sdcjournal

I am scared.

What can i do despite being scared

can i spend my energy on other than writing about my struggles

I can do things despite being scared.

I can spend my energy on other things rather than writing about my struggles.

I will spend my energy on other things.

I Will take action

I am scared

It doesn’t need to be fucking poetry every time.

I can self-care genuinely.

I can turn fear into determination

I will figure out what i would like to be doing on a daily basis.

I am feeling scared
There is fear in this moment.

I want to feel it and also not let it be a wall, but a pool that is okay to dive into.

Can i make this sustainable

I can make this sustainable.

I can determine what self-care means to me and then take those actions regularly.

I can look at my fear and not examine it.

Freedom agency

 

External expectation

• Smart
• Society
• Parenting

 

Internal expectation

• “Good fit”
• Qualification

 

Identity

• Stuck
• Momentum
• Squeezed

 

Fear

• Consequences of action
• Consequences of inaction
• Rejection
• Invalidation
• Replication of toxic interaction
• Learned helplessness

 

Shame

• “Deserving”
• Self fulfilling
• Metashame

 

Permission

 

Solutions

 

Action

• Identification and logging of “no”spaces
• Reinforcing virtuous cycles
• Habits, structure and accountability
• Proceduralize Gray areas

• The job search is turning into a way to beat myself up for every moment that i am not spending focused on that. I would like to move it out of that realm, even if it means changing my focus away from it right now. It is bringing up many thoughts of worthiness and tying me up in knots rather than being a thing that I can get excited about. I am also aware of resistance to dropping it in the form of predicting external judgment like ‘copping out’ or ‘just cant get it done’
• Wishing to disengage with and reject the whole concept of ‘stuck’ or any semblance of my life as ‘on hold’ or ‘incomplete’ or ‘off the rails’.  Identification of areas where that may grow in intensity and methods to minimize it.
• Getting better at noticing self-destructive habits and thought patterns and stepping out of them and not getting stuck in judgment spirals. Stepping out in a productive way rather than a self-judgment way.