there is power (pride?) in not doing what people ask of me, even if it is for my benefit, and i also get to beat myself up.
the power made me “seen” in an environment where i often was not seen or prioritized, attention-wise (growing up)
i need a way to make the resistance less of a charged thing without triggering my resistance
don’t necessarily trust my reactions to things because of my tendency toward self-sabotage, so a challenge to feel what resonates
need a way to move forward without
scary to think about whats on the other side
what am i willing to intend? what would peace do with this resistance?
a lot of inward directed anger about feeling like i’ve anchored myself
– be aware
– name it
ready, open, available
i am excited at the prospect of not feeling and being angry about a self-inflicted anchor dragging me down and also nervous at both the prospect of addressing it after all this time (because it still feels like it needs to be a fight) and what kind of new accountability i’ll be ersponsible for once i dont have that anchor as an ‘excuse’
motivated vs inspiration
