Jeremy Meyers
i was all touching up on ya last night, you were having none of it.
10:26
Kate Farina
i was asleep!
or mostly asleep
10:26
Jeremy Meyers
ok
10:27
Kate Farina
what time did you come to bed?
10:27
Jeremy Meyers
came and then left again
10:29
Kate Farina
ok i wasn’t sure. i thought maybe you left
10:34
Jeremy Meyers
yeah i did
to take care of business
10:37
Kate Farina
ok. sorry it was like 2 am and i had been sleepin for a bit
10:37
Jeremy Meyers
ok
11:03
Jeremy Meyers
meh
11:04
Kate Farina
11:05
Jeremy Meyers
frustrating.
11:06
Kate Farina
what is
11:06
Jeremy Meyers
a lot of things
11:06
Kate Farina
well of course it is frustrating when you put it that way
can we make time for cuddles and stuff
in bed
11:06
Jeremy Meyers
it just feels so broken
11:07
Kate Farina
what does
11:07
Jeremy Meyers
our physical passion for each other
11:07
Kate Farina
i don’t know what to do with “it just feels so broken”
11:08
Jeremy Meyers
you dont have to do anything with it
11:08
Kate Farina
i don’t have anything to do with our phsyical passion?
11:09
Jeremy Meyers
i dont know what to do with “i dont know what to do with”
11:09
Kate Farina
well it’s a pretty provocative statement
and i thought you don’t like “i just” statements
11:10
Jeremy Meyers
no
its that “i just wish that…” implies that the wish is something simple when its often something complicated.
11:13
Kate Farina
well having these kinds of conversations is part of why sex feels stressful to me
11:13
Jeremy Meyers
ok well then forget it
11:13
Kate Farina
because i feel like “this better go well or jeremy will say our passion is broken”
so i don’t know how to have open communication about it like thist
11:13
Jeremy Meyers
ok seriously forget i said anything
11:14
Kate Farina
it fucking HURTS when you throw bombs like that
and i’m PISSED AT YOU
11:14
Jeremy Meyers
i take it all back. everythings fine
11:14
Kate Farina
you make me feel like shit sometimes
i’m sorry. i’m just sick of this aspect of our relationship
i felt so close to you while we were in new york
and as soon as we got back stuff changed again
11:15
Jeremy Meyers
you went back to school and worked and then came home and worked and didn’t like sleeping and i was frustrated with my own life and here we are again.
11:17
Kate Farina
i love you so much, but sometimes this stuff is just so hard to deal with
11:17
Jeremy Meyers
yeah
11:18
Kate Farina
i’m sorry i blew up
11:18
Jeremy Meyers
thats fine
do what you need to do
but if i can’t bring it up lest it stress you out, and you dont bring it up other than to respond to me saying that its a lot of pressure for you, i dont know where that leaves us.
11:20
Kate Farina
i know. i get it
11:20
Jeremy Meyers
i dont think i’m being unreasonable and i’m not sure why you feel so much pressure to be perfect or whatever
11:20
Kate Farina
but “i feel like our physical relationship is broken” isn’t exactly a helpful place to start
11:20
Jeremy Meyers
thats not where its started. its every time we talka bout it for years now
i’m not sure how much responsibility i can take for or how helpful i can be in addressing that particular aspect of your baggage
11:21
Kate Farina
this isn’t just about my baggage
or your baggage
this is stuff that has been happening in this relationship
unique to this relationship
11:22
Jeremy Meyers
it comes from somewhere.
i’ve never asked you to live up to a particular standard, and yet you’re terrified of “not performing well enough for me”
that doesn’t come from me.
11:22
Kate Farina
but maybe it’s BECAUSE of stuff that happens in our relationship that i feel that way
maybe it’s because most of our conversations are about how bad our sex life is
11:24
Jeremy Meyers
ok well i take it back then. but i dont know how to fix things without talking about them. it doens’t seem like not talking about things that are challenging makes them any better.
11:24
Kate Farina
we need to talk about negative stuff, yes. of course. but maybe we need to talk about positive stuff too
or give each other positive encouragement or feedback
11:25
Jeremy Meyers
are you kidding? i feel like we do that all the time
i’m constantly supportive of you
i help you with your homework, i listen to your stories
11:25
Kate Farina
i mean in sex stuff
11:25
Jeremy Meyers
and i’m happy to do it whenever i can
11:26
Kate Farina
specifically
we do that all the time except in our sex conversations
11:26
Jeremy Meyers
i try to involve you with my online flirting and stuff
11:27
Kate Farina
ok, that might do it for you, but maybe it doesn’t for me
in the same way
11:27
Jeremy Meyers
or at all
11:27
Kate Farina
i’m not saying “at all”
11:27
Jeremy Meyers
ok
11:27
Kate Farina
and i’m not just talking about the act of flirting
i mean just in our conversations about our sex life
maybe we need to start with good things
11:29
Jeremy Meyers
…
11:30
Kate Farina
i mean, “i like when you ____. it was fun when we ______”
i say that we should make time to get into bed earlier and i get hit with “our physical intimacy is broken.”
11:34
Jeremy Meyers
it wasn’t a response to your suggestion
11:34
Kate Farina
it seemed that way
11:34
Jeremy Meyers
in any case i said ‘physical passion for each other’
two way street
not ‘you are messing up my sex life’
i dont even really know how you feel other than you hate when i bring it up
11:36
Kate Farina
then maybe ask how i feel without it being a lament about our sex life
i mean that sincerely not snarky
11:38
Jeremy Meyers
…
11:38
Kate Farina
i guess that’s what i’m saying about not starting the conversation from a negative place
11:38
Jeremy Meyers
i feel like if i dont start it it would never get started
11:38
Kate Farina
if you don’t what?
11:38
Jeremy Meyers
and i don’t know how it became my issue
that you get hurt by
11:39
Kate Farina
what issue?
talking about it?
11:39
Jeremy Meyers
the state of our sex life
whatever it is
11:40
Kate Farina
it’s not “your” issue
11:40
Jeremy Meyers
ok
11:40
Kate Farina
it’s our issue
11:40
Jeremy Meyers
feels like it
11:40
Kate Farina
are you kidding?
11:40
Jeremy Meyers
if i were you i’d be fucking pissed that you werent getting fucked more often. i’d be demanding it.
11:41
Kate Farina
you mean because of the prostate thing?
11:41
Jeremy Meyers
what?
11:42
Kate Farina
are you saying it’s your issue because of that?
i’m confused
11:42
Jeremy Meyers
no
because i bring it up
11:42
Kate Farina
no. i assume you bring it up because it is my issue
11:42
Jeremy Meyers
well maybe i should stop and see what happens
since i dont seem to be helping
11:43
Kate Farina
are you hearing me?
er…reading me?
i’m not saying that we shouldn’t talk about it
11:43
Jeremy Meyers
yes, you think i bring it up because i want to complain about you not putting out
or whatever, however you want to phrase it
11:43
Kate Farina
sometimes yeah
isn’t that kind of the truth?
11:44
Jeremy Meyers
if you dont want to fuck me, we can address that.
11:44
Kate Farina
you bring it up when you’re frustrated with me
right?
11:45
Jeremy Meyers
not just.
but i am often frustrated about that part
becuase it seems like you say you want to more than you actually want to
or can bring yourself to act on
or respond to
even now that you’re off birth control
11:48
Kate Farina
i don’t think there’s one major reason
i think it’s a combination of things
which isn’t a satisfying answer
but i think it’s mostly about being stressed and busy…about feeling lonely…and being at a point in our relationship where things feel kind of stagnant
11:52
Jeremy Meyers
because we’re not married?
11:52
Kate Farina
no
i just mean being in a long term relationship
11:52
Jeremy Meyers
so your’e bored?
i mean, thats fine
11:52
Kate Farina
i don’t really know how to do that, in terms of sex
11:53
Jeremy Meyers
i dont think the answer is to have less sex
11:53
Kate Farina
and i’m not saying i’m bored of you sexually. because i feel like we really have only begun to explore
11:53
Jeremy Meyers
or to do fewer new things
11:54
Kate Farina
there is stuff i want to say but it is hard
11:54
Jeremy Meyers
now or in general
11:54
Kate Farina
i don’t want to hurt you
11:54
Jeremy Meyers
i love being intimate with you but i dont really feel like you’ve been into me specifically sexually for awhile, as much as enjoying the opportunity to have sex when you can
11:55
Kate Farina
i do love being intimate with you too
11:55
Jeremy Meyers
and if thats true, then we need to address it one way or another
its hurting me when we just dont do it at all, too.
11:55
Kate Farina
but for a big chunk of our relationship (more so lately), i think you’ve been down or depressed or something along those lines
and sometimes you are the most loving, sweetest person
like this past weekend
and i wanted to jump your bones
but sometimes you just seem so down. and even though you might grab my butt or whatever, i just don’t feel that spark
11:57
Jeremy Meyers
so your’e saying i’m too sad and not ind enough of the time for you to want to have sex with me?
11:58
Kate Farina
it is not easy to explain
i’m trying
11:58
Jeremy Meyers
ok
11:58
Kate Farina
i am crying in here ok?
11:59
Jeremy Meyers
we can change the subject
i just want to know whats really going on
11:59
Kate Farina
?
11:59
Jeremy Meyers
because i’ve felt pretty rejected a lot of the time
12:00
Thursday, November 29, 2012
12:00
Kate Farina
it just has not been that easy for me
it’s really hard to put into words
everything i say is sounding wrong
12:01
Jeremy Meyers
take your time
12:02
Kate Farina
i have watched you go through some difficult stuff
and there were/are some times when i’m frustrated that i just try to bury
sometimes you being depressed does affect my desire for you i guess
12:05
Jeremy Meyers
do you think i’m depressed now?
12:05
Kate Farina
yes
12:05
Jeremy Meyers
well you’re wrong
12:05
Kate Farina
sometimes
well i suggested that last year and you also said i was wrong
i’m not a therapist. i don’t know
12:06
Jeremy Meyers
no.
12:06
Kate Farina
but i do spend a lot of time around you
12:06
Jeremy Meyers
so i’m sad so you dont want to have sex
ok
12:06
Kate Farina
jeremy
you complain about me being defensive during these difficult conversation
s
12:07
Jeremy Meyers
i’m just trying to figure out whats really going on
you’ve seen me go through some difficult stuff, and my life is not where i want it to be, so you dont feel attracted to me because sometimes i’m sad
thats what i’m getting
tell me if i’m wrong
12:08
Kate Farina
it’s not a blanket thing
it’s not an if then statement or whatever
but i think it has been a factor
you treat me differently when your mood changes
which i get. that’s natural
12:09
Jeremy Meyers
everyone treats everyone differently when their mood changes
12:09
Kate Farina
yes i know
when you act all loving to me, it is a turn on
12:10
Jeremy Meyers
it can’t be the only turn-on. i always love you, i dont always feel shmoopy, and i dont always feel shmoopy when i’m also horny.
12:11
Kate Farina
i’m not saying it’s the only turn on
12:12
Jeremy Meyers
ok
12:12
Kate Farina
just giving an example
12:12
Jeremy Meyers
brb
12:14
Kate Farina
i’m sorry. i don’t have a good sensible explanation
12:14
Jeremy Meyers
well maybe you could make me a list
so i know what to do
because it feels pretty broken to me right now.
12:14
Kate Farina
i know sometimes i really do desire you. sometimes i don’t feel it as strongly
12:15
Jeremy Meyers
and maybe trying to spare my feelings isn’t actually working how you want it to work
because it just makes me feel like you either dont want to have sex or you do but not with me or you do but not with me how we do it.
but you wont just say any of those things
12:15
Kate Farina
ps…data is o this episode of friends
12:15
Jeremy Meyers
ok
12:16
Kate Farina
i am really reluctant to say some things, yes
12:16
Jeremy Meyers
has that ever worked in our relationship?
12:16
Kate Farina
because you might feel hurt
12:17
Jeremy Meyers
fuck it
then i’ll feel hurt
and i’ll yell and be pissed
i’d rather be pissed than feel nothing
or feel like theres nothing actually being communicated
other than you keeping your legs tightly together when i’m touching you
like you’re waiting for me to stop
i understand your’e stressed and super busy with school and we’re just getting settled. i just want to figure out what’s really going on
and it feels like you’re just not that interested
and if thats the case, then we need to figure something out
12:21
Kate Farina
well, to be fair, sometimes post-midnight is not exactly the best time for me
12:22
Jeremy Meyers
ah but thats my fault because you wait for me tos ay when we should go to bed because you dont like sleeping
for whatever reason
i’m trying to be kind here but i’m also pissed and frustrated and hurt
12:22
Kate Farina
STOP REPHRASING THINGS AS ME BLAMING YOU
12:23
Jeremy Meyers
then what
12:23
Kate Farina
the late night thing is my problem too
i love you. like, as much as one person can love another. but there have been some difficult times in the course of our relationship. maybe that has affected some stuff for me. maybe part of it is just being with one person for several years.
12:26
Jeremy Meyers
what do you mean specifically by ‘affected some stuff’
your feelings for me are not in question
12:26
Kate Farina
i don’t know. maybe i resent you
12:27
Jeremy Meyers
ok
for what
or why
12:27
Kate Farina
i hate this
12:28
Jeremy Meyers
just say what you want to say
would you rather talk than type?
12:28
Kate Farina
i’ll just cry
12:28
Jeremy Meyers
up to you
but if you resent me, thats a big thing
thats a poison
12:30
Kate Farina
i don’t know. i don’t really know if that’s true
i think i might have for awhile when we were still in new york
12:30
Jeremy Meyers
few things are more toxic to a relationship
…
if not that then what
hello?
12:36
Kate Farina
i don’t know what to type
i don’t feel like there’s a poison in our relationship
12:36
Jeremy Meyers
ok
12:37
Kate Farina
but i just don’t feel like a fiery passion, at least not all of the time
12:38
Jeremy Meyers
yes, thats what relationships do
12:38
Kate Farina
well how do people deal with it
12:38
Jeremy Meyers
they fuck more
and do different things
and make it a priority
and sometimes they cheat
and sometimes they bring another girl or guy home
once the initial crush + infatuation/novelty wears off and is replaced with bonding stuff then its less ‘fiery all the time’
real life comes in, and soon enough you’re washing each others underpants or whatever
i dont know, kate, i’ve never been in a relationship for more than a year, and that one shouldve ended after six months and she cheated on me constantly
but i do know that the solution to not feeling limerance anymore isn’t to pair rejecting me with trying to protect my feelings about it by not talking about it
unless you wantt o have a lot more conversations like this.
12:42
Kate Farina
sometimes i think about the first few month of our relationship and i get sad
12:43
Jeremy Meyers
nobody keeps having as much sex as they did in the first few months of their relationsip
ship
ask anyone you know
we hardly knew anything about each other other than we liked each other a lot and wanted to be naked all the time
thats brain chemicals
you know…the seven year itch/
12:45
Kate Farina
yeah
12:49
Jeremy Meyers
so you’re over it
or something
12:50
Kate Farina
i’m over it?
12:51
Jeremy Meyers
i dont knwo
12:51
Kate Farina
over our relationship?
i’m not over our relationship
12:51
Jeremy Meyers
i’m not sure how to interpret what you’re saying other than the implication that you’re kinda meh on the whole lust factor with me
12:52
Kate Farina
do you feel lust for me?
12:53
Jeremy Meyers
sometimes but its hard when it doesn’t feel like you’re particularly receptive to it
whether thats real or imagined
12:53
Kate Farina
well in weird way i feel that way too
except i get that you’re physically receptive
ok, i think you will take issue with me saying this, but i just feel like you’re sometimes in a bad mood
12:56
Jeremy Meyers
i am a person. i am sometimes in a bad mood
12:56
Kate Farina
yes but, to me, it seems like more than that
and i think it has affected our relationship, or how i relate to you
doesn’t mean i don’t love you
12:58
Jeremy Meyers
you, also, are sometimes in a bad mood. or a stressed mood. or a busy mood
if you want to be with someone who’se never in a bad mood, i could get some uppers
12:58
Kate Farina
yeah, but jeremy, you seriously don’t think that you’ve been down for a while?
12:59
Jeremy Meyers
down is different than depressed
12:59
Kate Farina
i’m not using the word depressed
at this point
12:59
Jeremy Meyers
i’ve been down because i’ve had nothing going on
other than oyu
you
12:59
Kate Farina
ok well that is a tricky situation for both of us
1:00
Jeremy Meyers
i understand if you want to pull away from me.
do you think all that we’ve gone through in our relationship is too much?
1:00
Kate Farina
it just seems like i get the silent/upset treatment fairly often
1:01
Jeremy Meyers
i never learned how to be mad at someone
because it didn’t make a difference
or i got my stuff broken
or hit
or yelled at right back
so i just STFU.
couples fight and then they make up. if you think you can find someone that you can have a relationship and never fight, then by all means.
1:02
Kate Farina
i’m not saying we should never fight
but when you shut me out, it hurts and i don’t know what to do and that’s when i get so pissed at you
it’s like you become a different person
1:03
Jeremy Meyers
no. i’m the same person but angry.
you have been a huge part of my social experience the last few years and here in a new place especially. now you are spending all day at school and then you come home and do homework and then go to sleep. and then dont want to invite friends over because you see them all the time. can you see how it would make me lonely and hurt and resentful, even though i support you and you going to school?
1:04
Kate Farina
so you resent me now?
1:04
Jeremy Meyers
and then to basically not want to be physical with me because i’m too sad?
and because things arent how they used to be?
sometimes. but thats my fault for not having a more diverse life right now.
i get that my life doesn’t exist in a vacuum and that it affects you too
i just dont know what to do now.
1:08
Kate Farina
i guess this is a rough patch
1:08
Jeremy Meyers
i wish you would have said these things before.
rather than trying to protect me
that never works.
never.
1:09
Kate Farina
well i’m not good at being direct with people, especially with negative stuff
1:09
Jeremy Meyers
i’m not people.
1:11
Kate Farina
well
what should we do
1:11
Jeremy Meyers
i dont know.
1:12
Kate Farina
i love you. i don’t want this to ruin our relationship
1:12
Jeremy Meyers
ok
i dont either
we’ll have to fix it.
1:13
Kate Farina
o
k
1:14
Jeremy Meyers
i have no further wisdom
or anything, really
we’ll figure it out
we always do, dont we
1:18
Kate Farina
well it’s 1:18
i guess we have so far
1:18
Jeremy Meyers
or maybe i only thought we did
1:19
Kate Farina
we have made it through stuff that would have broken other people up
1:19
Jeremy Meyers
how do you feel?
1:19
Kate Farina
terrible
1:19
Jeremy Meyers
me too.
1:20
Kate Farina
this is why i don’t like to talk about difficult stuff
1:20
Jeremy Meyers
kate its not fucking better to keep it to yourself
1:20
Kate Farina
i’m not saying it is
i’m saying that this terrible feeling is probably why i do keep it in
1:21
Jeremy Meyers
if we’d been talking about it the whole time it wouldn’t have to have been a four hour fight
1:22
Kate Farina
or would it be a fight that went on for three years?
1:22
Jeremy Meyers
thats your mom talking.
sorry that wasn’t fair
i’d rather you bring stuff up and have it be a little difficult every once in awhile than keep it to yourself and have it be awful all at once.
1:24
Kate Farina
i know
1:25
Jeremy Meyers
not to pile on.
1:26
Kate Farina
i think i need to get some sleep
1:27
Jeremy Meyers
ok
i’ll be in shortly
if thats okay
1:37
Kate Farina
i can’t seem to get myself off the couch
1:37
Jeremy Meyers
that’s okay too
1:38
Kate Farina
can we hug?
1:38
Jeremy Meyers
i need a minute to finish something then of course
1:38
Kate Farina
i’m gonna brush my teeth
