Private Journal – Keep Out.

Where I Am As Of 11/28/05

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OK. stream of consciousness no.w…why am i so intimidated to write this entry…theres so much rolling around in my mind that i need to get out…maybe i should go back to therapy, but i still have the same block gainst it and i dont want it to be on someone elses terms…is that self-defeating or something that i need to do?

I feel like i’ve come a lone way and yet i’m still stuck with the same shit issues that i really want to get through…i dont want to be one of those people who are in and out of depressiontheir entire lives, though it looks like thats where i am for the moment…. I have a gig with ALex English tomorrow and wednesday and thursday shilling for MAxtor, so i went backto bond street to get all my DJ equipment and figured i could just cash there, but by the time i got there i was feeling really tense and ….like less of a person… so i packed stuff up and snuck out… i guess my dad got it, since he hasn’t called me…i almost wish he would… i have suck fucked up feelings about him till…. just trying to get my balance… i still dont look after myself nearly as much as i should, i go with what other people want me to do rather than what i want to do, although my mom would disagree,then again she’s one of the poeple telling me what to do altohough i’m sure she has my best interests at heart…. i just dont really have anyone in my life who can be objective, and Sue is nto a very good listener, i’m gfinding…she has her own shit to deal with and she deals with it by steamrolling over other peo9ple… but enough about her….

I’m really feeling like i need a change of scenery… this city is becoming claustrophobic… i know it sounds weird coming from someone whos routine does not generally deviate outside of 8 or 9 blocks in the entire city, but walking around downtown makes me feel weird because its near my old living grounds, and walking around my new neighborhood just seems kinda lonely and pointless plus i dont want to get lost.

It’s getting to be winter, my traditional hibernating season….though who am i kidding, every season is hibernating season… I’m really hoping that htis apple job comes thorugh, if only to give ma a reason to get out of this place and into something new…wow…i felt that… i guess its something that i want to do rather thatn something other people want and i dont care enough about myself to object to.

My job is painfully boring, and when it gets painfully boring i 1) get stuck not doing work and not keeping myself busy and therefore 2) get into my ownhead too much….. Sometimes i wish that the traditional means of “escape” worked for me (booze, drugs, sex, partying, whatever), but they dont hold that atrtaction that they do for other people.l…. i guess i dont really have it that bad, then again i really really do. I feel as usual realy old for my age, developmentally advanced in every way except the self-reliance.

I have this book on abandonment that seems to address a lot of the things I go ththrough, be it with women, alone or in general… It suggests visualizing your “inner child” and your adult self and really strigving to pay attention to what the child has to say. This resonates with me because 8i can hear the voice of my younger self sabotaging my happ9iness and crying out for its own needs…my needs… however, the few times i’ve tried the exercises, i find that either there is a gilmy womblike barrier between the child and my adult self (like a bubble or a condom, almost) or some kind of language difference… also, sometimes when i can hear things clearly, i dont knowhow to respond to what i’m asking myself for. I know that i dont have that inner “no matter what i always have myself and ill never leave me” loop that other people have humming in the background, and i really really want to learn how to have it, but … no but i guess its just like a rusty engine trying to start up…in a car with no wheels and a blind driver.

There are timnes when i can feel myself sinking into a derpession, and i need to figure out more ways of addressing what’s going on when that happens.. my mom’s advice is always to distract myself, but that doesn’t work for me, and i dont think it works for her…i manged to make her cry the other week… we were talking about theaforementioned book and she asked me what i thought about the abandonment issues and stuff and i said that sometimes it’s uncomfortable discussing these things with her… which i guess really got to her becuse she gave me 5 minutes on how everyones lfe is difficult and how she thought she could help but maybe she can’t and started crying and paid the check and left ironically wihtout saying goodbye, though i dont think she got the irony.

Neither of my arents are very emotionally supportive. They are rationally supportive and verbally supportive, but i never really get the sense that theres much in the way of emotion behind it unless its of the negative or shameful kind.

God, my role models for such things are so fucked up…its no wonder i panic very time a girl shows me the slightest interest…because lets be fair, I havn’t actively been interested in someone since… maybe ever without some prompting from the other side…i guess thats part of what gets me in trouble…. i dontknow what i want, and yet i ,know how i want to feel when i’m with someone. I’m comfroted to see some great girls every once in awhile though, to know that they’re not all myspace attentionwhores or girly girls or needy clingy psychopaths.

I ho-pe i’m not putting too much weight on the apple job…its by no means a sure thing, although i do know a lot of the people there…i do hpe it comes thothrough, although i’ve been thinking about what i do for a living lately and basically its putting gold stars on shit and trying to serve it as meatloaf…and even when its not, it is…the hwole industry is based on deception and it makes me uncomfortable, because i’m so focused on trying to be true to myself and true to those around me, and integrity is very important to me, or so my old therapist says, but i think it’s true. I wish i cold find something where i could be honest with people and vice versa, something built on reality and not the masking of reality.

I need to figure out the specific block i have against doing things that are good for me…i can feel it and almost touch it, but its pushes back raelly hard…although i dont go out of my way to hurt myself (other than perhaps not being int he absolute peak physica condition and putting myself in situations where i know i’m gonna get hurt and taking things personally that i shouldn’t take personally and…..shit.) i dont really go out of my way to fulfill myself, and i’d like to be able to do that instead of indulging myself all the time…if only i knew one from the other and felt like i had the strength to choose…..

So thats generally where I am…i’m sure i’ll have more to add at some point in the future, but i do feel ‘lighter’ so I think here is where i stop for now, unless i come up with something interesting before bed.

I love you.

Meaning me.

Baby steps.

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November 28th, 2005 at 11:13 pm

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