Private Journal – Keep Out.

transition time.

leave a comment

Jeremy Meyers
Kate Farina

Jeremy Meyers
i’m sorry its been difficult lately
Kate Farina
hey, you’re going through a challenging time. i didn’t sign up for the good parts only
and god knows, i have my rough times too
the important thing is that we can talk about it
Jeremy Meyers
i know
here’s the thing
when i was living with my dad as an adult
a lot of my time was spent with like…blinders on… just trying to get through another day
figuring out different ways how i could get through the week
being at home, on the computer, watching tv, reading, porning, whatever
coping mechanisms
and it was a really hard time for me
and that replicated itself when i first moved in to my apartment
when i was by myself
there were a lot of nights and weekends where i’d just do my best to oookill time until i could sleep
and my sleep schedule switched around to being awake at night
and usch
as my default
and it was sad but i was comfortable
in that spiral
so when i have an extended period where i feel like i dont really have a purpose
like now
even though i know intellectually that its only temporary
theres a pull inside for me to go back into that, and protect myself, and shut down from others
and like…get onthe computer when i can’t sleep
and play with people online when i feel lonely
but its different because i can’t just do that because i have you, so there are consequences
i can’t just hide
so that causes friction
and makes me want to push and get snarky
even though i dont really WANT to
and i guess leads to you feeling taken for granted
i just have to figure out what to d
and how to cope
yeah thats all i have
Kate Farina
whoa, sorry i was away from my desk
i do understand that somewhat
i haven’t been in that exact situation, but i have gone through periods like that
i was seriously depressed living in phoenix and then after when i was unemployed
and i know that as much as i bitch about my job and i hate it on many levels, i would have some trouble if i didn’t have it
maybe this sounds weird to you, but when we started dating, you seemed so stable and together
i say ‘seemed’ because that was my perception, i’m not sure if it was your reality
Jeremy Meyers
well, i was more togehter than the last time we hung out
plus i’d just started a new job that i liked
Kate Farina
and you were so into meditation and stuff
and i was a fucking mess
i’ve talked about this with my therapist, how sometimes i’m more comfortable not being the ‘leader’ in some ways
so i guess that’s why i’ve felt a little uneasy lately. i feel a little more responsibility to sort of keep things on track or whatever
Jeremy Meyers
i’m not sure what you think you ahve to do beyond what you usually do
Kate Farina
i guess i have an urge to try and make you ‘happy’
or feel like it’s all going to be okay
provide some comfort
but i know that i can’t fix it
i can’t really do much of anything except be supportive and access to my butt
Jeremy Meyers
i think the thing is
this is how it is
Kate Farina
Jeremy Meyers
and it seems like when either of us try to ‘fix’ or whatever, it jsut makes it worse
Kate Farina
we’re doing the best we can during a tough time
Jeremy Meyers
i dont want to be snippy at you
i know its misdirected
Kate Farina
Jeremy Meyers
but sometiems i am
when i’m feeling like this
Kate Farina
i love you even when you’re feeling not so great
but i reserve the right to call you out on being snippy
Jeremy Meyers
i know
i jsut wanted you to know that i know i’m doing it and i dont like…feel good about it but i’m trying to figure out how to be in this situation when its not just me.
Kate Farina
yes. i’m still figuring stuff out too
Jeremy Meyers
and my default is to push people away
no matter who they are
Kate Farina
just don’t push me out of bed

Print Friendly, PDF & Email

Written by admin

March 22nd, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Posted in Kate

Leave a Reply