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kate letter to me

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i feel kind of sick about our conversation last night. i have so many feelings swirling around my head right now that it’s hard to get them organized into something relatively coherent.

i think that sometimes in these situations, people want to look for one huge obvious problem, but in my heart i know that it’s a fairly mundane “combination of things” that has affected my chemistry with you. and part of me has been trying to compile stuff that’s on you, but the truth is that it’s mostly on me. it’s mostly on me that i haven’t been communicating my wants and needs. it’s on me that i haven’t been initiating. i’m not sure why. i know that it’s never been my strongpoint, but for some reason it feels so intimidating for me. i think that one of the reasons it’s intimidating is that it feels like your sexuality is a huge part of who you are. i’m just a different kind of person and sometimes i feel like if i’m not like you, i’m wrong. (that’s not a criticism of you, just how i sometimes feel)
i guess i feel this weird sense of competitiveness about it where it’s like, if i can’t “win” i just give up/opt out/get frustrated/feel bad because i’m letting you down. it feels deeply unsexy to me to have to microanalyze every touch. kissing has gotten ridiculous. i’m reluctant to do anything because i’m expecting criticism. not only is it difficult for me to hear feedback, it’s almost worse to give it. it feels like the magic has just dissipated. i do still feel magic in other parts of our relationship, i just feel like our sexual relationship isn’t a natural extension of that. it feels clinical and it hurts so bad to know that you apparently have this amazing natural chemistry with other people and with me it’s just not there.
my therapist asked me last week if i thought i was depressed. i guess i don’t *feel* depressed. i don’t think there’s an obvious reason why i would be. there are lots of things in my life that make me happy. on the other hand, there’s a lot that i push down. there are a lot of ways in which i feel like a fraud and afraid of everything and like i can never truly relax. there are ways that i’m really mad at you but i can’t express it. there are ways that i have a lot of self hatred and i don’t understand why i feel this way despite two different kinds of therapy.

Kate Farina
 
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Written by admin

February 16th, 2015 at 4:24 pm

Posted in Kate

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