Private Journal – Keep Out.

Reflections on job hunting and feeling belonging

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Well, we talked about not really feeling like I have a place where I’m wanted and needed and valued socially outside of my relationship , and how that connects back to never really feeling valued as an individual going up and help my needs were almost always secondary to my parents comfort , end when I had more consequential needs like when I dropped out of school it was treated like “how do we get this kid back in school and on the track that we think he needs to be on, rather than what is actually going on or figuring out what’s going on or caring, really
and how much time I spend focused on taking care of other people’s needs or listening to them talk about what’s going on with them and not really sure what’s going on with me and how much more comfortable it is to do that
until I really don’t feel like I’m allowed to take up space much and how, I mean, not until
even like looking for a job, it kind of feels like I’m going to get in trouble and that it’s not okay
and that makes me feel really sad that I’m living with that in my head end it informs so much of my behavior
And also about how important it has been for me historically to feel useful, but also how I end up both enjoying and resenting feeling useful, which ties into not wanting people to think I’m smart or happy Bowtell me I’m smart because I don’t want to be used as a resource socially , even know I put myself in that position a lot
because it’s more comfortable for me
so people use me for advice or computer help or whatever, end I don’t feel like I’m making a real connection , even though I feel valued around that information , so it ends up being more isolating rather than a way to connect with people
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Written by admin

October 27th, 2015 at 7:35 pm

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