Private Journal – Keep Out.

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strong women can help themselves? well then what would they need me for?

I’m kidding, sort of.

Seriously, i feel like interacting with a girl that i have a thing for has scratched a scab and now i’m bleeding inside (to be a bit flowery and melodramatic)

I dont know what i hate more, how i feel or knowing that this is how my body reacts when i’m interested in someone. This is not how i’m supposed to feel.

But i understand where it comes from… in my brain, me getting involved in a serious relationship means i will get left behind like my mom left me behind, and i’m terrified of that so i second-guess my interest, become obsessed with taking everything really personally ( like if we’re talking online and she doesn’t answer a message for a few minutes that its somehow a sign that she doesn’t want to be talking to me), and like i have to either try really hard to be superhelpful and look after her problems or specifically avoid that so she’s still attracted to me and doesn’t just start thinking of me as a friend.. and then i just start thinking that the whole thing isn’t worth it and that i should just not be attracted to her anymore, which is winning at the moment…my brain is already like … ok that obviously didn’t work… next… and i’m not feeling as into her as i have been… of course i haven’t seen her since monday..but even looking at her pictures on her website just makes me uncomfortable

i guess theres just a lot to process and it kinda feels like my perception of disinterest is my brain shutting it down to try to plug the hole, if you know what i mean.

anyway, i started this email an hour ago, and since then i’ve had a conversation with her and it was like a switch got tripped as she was saying things like

TheEternalMuse (9:33:48 P): look i dont want to lead you on because i’m mad about this other guy
TheEternalMuse (9:33:51 P): and i’ve been telling u this
TheEternalMuse (9:33:59 P): and i’m sorry if I was honest to tell u that i am attracted to you
SoftLord (9:34:01 P): but you also told me that i shouldnt back off
TheEternalMuse (9:34:16 P): but i’m mad about t his other guy and i’m not exploring my options right now
TheEternalMuse (9:34:26 P): just focussing on him
TheEternalMuse (9:34:38 P): I cant focus on other options until i know for sure
TheEternalMuse (9:34:41 P): with this other dude

and it was like “hey! i know this! this is the same BS i put up with from Alex and from 4 or 5 girls before that!” and then after that it was pretty easy just to end it before i got dragged into another ‘theres no relationship here but im gonna put up with lots of shit because i want there to be’ thing… so basically she’s in a place wher eshe doesn’t know what she wants…but that means that she doesn’t definitively want me, and I’m not willing to settle for that kind of relationship anymore
on the upside i think this experience makes me want to take a look at trying to resolve things so i dont go all psychotic paranoid control freak whenever ifind someone i’m interested in…. because, you know… what i can’t control could leave me…thanks daddy!

On a slightly unrelated note, i might be offered a job working for Apple on their iTunes music store… i had dinner with Thuy-An (who’s my itunes label contact) and she basically asked if i knew anyone who might want ot come work for the new itunes movie store, and had thought of me first because i know a lot of the movie studio people because i work on a lot of soundtracks.

the money would be great (about 30k more than i’m making now), and full benefits and everything… the only caveat is that it would be in california, about 30 miles from san francisco… my friends have made the good point that i’m at a unique place in my life where there isn’t really anything specific tying me to new york.

so, we’ll see what happens hopefully in the next few weeks.

I know i’m talking your ear off here, but i really do value your opinion, as you have been one of the most pragmatic influences on my life in recent years. Would it be okay to continue this discussion sometime? I know you’ve moved on in your professional life, so if you feel imposed upon please do let me know.

I’m thinking that i’m going to wait to see what apple says before deciding whether to go to a therapist here or there.. do you think the guy Steven that you recommended would be a good match for where i am now?

enjoy the lovely fall weather!

—–Original Message—–
From: []
Sent: Wednesday, November 02, 2005 9:59 A
Subject: Re: An update.

Just a note of caution. Your caretaker role is very strong, and strong women have to be able to get themselves out of the dumps good luck. Mary Ruth

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Written by admin

November 3rd, 2005 at 1:05 am

Posted in Women

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