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Private Journal – Keep Out.

Archive for May, 2016

Volition stuff

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(2:17:30 P) jeremymeyersftw@gmail.com/FEDA2AD3: the volition stuff was productive in better describing a clear pattern of my motivation challenges
(2:18:03 P) jeremymeyersftw@gmail.com/FEDA2AD3: because i dont actually…like… motivation is okay for me, i do have motivation to do things, its just that when i try to turn that into action, my distress level spikes
(2:18:11 P) jeremymeyersftw@gmail.com/FEDA2AD3: so separating out motivation from volition is useful
(2:18:27 P) jeremymeyersftw@gmail.com/FEDA2AD3: so it turns out that there’s a clear pattern
(2:18:35 P) jeremymeyersftw@gmail.com/FEDA2AD3: 1. Have motivation to do a thing
(2:18:53 P) jeremymeyersftw@gmail.com/FEDA2AD3: 2. Get triggered at the point of volition and for whatever reason do not end up doing the thing at a that point
(2:19:15 P) jeremymeyersftw@gmail.com/FEDA2AD3: 3. Self-recrimination and judgment around being “unable” to do the thing or “still unable” or whatever
14:20

(2:20:03 P) jeremymeyersftw@gmail.com/FEDA2AD3: 4. Talk that chips away at the validity of my initial motivation to do the thing, in order to soothe myself down from #3. like “well, not doing the thing has its benefits” or “maybe i didnt really want to do the thing anyway” or “i can do it later” or whatever

 

through my adult life because reasons (mostly abusive pathologically narcissist dad), i struggle with what me and my therapist have been calling motivation. like.. my ability to go and do things that i want to do, or try new things, or like… some types of self-care (calling doctors, etc). So over the weekend i happened across the psychological variation of the word ‘volition’, which separates what we’d been calling motivation into two parts
  1. motivation, as defined as ‘the intent and desire to take a particular action
  2. volition, as defined as ‘turning motivation into action’
which is actually the part that is a struggle for me
and the last part of that process for me is either beating myself up for not doing the thing, or talking myself into believing that i wasn’t that motivated to do the thing anyway, and it cycles around

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May 17th, 2016 at 2:44 pm

Sex Journal

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What I heard

  • You feel like it is ‘all your fault’ and you should be ‘blamed’
  • You also feel like I am not ‘taking’ any of the ‘blame’ but are unable to identify what specifically you are looking at.
  • You feel that the open relationship may be a thing that is causing difficulty, but not (as some would assume) because you think/fear that I am going to leave you
  • You worry about being judged in the bedroom.
  • You think that mediocre sex is better than no sex, but also

why I feel angry

what’s next

I am glad that you were uncomfortable and unsettled because maybe that will lead to some futher investigation. I feel sad that you are hurting. One of the things that I am working on is internalizing that it is not my job to keep you comfortable, especially when it is at the cost of me expressing my needs or the health of the relationship. I love you and us too much to continue in that role, in the areas in which I have been.

It IS my job to support and cheer you on as you do hard work, and it is your job to do that for me.

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May 9th, 2016 at 10:12 pm

Posted in Kate