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Jeremy Meyers

i was all touching up on ya last night, you were having none of it.

 

10:26

Kate Farina

i was asleep!

or mostly asleep

10:26

Jeremy Meyers

ok

 

10:27

Kate Farina

what time did you come to bed?

10:27

Jeremy Meyers

came and then left again

 

10:29

Kate Farina

ok i wasn’t sure. i thought maybe you left

10:34

Jeremy Meyers

yeah i did

to take care of business

 

10:37

Kate Farina

ok. sorry it was like 2 am and i had been sleepin for a bit

10:37

Jeremy Meyers

ok

11:03

Jeremy Meyers

meh

 

11:04

Kate Farina

 

11:05

Jeremy Meyers

frustrating.

 

11:06

Kate Farina

what is

11:06

Jeremy Meyers

a lot of things

 

11:06

Kate Farina

well of course it is frustrating when you put it that way

can we make time for cuddles and stuff

in bed

11:06

Jeremy Meyers

it just feels so broken

 

11:07

Kate Farina

what does

11:07

Jeremy Meyers

our physical passion for each other

 

11:07

Kate Farina

i don’t know what to do with “it just feels so broken”

11:08

Jeremy Meyers

you dont have to do anything with it

 

11:08

Kate Farina

i don’t have anything to do with our phsyical passion?

11:09

Jeremy Meyers

i dont know what to do with “i dont know what to do with”

 

11:09

Kate Farina

well it’s a pretty provocative statement

and i thought you don’t like “i just” statements

11:10

Jeremy Meyers

no

its that “i just wish that…” implies that the wish is something simple when its often something complicated.

 

11:13

Kate Farina

well having these kinds of conversations is part of why sex feels stressful to me

11:13

Jeremy Meyers

ok well then forget it

 

11:13

Kate Farina

because i feel like “this better go well or jeremy will say our passion is broken”

so i don’t know how to have open communication about it like thist

11:13

Jeremy Meyers

ok seriously forget i said anything

 

11:14

Kate Farina

it fucking HURTS when you throw bombs like that

and i’m PISSED AT YOU

11:14

Jeremy Meyers

i take it all back. everythings fine

 

11:14

Kate Farina

you make me feel like shit sometimes

i’m sorry. i’m just sick of this aspect of our relationship

i felt so close to you while we were in new york

and as soon as we got back stuff changed again

11:15

Jeremy Meyers

you went back to school and worked and then came home and worked and didn’t like sleeping and i was frustrated with my own life and here we are again.

 

11:17

Kate Farina

i love you so much, but sometimes this stuff is just so hard to deal with

11:17

Jeremy Meyers

yeah

 

11:18

Kate Farina

i’m sorry i blew up

11:18

Jeremy Meyers

thats fine

do what you need to do

but if i can’t bring it up lest it stress you out, and you dont bring it up other than to respond to me saying that its a lot of pressure for you, i dont know where that leaves us.

 

11:20

Kate Farina

i know. i get it

11:20

Jeremy Meyers

i dont think i’m being unreasonable and i’m not sure why you feel so much pressure to be perfect or whatever

 

11:20

Kate Farina

but “i feel like our physical relationship is broken” isn’t exactly a helpful place to start

11:20

Jeremy Meyers

thats not where its started. its every time we talka bout it for years now

i’m not sure how much responsibility i can take for or how helpful i can be in addressing that particular aspect of your baggage

 

11:21

Kate Farina

this isn’t just about my baggage

or your baggage

this is stuff that has been happening in this relationship

unique to this relationship

11:22

Jeremy Meyers

it comes from somewhere.

i’ve never asked you to live up to a particular standard, and yet you’re terrified of “not performing well enough for me”

that doesn’t come from me.

 

11:22

Kate Farina

but maybe it’s BECAUSE of stuff that happens in our relationship that i feel that way

maybe it’s because most of our conversations are about how bad our sex life is

11:24

Jeremy Meyers

ok well i take it back then. but i dont know how to fix things without talking about them. it doens’t seem like not talking about things that are challenging makes them any better.

 

11:24

Kate Farina

we need to talk about negative stuff, yes. of course. but maybe we need to talk about positive stuff too

or give each other positive encouragement or feedback

11:25

Jeremy Meyers

are you kidding? i feel like we do that all the time

i’m constantly supportive of you

i help you with your homework, i listen to your stories

 

11:25

Kate Farina

i mean in sex stuff

11:25

Jeremy Meyers

and i’m happy to do it whenever i can

 

11:26

Kate Farina

specifically

we do that all the time except in our sex conversations

11:26

Jeremy Meyers

i try to involve you with my online flirting and stuff

 

11:27

Kate Farina

ok, that might do it for you, but maybe it doesn’t for me

in the same way

11:27

Jeremy Meyers

or at all

 

11:27

Kate Farina

i’m not saying “at all”

11:27

Jeremy Meyers

ok

 

11:27

Kate Farina

and i’m not just talking about the act of flirting

i mean just in our conversations about our sex life

maybe we need to start with good things

11:29

Jeremy Meyers

 

11:30

Kate Farina

i mean, “i like when you ____. it was fun when we ______”

i say that we should make time to get into bed earlier and i get hit with “our physical intimacy is broken.”

11:34

Jeremy Meyers

it wasn’t a response to your suggestion

 

11:34

Kate Farina

it seemed that way

11:34

Jeremy Meyers

in any case i said ‘physical passion for each other’

two way street

not ‘you are messing up my sex life’

i dont even really know how you feel other than you hate when i bring it up

 

11:36

Kate Farina

then maybe ask how i feel without it being a lament about our sex life

i mean that sincerely  not snarky

11:38

Jeremy Meyers

 

11:38

Kate Farina

i guess that’s what i’m saying about not starting the conversation from a negative place

11:38

Jeremy Meyers

i feel like if i dont start it it would never get started

 

11:38

Kate Farina

if you don’t what?

11:38

Jeremy Meyers

and i don’t know how it became my issue

that you get hurt by

 

11:39

Kate Farina

what issue?

talking about it?

11:39

Jeremy Meyers

the state of our sex life

whatever it is

 

11:40

Kate Farina

it’s not “your” issue

11:40

Jeremy Meyers

ok

 

11:40

Kate Farina

it’s our issue

11:40

Jeremy Meyers

feels like it

 

11:40

Kate Farina

are you kidding?

11:40

Jeremy Meyers

if i were you i’d be fucking pissed that you werent getting fucked more often. i’d be demanding it.

 

11:41

Kate Farina

you mean because of the prostate thing?

11:41

Jeremy Meyers

what?

 

11:42

Kate Farina

are you saying it’s your issue because of that?

i’m confused

11:42

Jeremy Meyers

no

because i bring it up

 

11:42

Kate Farina

no. i assume you bring it up because it is my issue

11:42

Jeremy Meyers

well maybe i should stop and see what happens

since i dont seem to be helping

 

11:43

Kate Farina

are you hearing me?

er…reading me?

i’m not saying that we shouldn’t talk about it

11:43

Jeremy Meyers

yes, you think i bring it up because i want to complain about you not putting out

or whatever, however you want to phrase it

 

11:43

Kate Farina

sometimes yeah

isn’t that kind of the truth?

11:44

Jeremy Meyers

if you dont want to fuck me, we can address that.

 

11:44

Kate Farina

you bring it up when you’re frustrated with me

right?

11:45

Jeremy Meyers

not just.

but i am often frustrated about that part

becuase it seems like you say you want to more than you actually want to

or  can bring yourself to act on

or respond to

even now that you’re off birth control

 

11:48

Kate Farina

i don’t think there’s one major reason

i think it’s a combination of things

which isn’t a satisfying answer

but i think it’s mostly about being stressed and busy…about feeling lonely…and being at a point in our relationship where things feel kind of stagnant

11:52

Jeremy Meyers

because we’re not married?

 

11:52

Kate Farina

no

i just mean being in a long term relationship

11:52

Jeremy Meyers

so your’e bored?

i mean, thats fine

 

11:52

Kate Farina

i don’t really know how to  do that, in terms of sex

11:53

Jeremy Meyers

i dont think the answer is to have less sex

 

11:53

Kate Farina

and i’m not saying i’m bored of you sexually. because i feel like we really have only begun to explore

11:53

Jeremy Meyers

or to do fewer new things

 

11:54

Kate Farina

there is stuff i want to say but it is hard

11:54

Jeremy Meyers

now or in general

 

11:54

Kate Farina

i don’t want to hurt you

11:54

Jeremy Meyers

i love being intimate with you but i dont really feel like you’ve been into me specifically sexually for awhile, as much as enjoying the opportunity to have sex when you can

 

11:55

Kate Farina

i do love being intimate with you too

11:55

Jeremy Meyers

and if thats true, then we need to address it one way or another

its hurting me when we just dont do it at all, too.

 

11:55

Kate Farina

but for a big chunk of our relationship (more so lately), i think you’ve been down or depressed or something along those lines

and sometimes you are the most loving, sweetest person

like this past weekend

and i wanted to jump your bones

but sometimes you just seem so down. and even though you might grab my butt or whatever, i just don’t feel that spark

11:57

Jeremy Meyers

so your’e saying i’m too sad and not ind enough of the time for you to want to have sex with me?

 

11:58

Kate Farina

it is not easy to explain

i’m trying

11:58

Jeremy Meyers

ok

 

11:58

Kate Farina

i am crying in here ok?

11:59

Jeremy Meyers

we can change the subject

i just want to know whats really going on

 

11:59

Kate Farina

?

11:59

Jeremy Meyers

because i’ve felt pretty rejected a lot of the time

12:00

Thursday, November 29, 2012

 

12:00

Kate Farina

it just has not been that easy for me

it’s really hard to put into words

everything i say is sounding wrong

12:01

Jeremy Meyers

take your time

 

12:02

Kate Farina

i have watched you go through some difficult stuff

and there were/are some times when i’m frustrated that i just try to bury

sometimes you being depressed does affect my desire for you i guess

12:05

Jeremy Meyers

do you think i’m depressed now?

 

12:05

Kate Farina

yes

12:05

Jeremy Meyers

well you’re wrong

 

12:05

Kate Farina

sometimes

well i suggested that last year and you also said i was wrong

i’m not a therapist. i don’t know

12:06

Jeremy Meyers

no.

 

12:06

Kate Farina

but i do spend a lot of time around you

12:06

Jeremy Meyers

so i’m sad so you dont want to have sex

ok

 

12:06

Kate Farina

jeremy

you complain about me being defensive during these difficult conversation

s

12:07

Jeremy Meyers

i’m just trying to figure out whats really going on

you’ve seen me go through some difficult stuff, and my life is not where i want it to be, so you dont feel attracted to me because sometimes i’m sad

thats what i’m getting

tell me if i’m wrong

 

12:08

Kate Farina

it’s not a blanket thing

it’s not an if then statement or whatever

but i think it has been a factor

you treat me differently when your mood changes

which i get. that’s natural

12:09

Jeremy Meyers

everyone treats everyone differently when their mood changes

 

12:09

Kate Farina

yes i know

when you act all loving to me, it is a turn on

12:10

Jeremy Meyers

it can’t be the only turn-on. i always love you, i dont always feel shmoopy, and i dont always feel shmoopy when i’m also horny.

 

12:11

Kate Farina

i’m not saying it’s the only turn on

12:12

Jeremy Meyers

ok

 

12:12

Kate Farina

just giving an example

12:12

Jeremy Meyers

brb

 

12:14

Kate Farina

i’m sorry. i don’t have a good sensible explanation

12:14

Jeremy Meyers

well maybe you could make me a list

so i know what to do

because it feels pretty broken to me right now.

 

12:14

Kate Farina

i know sometimes i really do desire you. sometimes i don’t feel it as strongly

12:15

Jeremy Meyers

and maybe trying to spare my feelings isn’t actually working how you want it to work

because it just makes me feel like you either dont want to have sex or you do but not with me or you do but not with me how we do it.

but you wont just say any of those things

 

12:15

Kate Farina

ps…data is o this episode of friends

12:15

Jeremy Meyers

ok

 

12:16

Kate Farina

i am really reluctant to say some things, yes

12:16

Jeremy Meyers

has that ever worked in our relationship?

 

12:16

Kate Farina

because you might feel hurt

12:17

Jeremy Meyers

fuck it

then i’ll feel hurt

and i’ll yell and be pissed

i’d rather be pissed than feel nothing

or feel like theres nothing actually being communicated

other than you keeping your legs tightly together when i’m touching you

like you’re waiting for me to stop

i understand your’e stressed and super busy with school and we’re just getting settled. i just want to figure out what’s really going on

and it feels like you’re just not that interested

and if thats the case, then we need to figure something out

 

12:21

Kate Farina

well, to be fair, sometimes post-midnight is not exactly the best time for me

12:22

Jeremy Meyers

ah but thats my fault because you wait for me tos ay when we should go to bed because you dont like sleeping

for whatever reason

i’m trying to be kind here but i’m also pissed and frustrated and hurt

 

12:22

Kate Farina

STOP REPHRASING THINGS AS ME BLAMING YOU

12:23

Jeremy Meyers

then what

 

12:23

Kate Farina

the late night thing is my problem too

i love you. like, as much as one person can love another. but there have been some difficult times in the course of our relationship. maybe that has affected some stuff for me. maybe part of it is just being with one person for several years.

12:26

Jeremy Meyers

what do you mean specifically by ‘affected some stuff’

your feelings for me are not in question

 

12:26

Kate Farina

i don’t know. maybe i resent you

12:27

Jeremy Meyers

ok

for what

or why

 

12:27

Kate Farina

i hate this

12:28

Jeremy Meyers

just say what you want to say

would you rather talk than type?

 

12:28

Kate Farina

i’ll just cry

12:28

Jeremy Meyers

up to you

but if you resent me, thats a big thing

thats a poison

 

12:30

Kate Farina

i don’t know. i don’t really know if that’s true

i think i might have for awhile when we were still in new york

12:30

Jeremy Meyers

few things are more toxic to a relationship

if not that then what

hello?

 

12:36

Kate Farina

i don’t know what to type

i don’t feel like there’s a poison in our relationship

12:36

Jeremy Meyers

ok

 

12:37

Kate Farina

but i just don’t feel like a fiery passion, at least not all of  the time

12:38

Jeremy Meyers

yes, thats what relationships do

 

12:38

Kate Farina

well how do people deal with it

12:38

Jeremy Meyers

they fuck more

and do different things

and make it a priority

and sometimes they cheat

and sometimes they bring another girl or guy home

once the initial crush + infatuation/novelty wears off and is replaced with bonding stuff then its less ‘fiery all the time’

real life comes in, and soon enough you’re washing each others underpants or whatever

i dont know, kate, i’ve never been in a relationship for more than a year, and that one shouldve ended after six months and she cheated on me constantly

but i do know that the solution to not feeling limerance anymore isn’t to pair rejecting me with trying to protect my feelings about it by not talking about it

unless you wantt o have a lot more conversations like this.

 

12:42

Kate Farina

sometimes i think about the first few month of our relationship and i get sad

12:43

Jeremy Meyers

nobody keeps having as much sex as they did in the first few months of their relationsip

ship

ask anyone you know

we hardly knew anything about each other other than we liked each other a lot and wanted to be naked all the time

thats brain chemicals

you know…the seven year itch/

 

12:45

Kate Farina

yeah

12:49

Jeremy Meyers

so you’re over it

or something

 

12:50

Kate Farina

i’m over it?

12:51

Jeremy Meyers

i dont knwo

 

12:51

Kate Farina

over our relationship?

i’m not over our relationship

12:51

Jeremy Meyers

i’m not sure how to interpret what you’re saying other than the implication that you’re kinda meh on the whole lust factor with me

 

12:52

Kate Farina

do you feel lust for me?

12:53

Jeremy Meyers

sometimes but its hard when it doesn’t feel like you’re particularly receptive to it

whether thats real or imagined

 

12:53

Kate Farina

well in weird way i feel that way too

except i get that you’re physically receptive

ok, i think you will take issue with me saying this, but i just feel like you’re sometimes in a bad mood

12:56

Jeremy Meyers

i am a person. i am sometimes in a bad mood

 

12:56

Kate Farina

yes but, to me, it seems like more than that

and i think it has affected our relationship, or how i relate to you

doesn’t mean i don’t love you

12:58

Jeremy Meyers

you, also, are sometimes in a bad mood. or a stressed mood. or a busy mood

if you want to be with someone who’se never in a bad mood, i could get some uppers

 

12:58

Kate Farina

yeah, but jeremy, you seriously don’t think that you’ve been down for a while?

12:59

Jeremy Meyers

down is different than depressed

 

12:59

Kate Farina

i’m not using the word depressed

at this point

12:59

Jeremy Meyers

i’ve been down because i’ve had nothing going on

other than oyu

you

 

12:59

Kate Farina

ok well that is a tricky situation for both of us

1:00

Jeremy Meyers

i understand if you want to pull away from me.

do you think all that we’ve gone through in our relationship is too much?

 

1:00

Kate Farina

it just seems like i get the silent/upset treatment fairly often

1:01

Jeremy Meyers

i never learned how to be mad at someone

because it didn’t make a difference

or i got my stuff broken

or hit

or yelled at right back

so i just STFU.

couples fight and then they make up. if you think you can find someone that you can have a relationship and never fight, then by all means.

 

1:02

Kate Farina

i’m not saying we should never fight

but when you shut me out, it hurts and i don’t know what to do and that’s when i get so pissed at you

it’s like you become a different person

1:03

Jeremy Meyers

no. i’m the same person but angry.

you have been a huge part of my social experience the last few years and here in a new place especially.  now you are spending all day at school and then you come home and do homework and then go to sleep. and then dont want to invite friends over because you see them all the time. can you see how it would make me lonely and hurt and resentful, even though i support you and you going to school?

 

1:04

Kate Farina

so you resent me now?

1:04

Jeremy Meyers

and then to basically not want to be physical with me because i’m too sad?

and because things arent how they used to be?

sometimes. but thats my fault for not having a more diverse life right now.

i get that my life doesn’t exist in a vacuum and that it affects you too

i just dont know what to do now.

 

1:08

Kate Farina

i guess this is a rough patch

1:08

Jeremy Meyers

i wish you would have said these things before.

rather than trying to protect me

that never works.

never.

 

1:09

Kate Farina

well i’m not good at being direct with people, especially with negative stuff

1:09

Jeremy Meyers

i’m not people.

 

1:11

Kate Farina

well

what should we do

1:11

Jeremy Meyers

i dont know.

 

1:12

Kate Farina

i love you. i don’t want this to ruin our relationship

1:12

Jeremy Meyers

ok

i dont either

we’ll have to fix it.

 

1:13

Kate Farina

o

k

1:14

Jeremy Meyers

i have no further wisdom

or anything, really

we’ll figure it out

we always do, dont we

 

1:18

Kate Farina

well it’s 1:18

i guess we have so far

1:18

Jeremy Meyers

or maybe i only thought we did

 

1:19

Kate Farina

we have made it through stuff that would have broken other people up

1:19

Jeremy Meyers

how do you feel?

 

1:19

Kate Farina

terrible

1:19

Jeremy Meyers

me too.

 

1:20

Kate Farina

this is why i don’t like to talk about difficult stuff

1:20

Jeremy Meyers

kate its not fucking better to keep it to yourself

 

1:20

Kate Farina

i’m not saying it is

i’m saying that this terrible feeling is probably why i do keep it in

1:21

Jeremy Meyers

if we’d been talking about it the whole time it wouldn’t have to have been a four hour fight

 

1:22

Kate Farina

or would it be a fight that went on for three years?

1:22

Jeremy Meyers

thats your mom talking.

sorry that wasn’t fair

i’d rather you bring stuff up and have it be a little difficult every once in awhile than keep it to yourself and have it be awful all at once.

 

1:24

Kate Farina

i know

1:25

Jeremy Meyers

not to pile on.

 

1:26

Kate Farina

i think i need to get some sleep

1:27

Jeremy Meyers

ok

i’ll be in shortly

if thats okay

 

1:37

Kate Farina

i can’t seem to get myself off the couch

1:37

Jeremy Meyers

that’s okay too

 

1:38

Kate Farina

can we hug?

1:38

Jeremy Meyers

i need a minute to finish something then of course

 

1:38

Kate Farina

i’m gonna brush my teeth

Written by admin

November 29th, 2012 at 11:03 am

Posted in Kate

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