Private Journal – Keep Out.

Kate Sex Letter

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As you know, this was very difficult for me to get out. To initially put your mind at ease, there are no major bombshells in this text and no breakup-level conclusions.

With that out of the way…

I have been thinking about my relationship with our sex life. You said when we first opened our relationship that you were scared that I would be “outsourcing” my sexual needs. It wasn’t intentional, but there is a way in which that has happened, in some respects. That was not my intent and I apologize.

In order to begin to address this, I think it’s important for me to share more directly some of my thoughts and feelings about my own sexual expression and how it relates to our life together in the hopes that the information can be useful. I hope that this helps you and I figure out how to fix the ways in which we go about approaching each other, making ourselves available for and guiding ourselves and each other through regular satisfying sexual encounters with each other.

Here’s some context. Throughout my life, sex and sexual validation has been a space that I’ve gone to for reasons other than just arousal. It is a space where I can feel validated and seen and feel like I’m worth something through another person’s eyes. It is a space where I can feel like people want me around, and where I can be useful. It is a space that can be a manifestation of my desire to please and aid and give pleasure to the people I care about. It is also an area where it is distinctly uncomfortable to focus on verbalizing my own wants for pleasure or satisfaction. There is an element of it that I would define as submissive or bottom-y. It has a specific energy. It is probably related to my challenges with asserting my needs.

These needs and desires express themselves in many areas that are not uncommon. On my own, there’s webcamming, flirting with people, casual dating. They scratch the itch.

Lately (and especially since the breakup with Jess), another way I’ve found to scratch the itch is to explore these energies in a more explicitly Domme/sub situation with a new friend. She’s been texting me specific demands (relatively innocuous ones, mostly around pictures and video and fantasy), and I am to fulfill them immediately. She is also sharing my number (and a password) with a select group of her fun pervy friends with similar interests and I am to fulfill their requests as well. It feels powerful to be desired and to have my existence and behaviors serve their pleasure in specific ways.

I don’t have any particular attachment to this person (though she seems cool otherwise), this is not the only thing that turns me on (and I don’t think that it would be a turn on if it were more on the sadistic scale), this is not Who I Am particularly. However, getting to explore this side of me is definitely A Thing That Turns Me On, and I am grateful for the opportunity to see what it’s like. I also feel sad and frustrated that it seems to me like it would be very challenging for me to come to you with a request like this and be able to try it. That may be a self-fulfilling prophecy, I’m not sure.

Within a relationship, I think people will commonly share sexy pics on snapchat, flirt and get flirted with during the day to build up tension, share sexual touches. We partner up and do these things to express desire, attraction and mutual validation of our partners attractiveness and sexual worthiness. These are some areas that, from my perspective, you do not seem as interested in. I feel sad about this. I may be misinterpreting, and it definitely provokes a long, compounded emotional response.

I want our sex life to be fun and adventurous and experimental, maybe in a way that is outside of what your interests/comforts are. I want you to trust me enough to let things happen that you aren’t expecting. I want to trust you enough to tell you what I want and feel like I have the right and expectation that you will do your best to make it happen. I want to go to swing clubs and see what they’re like. I want to play around with power structures with you. I want to have the ability to be both romantically sexual and dirty sexual, and I’m scared that you will be more into the vanilla stuff and we will not find compatibility and compromise.

I don’t really feel like the pattern we’re in allows me to do this. I don’t feel like I can be playful and direct and actually do the things that you talk about wanting to do. We talk about wanting to do things and then they don’t happen, and we just drop it. We talk about particular activities and then for whatever reason we don’t follow through. I feel sad and rejected and powerless to adjust this pattern. It seems sometimes like each of us is sometimes more interested in talking about wanting to do things than actually doing them.

My sex life with you can sometimes feel like a scary space with unclear intent and rules and boundaries and interests and comfort levels where intent is not followed by action, where a welcome touch one moment can lead to feeling tickled to the point of me needing to move away, or to the point of discomfort being communicated. I am aware that a lot of this is reflex and not a personal attack. I need to make you aware that even though I understand this, it still affects me.

I don’t really know what you mean when you talk about attraction as being different after being together so long. I’m worried it means you aren’t sexually attracted to me. I am still very much into you in that way. I still desire your touch. I still see you and get excited. I’m scared that it’s not the same for you. I don’t know what I can do about this, if there’s anything that I CAN do.

Maybe you just aren’t interested in sex in the same way that I am. Maybe you are and it hasn’t been communicated. I’m not sure. I do think that there are some fundamental differences that exist and some ways in which we haven’t acknowledged what we each want. I also think there are ways in which we could both be open to trying things outside of our comfort zone, be it specific activities or being more proactive in asking for what we want.

I am invested in figuring this out. I think maybe the elephant in the room that we don’t talk about in therapy isn’t that we aren’t having sex, it’s that sex serves two different functions for each of us and neither of us are clear on what this means for how we can be good partners for each other and how we can’t. I, for one, would like to begin to take a look and unpack this both together and in therapy so that we can adjust each of our expectations appropriately for the moment. I do not mean this to sound defeated or like I’m just trying to salvage what is possible to salvage. I am doing my best to look at this aspect of our relationship for what it is and meet each other where we are and then build outward.

These are my messy and jumbled thoughts and feelings, the product of a lot of thinking and late-night writing. Please be gentle with how you choose to respond.



Written by admin

July 13th, 2016 at 5:32 pm

Posted in Kate

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