Private Journal – Keep Out.

Archive for December, 2015

I Can

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I am scared.

What can i do despite being scared

can i spend my energy on other than writing about my struggles

I can do things despite being scared.

I can spend my energy on other things rather than writing about my struggles.

I will spend my energy on other things.

I Will take action

I am scared

It doesn’t need to be fucking poetry every time.

I can self-care genuinely.

I can turn fear into determination

I will figure out what i would like to be doing on a daily basis.

I am feeling scared
There is fear in this moment.

I want to feel it and also not let it be a wall, but a pool that is okay to dive into.

Can i make this sustainable

I can make this sustainable.

I can determine what self-care means to me and then take those actions regularly.

I can look at my fear and not examine it.

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December 30th, 2015 at 4:00 pm

Difficulty Tracking

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Freedom agency


External expectation

  • Smart
  • Society
  • Parenting


Internal expectation

  • “Good fit”
  • Qualification



  • Stuck
  • Momentum
  • Squeezed



  • Consequences of action
  • Consequences of inaction
  • Rejection
  • Invalidation
  • Replication of toxic interaction
  • Learned helplessness



  • “Deserving”
  • Self fulfilling
  • Metashame







  • Identification and logging of “no”spaces
  • Reinforcing virtuous cycles
  • Habits, structure and accountability
  • Proceduralize Gray areas

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December 10th, 2015 at 11:14 am

Posted in Uncategorized

Things i’d like to work on for the rest of the year and into 2016

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  • The job search is turning into a way to beat myself up for every moment that i am not spending focused on that. I would like to move it out of that realm, even if it means changing my focus away from it right now. It is bringing up many thoughts of worthiness and tying me up in knots rather than being a thing that I can get excited about. I am also aware of resistance to dropping it in the form of predicting external judgment like ‘copping out’ or ‘just cant get it done’
  • Wishing to disengage with and reject the whole concept of ‘stuck’ or any semblance of my life as ‘on hold’ or ‘incomplete’ or ‘off the rails’.  Identification of areas where that may grow in intensity and methods to minimize it.
  • Getting better at noticing self-destructive habits and thought patterns and stepping out of them and not getting stuck in judgment spirals. Stepping out in a productive way rather than a self-judgment way.

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December 7th, 2015 at 1:28 am