Private Journal – Keep Out.


leave a comment

TheEternalMuse (8:54:04 P): hey…i’m afraid to IM
anybody because it says i’m logged on from
elsewhere..which is impossible..I never logged on from
work today.

SoftLord (8:54:20 P): your cell, maybe?

TheEternalMuse (8:54:28 P): i just checked…im not
logged on

SoftLord (8:54:45 P): when you sign on and you’re
signed on from another screen name it usually says
you can type "1" to sign off all theo ther locations

SoftLord (8:54:55 P): did that not happen?

TheEternalMuse (8:55:32 P): hmm..not sure if I did that

TheEternalMuse (8:55:49 P): omg last time…i forgot to
log off from work ..but i had the monitor off

TheEternalMuse (8:55:52 P): and our whole convo ws

TheEternalMuse (8:55:55 P): lol

SoftLord (8:55:59 P): heh

SoftLord (8:56:04 P): hope i didn’t say anything

TheEternalMuse (8:56:16 P): oh it was all sorts of
embarrassing. thank goodness nobody saw lol

SoftLord (8:56:24 P): uh oh

SoftLord (8:56:25 P): 😉

SoftLord (8:56:46 P): as long as it wasn’t our convo
from sunday night

SoftLord (8:56:49 P): 😛

TheEternalMuse (8:57:13 P): lol

TheEternalMuse (8:57:19 P): ricky was a young boy

TheEternalMuse (8:57:21 P): he had a heart of stone

SoftLord (8:57:29 P): that sucks for ricky

SoftLord (8:59:01 P): hearts werent meant to be

TheEternalMuse (8:59:40 P): I really like this song

SoftLord (8:59:43 P): what is it

TheEternalMuse (8:59:49 P): 18 and life

SoftLord (8:59:51 P): oh

SoftLord (8:59:52 P): right

SoftLord (8:59:54 P): sorry

SoftLord (9:00:04 P): just came back from the rock n
roll church offices…thats who i’m spinning for

TheEternalMuse (9:00:21 P): what kind of music are u

SoftLord (9:00:27 P): stuff you like

SoftLord (9:00:31 P): 80s, rock, goth

SoftLord (9:00:44 P): bowie, depeche mode, t. rex,
guns n roses

TheEternalMuse (9:00:59 P): sweet!

SoftLord (9:01:05 P): should be a fun tim

SoftLord (9:01:05 P): e

SoftLord (9:01:10 P): trying to get trent to show up

TheEternalMuse (9:01:27 P): oh wow..i hope he does

SoftLord (9:02:10 P): it wouldn’t suck

SoftLord (9:02:36 P): a friend of mine knows him, so

TheEternalMuse (9:03:07 P): awesome

TheEternalMuse (9:03:16 P): hey..did u ever like that
song I just want you by ozzy osbourne

TheEternalMuse (9:03:21 P): from the ozzmosis album

SoftLord (9:03:27 P): ozzmosis is my fave ozzy record

TheEternalMuse (9:03:31 P): oh nice

TheEternalMuse (9:03:40 P): not my favorite album, but
certainly akick ass album

TheEternalMuse (9:03:49 P): I got it when it first came

SoftLord (9:04:12 P): i bought it after seeing the perry
mason video on mtv

SoftLord (9:04:21 P): that seems like such a long time
ago now, since they played a video on mtv

TheEternalMuse (9:06:10 P): i remember i just want
you..the video

SoftLord (9:06:20 P): i dont ask much, i just want you

TheEternalMuse (9:06:43 P): and see you on the other

SoftLord (9:07:09 P): i like ‘ghost behind my eyes’ too

TheEternalMuse (9:07:17 P): yeah, that was awesome

SoftLord (9:07:28 P): zakk’s shredding

TheEternalMuse (9:07:42 P): yes!!!

SoftLord (9:07:53 P): 🙂

SoftLord (9:07:58 P): i like how you get excited about
stuff we agree on

TheEternalMuse (9:08:05 P): hahaha

TheEternalMuse (9:08:09 P): I’m a music junkie

SoftLord (9:08:12 P): i know

SoftLord (9:08:21 P): i was just saying i like it

TheEternalMuse (9:09:28 P): im listening to mr crowley

TheEternalMuse (9:09:31 P): guitar solo part

TheEternalMuse (9:09:36 P): sends shivers down my

TheEternalMuse (9:09:39 P): guitar solos get to me

SoftLord (9:09:52 P): go put on some dream theater
its like all guitar solos

TheEternalMuse (9:09:58 P): i Kjnow i know

TheEternalMuse (9:10:00 P): lol

TheEternalMuse (9:10:08 P): choice music for music

SoftLord (9:10:16 P): speak for yourself, i’m a geek

TheEternalMuse (9:10:29 P): im a nerd

SoftLord (9:10:32 P): ok

TheEternalMuse (9:10:35 P): lol

TheEternalMuse (9:10:49 P): I’m definitely nerd

SoftLord (9:10:55 P): nothign wrong with that i guess

SoftLord (9:12:06 P): so miss nerd

TheEternalMuse (9:12:26 P): lloll

TheEternalMuse (9:12:37 P): cuz i do think i have a
poshness to me

TheEternalMuse (9:12:42 P): but i’m a definite nerd

SoftLord (9:12:51 P): ok 🙂

SoftLord (9:13:03 P): you’re just Sonya

TheEternalMuse (9:13:08 P): sometimes im
sarcastic…and i usually feel bad

TheEternalMuse (9:13:11 P): lol

TheEternalMuse (9:13:14 P): i feel guilt

SoftLord (9:13:27 P): comes from being nicer than
your scene allows, i think

TheEternalMuse (9:13:52 P): I have no scene really

TheEternalMuse (9:13:59 P): I’m a scene whore…i visit
all scenes

SoftLord (9:14:06 P): well thats even worse

TheEternalMuse (9:14:07 P): and then i go into my own

SoftLord (9:14:13 P): gotta play lowest common

TheEternalMuse (9:14:13 P): i dont belong

SoftLord (9:14:52 P): so yesterday and today talking
with you it hasn’t seemed like you really want any
company in your corner

TheEternalMuse (9:15:04 P): I’m a loner

TheEternalMuse (9:15:08 P): I mean i socialize

TheEternalMuse (9:15:11 P): but then i’m a loner

TheEternalMuse (9:15:22 P): I have lots of friends..but
nobody close

SoftLord (9:15:30 P): are you okay with that?

TheEternalMuse (9:15:33 P): yeah

TheEternalMuse (9:15:38 P): I have this wall up

SoftLord (9:15:41 P): yes i know

TheEternalMuse (9:15:47 P): i mean i always have
invitations and hang outs and stuff

TheEternalMuse (9:15:53 P): but emotionally I dont
really let anybody in

SoftLord (9:16:00 P): yes i know

TheEternalMuse (9:16:09 P): its’ served me well until
now…cant really think of anytime i’ve been really hurt

SoftLord (9:17:22 P): cause honestly… i have friends,
anyone thats special to me, i need to know
that they’re going to let me in and vice versa, otherwise i dont necessarily feel like the relationship is worth the effort…if theres only so far i can see the person…i feel like
we’re on this planet to learn about ourselves and to connect with other people

SoftLord (9:17:55 P): i was like that for a long time… would never talk about myself, wouldn’t really let anyone except a few in and even then not that much… and then i realized
how horribly lonely i was

TheEternalMuse (9:18:06 P): see…I’m not lonely

SoftLord (9:18:07 P): and now i’m trying to let people in…certain people that i feel i can trust

TheEternalMuse (9:18:08 P): not at all

TheEternalMuse (9:18:14 P): I choose to be..’alone’

TheEternalMuse (9:18:19 P): i’m not yearning for companionship

SoftLord (9:18:23 P): ok

SoftLord (9:18:27 P): well then, i guess that’s that

TheEternalMuse (9:18:41 P): I think youre awesome and i’d definitely hold you closer than most

TheEternalMuse (9:18:50 P): my friend adam is one of those also

SoftLord (9:19:00 P): thanks, i think you’re awesome too…but i dont know if that can be enough for me

TheEternalMuse (9:19:09 P): wht do you mean

SoftLord (9:19:31 P): thinking about how to explain

SoftLord (9:22:37 P): it says in my myspace profile that i’m good at seeing through peoples BS facades… and thats true… but if i’m with someone or open myself up to someone i
need to know that they’re opening themselves up to me too… because what i end up really being interested in isn’t necessarily someone’s looks or their surface personality, but
what i see inside them…and getting access to that part of someone… what i think people call intimacy… and if i know at the outset that someone is just fine with being totally
closed off from that happening, then it ends up just being me wanting to get behind the wall and resenting the person for not letting me in enough to really kiss their soul, and i
really dont want to resent you…i’ve had a lot of relationships that were like that and they hurt

SoftLord (9:23:27 P): and yeah fine the aesthetic and the humor and the cd collection and everything are definite attractors, but they’re all part of the rest

SoftLord (9:24:36 P): up until 03, i would always have a girl in my life who i was very attracted to where we’d basically be everything-but-the-intimacy dating…except they would
be really dating someone else and i wouldn’t…i’d always be the shoulder to cry on, the person to rant about other boys, the "why can’t i find someone like you"… duckie,

SoftLord (9:25:02 P): but i stuck around because i could see them, what i felt was the ‘real’ them, and that part attracted me

TheEternalMuse (9:25:08 P): wht are you asking of me?

SoftLord (9:25:12 P): and i put myself through such BS

SoftLord (9:30:05 P): i dont really know… i know this kinda seems like our interaction isn’t at this point yet…but … i dunno… i know you dont play games, but i kinda feel
mixed-messagey.. the .. i’m attracted to you but i need to see if somethings gonna happen with the guy who ive been crushing on for a month who i see all the time and doesnt
know i exist (even though for someone to have you on their radar and not act on it one way or the other for a month, i think theyd have to be blind, engaged or just a total
moron), the "you turn me on so much" but stuff gets rescheduled (And yes i know you’re a busy girl)… i guess i just kinda would like to know where you’d ideally see me fitting
into your life for the next few weeks, so i know how excited to be that we’ve met

SoftLord (9:30:50 P): and i’m not blaming you for the mixed signals…i know about the weird transition period stuff and the in a weird place stuff

TheEternalMuse (9:33:07 P): I dont think he doesnt notice me

SoftLord (9:33:11 P): i just cant do the ‘maybe she likes me as a friend maybe she likes me as boyfriend material i guess ill never know until something definitive happens but oh
wait every time i try to see her there are other plans’ thing again… and i know parts of this is not your stuff its my stuff, but you said on friday that we should be honest, so
here i am being honest

TheEternalMuse (9:33:48 P): look i dont want to lead you on because i’m mad about this other guy

TheEternalMuse (9:33:51 P): and i’ve been telling u this

TheEternalMuse (9:33:59 P): and i’m sorry if I was honest to tell u that i am attracted to you

SoftLord (9:34:01 P): but you also told me that i shouldnt back off

TheEternalMuse (9:34:16 P): but i’m mad about t his other guy and i’m not exploring my options right now

TheEternalMuse (9:34:26 P): just focussing on him

TheEternalMuse (9:34:38 P): I cant focus on other options until i know for sure

TheEternalMuse (9:34:41 P): with this other dude

SoftLord (9:34:53 P): doesn’t seem like you’re doing very much to figure that out though…maybe i’m wrong

SoftLord (9:35:11 P): dont be sorry… you can see though how it might put me in an uncomfortable positoin

TheEternalMuse (9:35:35 P): I dont do anything about it because I get very nervous around this guy

TheEternalMuse (9:35:37 P): i cant breath

TheEternalMuse (9:35:41 P): i cant do anything

TheEternalMuse (9:35:45 P): i become immobile

TheEternalMuse (9:35:51 P): he does stare at m e a lot

TheEternalMuse (9:35:54 P): which I think is a good sign

TheEternalMuse (9:36:08 P): and when i do try to talk to him..i sound like a complete dumb moronic valley girl

TheEternalMuse (9:36:18 P): so until i can calm my nerves..ill make no attempts

SoftLord (9:36:45 P): ok well… you can see how i wouldn’t want to be in a holding pattern until something that may or may not ever happen actually happens

TheEternalMuse (9:38:08 P): but are you understanding me

TheEternalMuse (9:38:14 P): i’m not trying to see how things go with others

TheEternalMuse (9:38:22 P): until I achieve a resolution with the feelings i do have

SoftLord (9:42:07 P): and i guess i’m saying that i’m kind of feeling like i dont feel so okay with just hanging out until you decide if you’re really going to marry this guy, when i
guess i feel like there is definitively potential for something between us whereas there may or may not be something between you and this other fellow…

TheEternalMuse (9:43:43 P): Yeah, but feelings aren’t up for analysis…they either are or they arent…and they really are towards this guy..and have been for a while now. Even if things were not to
have worked out with this guy…it’s not like i’d be over him anytime soon. i’ve never felt this way ..ever.

SoftLord (9:44:05 P): ok so you’re saying that i shouldn’t be pursuing

TheEternalMuse (9:44:23 P): not now for sure

SoftLord (9:44:35 P): ok well then i guess that’s that.

TheEternalMuse (9:44:50 P): I thought you were clear about this

SoftLord (9:46:27 P): what i heard from you is that you think i’m awesome and i turn you on and we have a lot in common and have opened up to each other, but theres someone
that you have a thing for that you were hoping to resolve one way or the other, but you didn’t want me to back off since there still could be something here

TheEternalMuse (9:46:47 P): I didn tell u not to back off though

TheEternalMuse (9:46:57 P): i just let u do ..what u felt was appropriate

TheEternalMuse (9:47:06 P): I mean i came out and told u i was in luv with somebodu

TheEternalMuse (9:47:18 P): I didnt think i had to spell out every detail

TheEternalMuse (9:47:25 P): that would be enough for most ppl

TheEternalMuse (9:47:48 P): if somebody toldme they were in luv with somebody..i’d just back off the pursuit..and if i dug them cool being friends for the time being.

TheEternalMuse (9:47:52 P): but then again..thats me

TheEternalMuse (9:49:44 P): i thought u meant u were gonna stop talking to me for good

TheEternalMuse (9:50:20 P): hence the i like having u around very much and youre awesome

SoftLord (9:50:24 P): and you didn’t say you were in love you said you had a crush… if you can’t even tlak to someone how would you know if you’re in love

TheEternalMuse (9:50:37 P): the crush keeps getting bigger

TheEternalMuse (9:50:46 P): today I was convinced i must be in luv with the guy

SoftLord (9:51:10 P): well maybe there was a misunderstanding…but what i took from that was, whether or not yuo’re have feelings for this other guy should not preclude me from
pursuing something with you

TheEternalMuse (9:51:19 P): NO

TheEternalMuse (9:51:22 P): tha’s not what i meant at all

TheEternalMuse (9:51:26 P): i meant dont drop out of my life

SoftLord (9:51:56 P): honestly, the most painful relationship i can think of right now is "just being friends" with someone i have feelings for

TheEternalMuse (9:52:35 P): im’s not like I led u on

SoftLord (9:52:44 P): i just can’t do the "hey you
never know, maybe someday something will

TheEternalMuse (9:52:56 P): well im not saying that

SoftLord (9:53:01 P): yes i know

SoftLord (9:53:08 P): but i’d be saying it to myself to
justify sticking around

TheEternalMuse (9:53:12 P): I mean by no means do not
wait …do as you please…but this is my situation right

TheEternalMuse (9:53:27 P): so say that u and i never
flirted…u never would have been my friend?

SoftLord (9:53:42 P): thats not it at all

SoftLord (9:54:08 P): if we never flirted or took it to
that level i wouldve been okay with a friendship
because thats all it could have been

TheEternalMuse (9:54:40 P): I dont know what to tell

SoftLord (9:54:40 P): i’m friends with several
attractive girls i think are awesome but dont have
romantic feelings for

TheEternalMuse (9:55:01 P): I dig you a lot, but if i’m
gonna be a nuisance in your life th en….well the ‘then’ is
up to you.

SoftLord (9:55:19 P): but not in the way i’d like for
you to

SoftLord (9:55:43 P): er…not that wishing would make
it so, certainly…thats just crazy talk

SoftLord (9:56:39 P): its like…once that line is crossed
and that door is opened just a crack its nay
impossible to shut it again as if it was never

SoftLord (9:56:40 P): at least for me

SoftLord (9:57:05 P): its different for different people,
i guess

SoftLord (9:59:46 P): i’m gonna need a bit of time to
work this out… i mean obvs you wont be out of my
life cause of work… and i honestly do hope you
find what you’re looking for with that guy

SoftLord (10:00:01 P): its my own pattern i’m trying to

TheEternalMuse (10:00:11 P): ok

SoftLord (10:00:47 P): i have to eat something i forgot
to have lunch again

SoftLord (10:01:00 P): bbiab possibly, might to right to

SoftLord (10:01:04 P): go, rather

TheEternalMuse (10:01:42 P): alright

TheEternalMuse (10:01:44 P): bon appetit

SoftLord (10:01:48 P): quite.

Print Friendly, PDF & Email

Written by admin

November 30th, 2005 at 8:51 am

Posted in Old Chat Logs

Leave a Reply