Private Journal – Keep Out.

Archive for February, 2005

Family Pre-Move

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hyperthetical (11:15:14 AM): hey
StillwelNY (11:15:17 AM): hi
StillwelNY (11:15:21 AM): pretty day huh?
hyperthetical (11:15:44 AM): didn’t really notice
StillwelNY (11:16:33 AM): i read your journal – i gather he believes you are paying rent but gives it no significance
StillwelNY (11:17:02 AM): and that he will think about it – not sure if that is a way of putting you off or really will

hyperthetical (11:20:33 AM): he brought you up in the rent part of it
hyperthetical (11:20:42 AM): ‘i dont know what she told you but it doesn’t matter’ something like thta
hyperthetical (11:20:43 AM): that
StillwelNY (11:21:42 AM): could never figure out his paranoia
hyperthetical (11:22:11 AM): apparently he doesn’t want the house turning into a crash pad
hyperthetical (11:22:14 AM): whatever the hell that means
StillwelNY (11:22:52 AM): once again think that he is fearful and paranoid – so whatever his fear and paranoia evoke???

hyperthetical (11:25:35 AM): i was starting to feel so much better about my life and this just took me right back to when iwas 15

hyperthetical (11:25:56 AM): he denied having hit me more than once, didn’t remember yelling at me in front of my friends

StillwelNY (11:28:57 AM): in my opinion, you are not going to change him very much – you are going to have to get your needs taken care by negotiating from a place of strength

hyperthetical (11:29:19 AM): i told him i would try to take his concerns into account
StillwelNY (11:29:33 AM): that is a good start
hyperthetical (11:29:34 AM): i mean what can i do…invite people over and have them yelled at and kicked out?
StillwelNY (11:31:24 AM): perhaps you can tell him not to yell at your friends and then do a practice run with somebody that will not get crazy when he yells like Sue

StillwelNY (11:31:38 AM): assuming she doesn’t
hyperthetical (11:31:47 AM): sue doesn’t want to spend any more time there thanshe absolutely has to
hyperthetical (11:31:57 AM): plus she’s not back til june at the earliest
hyperthetical (11:32:09 AM): i dont feel like i can have any kind of a social life that doesn’t involve avoiding going home

StillwelNY (11:32:24 AM): how often is charly away
hyperthetical (11:32:32 AM): not often enough
StillwelNY (11:32:36 AM): and do you know if advance
StillwelNY (11:32:44 AM): and do you know in advance
hyperthetical (11:32:48 AM): a couple of days sometimes
hyperthetical (11:33:03 AM): and i’m 26, i shouldn’t hav eto plan my ability to have friends around when my dad is out of the house

StillwelNY (11:33:43 AM): because you dad is not normal — so you can not get rational behavior from him
StillwelNY (11:33:59 AM): he does not seem to be able to control his temper
hyperthetical (11:34:45 AM): if it was based on some understandable rationale, like if we were screaming and banging pots and pans at 3 in the morning

StillwelNY (11:35:26 AM): but his behavior is not based on rational –
hyperthetical (11:35:35 AM): no shit
StillwelNY (11:36:52 AM): so you have a situation or dilema — very objectively speaking — where you are living in a great place with a great rent the only drawback is you share it with a lunatic who happens to be your father

hyperthetical (11:37:15 AM): i think share is overstating it
StillwelNY (11:37:26 AM): inhabit it
StillwelNY (11:38:02 AM): so if you start from that premise, you can plan your options
StillwelNY (11:38:23 AM): but i do not think you are going to change c’s behavior
StillwelNY (11:47:59 AM): did i say something wrong or are you busy?
hyperthetical (11:53:27 AM): sorry was in a mtg
hyperthetical (11:53:37 AM): you’re still trying to get me to move out
StillwelNY (11:54:24 AM): one mo
StillwelNY (11:57:02 AM): i don’t think that i have any motive – i am just trying to be a reality check
StillwelNY (11:58:42 AM): it is apparently a very emotional situation for you — i think it would be helpful to look at it more objectively and examine options. — like perhaps build a whole separate area in the loft — like splitting it in two

StillwelNY (11:59:35 AM): i appreciate what a good deal it is and hard it will be to find a comparable space or even a decent space

StillwelNY (12:00:20 PM): so there needs to be some creative thinking going on instead of battling with C because that is like banging your head against the wall

hyperthetical (12:00:53 PM): i would not mind splitting the loft up with separate entrances i just think it would be very expensive

hyperthetical (12:02:45 PM): john’s space looks really nice
StillwelNY (12:02:58 PM): then do the numbers — how much would it cost to be in another place – like $2500/ month — which is like $30,000 / year in two years 60,000. You could take out a loan and probably be ahead of the game — or i am giving this example on how to think about it

hyperthetical (12:03:44 PM): i wouldn’t know how to start
hyperthetical (12:03:50 PM): er… i dont know how to start
hyperthetical (12:03:55 PM): and technically
hyperthetical (12:03:59 PM): at least according to dad
hyperthetical (12:04:05 PM): i have no rights in terms of being able to do something like that
StillwelNY (12:04:13 PM): but I do
hyperthetical (12:05:16 PM): yes
StillwelNY (12:05:18 PM): i think we can discuss all of the options
hyperthetical (12:05:23 PM): so i would need your help
StillwelNY (12:05:59 PM): so maybe we can help eachother
hyperthetical (12:06:33 PM): what can i help with
StillwelNY (12:07:37 PM): i do not have any concrete answers right now — we can discuss all of the possibilities and ramifications.

hyperthetical (12:07:50 PM): i would appreciate it
hyperthetical (12:08:11 PM): i dont really have other people in my life i can talk to about important stuff
StillwelNY (12:08:11 PM): But i think the important part for you now is to try to deal with the charley part of it
StillwelNY (12:08:37 PM): well then i am here for that —
StillwelNY (12:08:46 PM): and i am a business person too
StillwelNY (12:09:25 PM): by the charly part i mean to see the reality of the situation — in case you do not already
StillwelNY (12:10:54 PM): you have mary ruth — she is a very practical person as well as a therapist
StillwelNY (12:11:08 PM): i look at her as my coach now
hyperthetical (12:12:17 PM): yes but that isnt’ really emotional support
StillwelNY (12:13:07 PM): why not
StillwelNY (12:13:26 PM): you mean the coach part 0r mary ruth in general?
hyperthetical (12:14:19 PM): the relationship with have
hyperthetical (12:15:35 PM): relationship we have
hyperthetical (12:15:52 PM): is not like… emotional support its more practical ya know?
hyperthetical (12:16:10 PM): theres no love or caring for me
hyperthetical (12:16:15 PM): which is fine i wouldn’t expect it
hyperthetical (12:16:34 PM): brb
StillwelNY (12:17:57 PM): k
hyperthetical (12:21:57 PM): back
hyperthetical (12:23:54 PM): i do think splitting things up would be a good solution
“StillwelNY” has stopped using the computer at 12:31:50 PM, and is now considered idle.

Written by admin

February 22nd, 2005 at 10:02 am

Posted in Family

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do you want to talk more about the letter and stuff?
StillwelNY (8:17:05 PM): sure
StillwelNY (8:17:51 PM): you mean im?
SoftLord (8:19:11 PM): yea, i dunno
StillwelNY (8:21:14 PM): k – where are you at with your feelings?
SoftLord (8:23:53 PM): i guess…i mean i appreciate the story, and how difficult that must have been, but i kinda felt like it didn’t really address the point…maybe i wasn’t being clear…i didn’t want it to sound like i didn’t want a relationship with you
StillwelNY (8:24:46 PM): what did you want it to sound like?
SoftLord (8:27:43 PM): that its difficult for me to be in situations like that with you
SoftLord (8:28:50 PM): because of the past
SoftLord (8:29:07 PM): which doesn’t mean i dont want to be able to, or care
StillwelNY (8:29:39 PM): so you are saying that you are not able to be with me on thanksgiving
StillwelNY (8:30:22 PM): any other similar situaitons
SoftLord (8:34:09 PM): i think what i’m saying is that not showing up was me on some level trying to show you how it felt to me to be abandoned by my family…and it wasn’t an easy thing to do
StillwelNY (8:35:09 PM): that makes sense to me
SoftLord (8:35:14 PM): nor was it a conscious plan when i said i’d go initially
SoftLord (8:35:53 PM): just, i dont or didn’t feel like i had a way to share how i feel about what happened
StillwelNY (8:37:47 PM): i can appreciate how painful it was/is – and I know how necessary it is to go through those feelings
StillwelNY (8:38:13 PM): i have been working on similar issues myself
StillwelNY (8:42:28 PM): r u there?
StillwelNY (8:42:33 PM): did i say the wrong thing?
SoftLord (8:42:52 PM): no, sorry
SoftLord (8:43:43 PM): just i guess let me know when you feel like you’re ina place where you have something to say about that stuff as it relates to our relationship and past and stuff
SoftLord (8:44:46 PM): doesn’t have to be now obviously
StillwelNY (8:47:36 PM): you want to know why i left bond street and you and charley
SoftLord (8:47:53 PM): no
SoftLord (8:48:00 PM): well i mean, thats not what i was asking
StillwelNY (8:48:18 PM): i am not sure what you are asking – are you?
StillwelNY (8:48:40 PM): do i feel terrible that things turned out the way they did ? i do
StillwelNY (8:49:31 PM): i feel sad and empty about having to leave you – on bond street
StillwelNY (8:50:17 PM): but i do not feel like i abandoned you since i left you with charley who has loved you alot and taken very good care of you
StillwelNY (8:51:06 PM): and i tried to see you as much as i could –
SoftLord (9:00:04 PM): i see
SoftLord (9:00:40 PM): i guess i just dont agree with that last part, but thats neither here nor there
SoftLord (9:12:22 PM): nor was there any other realistic way for it to work out any better
StillwelNY (9:17:47 PM): i am not sure what you are saying – there was lots of turmoil and lots of emotions at the time – and yes there were probably alot of things that could have been different – but i am not sure what you want to know or hear
SoftLord (9:21:50 PM): i dont agree that i was taken very good care of… but as i said, i dont really think it could have worked out better than it did
StillwelNY (9:33:11 PM): it would have been wonderful if we could have been a lot better – but there was alot going on
StillwelNY (9:34:09 PM): something totally different – it is the second time that aol said that somebody signed me on at another location
StillwelNY (9:34:21 PM): at a second location
SoftLord (9:34:24 PM): yes and i got left out in the cold to suffer through depression as divorce roadkill
SoftLord (9:34:27 PM): are you still on at work?
StillwelNY (9:34:55 PM): no
SoftLord (9:35:17 PM): are you sure?
SoftLord (9:35:22 PM): did you sign off?
StillwelNY (9:35:30 PM): i guess i am not sure
SoftLord (9:35:52 PM): if your computer wakes from sleep it registers on AIM as you going back to your computer and signing on again
SoftLord (9:35:59 PM): if you’re worried, you can change the password on your account
StillwelNY (9:36:09 PM): k
StillwelNY (9:36:46 PM): i was with you during for a long time during your depression
SoftLord (9:37:14 PM): trying to put me ina new high school
SoftLord (9:37:43 PM): brb
StillwelNY (9:37:45 PM): taking you to therapy – home schooling –
SoftLord (10:01:50 PM): fighting amongst yourselves while what i got was hit and called a sick child, enough that when i finally found a school i could handle i stayed there til 9 at night so i wouldn’t have to go home
StillwelNY (10:09:32 PM): i am sorry you had to go through that
SoftLord (10:14:16 PM): thanks… and i’m sorry you had to go through whatever else was going on there.
SoftLord (10:14:51 PM): but does that help you understand why its painful for me to go into a situation that would bring our familial relationship into sharp relief
StillwelNY (10:16:25 PM): yes –
SoftLord (10:17:13 PM): good
StillwelNY (10:17:52 PM): i need to go to sleep – it is late for me
SoftLord (10:17:59 PM): okie
StillwelNY (10:18:07 PM): i love you
SoftLord (10:18:21 PM): love you too, or i wouldn’t have brought it up.
StillwelNY (10:18:51 PM): good ———– night
���StillwelNY��� signed off at 10:19:08 PM.

Written by admin

February 16th, 2005 at 10:22 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

Breaking the Cycle

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hyperthetical (3:45:01 PM): basically since high school i’ve always had a female friend that i end up being pseudo-boyfriend to (shoulder to cry on, support system, all that) that i end up having feelings for so its basically just like… i give them all this support and affection and dont really get anything back… and I know you’re not generally that kind of person, but I found myself falling into a similar pattern with you, and the “we’re just friends” comment outside pyramid hurt more than you intended… I certainly dont want to come off like that guy who was hitting on you that night with the “we’re friends but i want you”, especially cause you’re in such a transitional place right now, but I like chatting and spending time with you and stuff, which i guess i made clear… i just dont want to get myself stuck into the “pseudoboyfriend-with-no-benefits” position again… and its not just about sex certainly…
hyperthetical (3:45:20 PM): its why i dont talk to alex anymore
XJezzybellX (3:45:56 PM): hmmm ok just to clraify i was very drunk that night and i do not even remember making that comment
XJezzybellX (3:45:59 PM): can u tell me when?
XJezzybellX (3:46:03 PM): bad that i cant remember i know
hyperthetical (3:46:12 PM): outside with your queeny friend whos name escapes me
XJezzybellX (3:46:22 PM): queeny friend?
XJezzybellX (3:46:26 PM): gabrielle?
hyperthetical (3:46:31 PM): no…guy
XJezzybellX (3:46:34 PM): ya
XJezzybellX (3:46:36 PM): gabrielle
hyperthetical (3:46:40 PM): oh
hyperthetical (3:46:41 PM): okay
hyperthetical (3:46:43 PM): then him, yes
hyperthetical (3:46:44 PM): 🙂
XJezzybellX (3:46:45 PM): or gabriel
XJezzybellX (3:46:47 PM): whatever
hyperthetical (3:46:53 PM): hehe
hyperthetical (3:46:58 PM): i think your first spelling was more appropriate 😉
XJezzybellX (3:47:09 PM): hah prolly
XJezzybellX (3:47:13 PM): ok well i get what u are saying
XJezzybellX (3:47:23 PM): i have to go get ready for work so i cant talk about it much now im soryr 🙁
XJezzybellX (3:47:25 PM): but i would liek to
XJezzybellX (3:47:26 PM): like
XJezzybellX (3:47:36 PM): i am working close again tom so i will be on during the day to talk to u
XJezzybellX (3:47:37 PM): if u want

Written by admin

February 11th, 2005 at 3:52 pm

Posted in Women


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Things I like about myself

– Smart
– Quick-witted
– Adaptable to new environments
– Generous
– Compassionate
– Musical
– Knowledgable about a large number of things
– Good DJ
– Fast learner
– Creative
– Relate to different people easily
– Loyal to a fault

Things I dont like
– Often don’t take my feelings into account when dealing with other people
– Can come across as a ‘victim’ / ‘underdog’
– Punish myself with food
– Get ‘stuck’ rather than doing things to move my situation forward
– Quick to dismiss my own needs
– Seek out the feeling of rejection
– Generally will put my physical, mental and emotional well being as a lower priority than pretty much anything else (external).
– Am attracted to people who focus on themselves in order to make the last point true.

Written by admin

February 9th, 2005 at 5:28 pm

Posted in Uncategorized