE theres nothing at that URL yet…the thing hasn’t been built…we dont even have MUSIC recorded!”
so she’s like “you need to call lucas and explain it to them right now”

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January 27th, 2005 at 7:12 pm

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A Letter

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Dear Mom,

This is not something that’s at all easy for me to write, but I think it’s important.

You need to know how much it hurt me when you moved out those years ago. It felt like when times were darkest, the one person who was remotely sympathetic to how I was feeling in my life left me. Of course I understand how toxic the situation was for you, and had I been in your situation I think I would probably have left as well, however at the time and since then it has left me with feelings of abandonment and resentment that have affected me and my relationships with you, dad, and other people since it happened.

That time in my life is all a blur… I find myself not being at all clear about the timeline of events spanning several years (93-97 is pretty much all a blur).

I think this is why I find it difficult to make plans with you lately. Because there is still a lot of anger about being left to fend for myself in a frankly horrific situation without an outlet.

I just needed you to know my mindset, and why things like me flaking on big events like last Thanksgiving happen. Somewhere in my mind I dont feel like I should be filling a familial role when you weren’t there for that role during those years. I feel uncomfortable even being in situations like that with you and Alan, and I dont like feeling uncomfortable with you, so it puts me in a weird position.

This is not meant to be hurtful, just honest.

My love always,


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January 19th, 2005 at 5:44 pm

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Questions to ponder

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– What can i do about the fact that I find myself attracted to women that I can be in a ‘parental’ role for (recently single, damaged, etc)
– Where can I find comfort
– How can I learn to be on even ground with people without selling myself short

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January 12th, 2005 at 5:34 pm

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