Private Journal – Keep Out.

Ramblings from a sparkly notebook

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– What is my block against really connectiong
– Can people connect to me only (i.e. one way street)
– Am i just not feeling the connection
– Running theme: I’m more “myself” (genuine) than other people
– Crushing repression of connection
-Other people feel connected to me, I feel nothing
– Would i be nearly as lonely if I actually felt connected toall the people who feel connected to me.
– Maybe i have a different definition
– Feel like I’m on autopilot still
– Fear of connection vs. Never learning how to connect
– What is the risk?
– Setting boundaries of intimacy (how much to share)
– Helping vs. Doing for someone

What If
-What if there isn’t someone to help me not be so lonely anymore, and I will be stuck feeling lonely forever
-what if i miss my opportunity to have someone like that
-what if people really are just out for themselves and all my attempts to connect will just lead to more people using me and giving nothing back
– whether my hangups about people are legitimate or totally unfounded, it feels like i’m destined not to have that real connection
-what if the people i need affection from the most are the same people that i cannot open myself up to. And what if the time for that affection to be meaningful has passed. Am I just going to be stuck feeling empty because I’m lacking something I can never have, doomed to find myself in one-way relationships while the will to continue is drained?
– what if knowing that you deserve to be loved doesn’t mean anything to anyone, and the only people who pick up on it are the same sociopaths i’ve populated my life with for years
– what if i wont be able to accept being really loved back

Have been spending time identifying and eliminating behaviours that assume or perpetrate unimportance
Now What

Written by admin

April 15th, 2005 at 12:14 am

Posted in Uncategorized

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