sdcjournal

TheEternalMuse (8:54:04 P): hey…i’m afraid to IM
anybody because it says i’m logged on from
elsewhere..which is impossible..I never logged on from
work today.

SoftLord (8:54:20 P): your cell, maybe?

TheEternalMuse (8:54:28 P): i just checked…im not
logged on

SoftLord (8:54:45 P): when you sign on and you’re
signed on from another screen name it usually says
you can type "1" to sign off all theo ther locations

SoftLord (8:54:55 P): did that not happen?

TheEternalMuse (8:55:32 P): hmm..not sure if I did that

TheEternalMuse (8:55:49 P): omg last time…i forgot to
log off from work ..but i had the monitor off

TheEternalMuse (8:55:52 P): and our whole convo ws
there

TheEternalMuse (8:55:55 P): lol

SoftLord (8:55:59 P): heh

SoftLord (8:56:04 P): hope i didn’t say anything
embarrassing

TheEternalMuse (8:56:16 P): oh it was all sorts of
embarrassing. thank goodness nobody saw lol

SoftLord (8:56:24 P): uh oh

SoftLord (8:56:25 P): 😉

SoftLord (8:56:46 P): as long as it wasn’t our convo
from sunday night

SoftLord (8:56:49 P): 😛

TheEternalMuse (8:57:13 P): lol

TheEternalMuse (8:57:19 P): ricky was a young boy

TheEternalMuse (8:57:21 P): he had a heart of stone

SoftLord (8:57:29 P): that sucks for ricky

SoftLord (8:59:01 P): hearts werent meant to be
stone

TheEternalMuse (8:59:40 P): I really like this song

SoftLord (8:59:43 P): what is it

TheEternalMuse (8:59:49 P): 18 and life

SoftLord (8:59:51 P): oh

SoftLord (8:59:52 P): right

SoftLord (8:59:54 P): sorry

SoftLord (9:00:04 P): just came back from the rock n
roll church offices…thats who i’m spinning for
tomorrow

TheEternalMuse (9:00:21 P): what kind of music are u
spinning

SoftLord (9:00:27 P): stuff you like

SoftLord (9:00:31 P): 80s, rock, goth

SoftLord (9:00:44 P): bowie, depeche mode, t. rex,
guns n roses

TheEternalMuse (9:00:59 P): sweet!

SoftLord (9:01:05 P): should be a fun tim

SoftLord (9:01:05 P): e

SoftLord (9:01:10 P): trying to get trent to show up

TheEternalMuse (9:01:27 P): oh wow..i hope he does

SoftLord (9:02:10 P): it wouldn’t suck

SoftLord (9:02:36 P): a friend of mine knows him, so

TheEternalMuse (9:03:07 P): awesome

TheEternalMuse (9:03:16 P): hey..did u ever like that
song I just want you by ozzy osbourne

TheEternalMuse (9:03:21 P): from the ozzmosis album

SoftLord (9:03:27 P): ozzmosis is my fave ozzy record

TheEternalMuse (9:03:31 P): oh nice

TheEternalMuse (9:03:40 P): not my favorite album, but
certainly akick ass album

TheEternalMuse (9:03:49 P): I got it when it first came
out

SoftLord (9:04:12 P): i bought it after seeing the perry
mason video on mtv

SoftLord (9:04:21 P): that seems like such a long time
ago now, since they played a video on mtv

TheEternalMuse (9:06:10 P): i remember i just want
you..the video

SoftLord (9:06:20 P): i dont ask much, i just want you

TheEternalMuse (9:06:43 P): and see you on the other
side

SoftLord (9:07:09 P): i like ‘ghost behind my eyes’ too

TheEternalMuse (9:07:17 P): yeah, that was awesome

SoftLord (9:07:28 P): zakk’s shredding

TheEternalMuse (9:07:42 P): yes!!!

SoftLord (9:07:53 P): 🙂

SoftLord (9:07:58 P): i like how you get excited about
stuff we agree on

TheEternalMuse (9:08:05 P): hahaha

TheEternalMuse (9:08:09 P): I’m a music junkie

SoftLord (9:08:12 P): i know

SoftLord (9:08:21 P): i was just saying i like it

TheEternalMuse (9:09:28 P): im listening to mr crowley

TheEternalMuse (9:09:31 P): guitar solo part

TheEternalMuse (9:09:36 P): sends shivers down my
spine

TheEternalMuse (9:09:39 P): guitar solos get to me

SoftLord (9:09:52 P): go put on some dream theater
its like all guitar solos

TheEternalMuse (9:09:58 P): i Kjnow i know

TheEternalMuse (9:10:00 P): lol

TheEternalMuse (9:10:08 P): choice music for music
nerds

SoftLord (9:10:16 P): speak for yourself, i’m a geek

TheEternalMuse (9:10:29 P): im a nerd

SoftLord (9:10:32 P): ok

TheEternalMuse (9:10:35 P): lol

TheEternalMuse (9:10:49 P): I’m definitely nerd

SoftLord (9:10:55 P): nothign wrong with that i guess

SoftLord (9:12:06 P): so miss nerd

TheEternalMuse (9:12:26 P): lloll

TheEternalMuse (9:12:37 P): cuz i do think i have a
poshness to me

TheEternalMuse (9:12:42 P): but i’m a definite nerd

SoftLord (9:12:51 P): ok 🙂

SoftLord (9:13:03 P): you’re just Sonya

TheEternalMuse (9:13:08 P): sometimes im
sarcastic…and i usually feel bad

TheEternalMuse (9:13:11 P): lol

TheEternalMuse (9:13:14 P): i feel guilt

SoftLord (9:13:27 P): comes from being nicer than
your scene allows, i think

TheEternalMuse (9:13:52 P): I have no scene really

TheEternalMuse (9:13:59 P): I’m a scene whore…i visit
all scenes

SoftLord (9:14:06 P): well thats even worse

TheEternalMuse (9:14:07 P): and then i go into my own
corner

SoftLord (9:14:13 P): gotta play lowest common
denominator

TheEternalMuse (9:14:13 P): i dont belong

SoftLord (9:14:52 P): so yesterday and today talking
with you it hasn’t seemed like you really want any
company in your corner

TheEternalMuse (9:15:04 P): I’m a loner

TheEternalMuse (9:15:08 P): I mean i socialize

TheEternalMuse (9:15:11 P): but then i’m a loner

TheEternalMuse (9:15:22 P): I have lots of friends..but
nobody close

SoftLord (9:15:30 P): are you okay with that?

TheEternalMuse (9:15:33 P): yeah

TheEternalMuse (9:15:38 P): I have this wall up

SoftLord (9:15:41 P): yes i know

TheEternalMuse (9:15:47 P): i mean i always have
invitations and hang outs and stuff

TheEternalMuse (9:15:53 P): but emotionally I dont
really let anybody in

SoftLord (9:16:00 P): yes i know

TheEternalMuse (9:16:09 P): its’ served me well until
now…cant really think of anytime i’ve been really hurt

SoftLord (9:17:22 P): cause honestly… i have friends,
but anyone thats special to me, i need to know
that they’re going to let me in and vice versa, otherwise i dont necessarily feel like the relationship is worth the effort…if theres only so far i can see the person…i feel like
we’re on this planet to learn about ourselves and to connect with other people

SoftLord (9:17:55 P): i was like that for a long time… would never talk about myself, wouldn’t really let anyone except a few in and even then not that much… and then i realized
how horribly lonely i was

TheEternalMuse (9:18:06 P): see…I’m not lonely

SoftLord (9:18:07 P): and now i’m trying to let people in…certain people that i feel i can trust

TheEternalMuse (9:18:08 P): not at all

TheEternalMuse (9:18:14 P): I choose to be..’alone’

TheEternalMuse (9:18:19 P): i’m not yearning for companionship

SoftLord (9:18:23 P): ok

SoftLord (9:18:27 P): well then, i guess that’s that

TheEternalMuse (9:18:41 P): I think youre awesome and i’d definitely hold you closer than most

TheEternalMuse (9:18:50 P): my friend adam is one of those also

SoftLord (9:19:00 P): thanks, i think you’re awesome too…but i dont know if that can be enough for me

TheEternalMuse (9:19:09 P): wht do you mean

SoftLord (9:19:31 P): thinking about how to explain

SoftLord (9:22:37 P): it says in my myspace profile that i’m good at seeing through peoples BS facades… and thats true… but if i’m with someone or open myself up to someone i
need to know that they’re opening themselves up to me too… because what i end up really being interested in isn’t necessarily someone’s looks or their surface personality, but
what i see inside them…and getting access to that part of someone… what i think people call intimacy… and if i know at the outset that someone is just fine with being totally
closed off from that happening, then it ends up just being me wanting to get behind the wall and resenting the person for not letting me in enough to really kiss their soul, and i
really dont want to resent you…i’ve had a lot of relationships that were like that and they hurt

SoftLord (9:23:27 P): and yeah fine the aesthetic and the humor and the cd collection and everything are definite attractors, but they’re all part of the rest

SoftLord (9:24:36 P): up until 03, i would always have a girl in my life who i was very attracted to where we’d basically be everything-but-the-intimacy dating…except they would
be really dating someone else and i wouldn’t…i’d always be the shoulder to cry on, the person to rant about other boys, the "why can’t i find someone like you"… duckie,
basically

SoftLord (9:25:02 P): but i stuck around because i could see them, what i felt was the ‘real’ them, and that part attracted me

TheEternalMuse (9:25:08 P): wht are you asking of me?

SoftLord (9:25:12 P): and i put myself through such BS

SoftLord (9:30:05 P): i dont really know… i know this kinda seems like our interaction isn’t at this point yet…but … i dunno… i know you dont play games, but i kinda feel
mixed-messagey.. the .. i’m attracted to you but i need to see if somethings gonna happen with the guy who ive been crushing on for a month who i see all the time and doesnt
know i exist (even though for someone to have you on their radar and not act on it one way or the other for a month, i think theyd have to be blind, engaged or just a total
moron), the "you turn me on so much" but stuff gets rescheduled (And yes i know you’re a busy girl)… i guess i just kinda would like to know where you’d ideally see me fitting
into your life for the next few weeks, so i know how excited to be that we’ve met

SoftLord (9:30:50 P): and i’m not blaming you for the mixed signals…i know about the weird transition period stuff and the in a weird place stuff

TheEternalMuse (9:33:07 P): I dont think he doesnt notice me

SoftLord (9:33:11 P): i just cant do the ‘maybe she likes me as a friend maybe she likes me as boyfriend material i guess ill never know until something definitive happens but oh
wait every time i try to see her there are other plans’ thing again… and i know parts of this is not your stuff its my stuff, but you said on friday that we should be honest, so
here i am being honest

TheEternalMuse (9:33:48 P): look i dont want to lead you on because i’m mad about this other guy

TheEternalMuse (9:33:51 P): and i’ve been telling u this

TheEternalMuse (9:33:59 P): and i’m sorry if I was honest to tell u that i am attracted to you

SoftLord (9:34:01 P): but you also told me that i shouldnt back off

TheEternalMuse (9:34:16 P): but i’m mad about t his other guy and i’m not exploring my options right now

TheEternalMuse (9:34:26 P): just focussing on him

TheEternalMuse (9:34:38 P): I cant focus on other options until i know for sure

TheEternalMuse (9:34:41 P): with this other dude

SoftLord (9:34:53 P): doesn’t seem like you’re doing very much to figure that out though…maybe i’m wrong

SoftLord (9:35:11 P): dont be sorry… you can see though how it might put me in an uncomfortable positoin

TheEternalMuse (9:35:35 P): I dont do anything about it because I get very nervous around this guy

TheEternalMuse (9:35:37 P): i cant breath

TheEternalMuse (9:35:41 P): i cant do anything

TheEternalMuse (9:35:45 P): i become immobile

TheEternalMuse (9:35:51 P): he does stare at m e a lot

TheEternalMuse (9:35:54 P): which I think is a good sign

TheEternalMuse (9:36:08 P): and when i do try to talk to him..i sound like a complete dumb moronic valley girl

TheEternalMuse (9:36:18 P): so until i can calm my nerves..ill make no attempts

SoftLord (9:36:45 P): ok well… you can see how i wouldn’t want to be in a holding pattern until something that may or may not ever happen actually happens

TheEternalMuse (9:38:08 P): but are you understanding me

TheEternalMuse (9:38:14 P): i’m not trying to see how things go with others

TheEternalMuse (9:38:22 P): until I achieve a resolution with the feelings i do have

SoftLord (9:42:07 P): and i guess i’m saying that i’m kind of feeling like i dont feel so okay with just hanging out until you decide if you’re really going to marry this guy, when i
guess i feel like there is definitively potential for something between us whereas there may or may not be something between you and this other fellow…

TheEternalMuse (9:43:43 P): Yeah, but feelings aren’t up for analysis…they either are or they arent…and they really are towards this guy..and have been for a while now. Even if things were not to
have worked out with this guy…it’s not like i’d be over him anytime soon. i’ve never felt this way ..ever.

SoftLord (9:44:05 P): ok so you’re saying that i shouldn’t be pursuing

TheEternalMuse (9:44:23 P): not now for sure

SoftLord (9:44:35 P): ok well then i guess that’s that.

TheEternalMuse (9:44:50 P): I thought you were clear about this

SoftLord (9:46:27 P): what i heard from you is that you think i’m awesome and i turn you on and we have a lot in common and have opened up to each other, but theres someone
that you have a thing for that you were hoping to resolve one way or the other, but you didn’t want me to back off since there still could be something here

TheEternalMuse (9:46:47 P): I didn tell u not to back off though

TheEternalMuse (9:46:57 P): i just let u do ..what u felt was appropriate

TheEternalMuse (9:47:06 P): I mean i came out and told u i was in luv with somebodu

TheEternalMuse (9:47:18 P): I didnt think i had to spell out every detail

TheEternalMuse (9:47:25 P): that would be enough for most ppl

TheEternalMuse (9:47:48 P): if somebody toldme they were in luv with somebody..i’d just back off the pursuit..and if i dug them enough..be cool being friends for the time being.

TheEternalMuse (9:47:52 P): but then again..thats me

TheEternalMuse (9:49:44 P): i thought u meant u were gonna stop talking to me for good

TheEternalMuse (9:50:20 P): hence the i like having u around very much and youre awesome

SoftLord (9:50:24 P): and you didn’t say you were in love you said you had a crush… if you can’t even tlak to someone how would you know if you’re in love

TheEternalMuse (9:50:37 P): the crush keeps getting bigger

TheEternalMuse (9:50:46 P): today I was convinced i must be in luv with the guy

SoftLord (9:51:10 P): well maybe there was a misunderstanding…but what i took from that was, whether or not yuo’re have feelings for this other guy should not preclude me from
pursuing something with you

TheEternalMuse (9:51:19 P): NO

TheEternalMuse (9:51:22 P): tha’s not what i meant at all

TheEternalMuse (9:51:26 P): i meant dont drop out of my life

SoftLord (9:51:56 P): honestly, the most painful relationship i can think of right now is "just being friends" with someone i have feelings for

TheEternalMuse (9:52:35 P): im sorry..it’s not like I led u on

SoftLord (9:52:44 P): i just can’t do the "hey you
never know, maybe someday something will
happen"

TheEternalMuse (9:52:56 P): well im not saying that
either

SoftLord (9:53:01 P): yes i know

SoftLord (9:53:08 P): but i’d be saying it to myself to
justify sticking around

TheEternalMuse (9:53:12 P): I mean by no means do not
wait …do as you please…but this is my situation right
now.

TheEternalMuse (9:53:27 P): so say that u and i never
flirted…u never would have been my friend?

SoftLord (9:53:42 P): thats not it at all

SoftLord (9:54:08 P): if we never flirted or took it to
that level i wouldve been okay with a friendship
because thats all it could have been

TheEternalMuse (9:54:40 P): I dont know what to tell
you

SoftLord (9:54:40 P): i’m friends with several
attractive girls i think are awesome but dont have
romantic feelings for

TheEternalMuse (9:55:01 P): I dig you a lot, but if i’m
gonna be a nuisance in your life th en….well the ‘then’ is
up to you.

SoftLord (9:55:19 P): but not in the way i’d like for
you to

SoftLord (9:55:43 P): er…not that wishing would make
it so, certainly…thats just crazy talk

SoftLord (9:56:39 P): its like…once that line is crossed
and that door is opened just a crack its nay
impossible to shut it again as if it was never
opened

SoftLord (9:56:40 P): at least for me

SoftLord (9:57:05 P): its different for different people,
i guess

SoftLord (9:59:46 P): i’m gonna need a bit of time to
work this out… i mean obvs you wont be out of my
life cause of work… and i honestly do hope you
find what you’re looking for with that guy

SoftLord (10:00:01 P): its my own pattern i’m trying to
break

TheEternalMuse (10:00:11 P): ok

SoftLord (10:00:47 P): i have to eat something i forgot
to have lunch again

SoftLord (10:01:00 P): bbiab possibly, might to right to
bed

SoftLord (10:01:04 P): go, rather

TheEternalMuse (10:01:42 P): alright

TheEternalMuse (10:01:44 P): bon appetit

SoftLord (10:01:48 P): quite.

OK. stream of consciousness no.w…why am i so intimidated to write this entry…theres so much rolling around in my mind that i need to get out…maybe i should go back to therapy, but i still have the same block gainst it and i dont want it to be on someone elses terms…is that self-defeating or something that i need to do?

I feel like i’ve come a lone way and yet i’m still stuck with the same shit issues that i really want to get through…i dont want to be one of those people who are in and out of depressiontheir entire lives, though it looks like thats where i am for the moment…. I have a gig with ALex English tomorrow and wednesday and thursday shilling for MAxtor, so i went backto bond street to get all my DJ equipment and figured i could just cash there, but by the time i got there i was feeling really tense and ….like less of a person… so i packed stuff up and snuck out… i guess my dad got it, since he hasn’t called me…i almost wish he would… i have suck fucked up feelings about him till…. just trying to get my balance… i still dont look after myself nearly as much as i should, i go with what other people want me to do rather than what i want to do, although my mom would disagree,then again she’s one of the poeple telling me what to do altohough i’m sure she has my best interests at heart…. i just dont really have anyone in my life who can be objective, and Sue is nto a very good listener, i’m gfinding…she has her own shit to deal with and she deals with it by steamrolling over other peo9ple… but enough about her….

I’m really feeling like i need a change of scenery… this city is becoming claustrophobic… i know it sounds weird coming from someone whos routine does not generally deviate outside of 8 or 9 blocks in the entire city, but walking around downtown makes me feel weird because its near my old living grounds, and walking around my new neighborhood just seems kinda lonely and pointless plus i dont want to get lost.

It’s getting to be winter, my traditional hibernating season….though who am i kidding, every season is hibernating season… I’m really hoping that htis apple job comes thorugh, if only to give ma a reason to get out of this place and into something new…wow…i felt that… i guess its something that i want to do rather thatn something other people want and i dont care enough about myself to object to.

My job is painfully boring, and when it gets painfully boring i 1) get stuck not doing work and not keeping myself busy and therefore 2) get into my ownhead too much….. Sometimes i wish that the traditional means of “escape” worked for me (booze, drugs, sex, partying, whatever), but they dont hold that atrtaction that they do for other people.l…. i guess i dont really have it that bad, then again i really really do. I feel as usual realy old for my age, developmentally advanced in every way except the self-reliance.

I have this book on abandonment that seems to address a lot of the things I go ththrough, be it with women, alone or in general… It suggests visualizing your “inner child” and your adult self and really strigving to pay attention to what the child has to say. This resonates with me because 8i can hear the voice of my younger self sabotaging my happ9iness and crying out for its own needs…my needs… however, the few times i’ve tried the exercises, i find that either there is a gilmy womblike barrier between the child and my adult self (like a bubble or a condom, almost) or some kind of language difference… also, sometimes when i can hear things clearly, i dont knowhow to respond to what i’m asking myself for. I know that i dont have that inner “no matter what i always have myself and ill never leave me” loop that other people have humming in the background, and i really really want to learn how to have it, but … no but i guess its just like a rusty engine trying to start up…in a car with no wheels and a blind driver.

There are timnes when i can feel myself sinking into a derpession, and i need to figure out more ways of addressing what’s going on when that happens.. my mom’s advice is always to distract myself, but that doesn’t work for me, and i dont think it works for her…i manged to make her cry the other week… we were talking about theaforementioned book and she asked me what i thought about the abandonment issues and stuff and i said that sometimes it’s uncomfortable discussing these things with her… which i guess really got to her becuse she gave me 5 minutes on how everyones lfe is difficult and how she thought she could help but maybe she can’t and started crying and paid the check and left ironically wihtout saying goodbye, though i dont think she got the irony.

Neither of my arents are very emotionally supportive. They are rationally supportive and verbally supportive, but i never really get the sense that theres much in the way of emotion behind it unless its of the negative or shameful kind.

God, my role models for such things are so fucked up…its no wonder i panic very time a girl shows me the slightest interest…because lets be fair, I havn’t actively been interested in someone since… maybe ever without some prompting from the other side…i guess thats part of what gets me in trouble…. i dontknow what i want, and yet i ,know how i want to feel when i’m with someone. I’m comfroted to see some great girls every once in awhile though, to know that they’re not all myspace attentionwhores or girly girls or needy clingy psychopaths.

I ho-pe i’m not putting too much weight on the apple job…its by no means a sure thing, although i do know a lot of the people there…i do hpe it comes thothrough, although i’ve been thinking about what i do for a living lately and basically its putting gold stars on shit and trying to serve it as meatloaf…and even when its not, it is…the hwole industry is based on deception and it makes me uncomfortable, because i’m so focused on trying to be true to myself and true to those around me, and integrity is very important to me, or so my old therapist says, but i think it’s true. I wish i cold find something where i could be honest with people and vice versa, something built on reality and not the masking of reality.

I need to figure out the specific block i have against doing things that are good for me…i can feel it and almost touch it, but its pushes back raelly hard…although i dont go out of my way to hurt myself (other than perhaps not being int he absolute peak physica condition and putting myself in situations where i know i’m gonna get hurt and taking things personally that i shouldn’t take personally and…..shit.) i dont really go out of my way to fulfill myself, and i’d like to be able to do that instead of indulging myself all the time…if only i knew one from the other and felt like i had the strength to choose…..

So thats generally where I am…i’m sure i’ll have more to add at some point in the future, but i do feel ‘lighter’ so I think here is where i stop for now, unless i come up with something interesting before bed.

I love you.

Meaning me.

Baby steps.

strong women can help themselves? well then what would they need me for?

I’m kidding, sort of.

Seriously, i feel like interacting with a girl that i have a thing for has scratched a scab and now i’m bleeding inside (to be a bit flowery and melodramatic)

I dont know what i hate more, how i feel or knowing that this is how my body reacts when i’m interested in someone. This is not how i’m supposed to feel.

But i understand where it comes from… in my brain, me getting involved in a serious relationship means i will get left behind like my mom left me behind, and i’m terrified of that so i second-guess my interest, become obsessed with taking everything really personally ( like if we’re talking online and she doesn’t answer a message for a few minutes that its somehow a sign that she doesn’t want to be talking to me), and like i have to either try really hard to be superhelpful and look after her problems or specifically avoid that so she’s still attracted to me and doesn’t just start thinking of me as a friend.. and then i just start thinking that the whole thing isn’t worth it and that i should just not be attracted to her anymore, which is winning at the moment…my brain is already like … ok that obviously didn’t work… next… and i’m not feeling as into her as i have been… of course i haven’t seen her since monday..but even looking at her pictures on her website just makes me uncomfortable

i guess theres just a lot to process and it kinda feels like my perception of disinterest is my brain shutting it down to try to plug the hole, if you know what i mean.

anyway, i started this email an hour ago, and since then i’ve had a conversation with her and it was like a switch got tripped as she was saying things like

TheEternalMuse (9:33:48 P): look i dont want to lead you on because i’m mad about this other guy
TheEternalMuse (9:33:51 P): and i’ve been telling u this
TheEternalMuse (9:33:59 P): and i’m sorry if I was honest to tell u that i am attracted to you
SoftLord (9:34:01 P): but you also told me that i shouldnt back off
TheEternalMuse (9:34:16 P): but i’m mad about t his other guy and i’m not exploring my options right now
TheEternalMuse (9:34:26 P): just focussing on him
TheEternalMuse (9:34:38 P): I cant focus on other options until i know for sure
TheEternalMuse (9:34:41 P): with this other dude

and it was like “hey! i know this! this is the same BS i put up with from Alex and from 4 or 5 girls before that!” and then after that it was pretty easy just to end it before i got dragged into another ‘theres no relationship here but im gonna put up with lots of shit because i want there to be’ thing… so basically she’s in a place wher eshe doesn’t know what she wants…but that means that she doesn’t definitively want me, and I’m not willing to settle for that kind of relationship anymore
so
on the upside i think this experience makes me want to take a look at trying to resolve things so i dont go all psychotic paranoid control freak whenever ifind someone i’m interested in…. because, you know… what i can’t control could leave me…thanks daddy!

On a slightly unrelated note, i might be offered a job working for Apple on their iTunes music store… i had dinner with Thuy-An (who’s my itunes label contact) and she basically asked if i knew anyone who might want ot come work for the new itunes movie store, and had thought of me first because i know a lot of the movie studio people because i work on a lot of soundtracks.

the money would be great (about 30k more than i’m making now), and full benefits and everything… the only caveat is that it would be in california, about 30 miles from san francisco… my friends have made the good point that i’m at a unique place in my life where there isn’t really anything specific tying me to new york.

so, we’ll see what happens hopefully in the next few weeks.

I know i’m talking your ear off here, but i really do value your opinion, as you have been one of the most pragmatic influences on my life in recent years. Would it be okay to continue this discussion sometime? I know you’ve moved on in your professional life, so if you feel imposed upon please do let me know.

I’m thinking that i’m going to wait to see what apple says before deciding whether to go to a therapist here or there.. do you think the guy Steven that you recommended would be a good match for where i am now?

enjoy the lovely fall weather!

-Jeremy
—–Original Message—–
From: MARYRUTHC@aol.com [mailto:MARYRUTHC@aol.com]
Sent: Wednesday, November 02, 2005 9:59 A
To: softlord@pobox.com
Subject: Re: An update.

Just a note of caution. Your caretaker role is very strong, and strong women have to be able to get themselves out of the dumps good luck. Mary Ruth

—–Original Message—–
From: MARYRUTHC@aol.com [mailto:MARYRUTHC@aol.com]
Sent: Wednesday, November 02, 2005 7:59 A
To: softlord@pobox.com
Subject: Re: An update.

Jeremy, Good to get your update. I haven’t gone to your couch picture, but it seems like things are shaping up for you.

Good Go on not hanging around while Sonya decides if she has something going with this other fellow. Being interested in someone is exhilirating and challenging. It sounds as if you are not losing yourself though and it natural to feel a little insecure because you are investing yourself.

Reading about issues is a useful tool The value of a thereapist is that you can discuss your reactions to feelings and get some feedback about things that the therapist hears from you, things you may not have thought about (which is time saving) and explore even further what these feelings mean and what you might want to do with them.

Just some thoughts, and you sound on track. You indicated that you are listening to your inner self when you spoke about the way you are interacting with your father.

======
Response:

Things are changing their alignment, it feels like new things are coming into focus… the onion skin/mobile thing, if you like.

To clarify, i didn’t necessarily mean that i was giving up and moving on…its more like….if this is what she needs to focus on in order to make it okay to have someone interested in her that she connects with, then let her do it… my friend Kristie (who always gives sage advice and who’s known me a long time) tends to think that its a BS safety net, and I’m inclined to think that too…regardless it’s real to her, and i know i have my own safety nets, so indulging her seems like not too much of a sacrifice for the time being.

I dont currently have anyone else on my radar, and should something come along before anything happens here, i’m not saying i wouldn’t go with it…but i’m trying not to just metaphorically “wait by the phone”. I asked her if she wanted to go to dinner as friends, with her setting the day and place and she seeme down, so… slow and steady and all that.

Actually I’m more just afraid that my fear of being abandoned by a woman will continue to sabotage any of my chances for real relationships… now that i’m focused on it, I do see patterns that can be traced back to that original fear. Which saddens me because I know that i can be a really good partner for someone, hopefullly someone who can appreciate both my gifts and my quirks. Nobody goes into relationships as perfectly well-adjusted level-headed ideal matches, I realize, so…we’ll see…and now i’m just overthinking 🙂

I do agree about the therapist thing, since of course no book is going to cover my specific complexities, but for now I’m going to try to get myself educated on the prevailing theories and common traits and treatments so I can feel like I’m not totally unprepared, and learn to recognize the patterns as they arise, so they can at least start to be addressed in my conscious mind.

Anyway, as my mom says, everything is a learning experience. I’m just hoping this one lasts more than a week of good conversation.

-Jeremy

Hey MRC-

Thought I’d give you a little update on everything JDM.

I finally got myself a couch (you can see it at http://www.softlord.com/main/archives/2005/10/17/its_the_couchiest.html), things are beginning to look a little more home-y here. I bought some faux-blinds at Target that are basically heavy paper with double sided tape on one end. They actually look pretty good for the description, and if nothing else they’ll do for now.

In terms of my interpersonal relationships, I spoke to my dad on the phone about a week ago, he just wanted to say hi since he’d just gotten back from having spent a month in italy…i dropped by my old place to pick up some stuff and left him a note basically saying that I feld like I needed to get a more solid foundation for my life before starting to deal with him again, so we’ll see how that plays out. Its interesting how I can see how comfortable I am with him based on how I speak, whether its with any volume and enunciation or mumbled.

I haven’t yet called the therapists you recommended, I thought I needed a break for a bit, but at this point I think I might want to go back… Read on, if you dare! 🙂

I met this girl who works upstairs from me named Sonya and we’ve really hit it off so far. We’re the same age, both into music and computers and we’re very attracted to each other. We really started talking last week and we spent almost the entire past weekend chatting online… Like 15 hours total off and on.

But (and theres always a but) she mentioned to me on Friday that she’s had this distracting crush on some other guy from like a month before we met and she has to see if anythings up with that before anything can move forward even tho she’s never spoken to him, but that doesn’t mean i should back off cause she thinks i’m awesome and is really attracted to me

its just like… theres definitely a lot of chemistry there and its not often that that happens with me and someone…

i basically just told her that it sounded like she needed to get this stuff with that other guy resolved one way or the other, and that she should just keep me out of the loop on what she’s doing with that since I didn’t really want to know, and there’d be a conflict of interest about giving advice about such things… It doesn’t really seem fair to me that she felt the need to share it but I understand that she’s probably scared and giving herself a safety net for now.

All I can do is know that I have a lot to offer someone (which I think I do now more than I used to) and if whoever it is chooses not to recognize and appreciate it then its not something I can control.

this is my problem… i like strong women, and its still hard to differentiate between women who are actually strong and women who are strong because they’ve gotten good at shutting everyone who might make them vulnerable out…

Also I realize that once I feel like I like someone that I get into this kinda strangely obsessive …not insecure but like… I feel like I always need to know where I stand and I never know whether I’m being too pushy or not involving myself enough and I have to remind myself that I’m not just there to give advice or be a voice of authority (thanks dad)… Its like, I don’t feel like I can find the right tone to strike that’s like… Genuinely invested in her well-being but not obsessively trying to address anything she may mention that I think that I might be able to help her with.

I was reading this website on abandonment called www.abandonmentrecovery.com run by this woman named Susan Anderson who I see is a therapist in NYC, and I found that a lot of the issues mentioned in their FAQ http://www.abandonmentrecovery.com/abando.anon.html seem to apply to me, and I guess they come out more when I’m interested in someone than just in my every day life, but they do seem to come out in force… I’m feeling a weird combination of exhiliration and insecurity coupled with a lovely bit of excitement and paranoia.

Oh well, I ordered Ms. Anderson’s books, maybe reading them will help me find some focus with whats going on. For the moment I’m just trying not to stress the Sonya situation considering we only started talking a week ago and already I’m uncomfortable, and really this is a lot of overthought for something so new, whatever it is. Then again, if it was easy then maybe it wouldn’t end up being worth it.

Anyway, that’s where I am right now. How is upstate treating you? Close any big properties lately?

Don’t feel obligated to dispense any of your usual helpful pragmatic wisdom if its an imposition, of course.

Hope to hear from you soon in any case!

-Jeremy

theres this girl i have a thing for that i just met, and after we’ve spend 15 hours chatting on IM over this past weekend and finding that we have a ton in common etc that oh by the way she has had a huge crush on another guy for like a month and she doesnt think she’d be able to act on anything until she figures out whats going on with him even tho she’s never spoken to him, but that doesn’t mean i should back off cause she thinks i’m awesome and is really attracted to me

its just like… theres definitely a lot of chemistry there and its not often that that happens with me and someone… but as you said, i dont want to feel like a silver medalist… but she did tell me this before we started talking seriously… i basically just told her that it sounded like she needed to get this stuff with that other guy resolved one way or the other, and that she should just keep me out of the loop on what she’s doing with that

this is my problem… i like strong women, and its still hard to differentiate between women who are actually strong and women who are strong because they’ve gotten good at shutting everyone who might make them vulnerable out

this is what i always do though…i find myself attracted to people who end up being difficult to get to