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Private Journal – Keep Out.

A note to mary ruth

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Hey MRC-

Thought I’d give you a little update on everything JDM.

I finally got myself a couch (you can see it at http://www.softlord.com/main/archives/2005/10/17/its_the_couchiest.html), things are beginning to look a little more home-y here. I bought some faux-blinds at Target that are basically heavy paper with double sided tape on one end. They actually look pretty good for the description, and if nothing else they’ll do for now.

In terms of my interpersonal relationships, I spoke to my dad on the phone about a week ago, he just wanted to say hi since he’d just gotten back from having spent a month in italy…i dropped by my old place to pick up some stuff and left him a note basically saying that I feld like I needed to get a more solid foundation for my life before starting to deal with him again, so we’ll see how that plays out. Its interesting how I can see how comfortable I am with him based on how I speak, whether its with any volume and enunciation or mumbled.

I haven’t yet called the therapists you recommended, I thought I needed a break for a bit, but at this point I think I might want to go back… Read on, if you dare! 🙂

I met this girl who works upstairs from me named Sonya and we’ve really hit it off so far. We’re the same age, both into music and computers and we’re very attracted to each other. We really started talking last week and we spent almost the entire past weekend chatting online… Like 15 hours total off and on.

But (and theres always a but) she mentioned to me on Friday that she’s had this distracting crush on some other guy from like a month before we met and she has to see if anythings up with that before anything can move forward even tho she’s never spoken to him, but that doesn’t mean i should back off cause she thinks i’m awesome and is really attracted to me

its just like… theres definitely a lot of chemistry there and its not often that that happens with me and someone…

i basically just told her that it sounded like she needed to get this stuff with that other guy resolved one way or the other, and that she should just keep me out of the loop on what she’s doing with that since I didn’t really want to know, and there’d be a conflict of interest about giving advice about such things… It doesn’t really seem fair to me that she felt the need to share it but I understand that she’s probably scared and giving herself a safety net for now.

All I can do is know that I have a lot to offer someone (which I think I do now more than I used to) and if whoever it is chooses not to recognize and appreciate it then its not something I can control.

this is my problem… i like strong women, and its still hard to differentiate between women who are actually strong and women who are strong because they’ve gotten good at shutting everyone who might make them vulnerable out…

Also I realize that once I feel like I like someone that I get into this kinda strangely obsessive …not insecure but like… I feel like I always need to know where I stand and I never know whether I’m being too pushy or not involving myself enough and I have to remind myself that I’m not just there to give advice or be a voice of authority (thanks dad)… Its like, I don’t feel like I can find the right tone to strike that’s like… Genuinely invested in her well-being but not obsessively trying to address anything she may mention that I think that I might be able to help her with.

I was reading this website on abandonment called www.abandonmentrecovery.com run by this woman named Susan Anderson who I see is a therapist in NYC, and I found that a lot of the issues mentioned in their FAQ http://www.abandonmentrecovery.com/abando.anon.html seem to apply to me, and I guess they come out more when I’m interested in someone than just in my every day life, but they do seem to come out in force… I’m feeling a weird combination of exhiliration and insecurity coupled with a lovely bit of excitement and paranoia.

Oh well, I ordered Ms. Anderson’s books, maybe reading them will help me find some focus with whats going on. For the moment I’m just trying not to stress the Sonya situation considering we only started talking a week ago and already I’m uncomfortable, and really this is a lot of overthought for something so new, whatever it is. Then again, if it was easy then maybe it wouldn’t end up being worth it.

Anyway, that’s where I am right now. How is upstate treating you? Close any big properties lately?

Don’t feel obligated to dispense any of your usual helpful pragmatic wisdom if its an imposition, of course.

Hope to hear from you soon in any case!

-Jeremy

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Written by admin

November 1st, 2005 at 11:24 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

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