Private Journal – Keep Out.

Archive for August, 2009

Internal challenges to my emotional development

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  • Lack of positive reinforcement to letting my guard down, historically (have tried to become more emotionally connected, only to be stuck in depression)
  • Taking ownership of my own feelings
  • Frequently ignored or vampired (friends, family)
  • It feels hard to identify the tangible upside for me
  • Risks my feeling of being self-contained and self-reliant, feels counter to that.

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August 18th, 2009 at 10:53 pm

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A pattern emerges.

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“Yes, but so what?”

This apparently is my mantra.  it allows me to remain stuck, unable or unwilling to make substantive changes in how i treat myself, how much credit i give myself for making it trough my past, ability to stick up for myself and get what i want, or even to treat myself better.

The combination of this phrase and my repression of a larger spectrum of emotions, allowing myself to experience them , has been a driving force and the core difficulty throughout the time i’ve spent both on my own and living at home after my parents “split”  I feel like I’ve concocted a situation where every move already has a counteraction, like i’m pressing against walls made of rubber bands in an attempt to break through.  It’s Newtonian in its trappings.

I don’t want to look back on my life with regret at all the things i did not allow myself to experience and all the times i could’ve better looked out for myself or taken care of myself, but my brain is almost excited at that proposition.  what the hell is wrong with me that I’m stuck like this.

I feel like in order to change I’m going to have to do everything exactly the opposite of how i have been doing it.  and yet, still stuck, and time’s a-wasting.  Being aware of this prison of my own devising is hell.  Checkmating yourself is worse than being checkmated by an external situation.

Then again, maybe it is the unique confluence of events that has brought me to this stuck place, and my ‘taking credit’ for being here is part of the disease.  Ironic that the only thing I’m comfortable taking true credit for is making myself unable to get out of my mindset.   Even now, the “Yes, but so what” continues in my head.  Is keeping a diary self-indulgent? It’s so powerful, I’m afraid I wont ever be able to break free and I will be stuck with this narrow range, being “fine” and lonely, never letting anything through, enjoying the trappings of comfort and security and solace in isolation.

Empty castles indeed.

Fighting against a prison of my own devising (or maybe not, but it feels that way).  What do I do now? Where are the cracks? What are the tools? Surely spending time thinking about the circumstances of my own restraint can’t be the only thing I can do?

Maybe sleep will help.

What’s the sledgehammer in this scenario?  I doubt such an action exists.  And even if it did,

Yes, but so what.

Written by admin

August 3rd, 2009 at 2:58 am

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