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Private Journal – Keep Out.

Archive for October, 2015

Reflections on job hunting and feeling belonging

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Well, we talked about not really feeling like I have a place where I’m wanted and needed and valued socially outside of my relationship , and how that connects back to never really feeling valued as an individual going up and help my needs were almost always secondary to my parents comfort , end when I had more consequential needs like when I dropped out of school it was treated like “how do we get this kid back in school and on the track that we think he needs to be on, rather than what is actually going on or figuring out what’s going on or caring, really
and how much time I spend focused on taking care of other people’s needs or listening to them talk about what’s going on with them and not really sure what’s going on with me and how much more comfortable it is to do that
until I really don’t feel like I’m allowed to take up space much and how, I mean, not until
even like looking for a job, it kind of feels like I’m going to get in trouble and that it’s not okay
and that makes me feel really sad that I’m living with that in my head end it informs so much of my behavior
And also about how important it has been for me historically to feel useful, but also how I end up both enjoying and resenting feeling useful, which ties into not wanting people to think I’m smart or happy Bowtell me I’m smart because I don’t want to be used as a resource socially , even know I put myself in that position a lot
because it’s more comfortable for me
so people use me for advice or computer help or whatever, end I don’t feel like I’m making a real connection , even though I feel valued around that information , so it ends up being more isolating rather than a way to connect with people

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October 27th, 2015 at 7:35 pm

Assertiveness Ramble to Rachel

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I think that we are both aware of those things, and I’m trying to be even more effusive, especially after hearing some of the specific challenges Kate has around feeling like she doesn’t deserve nice things and that our relationship is somehow ‘less than’ because she doesn’t deserve someone as committed to her as other people have (a premise that i disagree with but can see how it would seem valid from her perspective).

I am also trying to be more assertive in our sessions. Sometimes i feel like only Kate’s difficulty with stuff gets out there and then we spend time talking about how to make it okay for her.

I’m also working both in with you and out on not taking responsibility/burden for her challenges around our relationship.  Not to be cold or callous but just to be like… if she says that there isn’t anything in particular that i can do to help (whether thats true or whether there is but she doesnt want to say or feels unable to say) then all i can do is live my life and be compassionate that sometimes things will be difficult for her and i am here if she wants to talk or whatever.

On some level (or really all levels), it’s her responsibility to work through a lot of the stuff that gets brought up is on her and my role is to be supportive and keep her in mind when acting.  This is a real struggle for me to be like “i am living my life and there are aspects of it that cause discomfort in my partner, but that doesn’t mean that I should necessarily change my behavior just so my partner never has to feel discomfort. It feels like a really tricky balancing act and sometimes like i’ve been weighting things super far in the other direction, especially given her anxious brain’s occasionally disproportionate emotional reaction to things.  It’s difficult to not feel like shit for that position.  It is better for her to own her own shit though, even if it seems difficult for her and much simpler to put it on me.

Anyway, that’s my rambling for the moment.

j

Written by admin

October 2nd, 2015 at 3:56 pm

Posted in Kate