Private Journal – Keep Out.

leave a comment

do you want to talk more about the letter and stuff?
StillwelNY (8:17:05 PM): sure
StillwelNY (8:17:51 PM): you mean im?
SoftLord (8:19:11 PM): yea, i dunno
StillwelNY (8:21:14 PM): k – where are you at with your feelings?
SoftLord (8:23:53 PM): i guess…i mean i appreciate the story, and how difficult that must have been, but i kinda felt like it didn’t really address the point…maybe i wasn’t being clear…i didn’t want it to sound like i didn’t want a relationship with you
StillwelNY (8:24:46 PM): what did you want it to sound like?
SoftLord (8:27:43 PM): that its difficult for me to be in situations like that with you
SoftLord (8:28:50 PM): because of the past
SoftLord (8:29:07 PM): which doesn’t mean i dont want to be able to, or care
StillwelNY (8:29:39 PM): so you are saying that you are not able to be with me on thanksgiving
StillwelNY (8:30:22 PM): any other similar situaitons
SoftLord (8:34:09 PM): i think what i’m saying is that not showing up was me on some level trying to show you how it felt to me to be abandoned by my family…and it wasn’t an easy thing to do
StillwelNY (8:35:09 PM): that makes sense to me
SoftLord (8:35:14 PM): nor was it a conscious plan when i said i’d go initially
SoftLord (8:35:53 PM): just, i dont or didn’t feel like i had a way to share how i feel about what happened
StillwelNY (8:37:47 PM): i can appreciate how painful it was/is – and I know how necessary it is to go through those feelings
StillwelNY (8:38:13 PM): i have been working on similar issues myself
StillwelNY (8:42:28 PM): r u there?
StillwelNY (8:42:33 PM): did i say the wrong thing?
SoftLord (8:42:52 PM): no, sorry
SoftLord (8:43:43 PM): just i guess let me know when you feel like you’re ina place where you have something to say about that stuff as it relates to our relationship and past and stuff
SoftLord (8:44:46 PM): doesn’t have to be now obviously
StillwelNY (8:47:36 PM): you want to know why i left bond street and you and charley
SoftLord (8:47:53 PM): no
SoftLord (8:48:00 PM): well i mean, thats not what i was asking
StillwelNY (8:48:18 PM): i am not sure what you are asking – are you?
StillwelNY (8:48:40 PM): do i feel terrible that things turned out the way they did ? i do
StillwelNY (8:49:31 PM): i feel sad and empty about having to leave you – on bond street
StillwelNY (8:50:17 PM): but i do not feel like i abandoned you since i left you with charley who has loved you alot and taken very good care of you
StillwelNY (8:51:06 PM): and i tried to see you as much as i could –
SoftLord (9:00:04 PM): i see
SoftLord (9:00:40 PM): i guess i just dont agree with that last part, but thats neither here nor there
SoftLord (9:12:22 PM): nor was there any other realistic way for it to work out any better
StillwelNY (9:17:47 PM): i am not sure what you are saying – there was lots of turmoil and lots of emotions at the time – and yes there were probably alot of things that could have been different – but i am not sure what you want to know or hear
SoftLord (9:21:50 PM): i dont agree that i was taken very good care of… but as i said, i dont really think it could have worked out better than it did
StillwelNY (9:33:11 PM): it would have been wonderful if we could have been a lot better – but there was alot going on
StillwelNY (9:34:09 PM): something totally different – it is the second time that aol said that somebody signed me on at another location
StillwelNY (9:34:21 PM): at a second location
SoftLord (9:34:24 PM): yes and i got left out in the cold to suffer through depression as divorce roadkill
SoftLord (9:34:27 PM): are you still on at work?
StillwelNY (9:34:55 PM): no
SoftLord (9:35:17 PM): are you sure?
SoftLord (9:35:22 PM): did you sign off?
StillwelNY (9:35:30 PM): i guess i am not sure
SoftLord (9:35:52 PM): if your computer wakes from sleep it registers on AIM as you going back to your computer and signing on again
SoftLord (9:35:59 PM): if you’re worried, you can change the password on your account
StillwelNY (9:36:09 PM): k
StillwelNY (9:36:46 PM): i was with you during for a long time during your depression
SoftLord (9:37:14 PM): trying to put me ina new high school
SoftLord (9:37:43 PM): brb
StillwelNY (9:37:45 PM): taking you to therapy – home schooling –
SoftLord (10:01:50 PM): fighting amongst yourselves while what i got was hit and called a sick child, enough that when i finally found a school i could handle i stayed there til 9 at night so i wouldn’t have to go home
StillwelNY (10:09:32 PM): i am sorry you had to go through that
SoftLord (10:14:16 PM): thanks… and i’m sorry you had to go through whatever else was going on there.
SoftLord (10:14:51 PM): but does that help you understand why its painful for me to go into a situation that would bring our familial relationship into sharp relief
StillwelNY (10:16:25 PM): yes –
SoftLord (10:17:13 PM): good
StillwelNY (10:17:52 PM): i need to go to sleep – it is late for me
SoftLord (10:17:59 PM): okie
StillwelNY (10:18:07 PM): i love you
SoftLord (10:18:21 PM): love you too, or i wouldn’t have brought it up.
StillwelNY (10:18:51 PM): good ———– night
���StillwelNY��� signed off at 10:19:08 PM.

Print Friendly, PDF & Email

Written by admin

February 16th, 2005 at 10:22 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

Leave a Reply