Private Journal – Keep Out.

I wish – Dad Edition Take One

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I wish that I felt more important than your freedom to do your art

I wish that the thing I was more important than at least made you happy.

I wish that I didn’t feel like I wasn’t even worth that, sometimes.

I wish you had made an effort to understand me on my own terms.

I wish that I didn’t feel so conflicted about how I feel about you, that you were all bad or all not bad.

I wish that I didn’t still feel the need to defend you, and that i felt okay writing you off.

I wish that you’d taught me how to shave.

I wish that we’d been able to have adult conversations where i felt listened to.

I wish that you didn’t both feel sad about our relationship and unwilling to make changes to improve it.

I wish I didn’t have to read about our relationship in a psychology book 20 years later than would have been super useful.

I wish my mom didn’t say that it would probably be better if people like you didn’t have kids. I wish I didn’t agree. I wish this list felt less angsty and juvenile.

I wish I’d felt like you valued building my agency, independence and motivation.

I wish I didn’t have to defer to your needs, and I wish this wasn’t framed in a way in which it seemed ‘normal’ and like it was aberrant for me to have and express my own needs, and that it would be ridiculous for me to have them met.

I wish you’d made room for me. I wish I couldn’t come up with examples where you did and feel like they negate my right to say that.

I wish I could’ve been RIGHT, sometimes.

I wish I didn’t feel like I have things that aren’t fair to add to this list.

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Written by admin

December 15th, 2014 at 1:17 am

Posted in Family

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