Private Journal – Keep Out.

Archive for September, 2009

of the world

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of the world but not in it

the gauze of aversion, addiction, comfort
falls away and leaves me shocked by the unforgiving light of reality

the old reliable distractions
now sear like an iron

the same old gears turn
to the same unsatisfying result
whether i choose to listen or not

inertia is always hungry and will take whatever i feed it

all it takes is one small step
just one small step
a step in a direction
any direction

JUMP, dammit!

Written by admin

September 6th, 2009 at 1:29 am

Posted in Poetry

Please don’t let me go back to that.

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In these last few weeks, being more “emotionally connected”  (if that’s even what this is) has led to feelings of fear, dread, uncomfortableness, feeling like crying on the subway and at awork, lack of ability to focus.

I have distinct memories of wintertime earlier in life, sitting at home, existing on this plane of misery, anguish and overwheming emotional ruin, unable to function, the darkness outside matching how i felt inside.  This is feeling like that.  I don’t want to go back to that place, I can’t, it’s so hard to see past.

This is affecting my ability to work.  I can’t focus on the tasks at hand.  Thinking about

I’m not able to get any sense of perspective, that i was able to see when i was more shut off.its like my intellectual circuitry and my emotional circuitry are operating completely independent of each other, and even taking the brakes off a little has let all this rush in and take over.

Do i really only have two modes, shut off or emotionally anguished depressive?  This happens every time i try to reconnect, until i decide that it’s not worth it and go back to how i was.

I dont want to go back to this cycle. I’m giving myself deja vu just thinking/feeling about it. Even writing about how i dont want to feel like this reminds me of high school, my early 20s.

This isn’t better.

Written by admin

September 4th, 2009 at 2:01 pm

Posted in Waggener