Private Journal – Keep Out.

Archive for April, 2008


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hyperthetical (7:26:10 PM): kate being sad in bed with me = confusing and makes jeremy sad
musicsaves137 (7:26:28 PM): well there goes that cute moment
hyperthetical (7:26:48 PM): there will be another one
musicsaves137 (7:26:55 PM): k
hyperthetical (7:27:22 PM): just…dont know what to do when it happens is all
musicsaves137 (7:28:17 PM): just hug me
hyperthetical (7:28:58 PM): ok
hyperthetical (7:30:04 PM): would like to help if i can…or at least know whether anything i do sets it off so i can try to be more careful or more specific with what happens
musicsaves137 (7:30:55 PM): well when something makes me upset or makes me “pout” you dont have to be such an asshole about it
musicsaves137 (7:32:20 PM): your speech about “you can go pout on your side of the bed it doesnt do anything for me…im fine sleeping over here”
musicsaves137 (7:32:27 PM): really upset me
hyperthetical (7:34:29 PM): well..when you pout it makes me feel like you’re trying to manipulate me into doing a certain thing or not being honest or whatever and i dont react well to attempts at manipulation, even if you dont mean it maliciously… if we’re being all sweet and then suddenly you pull away and run to the other side of the bed or couch or whatever, i feel like i’m upt in the position of always having to apologize for something that may or may not have offended you hat under other circumstances you would have taken it in more stride
musicsaves137 (7:35:20 PM): im not trying to manipulate you
musicsaves137 (7:35:27 PM): but you dont have to be such an asshole about it
hyperthetical (7:36:01 PM): what are you doing, then.
hyperthetical (7:36:15 PM): er…that wasn’t a loaded question, i’m actually asking.
hyperthetical (7:36:42 PM): well i get defensive and just avoid engaging altogether because i dont like having to talk you into coming back and snuggling with me or going back to what we were doing
musicsaves137 (7:37:09 PM): fine then dont
musicsaves137 (7:37:13 PM): i cant make you do anything
hyperthetical (7:37:41 PM): i’m saying that i dont…but is that why you go pout? so i’ll beg you to come back?
musicsaves137 (7:38:01 PM): sometimes
musicsaves137 (7:38:12 PM): sometimes its just how i feel
hyperthetical (7:38:52 PM): well it really makes me not want to do it… you dont have to manipulate me into wanting to snuggle with you…i always want to snuggle with you.
musicsaves137 (7:39:24 PM): fine then dont
hyperthetical (7:39:58 PM): i haven’t been. but then you pout in a corner and i sit there confused and defensive when we both would rather be snuggling.. which is why i dont understand
musicsaves137 (7:39:58 PM): im not going to sit here and beg you to respond the way i would like
hyperthetical (7:40:15 PM): neither of us should be begging the other for anything, is what i’m saying
hyperthetical (7:40:26 PM): we both like each other and like snuggling and talking and fucking and everything else
musicsaves137 (7:41:05 PM): well its just a part of who i am
hyperthetical (7:41:09 PM): it doesn’ thave to be complicated
musicsaves137 (7:41:41 PM): k
hyperthetical (7:43:33 PM): maybe for some previous guys they enjoyed the back-and-forth power thing…but for me, i much prefer to just be direct… i really do think you’re awesome, i really like you a lot (and i’m pretty sure you feel similarly about me) and i think we have fun together… the rest, to me at least, kind of gets in the way
hyperthetical (7:43:51 PM): and if you have any doubt about any of that at any time, feel free to ask and i will respond with words and kisses
hyperthetical (7:43:52 PM): 🙂
musicsaves137 (7:44:01 PM): well im just sayin
musicsaves137 (7:44:04 PM): thats me
musicsaves137 (7:44:11 PM): and thats probably always going to be me
hyperthetical (7:45:32 PM): and part of who i am is to not really respond to that kind of ‘prove you really care about me’ stuff… i feel like i prove it all the time just in how we interact
musicsaves137 (7:46:04 PM): ok
hyperthetical (7:46:12 PM): so…yeah 🙂
hyperthetical (7:46:36 PM): maybe theres a middle-ground between me being an asshole about it and you doing it when you want… attention? what?
musicsaves137 (7:46:50 PM): i dont know
musicsaves137 (7:46:59 PM): i cant talk about this right now
musicsaves137 (7:47:05 PM): brb
hyperthetical (7:47:13 PM): okay
hyperthetical (7:47:29 PM): i’m gonna head home anyway… talk later, cutie :-* :-*:-* :-*
musicsaves137 (7:47:43 PM): bye
hyperthetical (7:48:01 PM): all i can do is be honest about how i feel, ya know?
musicsaves137 (7:48:13 PM): yup

Written by admin

April 17th, 2008 at 6:53 pm

Posted in Women

Tagged with

OK this has got to stop.

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So now i’m feeling a littlee weird. its coming back and i want it to stop. i’m not sure why or whta brought it on but i’m too old for this now i wish that my abandonment hsit would go away or i knew what this was and how to control it and that it didn’t make the people i care about weirded ou.

what could have precipatated this change of mood could it have been a particular length of time or something that happened or an allergic reaction or what… i like this girl a lot and i dont want to fuck it up by being weird or giving her room to be weirded out by me. make it stop make it stop make it stop.

it snot even definable right now but i know its all about me. suddenly my apartment feels big and empty without someone else in it, like a switch has been turned. i’m trying to breathe through it but its getting harder now.

i should get my thyroid checked out, since i’ve been having springtime allergies anyway, jsut to make sure that there isn’t something going on again.

nobody i talk to is going to have an answer. support, not solutions. this is not their problem. only i can make myself feel better

i really hoped i would not have to write a journal entry like this ever again, but i guess old habits die hard. i’m trying my best not to be weird at kate, but is it better to be true and neurotic or put on a brave face and be not-as-true. who knows. certainly not i.

i just wonder if i am destined to fuck up relationships like this forever. i hope not. but i also knwo that i’m the only one who can make it stop. i’m just not sure how

fuck. i was doing so well. i will keep telling myself that this is only a momentary glitch and that it will pass. because i’m sure that it will. but will it be in time not to fuck shit up.

i guess we’re all just trying to make our way in the world and nobody really knows the right way

i hate feeling powerless over my own emotions, and i can feel a cycle trying to start up,…

you need to get out of this before it hurts you, i hear the internal voice say..besides, you dont deserve a relationship.

this is not the same as the others. this is different. they are all different, but this one especially. someone who actually likes me. that is precious. the old rules cannot and should not apply. i could not bring myself to type ‘will not’ just then. i MUST get out of this. i MUUST MUST MUST get out of this…funk.

It started from nothing, it will go away go awy go away.

what more can i say… i worry about her drinking with two alcoholic parents. it sounds like she worries about it too. we cant’ always be smiley happy rainbows and blowjobs. there is so much pain, and the inner voice is telling me that thta is reason enough not to continue. but there is pain within all of us. and joy. somehow i feel false typing this out. the conflict is strong. FUck

My life, at present, has a lot of great htings in it. friends family a great girl an apartment a job that fits me. where did this come from and why do i want to cry. and how can i address it.

why do i have more doubt that things will turn out okay when i’m with someone than when i’m not?

why must my brain work against me

why did this come out of nowhere

how can i make it stop.


or is talking about my sudden mood change validating it somehow

i worry that revealing more of myself (“my true self”) in a relationship will somehow “poison the well” and make whomever i’m with get freaked out and not want to be with me. this scares me. this is a self-fulfilling prophecy, i suppose. it makes me wonder if somehow i have an inverse relationship with time spent with someone vs (interest attraction ability) comfort level being with them.

hey i know what they call that…fear of intimacy! fuck. fuck fuck fuck.

I need some help with this, and quickly.  i dont want to screw up another relationship before its started.  a month and 9 days in and already i’m going wonky.  none of this has anything to do with Kate.  none of it.  i hope she knows it, but given my track record of being attracted

Written by admin

April 6th, 2008 at 10:04 am

Posted in General Discussion