sdcjournal

Hi

I’m tired.

I’m tired of having sex with you once a year.

I’m tired of having it explained to me over and over in dozens of different ways why it is difficult for you. As a woman. As a person living in a sex-negative culture. As a person with anxiety.

I’m tired of wanting you and having that desire cause panic attacks.

I’m tired of thinking that things might get better if only we talked more.

I’m tired of having the dynamic feel like I’m the bad guy or the aggressor by wanting to touch you and be passionate with you.

I’m tired of my attempts at spontaneity being responded to with rejection or discomfort.

I’m tired of being lectured as to why you’re uncomfortable.

I’m tired of feeling like an asshole for wanting to fuck you more than annually, and more than occasionally getting to go down on you.

I’m tired of not having gotten a blowjob from you for three years.

I’m tired of feeling like a bad person for not being more patient, or like I’m being unreasonable. I’m tired of feeling guilty. I’m tired of beating myself up for not being more compassionate.

I’m tired of not knowing what to do. I’m tired of being upset. I’m tired of the conversations. I’m tired of not being able to talk to you about it. I’m tired of talking about it and things not changing. I’m tired of internalizing. I’m tired of thinking that its counterproductive to get angry about wanting to do more of something that doesn’t really coexist with anger. I’m tired of feeling unkind, when I’ve been kind for so long about this.

I’m tired of feeling like I don’t know the real reason. I’m tired of hoping you’ll work it out in therapy. I’m tired of wondering if we should go back to couples therapy.

I’m tired of shouldering more than my share of this burden. I’m tired of crying about it while you’re away. I’m tired of hearing things like “This is just how it is in long term relationships”. I’m tired of worrying about talking to you about how I feel. I’m tired of worrying about your rebuttals. I’m tired of toning down my upset so you don’t think i’m a monster. I’m tired of feeling that sharing my upset will do nothing but make you feel shitty.

I’m tired of feeling like there is no solution.

I’m tired of waiting.

I’m tired of hurting.

I’m tired.

I love you and I’m so tired and I needed you to know because I don’t want to continue to go on like this.