Private Journal – Keep Out.

Archive for March, 2009

thoughts on being stuck

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i’ve trapped myself inside a bubble of antisocial reactive frustation.  who dont i want to see me win?  what difference does it make? whose life is it anyway?  i must figure out a way to motivate myself, to make the changes i need, to figure out what they are and to not be held back.

addicted to disappointing people?
– acknowledgment
– being valued (but negatively)
– being missed

i hold myself back so my dad doesn’t get to see my succeed and think that everthing that happened between me and him turned out okay.  I want him to know how our relationship affected me, but at the same time i’m conflicted between my anger at him and my need to protect him since i feel like he’s lost his family and it would just be adding insult to injury to punish him further, so instead I’m punishing myself by proxy by holding myself back from success.

at least when i dont show up for something i get to hear about how people wished i was there, and how it wouldve been nice if i’d shown up.

letting someone down can sometimes be the only way to know that my contributions are valued at all

Written by admin

March 15th, 2009 at 11:18 pm

Posted in Uncategorized