sdcjournal

Private Journal – Keep Out.

Archive for February, 2010

Current Struggles: How much ‘help’ is too much?

leave a comment

Supportive vs. Helpful vs. Offering Solutions vs. Trying to Fix vs. Needing to Control

Different for different issues?

Who am I to know what’s best?

Resistance due to overcompensating for patterns from the past?

jeremystudiod: i worry about being ‘too helpful’ and maybe looking for something to be wrong in order for me to help fix it… it hinkt hat comes from dad
StillwelNY: i gathered something like that from ur post
12:55
StillwelNY: it is great that you have the awareness and are willing to work with it
StillwelNY: that is great
jeremystudiod: yeah i’m not too worried, its just scary when i’m ‘in it’…and then i start strategizing which never works
StillwelNY: i think it is very natural to want to help a person you love – and then there are the but’s
jeremystudiod: its complicated
13:00
StillwelNY: I know that one I have a similar issue when I work with younger women – i try to protect them – comes from my relationship with my younger sister
13:10
jeremystudiod: i dont know that it is connected to age with me…
jeremystudiod: not sure
jeremystudiod: i just second guess myself when it comes to someone in my life having a hard time
jeremystudiod: especially someone i’m romantically involved with
jeremystudiod: i question my own motives

jeremystudiod: i’m struggling with that at the moment actuall
jeremystudiod: y
jeremystudiod: just a little
misskatiemo: hm. struggling how?
jeremystudiod: how much to ‘help’ when kate is having trouble with something in her life
14:35
misskatiemo: yeah
jeremystudiod: the line between supportive and ‘trying to fix’

Written by admin

February 8th, 2010 at 4:44 pm

Posted in Women

Kate re: Therapy

leave a comment

Conversation with kate9881

Conversation with kate9881 on 2/5/2010 4:22:19 PM:
(4:22:19 PM) kate9881: if you want. dinner’s not until like 9:30 or something
(4:22:35 PM) jeremystudiod: honestly i need to get some of this work done
(4:22:47 PM) jeremystudiod: i’m not sure if i’m gonna be finished with all i need to finsih by 6
(4:23:11 PM) kate9881: ok, well see what you get done
(4:23:31 PM) kate9881: and you can always meet me wherever i am when you finish
(4:38:26 PM) jeremystudiod: newsweek might publish one of my ‘six word responses’
(4:40:26 PM) kate9881: what was it
(4:40:34 PM) jeremystudiod: http://twitter.com/Newsweek/status/8688601845
(4:40:41 PM) jeremystudiod: my response http://twitter.com/jeremymeyers/statuses/8688969281
(4:41:20 PM) kate9881: yeah, that’s a sensible response
(4:46:44 PM) jeremystudiod: 🙂
(4:47:20 PM) jeremystudiod: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703822404575019082819966538.html?mod=WSJ_PersonalFinance_LeadSecond#articleTabs=article
(4:51:38 PM) kate9881: well, not everyone goes to college because of earning potential
(4:51:52 PM) jeremystudiod: no
(4:52:13 PM) kate9881: especially when you get into highly ranked schools
(4:52:33 PM) jeremystudiod: yes
(4:52:45 PM) kate9881: for most people it’s because they either want a career that requires it (doctor, lawyer, etc.), or just because society expects you to
(4:52:53 PM) kate9881: or it seems fun or whatnot
(4:53:33 PM) jeremystudiod: i know
(4:53:41 PM) jeremystudiod: sometimes i regret not going
(4:53:50 PM) jeremystudiod: i think more for the social aspect of it than any particular learning
(4:56:17 PM) kate9881: i think if it were the right school
(4:56:47 PM) kate9881: i mean, i can see why you were frustrated by, say, the new school
(4:57:10 PM) jeremystudiod: i have a list somewhere of colleges i was interested in looking at
(4:57:11 PM) jeremystudiod: i should dig it up
(4:57:22 PM) jeremystudiod: it was mostly small liberal arts places
(4:57:23 PM) kate9881: i could see at, like, Reed or something
(4:57:28 PM) jeremystudiod: yeah…reed was on the list
(4:57:39 PM) jeremystudiod: drew, conncoll, oberlin
(4:57:57 PM) kate9881: yeah
(4:58:10 PM) kate9881: i worked with some really great people from oberlin
(4:58:19 PM) jeremystudiod: swarthmore, maybe?
(4:58:23 PM) jeremystudiod: i can’t remember, it was a long time ago
(4:58:47 PM) kate9881: my mom kept pushing for weird hippie schools with no grades
(4:58:53 PM) jeremystudiod: heh
(4:59:12 PM) kate9881: i think i really believed that i would have fit in at those schools because i was sooooooo different
(4:59:21 PM) jeremystudiod: well thats what everyone thinks
(4:59:25 PM) kate9881: yes
(4:59:33 PM) kate9881: luckily i kept getting bad vibes
(4:59:34 PM) jeremystudiod: and thats what they are populated with
(4:59:38 PM) jeremystudiod: mostly
(4:59:43 PM) kate9881: yeah
(5:00:00 PM) kate9881: i knew i wanted to go to vassar immediately
(5:00:09 PM) kate9881: i actually applied early decision
(5:00:13 PM) jeremystudiod: it was on my list too
(5:00:50 PM) jeremystudiod: bard was too, tho i think i ended up not liking it when i went to visit
(5:01:12 PM) jeremystudiod: beloit, maybe?
(5:02:54 PM) kate9881: omg i hated bard
(5:02:55 PM) kate9881: hahaha
(5:03:03 PM) kate9881: it was my top choice in theory
(5:03:06 PM) kate9881: then we visited
(5:03:13 PM) jeremystudiod: its a pretty campus
(5:03:19 PM) kate9881: well, the scenery
(5:03:31 PM) kate9881: but there was trash everywhere
(5:03:50 PM) kate9881: it was like, the students had no concept of picking up or recycling
(5:04:01 PM) kate9881: even though they’re all hipsters
(5:04:11 PM) jeremystudiod: especially since they’re hipsters 🙂
(5:04:15 PM) jeremystudiod: trustafarians
(5:04:20 PM) kate9881: no respect for maintenance workers
(5:04:26 PM) kate9881: which is a pet peeve of mine
(5:04:41 PM) jeremystudiod: when i was growing up i thought it’d be MIT or Cornell or CMU or UNC
(5:05:59 PM) kate9881: cornell is like the suicidal capital of colleges
(5:06:11 PM) jeremystudiod: except for the nyu library
(5:06:17 PM) kate9881: 🙁
(5:06:32 PM) jeremystudiod: brutalist architecture has a price.
(5:06:38 PM) jeremystudiod: i mean its called freakin BRUTALIST
(5:06:42 PM) kate9881: ha
(5:07:11 PM) kate9881: well, you know what, all of us have things we regret not doing, to some extent
(5:07:24 PM) kate9881: you turned out alright
(5:07:26 PM) kate9881: 😉
(5:07:48 PM) kate9881: it kind of makes you badass
(5:07:50 PM) kate9881: hahaha
(5:09:12 PM) jeremystudiod: i am pretty badass
(5:09:24 PM) jeremystudiod: ok apparently i’m having drinks with Heather and Nadina
(5:09:32 PM) jeremystudiod: so i’m closing up
(5:09:51 PM) jeremystudiod: maybe i’ll come by your job after?
(5:10:22 PM) kate9881: what about all your work
(5:10:22 PM) kate9881: hahaha
(5:10:36 PM) kate9881: lucky you
(5:11:00 PM) jeremystudiod: f it
(5:11:02 PM) jeremystudiod: i’m burnt
(5:11:03 PM) jeremystudiod: i’ll finish it monday
(5:11:05 PM) jeremystudiod: call you after
(5:11:06 PM) kate9881: woohoo
(5:11:08 PM) kate9881: ok


10:05
jeremystudiod: <#
jeremystudiod: <3
kate9881: hey
10:20
jeremystudiod: so…
jeremystudiod: monday.
kate9881: yeah
10:25
jeremystudiod: kind of felt ‘off’ this morning
kate9881: you did?
jeremystudiod: a little
kate9881: shower thoughts?
jeremystudiod: yea some of that, and then a quiet walk… thought you might be mad at me or something
kate9881: mad at you?
jeremystudiod: yea i dunno
kate9881: am i usually super chatty while we’re walking to work?\
jeremystudiod: no i guess not
10:35
jeremystudiod: hey i didn’t say it was rational
jeremystudiod: 😛
11:35
jeremystudiod: hows your day going
kate9881: ooh sorry
kate9881: spent an hour explaining stuff to the intern
jeremystudiod: s’ok
kate9881: anyway, i wasn’t mad at you
jeremystudiod: ok
kate9881: the thing is, i think if i actually were upset about something to do with you, i would feel comfortable voicing it
jeremystudiod: i’m glad
kate9881: if i just get quiet, it’s either nothing, or something that isn’t necessarily related to you
kate9881: when you brought up the class, yeah, i did start worrying about it a bit
jeremystudiod: i didnt’ seriously think you were… but sometimes i just pick up on a weird vibe that maybe something’s going on, and i dont want to pry but i will ask what’s going on anyway because i know that its helpful to me to share what’s going on rather than just sitting with it in my head, but sometimes i feel like taht can be annoying
11:40
jeremystudiod: and i dont want to be like “come on, tell me whats wrong!” either
kate9881: i know
jeremystudiod: its kind of a charged thing for me a little because my dad was always trying to make something wrong so that he could “be the one to take care of it”… so i know that doesn’t have anything to do with you, but its something that i have a bit of a conflict about
kate9881: i mean, i appreciate that you can sometimes tell if i’m feeling weird about something
kate9881: i don’t feel like you’re looking to fix things
kate9881: help, maybe
jeremystudiod: okay
kate9881: although sometimes it’s ok just to let things pass on their own
kate9881: as you sometimes point out
jeremystudiod: just sometimes i feel like i’m making stuff up in order for there to be something i can help with
11:45
kate9881: don’t read too much into it
jeremystudiod: eah
jeremystudiod: yeah
jeremystudiod: can’t always help it
jeremystudiod: i love being able to be there for you when there is stuff going on, and that you can be there for me… there can just be extra complicated stuff around that relationship when i’m in my head about itr
jeremystudiod: it
11:50
kate9881: ok
jeremystudiod: i dunno
jeremystudiod: whatever
jeremystudiod: everythings find
jeremystudiod: fine
jeremystudiod: <3
11:55
jeremystudiod: hooray for brains trying to convince us that things are wrong
kate9881: omg
kate9881: my boss’ boss just scheduled an event for either tomorrow or wednesday
jeremystudiod: eep!
kate9881: i mean, WTF
kate9881: how are they going to find staffing
jeremystudiod: what is it?
kate9881: this Facing Ali screening
12:00
kate9881: this i totally insane
kate9881: and kind of unreasonable
jeremystudiod: what can you do
kate9881: nothing
kate9881: upper management decreeing something from on-high
12:10
jeremystudiod: can you have a convo w your boss about the best way to handle
jeremystudiod: whats your responsibility for it?
kate9881: don’t know yet
kate9881: no class march 29
kate9881: btw
kate9881: it’s passover
jeremystudiod: sweet
kate9881: so no events either
kate9881: could be a good time for a long weekend
jeremystudiod: i was just gonna say that
jeremystudiod: sounds good to me.
kate9881: wohoo
kate9881: i’m making the intern do all the stuff i don’t want to do
jeremystudiod: thats what interns are for
kate9881: exactly
jeremystudiod: as long as one or two of the things might learn her something
kate9881: no it’s good stuff
kate9881: calling around looking for PR contacts
kate9881: it’s not like data entry or anything
jeremystudiod: cool
jeremystudiod: good job
jeremystudiod: i bet that clears your plate a bit
12:20
jeremystudiod: http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/technology/personal-tech/the-couple-that-tweets-together-stays-together/article1459458/
kate9881: that’s your friend, right?
jeremystudiod: yea
kate9881: cute
12:50
jeremystudiod: you’re cute
13:05
kate9881: i need to figure out a way that we can do a big trivia contest
13:10
jeremystudiod: ok
13:15
kate9881: it’s for this EW 20th anniversary thing
jeremystudiod: an in-person trivia contest?
kate9881: right
jeremystudiod: didnt’ you do one for the vampire thing?
kate9881: well, it was just part of event
kate9881: this would be like just one big trivia event
13:20
jeremystudiod: ok
jeremystudiod: like at a bar?/
kate9881: no, here
jeremystudiod: i mean
jeremystudiod: similar to trivia nights at bars
kate9881: oh, right
kate9881: yes
jeremystudiod: for EW-related stuff?
13:25
kate9881: well, 20 years of pop culture is the theme
kate9881: it’s a little broad
jeremystudiod: ya think?
kate9881: yeah, it’s EW’s thing
jeremystudiod: are they coming up with questions?
kate9881: they just want to do “an event” celebrating 20 years of pop culture
kate9881: i suggested doing trivia
jeremystudiod: thats such an odd request
jeremystudiod: ‘yay pop culture’!
kate9881: it’s their anniversary
jeremystudiod: what about something around their covers?
kate9881: well, there’s a gallery exhibit
kate9881: but we need a live event
kate9881: how’s your day going?
13:30
jeremystudiod: igj
jeremystudiod: ugh
jeremystudiod: so much stuff to do
13:35
kate9881: oh right
kate9881: because there was stuff from last week
jeremystudiod: yes
13:50
kate9881: <3
jeremystudiod: thanks
jeremystudiod: <3 to you too
13:55
kate9881: my stomach hurts
jeremystudiod: uh oh
jeremystudiod: we ate a lot yesterday
kate9881: i have a horrible nervous feeling
jeremystudiod: just breathe
jeremystudiod: its not going to be as bad as your brain is saying it is.
jeremystudiod: (assuming its connected to your class?)
kate9881: maybe
kate9881: i don’t consciously ‘feel’ that worried
kate9881: but maybe my body feels worried
14:00
jeremystudiod: whatever it is, you’ll get through it.
jeremystudiod: and i’ll be here for additional support
jeremystudiod: oy…sorry…writing proposal documents
kate9881: i just hope i’ll feel better once this is over
kate9881: instead of going over it again and again in my mind and beating myself up
14:05
jeremystudiod: i dont want to push but i do think that being able to go over your patterns with a therapist could be super helpful for when stuff like this comes up.
jeremystudiod: so that it doesn’t have to be a big thing to be scared of
kate9881: well, i haven’t like, purposely avoided calling the therapist. it just hasn’t really been the first thing on my mind. plus i don’t know about the expense
jeremystudiod: i know
jeremystudiod: i’m not suggesting you’re avoiding it at all 🙂 i’m reminding you
jeremystudiod: the website said they have a sliding scale and can make it work for anyone’s budget
kate9881: yeah, but it still costs money, of which i have very little
jeremystudiod: i nkow
jeremystudiod: know
14:10
jeremystudiod: maybe its something your mom could help out with
jeremystudiod: just a thought
jeremystudiod: i dunno…just saying it seems like they’re willing to work with their clients to come up with a payment structure that works. you could always go for the consultation and then decide not to follow up
kate9881: she’s the one who said it wasn’t a good idea!
jeremystudiod: yeah but tahts only after years of saying you should go, no?
14:15
kate9881: i guess she changed her mind at some poitn
jeremystudiod: yeah that was weird…maybe she’s scared you’ll uncover some stuff that’ll make you mad at her
jeremystudiod: moms are complicated
jeremystudiod: dunno, i think if you approached her with ‘i found myself a therapist and was wondering if you could help me cover the costs’, it might work… but i could be wrong
jeremystudiod: i just wouldn’t let the money thing stop you initially, especially since they seem to be really flexible… they usually dont charge for the first session
14:30
jeremystudiod: and please feel free to tell me to back off about it, i dont want you to feel like i’m pushing too hard on it
jeremystudiod: or if its even my business
14:50
kate9881: sorry, i ran to get food
jeremystudiod: word
jeremystudiod: <3
kate9881: i mean, i do think it’s your business, in a way, because you have to deal with me
jeremystudiod: it doesn’t feel like ‘dealing with you’ at all…its more like, i love you and i know what it’s like to be stuck in patterns in certain places in your life, and I know how much having someone to talk to who is trained in such thigns can be helpful… on the other hand, i dont want to be like ‘i know whats best for you, so you need to do this’ and also i know that its a deeply personal decision that only you can figure out if/when would be a good time to take action on
kate9881: i know
kate9881: i just don’t know if i feel comfortable talking to a professional
kate9881: or if i feel like my problems merit that
14:55
jeremystudiod: and on some level i feel like… who am i to be saying this to you… you didn’t ask for my advice or my help, and sometimes the position of ‘advice giver’ can put a distance between me and whoever…even if its just in my head
jeremystudiod: well you wont know until you give it a shot
jeremystudiod: i dont think theres a particular like… ‘how fucked up do you need to be in order to see someone about it’…
jeremystudiod: its not like a doctor that way..its more like… someone who will listen and help you bring some of your patterns more into your conscious mind and enable you to reframe them so that they are manageable and can fade if they are not that useful
15:00
kate9881: i know. i just can’t bring myself to take action on it
jeremystudiod: so let me ask you
jeremystudiod: what would be most helpful for you in terms of my role in this
jeremystudiod: i mean, you will go when you are ready, i know that..and at some point my reminding you about it is not really going to help you take that step…
15:05
kate9881: it’s like everything else in my life. i get excited about it for a day and then kind of drop the ball the next day, and then gradually start to forget about it, and it doesn’t seem important any more
kate9881: i mean, a few weeks ago, whenever you got me the referral, i was like, great, i’ll get right on this
kate9881: and i didn’t really do anything about it
kate9881: and then you gave me her card
kate9881: and i put it in my backpack
jeremystudiod: i’m happy to do whatever you want. if you want me to come with you for the first appt (to stay outside obvs) thats fine… if you want me to sit there while you call, i can do that. if you want me to leave you alone about it, i can do that.
kate9881: and didn’t think about it again until you asked me about it this weekend
jeremystudiod: i just dont want to push you into something that you’re not ready for, because you should be going for you and not because i’m bugging you about it, you know?
kate9881: i don’t feel like you’re ‘bugging’ me about it
jeremystudiod: ok
kate9881: i really don’t
jeremystudiod: ok
jeremystudiod: i’m glad
jeremystudiod: i dont want to be a nag about it, and i dont think you’re somehow ‘flawed’ if you dont want to go right now
kate9881: i just feel like, it’s yet another thing that i failed to follow up on
jeremystudiod: well
jeremystudiod: what if you called right now?
kate9881: and i’m really great at finding excuses not to do stuff
jeremystudiod: this is all stuff you can talk about
jeremystudiod: and learn to resolve
15:10
kate9881: i know. it’s kind of ironic. i just feel already that i probably won’t go through with it
jeremystudiod: i get it
jeremystudiod: i really do
kate9881: maybe that is kind of defeatist, i don’t know
jeremystudiod: the patterns want to keep themselves there.
jeremystudiod: if you call right now, i will help to make sure that you go on your appointment day. i’m happy to go with you
jeremystudiod: my mom used to go with me to drop me off at my therapist in high school
jeremystudiod: it does get easier as you get into a routine about it
jeremystudiod: and if they’re any good they’re quite used to people having a similar block about it, and will know how to address it
kate9881: i’m not going to call today. i’m not even sure i’ll go to my class today
jeremystudiod: still feeling uneasy about it?
15:15
kate9881: uneasy is an understatement
jeremystudiod: can you stop and breathe
jeremystudiod: do you feel panicky?
kate9881: not panic. just dread
jeremystudiod: what is the difference for you?
kate9881: i don’t know, i just feel a sense of dread
jeremystudiod: where is it in your body?
kate9881: and i know that the most effective way to make it stop would be to just drop the class
jeremystudiod: that may be true.. but part of the reason you signed up is so that you could get through moments like this
jeremystudiod: so this could be a great opportunity
15:20
jeremystudiod: when i feel like that (and it doesn’t always work), i try to remember that the dread is just a thought and thoughts arent real… and if that doesn’t work i try to write down what specifically i’m dreading, and what the worst possible outcome could possibly be in reality
jeremystudiod: its usually not ‘bad’ enough to warrant the feeling
kate9881: i know. i get that it’s not rational
jeremystudiod: i know you do
jeremystudiod: i’m just telling you some stuff i do after i recognize that its not rational
jeremystudiod: stuff that sometimes helps
kate9881: yeah, i totally get it. those are good suggestions
kate9881: they just don’t really work for me because i feel like i’m just trying to trick myself into believing something
15:25
jeremystudiod: yes but you’re trying to trick yourself into believing that the class is to be dreaded now anyway
jeremystudiod: nothing makes that more real than doing what i suggested, only your own thoughts
15:40
jeremystudiod: <3
16:20
kate9881: sorry, had another mtg
jeremystudiod: i figured
kate9881: i still feel sick
kate9881: i’m trying so hard to change my thinking about it
jeremystudiod: you dont have to try
kate9881: i just can’t
jeremystudiod: just relax
jeremystudiod: and breathe
16:25
jeremystudiod: it’s going to be okay
jeremystudiod: the thoughts that are creating the feeling are just thoughts..they’re not real
kate9881: i’m thinking about taking some anti-anxiety stuff
jeremystudiod: i was on that for a little bit
jeremystudiod: the thing with anxiety is that most of the fear conencted with an anxiety attack is the fear of an anxiety attack
jeremystudiod: so its a cycle that we can get caught in
jeremystudiod: it is helpful to focus on where the feeling lives in your body and not try to process it analytically
jeremystudiod: its not just a distraction
jeremystudiod: it can help get you out of your head
kate9881: my mom gave me some ativan
jeremystudiod: dunno it
jeremystudiod: dont know that i’d take perscription meds that werent meant for me, especially if i was on other perscription meds
jeremystudiod: prescription?
16:30
kate9881: i’ve take it before
kate9881: i’m not sure it helps that much, but maybe just the placebo effect is enough
jeremystudiod: sure
jeremystudiod: its natural to get stuck in the …
jeremystudiod: bad feeling happens, want bad feeling to go away, its not going away, feel worse, want it to go away, and on and on
jeremystudiod: obvs i do that too
16:45
jeremystudiod: its kind of counterintuitive to just let it happen
jeremystudiod: but it works
16:55
kate9881: i’m trying to ignore it. i’m just too nervous
jeremystudiod: yeah
jeremystudiod: its gonna be fine
jeremystudiod: your thoughts arent real
jeremystudiod: they’re just thoughts
jeremystudiod: theres nothing to fix
17:15
kate9881: i just wish i could Not Care
jeremystudiod: you Do Care…nothing wrong with Caring.. you just Get In Your Own Way about it 🙂
jeremystudiod: we all do
jeremystudiod: Caring isn’t the same as suffering about it
17:20
jeremystudiod: or investing yuor whole identity in it
jeremystudiod: Caring is ‘this may have something valuable for me, but if it doesnt then its okay too’
kate9881: it’s not that i don’t think it will be valuable
kate9881: i hate putting something out there that’s not perfect
kate9881: and i know nothing’s perfect
jeremystudiod: nothing is ever perfect
kate9881: just, being judged by people
kate9881: especially when i don’t feel that great about it myself
jeremystudiod: see i thi nk thats where you get stuck
jeremystudiod: assuming that people are judging you as a person because they are giving you feedback about your work
kate9881: but my work is from my head
jeremystudiod: so?
kate9881: they are passing judgment on my writing ability or my ideas
jeremystudiod: the feedback is about the work
jeremystudiod: they are giving you feedback, not passing judgent
jeremystudiod: judgment
jeremystudiod: you have it all tied together in your head
jeremystudiod: when really even if someone thinks that its a horrible piece of writing (or the best piece of writing they’ve ever heard) its not YOU they’re judging…because you are not just your writing
jeremystudiod: thats a tiny tiny piece of you
jeremystudiod: you give other people a lot of power to decide your own worth when you tie your work into your identity like that
kate9881: i can’t help it
kate9881: that’s just the way i see it
jeremystudiod: i know..its hard
kate9881: it’s very personal
jeremystudiod: but you can adjust
17:25
jeremystudiod: not to make writing less personal, because it can and should come from your heart… but to take feedback and decide whether to act on it or not without having it 100% locked in to your own self-worth
jeremystudiod: so if someone loves it or hates it, its okay, and its a reflection of their personal experiences that they’re coming to the table with and not you as a person
jeremystudiod: and you can take whats valuable from their feedback and ignore the rest
jeremystudiod: without assigning a value to it
jeremystudiod: it just kinda is
jeremystudiod: like life
jeremystudiod: life is just there…its not permanently awesome or permanently awful
jeremystudiod: there are awesome moments and awful moments
jeremystudiod: but trying to make it always awesome and never awful just gets us in trouble because we cant’ really control those things.
kate9881: i know
jeremystudiod: so its the same with this
jeremystudiod: its just feedback
kate9881: i mean, that’s my problem, i don’t want to hear feedback unless it’s like “this is the best thing EVER!!!”
kate9881: which is insane and not possible
jeremystudiod: these are things that a therapist can help with
jeremystudiod: actually my mom is a recovering perfectionist
jeremystudiod: i bet she’d have some good advice
jeremystudiod: and i think theres some stuff in Radical Acceptance about it too
kate9881: i’m not a perfectionist. or at least i don’t see myself that
kate9881: way
kate9881: unless i just don’t realize it. ha
jeremystudiod: it sounds like you have some stuff connected to it though
jeremystudiod: it has to be perfect or not at all
jeremystudiod: maybe thats why you have trouble following through on some stuff sometimes
jeremystudiod: like…it needs to be a certain way or you wont do it
17:30
kate9881: hm
kate9881: i dunno
jeremystudiod: i dunno either
jeremystudiod: just a thought
kate9881: i never really thought of it that way
jeremystudiod: its pretty common
jeremystudiod: its the whole fear of uncertainty thing
kate9881: yeah
jeremystudiod: and its totally something you dont have to be stuck with
jeremystudiod: there are lots of tools and ways to adjust your thinking on it so it doesn’t affect you nearly as strongly
17:45
kate9881: i always find it amazing when people i know give me something they’ve written in order to give them feedback
kate9881: because i’m just not the type of person who would ever do that
17:50
jeremystudiod: you never know
kate9881: there’s too much opportunity to look like an idiot
jeremystudiod: i know i never thought i’d be in a great relationship like this, even this time last year..thought i’d always be stuck in relationships that were either codependent or half-assed
jeremystudiod: and that nobody would really “get” me because i’m nerdy and a lot of my tastes are girly and i’m into random stuff
jeremystudiod: i always had to tone myself down to avoid ‘looking like an idiot’
kate9881: yeah, but you’re not really inviting people to critique you
kate9881: i mean, i get what you’re saying
jeremystudiod: i dont think its that different
17:55
jeremystudiod: and i mean at least early on, when i’d share something with you, i’d kind of brace myself to say “well is this the thing thats gonna have her think i’m too weird to stick around with?”
jeremystudiod: i mean, more with other people than with you
jeremystudiod: but
jeremystudiod: its a similar thing
kate9881: you never said anything that weird 😉
jeremystudiod: sharing something about yourself
jeremystudiod: this may come as a surprise to you but not everyone has been as fine with my predilection for WB shows as you 😛
jeremystudiod: but i recognize that thats more about them than about me
kate9881: i get it, i mean, i totally have this need to be seen as “cool” in front of everyone, including my closest friends
kate9881: you’re one of the first people that i don’t feel that pressure
jeremystudiod: you are cool
kate9881: cool doesn’t really mean anything
jeremystudiod: exactly
jeremystudiod: i find i’m less concerned with what people think of me lately and more concerned with being myself
kate9881: that’s great
jeremystudiod: because if people dont like me for being myself, thats their problem
kate9881: i mean, that’s the way to be
jeremystudiod: and they’re missing out
kate9881: i’ve been trying to get into that mindset too
jeremystudiod: you’ll get there
18:00
jeremystudiod: i mean, it took a lot of time stuck in self-hatred and a bunch of therapy
jeremystudiod: but i think that its more abotu recognizing that we all have our reasons for being a certain way and that if someone hates me, its not because of me as much as whatever circumstances brought them to where they are in their lives
kate9881: it’s just that i have totally been trying to look at it this way all week. and still i have these horrible stomach pains
jeremystudiod: its okay
jeremystudiod: it takes time to retrain yourself
18:05
jeremystudiod: the synapses causing the stomach pain reaction are tightly wired
jeremystudiod: what time are you heading out?
18:10
kate9881: 6:40 maybe
jeremystudiod: is that when you usually go?
kate9881: yeah
jeremystudiod: okie
jeremystudiod: (i didn’t remembeR)
kate9881: starts at 7
18:15
jeremystudiod: <3
18:25
kate9881: it’s almost time
kate9881: 🙁
jeremystudiod: dont be 🙁 about it
jeremystudiod: it’s gonna be fine
jeremystudiod: listen to your ipod on the way…something cheery
jeremystudiod: the “:(” is your choice..you can choose something else
kate9881: i don’t think i can choose
kate9881: i just feel scared and bad
kate9881: i’d LOVE to feel something else
jeremystudiod: you can choose
kate9881: i don’t get that
kate9881: feelings are reactions
kate9881: i can’t choose how to feel
jeremystudiod: you can
jeremystudiod: you can choose how seriously to take your thoughts
jeremystudiod: and that affects your emotion
18:30
jeremystudiod: it seems counterintuitive
jeremystudiod: but you can choose to not let yoru emotions rule your existence from moment to moment
jeremystudiod: because they change and shift all the time
kate9881: that sounds right
kate9881: but i just to get how to apply that to me
kate9881: at least not in the next 30 mins
jeremystudiod: hehe
jeremystudiod: well its hard to do under pressure
jeremystudiod: i think in the next 30 minutes your goal should be to just relax as much as you can
jeremystudiod: and if thats only a little bit then thats okay
jeremystudiod: and whenever you find yourself analyzing or going around and aroudn, stop and take a deep breath
jeremystudiod: and then do it again
kate9881: yeah
kate9881: ok
kate9881: makes sense
jeremystudiod: and dont beat yoruself up for having the thoughts, but dont believe them either
jeremystudiod: its just part of our programming
jeremystudiod: you dont have to fix it for all time right now
jeremystudiod: its like
jeremystudiod: we’re set up to forget that our analytical thoughts arent ‘real’
jeremystudiod: and we can learn to remind ourselves more and more often
jeremystudiod: it takes practice
jeremystudiod: but we can learn to be “oh those thoughts are here again, that’s interesting”
jeremystudiod: not all the time
jeremystudiod: but whenever we can
18:35
jeremystudiod: how does that feel?
kate9881: yeah, i get it
kate9881: ok, gotta go
jeremystudiod: ok
kate9881: talk later
jeremystudiod: i looooove you
jeremystudiod: <3
kate9881: love you too
kate9881: a lot and a lot
jeremystudiod: 🙂
kate9881: you are a calming presence
jeremystudiod: i do my best
jeremystudiod: getting worked up rarely solves anything
18:40
kate9881: bye
jeremystudiod: lates
jeremystudiod: <3

Written by admin

February 8th, 2010 at 12:19 am

Posted in Kate