sdcjournal

Resolutions
– Collaborate more
– Trust, share and value my emotions
– Spend more time with friends in person (especially if travel is necessary), reconnect
– Treat myself and the world around me with more love and respect
– Go after what I want without letting fear stop me.
– More precisely define my passions, figure out how to make them more core to my day-to-day existence.

revised for blog:

• Collaborate more, professionally and personally.  Engage others and allow myself to be engaged with.
• Trust, share and value my emotions during the course of every day.
• Spend more time with friends in person (especially if travel is necessary), reconnect with peripheral people.
• Treat myself and the world around me with more love and respect.
• Go after what I want without letting fear stop me.  Say yes more than I say no.
• More precisely define my passions, figure out how to make them more core to my day-to-day existence.

if i share too much of myself, women wont be attracted to me as other than a friend

why do i think that sharing myself emotionally makes me less attractive to others.

i’m plenty self-confident… i’ve just kept myself set up for interactions in the same way i was when i was not at all self-confident.

why is it dificult for me to relate to people on an intellectual or emotional level if I’m not providing them support

glimmers of ‘IM FASCINATING’

So, Wednesday night was the TVT Christmas PArty for all former TVT employees, which I set up.My phone was dead all night.  I went home in a cab around midnight with my friend Shawn who also lives in astoria, got to my door and realized that i’d left my keys at the office.  buzzed the super for like 15mins, he wasn’t there.  got on the N back to manhattan, but it turns out that theres construction between queens and manhattan so it left me off at queensboro plaza and i had to transfer to the 7, and of course i missed the grand central stop so ended up in times square, waiting for the N which of course was never gonna come.  so ended up taking a cab BACK to east vill to stand and ring the buzzer of my dads place for 20 minutes before remembering that he’s not in town…so finally walked back to phoebes where a friend of mine who was still there lent me their phone so i could wake up my mom so she could let me crash on her couch in alphabet city, stumbled to her place, woke her up and finally crashed at like 2:30

7:29:29 PM Jeremy Meyers: i’ve had my share of one-nighters, not really sure what i’m looking for right now.  I would like a real gf but its also scary to me because the last few experiences i’ve had with relationships have been very difficult and not rewarding
7:29:56 PM Jeremy Meyers: so i dont really trust my judgment
7:30:06 PM Taina Figueroa: difficult how?
7:30:12 PM Taina Figueroa: i totally know that feeling
7:30:14 PM Jeremy Meyers: they didn’t really seem to like me very much
7:30:39 PM Jeremy Meyers: more like they liked what i could do for them or how i made them feel
7:31:27 PM Taina Figueroa: sexually u mean or emotionally as well
7:31:35 PM Jeremy Meyers: both
7:31:59 PM Taina Figueroa: who ended the relationships?
7:32:17 PM Jeremy Meyers: one was me and the last was mutual
7:32:43 PM Jeremy Meyers: it was a “you’re great but i dont really have the time to dedicate to the kind of relationship you want” from her
7:32:45 PM Jeremy Meyers: and i didn’t disagree
7:32:45 PM Jeremy Meyers: heh
7:33:14 PM Taina Figueroa: and what kind of relationship was it that u wanted that u weren’t getting?
7:33:28 PM Jeremy Meyers: well
7:33:55 PM Jeremy Meyers: i should say that for a long time i haven’t really been in an emotional place to handle the kind of relationship that i actually want
7:34:36 PM Jeremy Meyers: i tend to keep people away from my emotions
7:35:16 PM Taina Figueroa: but u want them to be completely open to u emotionally?
7:35:44 PM Jeremy Meyers: yeah
7:35:48 PM Jeremy Meyers: i mean
7:36:07 PM Taina Figueroa: i’m listening
7:36:15 PM Jeremy Meyers: i know, trying to figure out how to prase
7:36:16 PM Jeremy Meyers: phrase
7:37:31 PM Jeremy Meyers: i have a weird balance of really wanting an emotional connection and also  not wanting to burden someone that i’m interested in with all my crap
7:38:02 PM Jeremy Meyers: or thinking that if i open up to them they wont be interested
7:39:05 PM Jeremy Meyers: so…its really easy for me to just go get laid
7:39:12 PM Jeremy Meyers: if i wanted to
7:40:03 PM Jeremy Meyers: i guess letting people in is harder
7:40:15 PM Taina Figueroa: duh
7:40:34 PM Jeremy Meyers: what i want is the same as what most people want
7:41:20 PM Jeremy Meyers: someone who gets me, and makes me laugh, and who will think of me and smile
7:41:26 PM Taina Figueroa: so why is ur crap so much worse than anybody else’s?
7:41:54 PM Jeremy Meyers: and text naughty things during the day about the plans for later that night
7:41:55 PM Jeremy Meyers: heh
7:42:17 PM Taina Figueroa: sounds delicious
7:42:24 PM Jeremy Meyers: exactly
7:42:45 PM Jeremy Meyers: its not that its worse than anybody elses, its that my history with relationships is to find someone i click with and put them up on a pedestal, sorta
7:42:52 PM Taina Figueroa: so i struggle w very similar emotions and this whole someone who gets me thing
7:43:01 PM Jeremy Meyers: i dunno…its complicated… my dating history sucks
7:43:47 PM Taina Figueroa: the thing is i have begun to wonder if it is ever truly possible, i mean for someone to get u the way we all want others to understand?
7:44:01 PM Jeremy Meyers: i haven’t been in a relationship where someone has been truly as in to me as i have been into them…its always really skewed one way or the other…and i think a lot of that is because i dont really show enough to have that connection happen
7:44:28 PM Jeremy Meyers: or haven’t
7:45:21 PM Jeremy Meyers: i dont know if its possible to have someone immediately get you, i think its possible to have someone get where you’re coming from and be super interested in learning more
7:46:03 PM Taina Figueroa: most people are so involved in their own story they dont actually listen and hear anybody else’s i think
7:46:15 PM Taina Figueroa: jesus do i sound jaded
7:46:27 PM Jeremy Meyers: jaded is crap
7:46:38 PM Jeremy Meyers: its just perspective
7:47:08 PM Jeremy Meyers: most people are so involved in their own story, which makes it so important to keep people around who are interested in other peoples
7:48:11 PM Jeremy Meyers: but i think i’ve been interested in other peoples and also scared to share mine, which does not lead to well-balanced relationship
7:49:05 PM Taina Figueroa: i think i’m the opposite, i put mine out there and i’m like see this is me, i am who i am and this is where i come from
7:49:30 PM Taina Figueroa: well i don’t know
7:50:14 PM Taina Figueroa: actually i tend to be the person who everyone talks to, people at work tell me their damn life stories after seconds of knowing them
7:50:45 PM Jeremy Meyers: heh
7:50:46 PM Jeremy Meyers: me too
7:50:53 PM Jeremy Meyers: obviously
7:50:59 PM Jeremy Meyers: its because you’re a really good listener
7:51:09 PM Taina Figueroa: i actually think i have a good balance – exactly
7:51:47 PM Taina Figueroa: which is why its so frustrating when i do tell my story to always feel like
7:52:18 PM Taina Figueroa: its not heard
7:52:50 PM Taina Figueroa: what are u so scared about…exactly the bullshti i just described lol
7:53:12 PM Jeremy Meyers: my mom left when i was 13
7:53:22 PM Jeremy Meyers: i dont do well with abandonment
7:53:52 PM Taina Figueroa: do u maintain a relationship w her?
7:53:55 PM Jeremy Meyers: yeah we’re close
7:54:08 PM Jeremy Meyers: more than me & my dad
7:54:19 PM Jeremy Meyers: and i’m mad at her for leaving but i understand why
7:54:31 PM Taina Figueroa: so then how were u abandoned?\[
7:54:44 PM Jeremy Meyers: she abandoned the family by leaving
7:54:49 PM Jeremy Meyers: moving out
7:54:59 PM Jeremy Meyers: her marriage
7:55:02 PM Taina Figueroa: sorry the cat just sat on top of me cant see my hands
7:55:22 PM Jeremy Meyers: abandonment isn’t just like…being left on the side of the road in a basket
7:56:07 PM Taina Figueroa: oh i know…i had to deal w a lot of shit w my parents cuz i felt like they had done just that when i was little, they still do
7:56:48 PM Taina Figueroa: the cause is their life, they are both political activists and they weren’t around a whole lot when i was younger
7:57:03 PM Taina Figueroa: i was just kind of invisible it seemed
7:57:39 PM Taina Figueroa: she loves u
7:58:39 PM Jeremy Meyers: oh i know…just supersensitive to getting emotionally involved with someone only to have them leave.so it tends to be when i find someone i click with i will kind of go into overdrive and behavior is based on
7:58:55 PM Jeremy Meyers: PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME rather than ‘hey youre cool lets hang out and also make out’
7:59:29 PM Taina Figueroa: its so crazy how shit that happens when we are younger becomes so ingrained in our psyche and shapes so much of how we are able to function in relationships
7:59:34 PM Jeremy Meyers: yup
7:59:41 PM Taina Figueroa: even though we can recognize exactly what it is, it still tends to rule us
8:00:15 PM Jeremy Meyers: well, being aware of it is the first step to being able to address it
8:00:19 PM Jeremy Meyers: i’m kind of a psych geek
8:00:28 PM Taina Figueroa: cool
8:01:00 PM Jeremy Meyers: human behavior is fascinating ot me
8:01:02 PM Jeremy Meyers: to me
8:01:10 PM Taina Figueroa: it take a lot of friggin hard word to get to a place where it doesn’t
8:01:19 PM Taina Figueroa: something we both know i’m sure
8:01:24 PM Jeremy Meyers: doesn’t rule us?
8:01:33 PM Taina Figueroa: yea
8:01:40 PM Jeremy Meyers: yeah… the key is being able to look at the pattern without falling into it
8:01:49 PM Taina Figueroa: sorry thoughts coming faster than able to type
8:01:52 PM Jeremy Meyers: like…being able to distance yourself a bit
8:02:35 PM Jeremy Meyers: so instead of “omg i love this girl i have to do everything in my power to make her stay omg omg omg” its more like “interesting, this is someone im into and im reacting this way to it”
8:03:56 PM Taina Figueroa: i acted a lot like the whole please dont leave me thing w these last 2 relationships which is why they got so serious b/c of the damage the relationship w my husband had done (even though i left him it was b/c he never gave me the time of day or week seeing as how he worked from 6 a.m to 11 p.m. 7 days a week and did jobs overnight sometimes – i wasn’t worth spending time w)
8:04:07 PM Jeremy Meyers: to have the reaction but not necessarily be owned by it
8:04:25 PM Taina Figueroa: but i realized too late in both of those relationships that i actually wasn’t really that into either of them
8:04:28 PM Jeremy Meyers: heh
8:04:30 PM Jeremy Meyers: yea i do that too
8:05:25 PM Taina Figueroa: so i am also afraid of being ruled by that pattern, and hurting others again – not being able to recognize early on whether i actually really like the person or the idea of the person and being in a relationship
8:05:39 PM Jeremy Meyers: yeah
8:05:47 PM Jeremy Meyers: learning to be present and paying attention is hard
8:05:58 PM Taina Figueroa: it is so hard
8:06:13 PM Taina Figueroa: but i feel like i am getting better at it everyday
8:06:28 PM Taina Figueroa: i’m in  a space that i wasn’t even a year ago
8:06:33 PM Taina Figueroa: how bout u?
8:06:35 PM Jeremy Meyers: and i think having that as a goal is a big step
8:07:36 PM Jeremy Meyers: my therapist is helping me a lot…i had gone to therapy a few years ago and then stopped cause my therapist at the time retired… finally this year hit a point where i was totally unsatisfied with the direction my life has been going and started going back to a new guy who’s been very helpful in bringing stuff into focus

Letting who i am and what i’m capable of wash through me instead of forcing it down feels really good though i’m just getting used to it