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Private Journal – Keep Out.

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Jeremy Meyers
so…yeah.
11:57
Kate Farina

11:58
Jeremy Meyers
i’m sorry its been difficult lately
11:58
Kate Farina
hey, you’re going through a challenging time. i didn’t sign up for the good parts only
and god knows, i have my rough times too
the important thing is that we can talk about it
12:00
Jeremy Meyers
i know
here’s the thing
when i was living with my dad as an adult
a lot of my time was spent with like…blinders on… just trying to get through another day
figuring out different ways how i could get through the week
being at home, on the computer, watching tv, reading, porning, whatever
coping mechanisms
diversion
s
and it was a really hard time for me
and that replicated itself when i first moved in to my apartment
when i was by myself
there were a lot of nights and weekends where i’d just do my best to oookill time until i could sleep
and my sleep schedule switched around to being awake at night
and usch
such
as my default
and it was sad but i was comfortable
in that spiral
so when i have an extended period where i feel like i dont really have a purpose
like now
even though i know intellectually that its only temporary
theres a pull inside for me to go back into that, and protect myself, and shut down from others
and like…get onthe computer when i can’t sleep
and play with people online when i feel lonely
etc
but its different because i can’t just do that because i have you, so there are consequences
i can’t just hide
so that causes friction
and makes me want to push and get snarky
even though i dont really WANT to
and i guess leads to you feeling taken for granted
so
i just have to figure out what to d
o
and how to cope
yeah thats all i have
Kate Farina
whoa, sorry i was away from my desk
okay.
i do understand that somewhat
i haven’t been in that exact situation, but i have gone through periods like that
i was seriously depressed living in phoenix and then after when i was unemployed
and i know that as much as i bitch about my job and i hate it on many levels, i would have some trouble if i didn’t have it
maybe this sounds weird to you, but when we started dating, you seemed so stable and together
i say ‘seemed’ because that was my perception, i’m not sure if it was your reality
12:16
Jeremy Meyers
well, i was more togehter than the last time we hung out
plus i’d just started a new job that i liked
12:17
Kate Farina
right
and you were so into meditation and stuff
and i was a fucking mess
i’ve talked about this with my therapist, how sometimes i’m more comfortable not being the ‘leader’ in some ways
so i guess that’s why i’ve felt a little uneasy lately. i feel a little more responsibility to sort of keep things on track or whatever
12:21
Jeremy Meyers
i’m not sure what you think you ahve to do beyond what you usually do
12:22
Kate Farina
i guess i have an urge to try and make you ‘happy’
or feel like it’s all going to be okay
provide some comfort
but i know that i can’t fix it
i can’t really do much of anything except be supportive and access to my butt
12:27
Jeremy Meyers
i think the thing is
this is how it is
12:30
Kate Farina
yes
12:31
Jeremy Meyers
and it seems like when either of us try to ‘fix’ or whatever, it jsut makes it worse
12:31
Kate Farina
we’re doing the best we can during a tough time
12:31
Jeremy Meyers
i dont want to be snippy at you
i know its misdirected
12:31
Kate Farina
okay
12:32
Jeremy Meyers
but sometiems i am
when i’m feeling like this
12:35
Kate Farina
i love you even when you’re feeling not so great
but i reserve the right to call you out on being snippy
12:35
Jeremy Meyers
i know
i jsut wanted you to know that i know i’m doing it and i dont like…feel good about it but i’m trying to figure out how to be in this situation when its not just me.
12:36
Kate Farina
yes. i’m still figuring stuff out too
12:36
Jeremy Meyers
and my default is to push people away
no matter who they are
12:37
Kate Farina
just don’t push me out of bed

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Written by admin

March 22nd, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Posted in Kate

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