Private Journal – Keep Out.

OK this has got to stop.

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So now i’m feeling a littlee weird. its coming back and i want it to stop. i’m not sure why or whta brought it on but i’m too old for this now i wish that my abandonment hsit would go away or i knew what this was and how to control it and that it didn’t make the people i care about weirded ou.

what could have precipatated this change of mood could it have been a particular length of time or something that happened or an allergic reaction or what… i like this girl a lot and i dont want to fuck it up by being weird or giving her room to be weirded out by me. make it stop make it stop make it stop.

it snot even definable right now but i know its all about me. suddenly my apartment feels big and empty without someone else in it, like a switch has been turned. i’m trying to breathe through it but its getting harder now.

i should get my thyroid checked out, since i’ve been having springtime allergies anyway, jsut to make sure that there isn’t something going on again.

nobody i talk to is going to have an answer. support, not solutions. this is not their problem. only i can make myself feel better

i really hoped i would not have to write a journal entry like this ever again, but i guess old habits die hard. i’m trying my best not to be weird at kate, but is it better to be true and neurotic or put on a brave face and be not-as-true. who knows. certainly not i.

i just wonder if i am destined to fuck up relationships like this forever. i hope not. but i also knwo that i’m the only one who can make it stop. i’m just not sure how

fuck. i was doing so well. i will keep telling myself that this is only a momentary glitch and that it will pass. because i’m sure that it will. but will it be in time not to fuck shit up.

i guess we’re all just trying to make our way in the world and nobody really knows the right way

i hate feeling powerless over my own emotions, and i can feel a cycle trying to start up,…

you need to get out of this before it hurts you, i hear the internal voice say..besides, you dont deserve a relationship.

this is not the same as the others. this is different. they are all different, but this one especially. someone who actually likes me. that is precious. the old rules cannot and should not apply. i could not bring myself to type ‘will not’ just then. i MUST get out of this. i MUUST MUST MUST get out of this…funk.

It started from nothing, it will go away go awy go away.

what more can i say… i worry about her drinking with two alcoholic parents. it sounds like she worries about it too. we cant’ always be smiley happy rainbows and blowjobs. there is so much pain, and the inner voice is telling me that thta is reason enough not to continue. but there is pain within all of us. and joy. somehow i feel false typing this out. the conflict is strong. FUck

My life, at present, has a lot of great htings in it. friends family a great girl an apartment a job that fits me. where did this come from and why do i want to cry. and how can i address it.

why do i have more doubt that things will turn out okay when i’m with someone than when i’m not?

why must my brain work against me

why did this come out of nowhere

how can i make it stop.


or is talking about my sudden mood change validating it somehow

i worry that revealing more of myself (“my true self”) in a relationship will somehow “poison the well” and make whomever i’m with get freaked out and not want to be with me. this scares me. this is a self-fulfilling prophecy, i suppose. it makes me wonder if somehow i have an inverse relationship with time spent with someone vs (interest attraction ability) comfort level being with them.

hey i know what they call that…fear of intimacy! fuck. fuck fuck fuck.

I need some help with this, and quickly.  i dont want to screw up another relationship before its started.  a month and 9 days in and already i’m going wonky.  none of this has anything to do with Kate.  none of it.  i hope she knows it, but given my track record of being attracted

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Written by admin

April 6th, 2008 at 10:04 am

Posted in General Discussion

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