Private Journal – Keep Out.

Archive for April, 2010

My dad is old.

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Kate and I went to have dinner with Irene and my dad this past Friday.

My dad is old now. he’s gone from a person who i’ve loved, hated, respected, to one of those old people who has a hard time hearing, whose hand shakes, who talks about being old.

all this time i’ve spent resenting him, all those years i didn’t hardly talk to him at all. and now he’s old. the life is draining out of him, it seems. how much longer do i have with him.  why does it make me sad for several days after seeing him. why have i wasted so much time, and why is it still hard to spend time together.

what does this mean about me. I’ve never really felt like an adult. I’ve always on some level felt like a son, someone who’s fooling everyone into thinking i’m a responsible adult with taxes and rent and priorities and a 401k and fancy shoes.  how much of this is due to my relationships with my parents…what does it mean when he’s gone?

christ, someday he’ll be gone.

anyway, he’s old. it’s not an act. he’s not faking. he never learned how to not have to drown out the voices inside, the opportunities around the internet, the connection….all the things i’m interested in.

christ, someday he’ll be gone.

I remember thinking about this as a teenager, and then realizing that i wont have to deal with it until my mid-30s at least, probably.

Well, here I am.

Written by admin

April 11th, 2010 at 11:54 am

Posted in Family

being ahead of the curve

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Just coming to some realizations about how lonely and isolating it is being ahead of the curve and how i really crave the opportunity to have someone just GET it and not have to prove myself to skeptics who will get it two years from now when im on to the next thing.

And how maybe its connected to not being recognized for my value or being nurtured much growing up

And living with my dad as an adult but not really talking to him or whatever

Just feel kinda out of phase somehow. And then i feel self pity and then i feel like ‘um dude youre not like..ubergenius prognosticator of the world smarter than everyone

Just got out of therapy, im heading to the train. I love you and i love that you get me and support me. Its super important to me and thank you.

And living with my dad as an adult but not really talking to him or whatever

Written by admin

April 11th, 2010 at 10:08 am

Posted in Family,Work

Job conversatoin with mom post Nadina 1:1 frustration

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(11:26:53) jeremystudiod: so i ‘had it out’ with nadina in my 1:1 checkin meeting… mentioned that i was looking at my job description and she was like “i know youre frustrated, i just dont know what more i can do…we all have to do stuff we dont like, and we’re working toward getting you in a better place to do more of what you want, but it doesn’t happen overnight and sometimes you just have to suck it up and deal for awhile. also, if you want to manage your career, you have to do some of it yourself. feel free to run it by me and we can come up with a plan to get you there, but for the moment this what the job is, so i dont know what value youre getting out of looking at the job description”
(11:37:58) StillwelNY is no longer idle.
(11:38:39) StillwelNY: wow
(11:41:23) StillwelNY: how do u feel about this
(11:42:36) jeremystudiod: well we discussed it more and i said i would work to come up with a ‘fake’ job description and then talk about it with some of the stakeholders to figure out how to get there
(11:43:09) StillwelNY: ok
(11:45:08) jeremystudiod: i’m just not very good at ‘suck it up and deal’
(11:45:28) StillwelNY: yes – i know
(11:45:43) StillwelNY: you have heard this qute a bit in your work career
(11:46:00) jeremystudiod: ye
(11:46:00) jeremystudiod: s
(11:46:04) jeremystudiod: dont really know what to do about it
(11:46:27) StillwelNY: i have a suggestion
(11:46:40) StillwelNY: you may not like it
(11:47:25) StillwelNY: i would say that charly had the same issue – which is how i came to support the family for most of the time
(11:47:39) StillwelNY: it may be something for therapy
(11:48:46) jeremystudiod: ok
(11:49:50) StillwelNY: it is not that black and white – but i think it would be a really good discussion
(11:52:40) StillwelNY: and this is in no way a rejection of follow your passions and your talent – it is a side issue when dealt with – can help you do just that
(12:04:12) StillwelNY has become idle.
(12:06:39) StillwelNY is no longer idle.
(12:08:22) StillwelNY: is it okay that I said this – or am i had insult to injury?
(12:08:32) jeremystudiod: no its fine
(12:08:37) jeremystudiod: sorry just multitasking
(12:08:55) jeremystudiod: i think i more needed to nkow from her that i was being heard and that there were things that could be done
(12:09:03) jeremystudiod: and that i wasn’t just going to be stuck doing this indefinitely
(12:09:17) StillwelNY: good

Written by admin

April 7th, 2010 at 8:24 pm

Posted in Work