Private Journal – Keep Out.

Archive for August, 2011

new findings

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resistance to excitment/creativity was a way sto exert control over my life, also mirrors dad’s ‘my way or the highway’ approach to what i’m ‘allowed too do’

talked with mom about dad ‘putting family first’…says he always wanted to amke sure that i was provided for, but art was always first for him abotve all else even before i was born…when they were goint otr be married he warned her that art would always come first…used to warn his class “if you can do anything other than art, go do that instead” and that eople like him shouldn’t have kids.

art was like a preferred sibling, which is why i get triggered to be angry and resentful in places like museums, where art is revered, and why i have internal blockages about my own creative output. need to try to take on projects that are simple enough not to trigger my resistance.

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August 30th, 2011 at 7:05 pm

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I’m scared that I’m getting in my own way when it comes til getting a job, our sabotaging myself.

Maybe I don’t want to let myself succeed because I’ll be all out of excuses and can’t blame my parents for my troubles.

Need to better define the problem and not resist doing so

What keeps me trapped?

Don’t want anyone s seeing me doing well, or doing what.I love

Don’t want to impose.

Problems are meant to be endured, not addressed?

Pressure of being creative with a creative family?

Avoiding responsibility for my own life?

Don’t want my successes taken away?

Safety net of angst is a connection where no other exists?

If I’m over it, where does that leave my relationship with my parents?

Am I doing it for them somehow

I feel guilty for trying to change myself once it butts up against others expectations of me…?

Ruts must end

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August 2nd, 2011 at 10:10 am

Posted in Family,Work