anybody because it says i’m logged on from
elsewhere..which is impossible..I never logged on from
work today.
SoftLord (8:54:20 P): your cell, maybe?
TheEternalMuse (8:54:28 P): i just checked…im not
logged on
SoftLord (8:54:45 P): when you sign on and you’re
signed on from another screen name it usually says
you can type "1" to sign off all theo ther locations
SoftLord (8:54:55 P): did that not happen?
TheEternalMuse (8:55:32 P): hmm..not sure if I did that
TheEternalMuse (8:55:49 P): omg last time…i forgot to
log off from work ..but i had the monitor off
TheEternalMuse (8:55:52 P): and our whole convo ws
there
TheEternalMuse (8:55:55 P): lol
SoftLord (8:55:59 P): heh
SoftLord (8:56:04 P): hope i didn’t say anything
embarrassing
TheEternalMuse (8:56:16 P): oh it was all sorts of
embarrassing. thank goodness nobody saw lol
SoftLord (8:56:24 P): uh oh
SoftLord (8:56:25 P): π
SoftLord (8:56:46 P): as long as it wasn’t our convo
from sunday night
SoftLord (8:56:49 P): π
TheEternalMuse (8:57:13 P): lol
TheEternalMuse (8:57:19 P): ricky was a young boy
TheEternalMuse (8:57:21 P): he had a heart of stone
SoftLord (8:57:29 P): that sucks for ricky
SoftLord (8:59:01 P): hearts werent meant to be
stone
TheEternalMuse (8:59:40 P): I really like this song
SoftLord (8:59:43 P): what is it
TheEternalMuse (8:59:49 P): 18 and life
SoftLord (8:59:51 P): oh
SoftLord (8:59:52 P): right
SoftLord (8:59:54 P): sorry
SoftLord (9:00:04 P): just came back from the rock n
roll church offices…thats who i’m spinning for
tomorrow
TheEternalMuse (9:00:21 P): what kind of music are u
spinning
SoftLord (9:00:27 P): stuff you like
SoftLord (9:00:31 P): 80s, rock, goth
SoftLord (9:00:44 P): bowie, depeche mode, t. rex,
guns n roses
TheEternalMuse (9:00:59 P): sweet!
SoftLord (9:01:05 P): should be a fun tim
SoftLord (9:01:05 P): e
SoftLord (9:01:10 P): trying to get trent to show up
TheEternalMuse (9:01:27 P): oh wow..i hope he does
SoftLord (9:02:10 P): it wouldn’t suck
SoftLord (9:02:36 P): a friend of mine knows him, so
TheEternalMuse (9:03:07 P): awesome
TheEternalMuse (9:03:16 P): hey..did u ever like that
song I just want you by ozzy osbourne
TheEternalMuse (9:03:21 P): from the ozzmosis album
SoftLord (9:03:27 P): ozzmosis is my fave ozzy record
TheEternalMuse (9:03:31 P): oh nice
TheEternalMuse (9:03:40 P): not my favorite album, but
certainly akick ass album
TheEternalMuse (9:03:49 P): I got it when it first came
out
SoftLord (9:04:12 P): i bought it after seeing the perry
mason video on mtv
SoftLord (9:04:21 P): that seems like such a long time
ago now, since they played a video on mtv
TheEternalMuse (9:06:10 P): i remember i just want
you..the video
SoftLord (9:06:20 P): i dont ask much, i just want you
TheEternalMuse (9:06:43 P): and see you on the other
side
SoftLord (9:07:09 P): i like ‘ghost behind my eyes’ too
TheEternalMuse (9:07:17 P): yeah, that was awesome
SoftLord (9:07:28 P): zakk’s shredding
TheEternalMuse (9:07:42 P): yes!!!
SoftLord (9:07:53 P): π
SoftLord (9:07:58 P): i like how you get excited about
stuff we agree on
TheEternalMuse (9:08:05 P): hahaha
TheEternalMuse (9:08:09 P): I’m a music junkie
SoftLord (9:08:12 P): i know
SoftLord (9:08:21 P): i was just saying i like it
TheEternalMuse (9:09:28 P): im listening to mr crowley
TheEternalMuse (9:09:31 P): guitar solo part
TheEternalMuse (9:09:36 P): sends shivers down my
spine
TheEternalMuse (9:09:39 P): guitar solos get to me
SoftLord (9:09:52 P): go put on some dream theater
its like all guitar solos
TheEternalMuse (9:09:58 P): i Kjnow i know
TheEternalMuse (9:10:00 P): lol
TheEternalMuse (9:10:08 P): choice music for music
nerds
SoftLord (9:10:16 P): speak for yourself, i’m a geek
TheEternalMuse (9:10:29 P): im a nerd
SoftLord (9:10:32 P): ok
TheEternalMuse (9:10:35 P): lol
TheEternalMuse (9:10:49 P): I’m definitely nerd
SoftLord (9:10:55 P): nothign wrong with that i guess
SoftLord (9:12:06 P): so miss nerd
TheEternalMuse (9:12:26 P): lloll
TheEternalMuse (9:12:37 P): cuz i do think i have a
poshness to me
TheEternalMuse (9:12:42 P): but i’m a definite nerd
SoftLord (9:12:51 P): ok π
SoftLord (9:13:03 P): you’re just Sonya
TheEternalMuse (9:13:08 P): sometimes im
sarcastic…and i usually feel bad
TheEternalMuse (9:13:11 P): lol
TheEternalMuse (9:13:14 P): i feel guilt
SoftLord (9:13:27 P): comes from being nicer than
your scene allows, i think
TheEternalMuse (9:13:52 P): I have no scene really
TheEternalMuse (9:13:59 P): I’m a scene whore…i visit
all scenes
SoftLord (9:14:06 P): well thats even worse
TheEternalMuse (9:14:07 P): and then i go into my own
corner
SoftLord (9:14:13 P): gotta play lowest common
denominator
TheEternalMuse (9:14:13 P): i dont belong
SoftLord (9:14:52 P): so yesterday and today talking
with you it hasn’t seemed like you really want any
company in your corner
TheEternalMuse (9:15:04 P): I’m a loner
TheEternalMuse (9:15:08 P): I mean i socialize
TheEternalMuse (9:15:11 P): but then i’m a loner
TheEternalMuse (9:15:22 P): I have lots of friends..but
nobody close
SoftLord (9:15:30 P): are you okay with that?
TheEternalMuse (9:15:33 P): yeah
TheEternalMuse (9:15:38 P): I have this wall up
SoftLord (9:15:41 P): yes i know
TheEternalMuse (9:15:47 P): i mean i always have
invitations and hang outs and stuff
TheEternalMuse (9:15:53 P): but emotionally I dont
really let anybody in
SoftLord (9:16:00 P): yes i know
TheEternalMuse (9:16:09 P): its’ served me well until
now…cant really think of anytime i’ve been really hurt
SoftLord (9:17:22 P): cause honestly… i have friends,
but anyone thats special to me, i need to know
that they’re going to let me in and vice versa, otherwise i dont necessarily feel like the relationship is worth the effort…if theres only so far i can see the person…i feel like
we’re on this planet to learn about ourselves and to connect with other people
SoftLord (9:17:55 P): i was like that for a long time… would never talk about myself, wouldn’t really let anyone except a few in and even then not that much… and then i realized
how horribly lonely i was
TheEternalMuse (9:18:06 P): see…I’m not lonely
SoftLord (9:18:07 P): and now i’m trying to let people in…certain people that i feel i can trust
TheEternalMuse (9:18:08 P): not at all
TheEternalMuse (9:18:14 P): I choose to be..’alone’
TheEternalMuse (9:18:19 P): i’m not yearning for companionship
SoftLord (9:18:23 P): ok
SoftLord (9:18:27 P): well then, i guess that’s that
TheEternalMuse (9:18:41 P): I think youre awesome and i’d definitely hold you closer than most
TheEternalMuse (9:18:50 P): my friend adam is one of those also
SoftLord (9:19:00 P): thanks, i think you’re awesome too…but i dont know if that can be enough for me
TheEternalMuse (9:19:09 P): wht do you mean
SoftLord (9:19:31 P): thinking about how to explain
SoftLord (9:22:37 P): it says in my myspace profile that i’m good at seeing through peoples BS facades… and thats true… but if i’m with someone or open myself up to someone i
need to know that they’re opening themselves up to me too… because what i end up really being interested in isn’t necessarily someone’s looks or their surface personality, but
what i see inside them…and getting access to that part of someone… what i think people call intimacy… and if i know at the outset that someone is just fine with being totally
closed off from that happening, then it ends up just being me wanting to get behind the wall and resenting the person for not letting me in enough to really kiss their soul, and i
really dont want to resent you…i’ve had a lot of relationships that were like that and they hurt
SoftLord (9:23:27 P): and yeah fine the aesthetic and the humor and the cd collection and everything are definite attractors, but they’re all part of the rest
SoftLord (9:24:36 P): up until 03, i would always have a girl in my life who i was very attracted to where we’d basically be everything-but-the-intimacy dating…except they would
be really dating someone else and i wouldn’t…i’d always be the shoulder to cry on, the person to rant about other boys, the "why can’t i find someone like you"… duckie,
basically
SoftLord (9:25:02 P): but i stuck around because i could see them, what i felt was the ‘real’ them, and that part attracted me
TheEternalMuse (9:25:08 P): wht are you asking of me?
SoftLord (9:25:12 P): and i put myself through such BS
SoftLord (9:30:05 P): i dont really know… i know this kinda seems like our interaction isn’t at this point yet…but … i dunno… i know you dont play games, but i kinda feel
mixed-messagey.. the .. i’m attracted to you but i need to see if somethings gonna happen with the guy who ive been crushing on for a month who i see all the time and doesnt
know i exist (even though for someone to have you on their radar and not act on it one way or the other for a month, i think theyd have to be blind, engaged or just a total
moron), the "you turn me on so much" but stuff gets rescheduled (And yes i know you’re a busy girl)… i guess i just kinda would like to know where you’d ideally see me fitting
into your life for the next few weeks, so i know how excited to be that we’ve met
SoftLord (9:30:50 P): and i’m not blaming you for the mixed signals…i know about the weird transition period stuff and the in a weird place stuff
TheEternalMuse (9:33:07 P): I dont think he doesnt notice me
SoftLord (9:33:11 P): i just cant do the ‘maybe she likes me as a friend maybe she likes me as boyfriend material i guess ill never know until something definitive happens but oh
wait every time i try to see her there are other plans’ thing again… and i know parts of this is not your stuff its my stuff, but you said on friday that we should be honest, so
here i am being honest
TheEternalMuse (9:33:48 P): look i dont want to lead you on because i’m mad about this other guy
TheEternalMuse (9:33:51 P): and i’ve been telling u this
TheEternalMuse (9:33:59 P): and i’m sorry if I was honest to tell u that i am attracted to you
SoftLord (9:34:01 P): but you also told me that i shouldnt back off
TheEternalMuse (9:34:16 P): but i’m mad about t his other guy and i’m not exploring my options right now
TheEternalMuse (9:34:26 P): just focussing on him
TheEternalMuse (9:34:38 P): I cant focus on other options until i know for sure
TheEternalMuse (9:34:41 P): with this other dude
SoftLord (9:34:53 P): doesn’t seem like you’re doing very much to figure that out though…maybe i’m wrong
SoftLord (9:35:11 P): dont be sorry… you can see though how it might put me in an uncomfortable positoin
TheEternalMuse (9:35:35 P): I dont do anything about it because I get very nervous around this guy
TheEternalMuse (9:35:37 P): i cant breath
TheEternalMuse (9:35:41 P): i cant do anything
TheEternalMuse (9:35:45 P): i become immobile
TheEternalMuse (9:35:51 P): he does stare at m e a lot
TheEternalMuse (9:35:54 P): which I think is a good sign
TheEternalMuse (9:36:08 P): and when i do try to talk to him..i sound like a complete dumb moronic valley girl
TheEternalMuse (9:36:18 P): so until i can calm my nerves..ill make no attempts
SoftLord (9:36:45 P): ok well… you can see how i wouldn’t want to be in a holding pattern until something that may or may not ever happen actually happens
TheEternalMuse (9:38:08 P): but are you understanding me
TheEternalMuse (9:38:14 P): i’m not trying to see how things go with others
TheEternalMuse (9:38:22 P): until I achieve a resolution with the feelings i do have
SoftLord (9:42:07 P): and i guess i’m saying that i’m kind of feeling like i dont feel so okay with just hanging out until you decide if you’re really going to marry this guy, when i
guess i feel like there is definitively potential for something between us whereas there may or may not be something between you and this other fellow…
TheEternalMuse (9:43:43 P): Yeah, but feelings aren’t up for analysis…they either are or they arent…and they really are towards this guy..and have been for a while now. Even if things were not to
have worked out with this guy…it’s not like i’d be over him anytime soon. i’ve never felt this way ..ever.
SoftLord (9:44:05 P): ok so you’re saying that i shouldn’t be pursuing
TheEternalMuse (9:44:23 P): not now for sure
SoftLord (9:44:35 P): ok well then i guess that’s that.
TheEternalMuse (9:44:50 P): I thought you were clear about this
SoftLord (9:46:27 P): what i heard from you is that you think i’m awesome and i turn you on and we have a lot in common and have opened up to each other, but theres someone
that you have a thing for that you were hoping to resolve one way or the other, but you didn’t want me to back off since there still could be something here
TheEternalMuse (9:46:47 P): I didn tell u not to back off though
TheEternalMuse (9:46:57 P): i just let u do ..what u felt was appropriate
TheEternalMuse (9:47:06 P): I mean i came out and told u i was in luv with somebodu
TheEternalMuse (9:47:18 P): I didnt think i had to spell out every detail
TheEternalMuse (9:47:25 P): that would be enough for most ppl
TheEternalMuse (9:47:48 P): if somebody toldme they were in luv with somebody..i’d just back off the pursuit..and if i dug them enough..be cool being friends for the time being.
TheEternalMuse (9:47:52 P): but then again..thats me
TheEternalMuse (9:49:44 P): i thought u meant u were gonna stop talking to me for good
TheEternalMuse (9:50:20 P): hence the i like having u around very much and youre awesome
SoftLord (9:50:24 P): and you didn’t say you were in love you said you had a crush… if you can’t even tlak to someone how would you know if you’re in love
TheEternalMuse (9:50:37 P): the crush keeps getting bigger
TheEternalMuse (9:50:46 P): today I was convinced i must be in luv with the guy
SoftLord (9:51:10 P): well maybe there was a misunderstanding…but what i took from that was, whether or not yuo’re have feelings for this other guy should not preclude me from
pursuing something with you
TheEternalMuse (9:51:19 P): NO
TheEternalMuse (9:51:22 P): tha’s not what i meant at all
TheEternalMuse (9:51:26 P): i meant dont drop out of my life
SoftLord (9:51:56 P): honestly, the most painful relationship i can think of right now is "just being friends" with someone i have feelings for
TheEternalMuse (9:52:35 P): im sorry..it’s not like I led u on
SoftLord (9:52:44 P): i just can’t do the "hey you
never know, maybe someday something will
happen"
TheEternalMuse (9:52:56 P): well im not saying that
either
SoftLord (9:53:01 P): yes i know
SoftLord (9:53:08 P): but i’d be saying it to myself to
justify sticking around
TheEternalMuse (9:53:12 P): I mean by no means do not
wait …do as you please…but this is my situation right
now.
TheEternalMuse (9:53:27 P): so say that u and i never
flirted…u never would have been my friend?
SoftLord (9:53:42 P): thats not it at all
SoftLord (9:54:08 P): if we never flirted or took it to
that level i wouldve been okay with a friendship
because thats all it could have been
TheEternalMuse (9:54:40 P): I dont know what to tell
you
SoftLord (9:54:40 P): i’m friends with several
attractive girls i think are awesome but dont have
romantic feelings for
TheEternalMuse (9:55:01 P): I dig you a lot, but if i’m
gonna be a nuisance in your life th en….well the ‘then’ is
up to you.
SoftLord (9:55:19 P): but not in the way i’d like for
you to
SoftLord (9:55:43 P): er…not that wishing would make
it so, certainly…thats just crazy talk
SoftLord (9:56:39 P): its like…once that line is crossed
and that door is opened just a crack its nay
impossible to shut it again as if it was never
opened
SoftLord (9:56:40 P): at least for me
SoftLord (9:57:05 P): its different for different people,
i guess
SoftLord (9:59:46 P): i’m gonna need a bit of time to
work this out… i mean obvs you wont be out of my
life cause of work… and i honestly do hope you
find what you’re looking for with that guy
SoftLord (10:00:01 P): its my own pattern i’m trying to
break
TheEternalMuse (10:00:11 P): ok
SoftLord (10:00:47 P): i have to eat something i forgot
to have lunch again
SoftLord (10:01:00 P): bbiab possibly, might to right to
bed
SoftLord (10:01:04 P): go, rather
TheEternalMuse (10:01:42 P): alright
TheEternalMuse (10:01:44 P): bon appetit
SoftLord (10:01:48 P): quite.