Private Journal – Keep Out.

Archive for August, 2008

things i learned about myself today 08.14.08

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when i’m interested in a girl, i shift into a set of behaviors that throws my equilibrium out the window when it comes to reading signals, displaying interest, etc because the prevailing emotion becomes PLEASE DONT LEAVE, being louder than rational thought and other emotions.  when this happens, i end up sabotaging the chances to have something real grow by the following

–  A lot of behavior based around having   leave and prompting them to show their own interest

– not enough in touch with my own moment-to-moment feelings to gauge how i feel about them, so i put my own behavior way out ahead down the road from where i actually am possibly in the hopes that i can get to a ‘safe place’ when i’m thinkgin normally.

this can come uacross as desperate perhaps, and that is a turnoff.

i can be confident in peoples interest, but not confident that its enough.

its easier to just stop pursuing altogether than to continue feeling that way…of course that also creates me beating myself up about not being able to get past this crazyness.

when my usual behavioral range is in the 40-60 range, when i hit relationships stuff it spikes into the red zone.

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August 14th, 2008 at 7:47 pm

Posted in Women

so now what.

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[13:22] me: got a sec?
[13:23] her: yeah, i actually went home for lunch
[13:24] me: fancy
[13:25] her: what’s up
[13:25] me: so i’ve been thinking about what you said in response to my (maybe a little intense) confession… and please feel free to correct me if i’m getting this wrong, but it sounds like maybe now isn’t the best timing in your life to start something up with someone new?
[13:26] me: totally understandable if thats the case
[13:30] her: yeah, i mean, i’m just not sure yet if that’s what i want, or if that’s what this would become.
[13:31] me: i see
[13:34] me: just trying to figure things out… i know we talked about before how i have a particular sore spot for being in a position where i kind of feel like i’m waiting around for a magic switch to be flipped from being ‘just friends’ to something more… not saying thats whats happening…i’ve just been burned by that a lot in my life.
[13:35] her: yeah i know.  i mean, that’s happened to me too
[13:35] me: and you know how much it sucks 🙂
[13:37] me: and i totally get that you like me a lot, and i like you a lot too…so if you’re not at the moment in that romantic headspace, I totally understand, just have to figure out how to proceed from there
[13:37] her: i really like talking to you and hanging out and stuff, but it would just feel weird to me if you felt that you wanted something more, while i’m still in getting to know you mode
[13:37] me: well…just to be clear, i’m not talking about sex
[13:37] her: yeah, i’m not either
[13:38] me: right
[13:38] her: but the thing is
[13:38] her: i don’t know, sometimes i’m a relationship-phobe
[13:38] me: yeah i get that…me too.
[13:38] her: so it’s just not something i do a lot or right away
[13:39] me: especially when i’ve just gotten out of one that was not so good
[13:39] me: i’ve had two relationship-type things in the last couple of years…
[13:40] me: and i dont want you to think that i’m trying to talk you into anything, cause thats completely not where i’m coming from… all i can do is share where i am… i know a lot of people (ok guys more than girls) keep their feelings about such things close to the vest, but i’ve never been able to do that… sometimes to my detriment
[13:41] her: yeah, i mean, i am really not very open
[13:41] her: in all honesty
[13:41] me: i’d noticed that…usually i’m really good at reading people, but you’re good at keeping yourself closed up.
[13:43] her: ok, well, all i can say is that i just don’t have any definitive answers about this stuff right now
[13:44] me: was I close with the bad timing?
[13:45] her: well i just think it’s more, i’ve only known you like a week or so
[13:45] her: that’s just usually not how i operate
[13:46] me: i see…dont usually know after the amount of conversation/time spent together whether you’re interested in someone
[13:47] her: yeah but IMing is not really the same thing, for me at least
[13:47] her: ok, sorry, i have to get back to work, i have a call at 2
[13:48] me: okie
[13:48] me: thanks for your honesty
[13:48] me: i appreciate it
[14:52] her: ok, i am back at work/off the phone.  i just want to say that i feel really weird about this and i didn’t mean for that to happen
[15:35] me: i totally get it… i maybe tend to overdo it early on, i can understand how it would be uncomfortable for someone on the receiving end, and i shuoldn’t put you in the position of having to decide right now whther you’re in or out
[15:35] me: its the only child in me…i want what i want when i want it
[15:36] me: being in different places isn’t anyone’s fault… i’m pretty cautious too.
[15:37] me: even though it may not seem it thusfar..heh
[16:15] me: so…yeah.
[16:22] her: i don’t really know what to say …
[16:23] me: dont have to say anything…no decisions today…
[16:28] her: true.  but anyway, some general thinking time would be good for me.

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August 7th, 2008 at 1:28 pm

Posted in Women

Did I screw up?

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I realize now that I have no context for what to do when I like someone for real.  It’s tightrope frightening. and also that apparently

[10:05] me: hey you..can i confess something (nothing bad) before you get swamped with work?
[10:08] her: ok, but whenever people say nothing bad that’s usually not a good sign
[10:08] me: heh…totally not that.
[10:11] me: i’m just confessing that its been a long while since i’ve been interested in a real solid normal relationship with someone, and i’m pretty out of practice, so i worry that i’ll say something or do something that will send the wrong signal or something..because i haven’t had someone awesome in my life in awhile… so, i think we’re doing good so far… just kinda wanted to put it out there that i’m kinda nervous..but in a good way 🙂
[10:11] me: (see, told you it woudln’t be a bad sign thing)
[10:13] me: and now i feel like i’m maybe overthinking and oversharing 😛
[10:14] her: no, don’t worry about it.  hold on a sec and i’ll respond when i have a minute
[10:14] me: surely

[10:08] her: ok, but whenever people say nothing bad that’s usually not a good sign
[10:14] her: no, don’t worry about it.  hold on a sec and i’ll respond when i have a minute
[11:55] her: ok… well, i think it’s cool that you told me that.  you’re very open.
[11:56] me: heh… honesty being a good policy and all
[11:56] her: and i like you a lot
[11:57] her: but there is a but
[11:57] me: ok

[11:57] her: the thing is i’m still in the getting to know you stage and I cant just jump into the next one right away.
[11:57] her: i kind of need to go through a friends period for awhile
[11:58] her: otherwise, for me, it’s just too rushed, or i feel pressured to feel something that i just don’t yet
[11:58] her: i’m just trying to be honest too
[11:58] me: gotcha…totally understand
[11:58] her: the other thing is
[11:58] her: and i know we haven’t had this discussion
[11:59] her: but, in my case, i just go out of something not all that long ago
[11:59] her: it was kind of bad
[11:59] me: yuck
[11:59] her: so i just need to not jump head first into a thing right now
[11:59] her: i just need some time to see where it goes naturally
[11:59] me: my last thing that was serious ended in early may…so pretty recent for me too..tho sounds like you still have some fresh stuff
[12:02] me: i’m with ya, and what i said earlier was totally not meant to put you on the defensive or put pressure on the situation… i guess i just didn’t know where your head was..obviously we all work at different speeds, and I wasn’t trying to rush you or anything
[12:02] me: or rush me for that matter
[12:02] her: no, i mean, i haven’t felt like that, but i just wanted to get that out there now, rather than later
[12:03] me: and i appreciate it
[12:03] me: good to know you like me a lot too 😉
[12:05] me: er…that was genuine, not meant to be snarky

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August 6th, 2008 at 12:27 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

internal thought process: second date

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she’s not that great

the same feelings werent there

youre just gonna screw it up anyway

can’t tell if she’s into me

you wont have anything to talk about

why bother

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August 6th, 2008 at 7:42 am

Posted in Women

internal thought processes: first date

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you dont deserve to have this amazing person think you’re amazing

she’s just going to want you as a friend

youre going to mess it up by not playing it right

you can’t get anything you like

you will say something wrong and that will be the end of it

this is your perfect person and you dont know what to do now

she’s not going to be into you like you’re into her

theres something about you that will be a dealbreaker

you’re gonna wait too long and she’ll just want to be friends

you’er not gonna wait long enough and she’ll think you’re a perv

she doesn’t find me attractive

she’ll leave

you dont know how to make someone happy

you dont know how to make someone stay

just like your parents

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August 4th, 2008 at 1:45 pm

Posted in Women

stuff to talk about in therapy

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– worry about friendzoning  vs. hookups

– respect/admiration vs passion/interest

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August 2nd, 2008 at 12:29 am

Posted in Women


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just had first date with new girl Kate.  I’m nmot ure how to gauge it, i had a really good time, but i think i’m so used to crazies who will hook up almost immediately that i’m not sure how to react to what appears to be a well-adjusted woman.  she’s definitely coming back, since she has my copy of angel.

i hope i get to spend more time with her, she seems pretty awesome.

this makes me realize that i dont really even know the parameters of how long things are supposed to take, how one shows interest without being creepy, etc.

i do know that she’s very different from the last few people i’ve spent time with, in a good way.

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August 1st, 2008 at 11:17 pm

Posted in Women